Should I tell my step mum she's a twat?

[Mrsknackered]

I used to live at my dads for a couple of years when my first was born whilst my partner finished up University. We were going to live there until DS was going to primary. This changed when Dad got a new girlfriend who told Dad that she wanted me and DS out. I did leave, as I wanted him to be happy and didn't really realise there was an issue - she's younger than him and childless and although I was hurt and very broke I didn't mind.
3 years later completely different situation, we have moved hundreds of miles away (where we can afford) and obviously don't see family as much now. I still try to keep in contact with my Dad but he doesn't visit/isn't available when we come down to visit/doesn't call, etc. He randomly phoned me one day, explaining that he was finding it hard with GF because she wanted an apology from me. Apparently before I moved out there was an occassion where I was rude to my dad in front of her and she found it very disrespectful and would like an apology. I was completely dumbfounded by it and he explained the story - he knows I was joking but she didn't find it funny and thought I shouldn't speak to him like that in front of her. I said I wouldn't apologise as it was ludicrous and I was hurt that that was why they had been so distant.
I am not biologically my dad's daughter but it has never been an issue and have always known he loved me the same as my siblings. He has told me that she doesn't think this is right, or as he put it 'she finds it hard to understand the family set up'
They had a baby 5 months ago and despite me visiting where they live 3 times since then for a number of days, I have not been able to meet baby. DS1 loves his grandad and also is upset that he has not met grandads baby.
We have seen my dad but she doesn't allow him to take the baby to meet us or for us to come round. I've offered to leave DS2 with partner and pop round with just DS1 and I for 10 minutes with nothing.
I've spoken to my dad about how sad it makes me that I have nothing to do with my sister and all he says is 'time is a great healer' or 'it will all work out' but tbh, it's been years already and I don't think he's very upfront with her about her actions. Should I contact her directly? I'd really like to know my youngest sibling and be able to contact my dad without worrying that it will cause an argument between them :(

Look I get the emotional aspect. I'm 100% estranged from my parents, but I don't see how I can deny the fact that they ARE my parents (unfortunately).

But a woman who my father marries doesn't have any direct link to me at all? My Dad is my best friend, he would never use the word 'mother' for anyone who isn't the woman who was my 'mother'. It is a language convention I think not a 'legal' relationship. And a non sensical one if the adult child doesn't want another mother. I therefore find it odd that the OP uses it like this. They aren't even married.

Eh gasp? That is my father's money not mine.

Increasingly if he is not married you are NOK, if he is, you are not.

Or do you have no NOK either?

I think if you confront this woman, she will have ammunition to make your situation even worse with your DF, who clearly isn't standing up to her. She'll be able to twist whatever you say/do to make it look like he needs to cut all contact with you.

I recently had a situation with my family, where they were all treating me quite badly. I went to counselling and I reached a place where I could actually accept that I loved them and I couldn't change the situation, and where I felt calm and peaceful but also ready to walk away from all of the politics. Somehow, reaching that place seems to have worked miracles just out of its own accord. My parents started seeing me in a new light. They altered their behaviour, and are now much more polite and nice to me. All this without me saying a word! I think sometimes when we find our boundaries, and stop battling with other people, it can have quite a lot of power in making people see us afresh. I realise this sounds like a counsel of weakness and passivity, but I have honestly found that it has made me a whole lot stronger and more independent. I think the solution may be different for every family, though, and what works for one may not work for another!

Yes, my father's wife would be his next of Kin. And...?

But a woman who my father marries doesn't have any direct link to me at all? My Dad is my best friend, he would never use the word 'mother' for anyone who isn't the woman who was my 'mother

You might as well say your grandmother isn't your grandmother, because a) mother has a special meaning and b) you're a separate entity from your father so she's just his mother and nothing to you.

Anyway. Sorry for your loss. So try to gird yourself a bit, though. It's the terminology people will use if it happens

OP, the man who's my father in every sense of the word is actually my step dad however he's the only father Ive ever wanted or needed. He remarried after my mum died and I now have a lovely lady in my life who is my step mum. But that said I do know what it is to have a dysfunction in my family life.

If I were you I would find a way to apologise to your dads partner, there was a good suggestion a few pages ago, so that you know you did everything and she's left looking for something else to trip you up with.

I doubt you'll ever get back to normal with your dad but in the days to come it may just help you know that you did try everything even if it did no good in the end.

No they won't use that terminology. As I said my best friend is 20 years further down the same line.

A grandmother is actually related to you. Anyway, I think it's really odd in the OP.

Speaking as a step mum, I am with your step mum for the first part of your story. It sounds like you were quite happy to expect quite a lot from your Dad, to stay there basically with him as the provider under his roof with a child.

I think you're projecting, massively.

OP, and for what its worth. There was nothing wrong with you living with your dad and the fact your step mum had you out the door as quick as she did shows you she doesn't think much of family life.

How does your stepmum treat your other siblings OP? Are your siblings your Dad’s biological children?

I think this situation is a lot more complex than just jealousy on the stepmum’s part.
She clearly feels uncomfortable with your father being so close to an adult woman who isn’t biologically related to him.
I get the sense that she doesn’t truly understand the relationship between you and your Dad.

I would speak to her and your Dad about this, with a calm head. Apologise for causing offense that wasn’t intended and take it from there.
Going into this with all guns blazing isn’t going to help the situation at all.

Increasingly, it's great you and your dad are so close and that you don't have any sense of entitlement to his estate. However, it isn't like that for everybody. A lot of people are desperately hurt to be pushed out of a parent's life and not to be remembered in a will, because the parent chose to put their new partner first. There are cases where the stepparent inherits and then the estate all goes to his/her children.

My father died when I was 16. My mother remarried a good man, if a little weak and overpowered by my mother when I was 19. For me, he was my stepdad. He died earlier this year. I mourn his loss and I mourn for not having been allowed by my mother to be close to him. It is possible to be an adult and call a new partner a step parent. And it is a choice. The legal terminology is a different matter.

I think that if you are an adult, but you are prepared to guilt trip your father or step mother massively (we were broke... had to move miles away) for what essential is your responsibility (providing the means to bring up your own child) then you are a pretty selfish adult. OP I'm not sure you do care about your Dad. If you did you'd be happy that he has someone who loves him.

You sound toxic Bananas, if I'm very honest.

I think you all should read 'step monsters' and have an actual stab at being a step mother yourself before commenting!

I'm actually astounded that so many people are prepared to wade in and put ALL the blame onto the step mother. All assumptions are that she is controlling, evil, wicked. I do think society still has it in for step mothers, particularly daughters who have grown up but still quite child like about their expectations of their fathers. To always provide. However never giving any care back by wanting their own fathers to be happy with another woman. It's amazing how common it is.

I have a step mother and I'm pretty happy that my Dad is able to have someone in his life. It doesn't mean that I love my step mother, we are very different people. However I allow him space to have his relationship without projecting my resentment onto him.

I am a stepmother bananas.

serf you are welcome to tell me exactly what is so toxic. I'll be happy to reply. Or might be off on my broomstick...

I'm actually astounded that so many people are prepared to wade in and put ALL the blame onto the step mother. All assumptions are that she is controlling, evil, wicked. I do think society still has it in for step mothers,

No. You're paranoid and projecting. Posters are commenting on THIS specific OP, this specific situation, this specific situation.

You don't seem able to see it clearly for whatever reason.

^this specific SM.

Blimey, bananas. You sound really bitter.

banana if his partner really loved him, she wouldn't drive a wedge between him and his daughter!
If my dc ever have children and need to live with me while they get on their feet, they will be welcomed with open arms and supported for as long as they need me. Parenting isn't something which ends when my kids turn 18.

I can try and tell you if you want me to. It's just your enduring determination to read things a certain way and interpret them a certain way that the information given doesn't support.

All stepfamilies are different but you seem to be inflicting your own ^something€ into OP's situation in a way that sounds very bitter and condemnatory.

But you are assuming that the step mother is driving a wedge.

It is not unreasonable to want to start a relationship in a house with your husband without his adult daughter's families there. And it is the father that asked this, if he'd really wanted his daughter's happiness over his own then he wouldn't has asked this in first place. Isn't it just as valid an argument that by making her own father feel very guilty about this 'very broke... i was very hurt...' that the daughter was at the very least not bothered about how difficult that was for his relationship, or on the other end quite happy to ignore any issues that might cause and looking out only for herself.

What information does not support that the OP here clearly blamed her step mother for moving out and clearly felt that it was unfair that she was 'broke'. She was an adult! It's not her fathers job to bring up her child financially or otherwise!

SerfTerf that's not strictly true, I have to observe. There seems to be a lot of projecting too from posters who view their own SM/Father's partner as wicked, and therefore assume from the OP's post that the SM here must be as toxic as OP is claiming.

I am wishing to be reasonable here. We don't even know what the OP said that has apparently caused all this. I do find it odd that the OP hasn't openly described what it is she said, and what the SM wants her to apologise for. Isn't that kind of central?

I do also think Bananas has made some valid points. We don't know for sure how the father really felt about having an adult child with her baby living in his home, we are just being told it was agreed and he was ok with that. I have heard a lot about my partner apparently agreeing to things and being ok with it all from his kids, but he tells me quietly that he is most certainly not, feels trapped and cornered into allowing them to do what they want. I'm just saying, we don't know really how the father feels, we are not getting his story here. He may feel quite sad that his adult daughter has brought a child into the world that she and her partner are in no position to support and have to live with him, at a time in his life when he wishes to find happiness for himself and even have some space.

These are all possibilities in the rich fabric of human relationships which might be at play here - we just don't know. So jumping at blaming the SM here given the very limited information we have from the OP does feel a bit premature, and in some cases is projection too.