Should I tell my step mum she's a twat?

[Mrsknackered]

I used to live at my dads for a couple of years when my first was born whilst my partner finished up University. We were going to live there until DS was going to primary. This changed when Dad got a new girlfriend who told Dad that she wanted me and DS out. I did leave, as I wanted him to be happy and didn't really realise there was an issue - she's younger than him and childless and although I was hurt and very broke I didn't mind.
3 years later completely different situation, we have moved hundreds of miles away (where we can afford) and obviously don't see family as much now. I still try to keep in contact with my Dad but he doesn't visit/isn't available when we come down to visit/doesn't call, etc. He randomly phoned me one day, explaining that he was finding it hard with GF because she wanted an apology from me. Apparently before I moved out there was an occassion where I was rude to my dad in front of her and she found it very disrespectful and would like an apology. I was completely dumbfounded by it and he explained the story - he knows I was joking but she didn't find it funny and thought I shouldn't speak to him like that in front of her. I said I wouldn't apologise as it was ludicrous and I was hurt that that was why they had been so distant.
I am not biologically my dad's daughter but it has never been an issue and have always known he loved me the same as my siblings. He has told me that she doesn't think this is right, or as he put it 'she finds it hard to understand the family set up'
They had a baby 5 months ago and despite me visiting where they live 3 times since then for a number of days, I have not been able to meet baby. DS1 loves his grandad and also is upset that he has not met grandads baby.
We have seen my dad but she doesn't allow him to take the baby to meet us or for us to come round. I've offered to leave DS2 with partner and pop round with just DS1 and I for 10 minutes with nothing.
I've spoken to my dad about how sad it makes me that I have nothing to do with my sister and all he says is 'time is a great healer' or 'it will all work out' but tbh, it's been years already and I don't think he's very upfront with her about her actions. Should I contact her directly? I'd really like to know my youngest sibling and be able to contact my dad without worrying that it will cause an argument between them :(

Your father is being a wet blanket and letting you down.

Until your df stands up to her you are wasting your time. . My df married his gf and as a dc I wasn't even invited!! Lots of dc there just not his!! Things never got any better and I have been nc for 20 years. She must be delighted. And he was willing to lose me and his 4dgc to keep her happy. Never heard from him since.

Your father has taken sides and its obvious whose side he has chosen. Your choice really is to humour your SM and hope for breadcrumbs or have it out with your dad, he is the only one who can change these dynamics.

My "father" is like this so I feel your pain.

In the end, though, it's his choice to be a miserable excuse for a man and a coward. The only choice you have is how to react and how to protect your DC.

I suspect she's jealous of you. Even more so now she has a DC of her own and your dad is letting her push him around. He's clearly weak willed and "anything for a quiet life" type. The "apology" strikes me as a power move. She's certain you won't do it (because it's unreasonable) and this gives her the excuse to carry on shutting you out. I'd be inclined to do the "not really an apology " thing. ie "I'm sorry my joke upset you. It wasn't meant to." See if that cuts the high ground from under her feet. If she continues to be difficult, at least that ought to show your dad who's at fault here. Atm I don't think he wants to face it.

Your dad is being really weak over this.

I don't think you're going to gain anything whatsoever from a confrontation with your stepmother - it will only make things worse. I know you've already spoken to your dad but I think you need a long and very serious conversation with him about how hurtful this is for you and your son. I think I would also be asking him if he is really happy with your stepmum and how he feels about her making life so hard for him and pushing him away from his children. The issue with her demanding an apology on his behalf over something he wasn't actually offended by anyway sounds borderline deranged and I can't believe she is easy to live with.

At first I agreed with what PPs have said about your dad being a wet blanket and letting you down/choosing sides ... but now I've thought a bit harder, I have to say that your step-mum's behaviour sounds very controlling and manipulative of your dad and that he frankly sounds scared of her and is probably walking on eggshells the whole time. I think if we were talking about a mum and stepdad rather than a dad and stepmum, people would be suggesting that your mum might be in an abusive/coercive relationship rather than calling her a 'wet blanket' and accusing her of choosing sides.

My FIL is the same - he remarried a woman who wants nothing to do with his family and he goes along with it. I wish I could tell you that there is a way you can change this, but there isn't. You just have to accept the crumbs of contact she will allow. Or have a big bust up which will probably mean you are cut out completely.

How is she with the rest of your siblings? Are they biologically his, but you're your mum's from a previous relationship?

If it is just you, maybe she's got a problem with that fact that you were a non-blood related young women living in the same house? And saw you as a potential rival, maybe even unconsciously.

Either way, she's behaving like a total dickhead. But with people like that, unless your dad grows a pair and stands up to her for you, she is never going to change and become reasonable. If I were you, I'd save myself the heartache. The new baby means she's got her hooks into him good and proper, and he'll do anything for a quiet life.

My dad is like this too. You have my sympathies, it really sucks.

Only he can stand up to her, I think insulting her would only give her more ammunition. Ask him does he think you should apologise and see what he says. Be direct, ask him when you are finally going to meet the baby.

If he wants to change things he will, if not unfortunately you just have to make peace with where his priorities lie.

I wouldn't even contact her, I'd just leave them to it and reading between the lines this is what your Dad wants you to do. Get on with your life and concentrate upon your own little family, detach from them, it may be painful now, but you'll save yourself years of heartache, rolling over and being treated poorly.Im sorry you're in this situation, it must be very upsetting.

Your father is an arse.
Sorry but he meets some new gf and SHE dictates that his own dd and his dgs are kicked out and he goes along with it...pretty pathetic.

Until he grows a back bone and tells her to stop demanding he choses between her and his family then you are wasting your time. It is never going to 'work out' until he stand up to her and tells her to mind her own business. No way would I apologise to her for anything that wasnt to do with her. Unless you were being verbally abusive she has no right to expect an apology to her for a bit of banter between you and your dad. Who the freak does she think she is?

I would be telling him that her level of control over him is not healthy and he doesnt need her permisssion to see you nor take his own son to meet his family. Why the hell did he agree to having a kid with her if he cannot be a father to them and introduce them to HIS family?

My dad was the same. I think a lot of people put their relationships before their children.

Horrible though, isn't it?

Dad had a splinter and was really moaning as she was digging it out. I then said, 'stop milking it!' How rude

Interesting that most think I should leave it. Think you all might be right but finding it hard not to pick up the phone and give her a piece of my mind!

She obviously wants you out of the inheritance loop so is trying ( has succeeded) in distancing your father from you. It's very sad when families are split in this when a new partner comes along but your father has done nothing to help sort this out, as far as I can see from your post.

I think the thing is, if you do tell her what you think or have a big row with her that'll be exactly what she wants.

It gives her ammunition against you for years to come and might even have your Dad using it as an excuse for why he's not in contact with you more.

Be the bigger person and leave it for your Dad to make contact. Maybe after telling him one last time how you feel.

Giving her a piece of your mind isn't going to help matters.
If she has a young baby she will understandably be feeling protective and wrapped up in her own little world. I'd work on your dad rather than her - he is the one letting you down.

The thing is, if it hadn't been that it would have been something else!

I got banned from their home for having a period, which sounds quite funny now but it really wasn't at the time. I went to stay with them the first Christmas I was away at university (mum had died so they were my family if you like) and it was pretty obvious they didn't want me there but I'd had a petty squabble with my boyfriend (I was staying with him) and asked if I could stay for Christmas Day (boyfriend was working) and I could one of those not really yes but not really no answers. Went, started my period, Dad panicked and had the sheets on a hot wash, stepmother came downstairs demanding to know what "all the noise" was about; Christmas Day 2000 ended in this almighty row, I went out in tears and drove back to university and had Shell garage Christmas dinner. Fuse bar and a packet of crisps

twats!

She'd have the shock of her life if you appologised, of course this is just a cover for her jealousy of you.
Until your Dad man's up, there's nothing you can do.

I think if you give her a piece of your mind, the situation will worsen. She has your dad's ear, and will paint you as ungrateful, rude etc.

I agree that it's your dad who is letting you down, so I would concentrate on that relationship. Decide if you want to fight for it or not. I would write a letter I think, to try to show him how I felt. I would keep it very much to "I", so "I feel", "when you do x, I feel", as this is less 'blaming' than "you never....", "you don't" etc. You can't however, control what he does in return. He might ignore it, he might blow up at you, he might see your point. So I would write a letter and then leave it to him to make the next move - which you may need to accept is nothing.

Well while I understand your longing to give her what for, it's not actually going to improve anything, is it.
She's already got your Dad under her thumb, she's already driven that wedge between you - you going off at her is going to be the final nail in that coffin, so it's not really worth it for any positive outcome that you might want.

I totally agree that your Dad is being a complete wet about this - he should have stood up to her and for you in the first place, but he hasn't and now it's gone on too long, she's determined she's in the right and you're in the wrong and that's just how it's going to be.
She's also probably dead jealous of you, so chances of you ever winning her round = less than zero.

Give her up as a bad job, stop fretting about seeing your step sibling and try to maintain any relationship with your Dad, if you think it's worth it, without her. You aren't going to win this one, but you could lose a lot more than you already have :(

Your relationship with him was effectively over when he let her push you out of the family home.
I bet you cannot imagine one day allowing some man to move into your house and force your dc out, but that is exactly what your dad has allowed to happen to you!
He is weak and pathetic and honestly you are better cutting your losses than trying to fix this.

One for the future though - if your dad inherited from your mum and this woman succeeds in cutting you out, it might be worth challenging any will.

Speaking as a step mum, I am with your step mum for the first part of your story. It sounds like you were quite happy to expect quite a lot from your Dad, to stay there basically with him as the provider under his roof with a child. That was never going to be easy for him with any new partner. Would you have wanted your boyfriend in the same situation?

So I do think that you are at least partly responsible for it not starting on a good setting. You needed to have let your Dad have space for a relationship and for you to say that 'you didn't mind' even though you 'were broke'. Come on, you made an adult decision to have a baby! It wasn't fair of you at all to expect Grandad to play the role of provider here.

However, wanting an apology and not letting you see the baby isn't nice of her either. And isn't a way to make a relationship better in the future.

You sound like you utterly resent her, but can you not make the first move? As in, don't scream at her down the phone. Don't apologise. Just be the mature one to say, look, we've had our differences. She's always going to be in your Dad's life. You are always going to be in your Dad's life too. You are both being stubborn.

Ardeyn I'm sorry but did you miss the part where the OP had a baby?!! Expecting to still be bankrolled until the child started primary school! Would you want to move in with a man under those circumstances? I would not and it's totally unfair that his happiness should have been trumped by an adult child.

It makes me sick when people choose their new partners over their children. My DM did similar.

In your position OP I think I would have to have my say before distancing myself. But not by phone- then SM can twist the facts and no doubt you would be extremely 'rude' to her.

I would put your feelings in a letter, focusing on your father's behaviour rather than hers.

Lots of people like to alienate the children from previous relationships of their partner.

It's nasty but he is at fault for going along with it