Should I tell my step mum she's a twat?

[Mrsknackered]

I used to live at my dads for a couple of years when my first was born whilst my partner finished up University. We were going to live there until DS was going to primary. This changed when Dad got a new girlfriend who told Dad that she wanted me and DS out. I did leave, as I wanted him to be happy and didn't really realise there was an issue - she's younger than him and childless and although I was hurt and very broke I didn't mind.
3 years later completely different situation, we have moved hundreds of miles away (where we can afford) and obviously don't see family as much now. I still try to keep in contact with my Dad but he doesn't visit/isn't available when we come down to visit/doesn't call, etc. He randomly phoned me one day, explaining that he was finding it hard with GF because she wanted an apology from me. Apparently before I moved out there was an occassion where I was rude to my dad in front of her and she found it very disrespectful and would like an apology. I was completely dumbfounded by it and he explained the story - he knows I was joking but she didn't find it funny and thought I shouldn't speak to him like that in front of her. I said I wouldn't apologise as it was ludicrous and I was hurt that that was why they had been so distant.
I am not biologically my dad's daughter but it has never been an issue and have always known he loved me the same as my siblings. He has told me that she doesn't think this is right, or as he put it 'she finds it hard to understand the family set up'
They had a baby 5 months ago and despite me visiting where they live 3 times since then for a number of days, I have not been able to meet baby. DS1 loves his grandad and also is upset that he has not met grandads baby.
We have seen my dad but she doesn't allow him to take the baby to meet us or for us to come round. I've offered to leave DS2 with partner and pop round with just DS1 and I for 10 minutes with nothing.
I've spoken to my dad about how sad it makes me that I have nothing to do with my sister and all he says is 'time is a great healer' or 'it will all work out' but tbh, it's been years already and I don't think he's very upfront with her about her actions. Should I contact her directly? I'd really like to know my youngest sibling and be able to contact my dad without worrying that it will cause an argument between them :(

I don't view it as an act of generosity that he took her on in the first place. Isn't that what you just do if you marry a person whose children have no dad/mum in the picture? And having chosen to be her dad, to discard her when it gets in the way of his love life is shitty.

Aderyn, I get what you're saying. Its how we would look after our children regardless of how old they are but others wont get it and I think you'll be here replying till you're blue in the face.

ardeyn but he didn't 'discard' his daughter. Asking her to provide for her own child is not a bad thing, and the child's father could work and go to Uni, I did.

It sounds like his daughter moved away and only visited recently after a number of years. We might assume that his daughter rejected her father for a while.

I think that we don't have the full picture. If we had more detail and the father's account, and the step mothers' we might have a totally different story. Who knows.

bananas but you are assuming the father wanted rid of OP and could apparently only tell her that when the step mum came into the picture. Everyone is just going by what OP has said.

That may well be true, but her wanting an apology for a comment that didn't even address her, making it difficult to meet up, not 'getting' the family set up etc. All suggests that she doesn't want OP around.

Gosh, these poor helpless men, held in thrall to their awful ex-wives and scary, demanding children who just want to take, take, take and are impossible to talk to

Mrsknackered if you're still reading (wouldn't blame you if you weren't) there's some good advice on here. Just filter out the rubbish . For what it's worth, have a think about what kind of relationship - if any - you'd like with your Dad going forward and that will help you decide what to do.

You are right Gin

Honestly I'm don't think it matters if she is bu or you are op. At the end of the day if you're relationship with your df and new dsis matter that much ten you should just suck it up, apologise and then focus on what's important - your relationship with your family

Goodness! A lot more replies than I anticipated. Haven't read through all of them yet, but bananas I was 17 when I had DS, as a family we decided for the greater good my DP should finish at Uni as it would set us up better in the future. I was still doing A-levels and working alongside. No, I didn't pay rent but I paid gas, electric, wifi and water.
She also wasn't my dad's first girlfriend since my mum, the first one was a dream and never treated me like this.

In your position, I would make the appology in the way it was suggested up thread. You didn't mean to upset anyone and hope you can all get past this etc.

Surely it's worth giving it a try?

I've skipped a few pages, so sorry if I've missed anything. My Dad is just like this, remarried a woman who just wishes I didn't exist and has done all she can to effectively make it so. Father too spineless and in my case narcissistic to stop this.
I am still in contact, remarkably, after 20+ years of this.
My advice, fwiw, don't have it out with this woman, you cannot possibly 'win'. If you want him in your life, keep channels open but don't expect too much. I found out last year that I had been airbrushed out of their family history for the last 8 years but they couldn't keep up the lie any longer.

I would apologise in a back-handed way just so as to help re-build your relationship with your dad. Something like, "I'm sorry if you took me making that comment to my dad years ago the wrong way. It was just a cheeky joke but I wouldn't have said it if I'd have thought it would have upset my dad."- you're not actually apologising for what you said, you're putting it back on her and the way she took it and then also saying that it's basically just how your dad felt about it that you care about. It's passive-aggressive which usually I don't go for but I think this situation would merit it if you want to look like you're taking the higher ground just so you can get things back on track with your dad without actually giving her what she wants.