To not expect a man to put his head in my boobs?

[MissJSays]

I'm currently sat in the clubs toilets. It's my friends 22nd birthday night out. I'm 21, I know I'm young and having fun bla bla but my best friend whose birthday it is friends has come out. She has brought about 4/5 boy friends with her, fair enough. About 2 hours into the night one of them has just bent down to me, put his head in my boobs and shook his head. I'm in a committed relationship of 2yrs, I love my boyfriend to pieces (he's not here with me tonight) and I haven't been suggestive or anything to this boy all night. It's completely floored me and I'm sobbing in the toilet, I don't know why it's got to me so much. I feel so alone and like I'm making such a fuss over nothing, I don't know why this has upset me so much! Hoping for some Mumsnet wisdom to get me out of the cubicle🙁

What a rude and obnoxious moron this bloke was - it's entirely reasonable to be upset. It's good that you got the guy to apologise on the spot, at least he might have learned something.

Now it's the next morning, don't waste another second thinking about it.

Oooh, I don't know, how about he plays it safe and assumes the woman in front of him is one of the vast majority that doesn't appreciate being sexually assaulted? Another vote here for reporting him. In all likelihood, he didn't do it maliciously - and that's a huge fucking problem, because he feels that he has a right to help himself to women's bodies for his own amusement, and doesn't realise how wrong it is.
^This.

Urgh, some men are just vile. Im so sorry this happened to you. I hope he gets a smack in the face from someone

Given how easily trackable he is, I would definitely encourage reporting it. Getting his collar felt is possibly the only thing that will drive home to him exactly how unacceptable this is. Even if it comes to nothing this time, it will stay on record and if enough women come forward about him (because I would bet a pound to a penny it won't be an isolated incident), that can form a strong case.

God, what must it be like to live in that world? I'm imagining if I could just throw myself on anyone with a body I find squeezable, and have armies of morons rush forward to tell me that some people like it, that it's just a bit silly of me and I will outgrow it eventually, and it's not my fault if I don't know beforehand whether the person would appreciate my grubby paws all over them without any warning. Everything for my consumption, nothing my fault or responsibility. It sounds marvellous. No wonder shitheads fight so hard to keep it.

Really sorry this happened to you OP, no wonder you are upset and traumatised. I would feel the same.

There's no excuse for this behaviour and the more we brush it off, things will never change. Women are conditioned to accept it or excuse it, as are men. It is completely unacceptable behaviour and you're not over reacting.

I'd report it too. There should be zero tolerance for this.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
I understand your reaction and how you feel completely. I also understand you questioning yourself.

A few weeks ago, I was away with work on a social function.
Lots of alcohol drunk by everyone.

An indirect colleague decided he was going to get verbally aggressive, borderline abusive and sexually demeaning towards me. It culminated in him groping my arse and then as we left the boat he repeated his actions.

As one of only four females on board , the youngest and the loudest female as well. I had no idea how to react. I felt violated and upset. But also like I'd brought it on myself.p, because with the male colleagues I actually worked with, and had been with all night (apart from on the occasions douchebag approached me) I'd been "one of the lads".

Luckily for me, when my team found out what occurred their reactions showed me that I had done nothing wrong.

Unfortunately it culminated in an almost fight back at the hotel. But my team validated how I felt. And reaffirmed I hadn't actually done anything. Does that make sense?

Because up until a week after I was still blaming myself, felt unnerved, and modified my behaviour. It was horrible.

So please, talk to your boyfriend and realise that this wasn't your fault, you didn't deserve it and you did nothing at all to "signal " it was ok.

And good men, don't do this.

We don't even know if this guy has met one of these mysterious women who would like this.

It seems to me like he saw a woman who he thought wouldn't speak out - smaller/had a drink/was out with friends and wouldn't make a fuss and thought he'd try his luck. There's seems to be a thought that goes around certain men that women should be lucky and grateful for any attention the guy gives then, however unwanted.

Good men don't need to be TOLD not to do this. Sexual assault is not a joke, not some silly juvenile thing that young men do between nicking traffic cones, whatever apologists like twoheaped want us to think. It's a pretty basic tenet of decency not to fucking ASSAULT PEOPLE. It's incredibly depressing that we have reached a stage where we think grown men really need to be told this...because, in fact, so many of them do.

We don't even know if this guy has met one of these mysterious women who would like this.

He hasn't. All we've got is the word of a sexual assault apologist who thinks it important to PLAY DEVIL'S ADVOCATE in the case of abusing women.

Call club, find out if any cctv. Report him to police either way. It's assault and you should not have to tolerate it. Ever. Hope you are ok.

Anyway, even if twoheaped's woman does exist, isn't it telling that she can be marked out as the one who does like being assaulted? Because presumably every other woman doesn't and that's why she stands out? Exception that proves the rule and all?

But oh no, realising that would mean sexual assault is a serious issue that is entirely on the head of the offender, and that would never do.

I wouldn't even do this to my wife in public as it would be humiliating. It sexuall assault which had the OPs 'friends' dealt with it robustly at the time perhaps couldn't been left at that. As it stands the OP has not only been assaulted but also found out her friends aren't nice people.

If you call the police they will take it seriously and the sooner you call the better it will be (from an evidential point of view) but equally only ring if it's what's best for you.

Go back out there and punch him hard in the groin.

Assume he's one of those guys who likes that.

How awful. Things like this are not acceptable. I'm glad you made it clear it was unacceptable.

You're definitely not wrong to be upset and to be honest, I would phone the police up on 111 and ask them to just call round and give him a fright so to speak. If they go round and point out to him that he is a colossal moron, the fear of seeing the police at his door will probably make him rethink his actions in future. Doesn't need to be a charge if you don't want it to be. If you do want it to be a charge, that's possible too.

My boyfriend would do that to me when we are alone together, but can't see why a guy would think its OK to do that in public.

Try 101. 111 is for medical matters.

:Wheredoesthisroadgo: so what if this guy has it hanging over him? His decision to sexually assault OP, his consequences!

OP your friend is right that he is a knob. This is not an excuse.

As for any excuses of leading someone on.... What I imagine you may have done (correct me if I am wrong) is what normal people refer to as "conversation". Unless that conversation included the request that the knob should stick his head between your boobs (again I am guessing you didn't request this) then he had no right to do so.

Whatever you decide to do YANBU to be upset!

Also police can't 'just go round and point out he's a moron' so please don't suggest they can.

'Manclife Sat 09-Sep-17 10:09:56
Also police can't 'just go round and point out he's a moron' so please don't suggest they can.'

I would think being sexually assaulted is something the police handle

I do wonder how much experience of reporting crime the people who say 'ring the police' actually have.

There will be no good outcome for the OP from reporting this - there's unlikely to be any evidence, in which case there's going to be no action, no prosecution, no punishment. There will just be disappointment which will either occur very soon in the process or will occur later, after the OP's upset herself again giving statements etc.

The OP won't have either improved her life or improved society along the way, she'll have just delayed the point at which she can put it behind her.

@TheMaddHugger it is and if you read the whole thread a said police would take it seriously. What they won't do however is 'just go round and point out he's a moron' and quite rightly so.

what did your other friend say the birthay girl

werent they concerned why u just left-the mans an idiot and thinks its funny when its not of course yanbu

Manclife Sat 09-Sep-17 10:09:56
Also police can't 'just go round and point out he's a moron' so please don't suggest they can.

Moron and Criminal [sexual assault] are two different beasts

I know of a man who was officially cautioned by the police for this exact thing, so the posters saying the police wouldn't do anything are wrong. They will take you seriously if you want to take it further.

Completely unacceptable behaviour. I always used to get men doing this kind of thing when I went out to clubs and bars( I've got big boobs). Also had a lad come up to me and thrust his erection into my back and grind on me and another tried to pull my knickers down. They wouldn't dare do it in the street during the day so why do they think it is acceptable just because they're in a bar at night time and had a few drinks? Then if you tell them to stop it they insult you and call you derogatory names.