Should I tell my step mum she's a twat?

[Mrsknackered]

I used to live at my dads for a couple of years when my first was born whilst my partner finished up University. We were going to live there until DS was going to primary. This changed when Dad got a new girlfriend who told Dad that she wanted me and DS out. I did leave, as I wanted him to be happy and didn't really realise there was an issue - she's younger than him and childless and although I was hurt and very broke I didn't mind.
3 years later completely different situation, we have moved hundreds of miles away (where we can afford) and obviously don't see family as much now. I still try to keep in contact with my Dad but he doesn't visit/isn't available when we come down to visit/doesn't call, etc. He randomly phoned me one day, explaining that he was finding it hard with GF because she wanted an apology from me. Apparently before I moved out there was an occassion where I was rude to my dad in front of her and she found it very disrespectful and would like an apology. I was completely dumbfounded by it and he explained the story - he knows I was joking but she didn't find it funny and thought I shouldn't speak to him like that in front of her. I said I wouldn't apologise as it was ludicrous and I was hurt that that was why they had been so distant.
I am not biologically my dad's daughter but it has never been an issue and have always known he loved me the same as my siblings. He has told me that she doesn't think this is right, or as he put it 'she finds it hard to understand the family set up'
They had a baby 5 months ago and despite me visiting where they live 3 times since then for a number of days, I have not been able to meet baby. DS1 loves his grandad and also is upset that he has not met grandads baby.
We have seen my dad but she doesn't allow him to take the baby to meet us or for us to come round. I've offered to leave DS2 with partner and pop round with just DS1 and I for 10 minutes with nothing.
I've spoken to my dad about how sad it makes me that I have nothing to do with my sister and all he says is 'time is a great healer' or 'it will all work out' but tbh, it's been years already and I don't think he's very upfront with her about her actions. Should I contact her directly? I'd really like to know my youngest sibling and be able to contact my dad without worrying that it will cause an argument between them :(

ardeyn well if you split up from your husband and were having another child with a new boyfriend. Would you also want your DC to come and live with you and your children? Please tell me you would have a bit of sense!

that. I have heard a lot about my partner apparently agreeing to things and being ok with it all from his kids, but he tells me quietly that he is most certainly not, feels trapped and cornered into allowing them to do what they want.

Which takes us back to weak men causing problems.

If they sint speak up - if they don't give the impression everything is fine - how are the DC to know otherwise.

HUGE mistake as a SM to then become the mouthpiece for "what he really wants". It just causes misunderstanding and discord (huge mistake to marry such a coward in the first place in fact).

If they DON'T speak up and DO give the impression that everything is fine^

flowerpot I do think if the OP is going to have any opinion that may really help her, it is yours. You are indeed very reasonable (probably more than me!) and can show her that as a daughter I think you can get so lost in your own feelings, and the easiest person to blame is the step mother. Not that you might actually be putting a bit of strain on to your father, without meaning to, but it's there. Although I think the OP has disappeared.

The rest - I do think that there is a wider cultural set of assumptions that is clear in this case. A step mum is automatically controlling, but the father is just 'weak'. In this case, it is assumed that this is all about a step mums jealousy, however the OP has put enough information down where she was clearly resentful and possibly jealous that her father had made a choice to want to put his happiness before her financial needs. I think that's OK as her father and I wouldn't have blamed him or the step mother.

Bananas, my children will always be welcome in my home and if they fall on hard times and need my support they will get it. I would not be having a new baby if I was not willing to parent my existing children. It doesn't matter to me how old my children are - when I became a mum it was in the knowledge that it is a forever deal. A new boyfriend who was not happy for me to honour my existing commitments would be shown the door.

Yes serf but if the man is 'weak' wasn't he logically then 'weak' for letting his adult daughter and her child depend financially on him when really it was her job? Was he a strong man before and then suddenly weak?

Bananas I agree to a point in that people do tend to project all the evils onto SMs, however I don't think this is one of those cases.

From OP's post, it doesn't seem she's done anything wrong at all? She hasn't said she's unhappy that her dad has a new partner. It seems that her dad cut down contact and she didn't even know why for a long time until he told her...and even then, it's not like OP was even 'rude' to the Stepmum herself.

I think the SM probably thought she'd never have to deal with SM issues as her partner's kids are adults, so having her partner's daughter, son-in-law and young grandchild living in the house with her was too much, and caused tension. She obviously doesn't want to deal with her partner's kids and grandchildren, and I imagine the fact that OP is not her dad's bio child makes it worse because she's probably resentful that OP's dad has willingly brought an extra child into his life and I imagine tells him she doesn't understand why he feels responsible for OP etc etc.

I think it's a shame that OP's dad has allowed this to happen. He should have tried to find a balance between his partner and his children, not basically cut his daughter out because his partner wants rid.

If they sint speak up - if they don't give the impression everything is fine - how are the DC to know otherwise.

SerfTerf some men are weak, true. Some men (and women) are bulldozed by offspring guilt-tripping them, and pushing their wishes onto parents who feel pressurised to bail them out of their choices and take care of them in the way so many of you demand, whilst inside wishing they weren't in that situation at all.

They can't win can they? If they speak up and say No, they're seen as rejecting of their own family. If they don't speak up and say No, they're seen as weak and causing problems!

ardeyn That's fine that's your choice, but adult children are not an existing commitment. It's really nothing like having responsibility for a child under 18, but a lot of posters are treating it like the step mum kicked out a dependent child!

The rest - I do think that there is a wider cultural set of assumptions that is clear in this case. A step mum is automatically controlling, but the father is just 'weak'.

It's not a blanket assumption but it can and does happen. Weak/strong, kind/unkind, extrovert/introvert, sensitive/insensitive people can turn up in any family role.

You can't dismiss the possibility of a jealous or overbearing SM just because you are a nice SM yourself.

ut adult children are not an existing commitment

Yes they are. Lifelong.

I think OP has said what originally caused the problem?

She said her dad had a splinter and was moaning while her SM was trying to dig it out...OP told him to "stop milking it".

Don't get me wrong here bananas , I'm not blaming the sm and totally absolvong the dad of any blame. I think it was totally shitty of him to see his dd move out, with no money, when she clearly needed his help.
Of course adults are entitled to form new relationships, they are entitled to respectful behaviour from their dc, step parents should be treated kindly and politely etc. But if a person doesn't want to share a home with adult dc who have a pre existing agreement with their parent, then they shouldn't move in.

bibity I do think there is enough information in the OPs post that she was very resentful and not at all happy that her step mother moved in and she moved out. I think that is the origins of all further conflict.

The OP said that she 'was very hurt' and that the situation made her 'very broke' (moving out) and then went on to say that she had to move miles away because it was 'what we could afford'. Well away from her father.

So in effect, she's saying that her step mother made her broke, that she upset her, and that she also had to distance herself from her whole family because of it. That's a pretty big lot of responsibility she's heaping on to her step mothers shoulders, saying that she's the cause of all of that.

Which takes us back to weak men causing problems

I think you've hit the nail on the head there serfterf.

ardeyn I understand however we disagree that asking his daughter to move out was a 'shitty' thing to do.

Her father obviously wanted happiness within a relationship. I don't think he should have been beholden to his daughter to keep financially providing - her father would then have had to wait years to start a relationship with the step mother. All because of his daughters own responsibilities, which were not her Dad's at all. That is not fair of his daughter.

We don't even know what the OP said that has apparently caused all this

she explained a few pages ago what she said.

It seems that her dad cut down contact and she didn't even know why for a long time until he told her...and even then, it's not like OP was even 'rude' to the Stepmum herself.

Bibidy ah, but we don't know that for sure.

Do you really believe the OP has no recollection of what she said when she left, and for 3 years (if I've read that correctly) ever since that very day contact has fallen away and the OP has not in 3 years had any idea why?

My OH and I have dropped contact significantly with his abusive son in the last few weeks. Everyone, including the son, knows why. His fake narrative of what he said, his nice polished version of what happened that he is selling makes me wonder what really happened in OP's case. Like I said, OP has strangely omitted from telling us what it was she said...

I don't know, 'weak' men could just mean generous men? In this case it could be that the OPs father's generosity were what made him her father in the first place. And the time that he did financially provide for her and her child when it wasn't his job... it was the own child's father. But Grandpa did it, was that weak?

He might just be quite a sweet man. Who's found love again! Who wouldn't be happy about that.

OP has told us what she said!

She told her dad to 'stop milking' a splinter.

I would even go to say... the only evidence for a weak man is the OPs partner - why wasn't he providing a roof over the head for his own child in the first place?!

So these father you're describing who can't assert themselves enough even to communicate clearly banana, you wouldn't consider them weak? The fathers who bow to their wives ideas of who they should consider as their children? And whether siblings can meet? You don't think that's weak?

Because he was at uni bananas? Ehich implies he was young. Because finishing uni increases his chances of providing well in the long term?

This sounds to me like young woman got pg accidentally, needed parental support for a few more years. Dad was initially okay with this until he started following his dick at the espense of honouring the arrangement he made with his dd.

My cousin, her husband and 2 young kids had to leave the house that his mum had owned because his fathers "new" younger GF (turned out he had been shagging her for years waiting for his sick wife to die :( ) wanted to sell it and use the money for themselves. The agreement had always been that his mum left his dad everything and he would leave that house to cousins husband, he could live in it until then.

Within 3 months of the mums death the "new" GF was his wife, cousin and family were out on their arses and in B&B accomodation.

It happens. I believe the OP and yes I do think that the father is a waste of space. He had a deal with the OP and shouldnt have behaved that way towards her just because his new GF wanted to airbrush his past out of existence. The demand for an apology isnt because she thinks she deserves one, but because she knows that the OP will say no, then she can say "Well I tried to sort things out with her but she threw it back in my face!" and play the wronged step mother.

Sorry, I completely missed the splinter comment.

Right. Now I'm afraid I don't believe the OP. I do not believe that either a) this comment was made without any contextual circumstance which amplified it to be yet another undermining comment (which it could be, in context) or b) this was the only comment made and resulted in 3 years of virtually no contact, and is so significant that a SM is still hurt by it 3 years later and the father feels it so important he phones his adult daughter out of the blue to discuss it.

My OH's abusive son, in his false narrative, has told people he hasn't seen us for a while because his father has taken my side in an argument. In his re-write of history, he forgets to mention the 3 nightmare days leading up to his final abuse, the steps my OH took to try to make things better and stop him from abusing everyone, his attack on us both and the lies he spread immediately afterwards.

A comment about removing a splinter? OP may be trying to sell that, but I ain't buying.