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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I tell my step mum she's a twat?

136 replies

Mrsknackered · 08/09/2017 12:14

I used to live at my dads for a couple of years when my first was born whilst my partner finished up University. We were going to live there until DS was going to primary. This changed when Dad got a new girlfriend who told Dad that she wanted me and DS out. I did leave, as I wanted him to be happy and didn't really realise there was an issue - she's younger than him and childless and although I was hurt and very broke I didn't mind.
3 years later completely different situation, we have moved hundreds of miles away (where we can afford) and obviously don't see family as much now. I still try to keep in contact with my Dad but he doesn't visit/isn't available when we come down to visit/doesn't call, etc. He randomly phoned me one day, explaining that he was finding it hard with GF because she wanted an apology from me. Apparently before I moved out there was an occassion where I was rude to my dad in front of her and she found it very disrespectful and would like an apology. I was completely dumbfounded by it and he explained the story - he knows I was joking but she didn't find it funny and thought I shouldn't speak to him like that in front of her. I said I wouldn't apologise as it was ludicrous and I was hurt that that was why they had been so distant.
I am not biologically my dad's daughter but it has never been an issue and have always known he loved me the same as my siblings. He has told me that she doesn't think this is right, or as he put it 'she finds it hard to understand the family set up'
They had a baby 5 months ago and despite me visiting where they live 3 times since then for a number of days, I have not been able to meet baby. DS1 loves his grandad and also is upset that he has not met grandads baby.
We have seen my dad but she doesn't allow him to take the baby to meet us or for us to come round. I've offered to leave DS2 with partner and pop round with just DS1 and I for 10 minutes with nothing.
I've spoken to my dad about how sad it makes me that I have nothing to do with my sister and all he says is 'time is a great healer' or 'it will all work out' but tbh, it's been years already and I don't think he's very upfront with her about her actions. Should I contact her directly? I'd really like to know my youngest sibling and be able to contact my dad without worrying that it will cause an argument between them :(

OP posts:

nottwins · 08/09/2017 13:17

Goodness, you poor thing. That's really sad to have had such a non-relationship with your dad for so long.

I'm going to go against the grain somewhat here. I don't believe for a second that you "should" apologise. your step-mum is clearly in the wrong and not a nice person at all, and your dad hasn't had your best interests at heart.

But... I would just do a sincere apology for this one 'rudeness' incident. You know you have nothing to apologise for but it's just words. She is then on the back foot and either has to come up with a new issue (which will make her look silly) or back down.

Depends what you want, really. It sounds to me that you'd like to see your dad and his baby, and I'd just do what I needed to for that to happen. End justifies the means, type thing.

You don't ever have to be friends with step-mum or even engage with her, but if a few words are all that's standing between you and your dad, I'd just say them. And say them like you mean them, otherwise she'll use that as a further excuse and you might as well not have bothered...

Whensmokeysings · 08/09/2017 13:18

My asshole of a 'father' did exactly the same, moving a new woman in a few months after my mother died. Straight away she started causing trouble and eventually I did tell her when I thought of her. This just played straight into her hands and she turned my father completely away from me too.

Its been hard but I've come to realise that my father is the most weak, spineless, coward of a man Ive ever come across. He's lost his only grandchildren too and he doesnt appear to care.

Oh well, she can have the pleasure of wiping his elderly arse in the future.

chocorabbit · 08/09/2017 13:19

That's what a family is for Banana. There are many people who help their child financially any way they can. Her dad probably didn't have savings so let her save by giving her a rent free roof over their head for a period of time.

sparklediamonds · 08/09/2017 13:21

That's harsh monkeys - mine was the same, but I've come to realise he was both crippled with grief and in a very abusive relationship himself.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 08/09/2017 13:24

Well it sounds like his daughter's nose was put out of joint because her father wasn't solely looking out for her as number one, he also wanted to look out for a woman that he fell in love with. What is wrong with that? She wasn't a child or dependent, in fact she'd had her own child. She seems hugely resentful of 'having to move' - bloody hell would any of you posters get with a man who had his daughter living there with her child for years?!

Whensmokeysings · 08/09/2017 13:26

Honestly, he wasn't 'crippled with grief' - he was sniffing around this woman before my mother died.

He is being controlled, I know that, he wouldnt listen to anything though and any conversation I had with him was repeated back to her. She then would message me with abuse - all this time having him sat next to her while she did it.

I'm happy to leave the pair of them to it.

SerfTerf · 08/09/2017 13:27

No it doesn't sound like that at all Bananas.

jeSuisDansLeFromage · 08/09/2017 13:28

If it will make you feel better, fuck it, go for it.

It will possibly ruin your relationship with your dad, but tbh I think that's happened already. He's basically chosen her over you which makes him the real twat. Sorry you're in this situation

Nuttynoo · 08/09/2017 13:29

You were a grown woman demanding to living with your dad because you got pregnant while your DP was at uni. He said no. Not his new partner. He did. And I bet he probably doesn't see you as entirely equal to his dc, he just doesn't want to tell you that because he loves you. His gf probably knows this / probably believes you should he grateful he's even in your life as he's not your biological dad.

I think if you want to get involved in your dad's life you could apologise. However do it with the understanding that you will never be equal to any of his dc in her eyes. Expect to be slighted and left out and made to feel inadequate.

I personally wouldn't bother and would draw a line under the entire relationship and focus on my real family.

harlandgoddard · 08/09/2017 13:30

bloody hell would any of you posters get with a man who had his daughter living there with her child for years?!

Nobody forced her to.

Whensmokeysings · 08/09/2017 13:31

Bananas, no I dont think it sound like that at all. Unfortunately some women just cannot comprehend the fact that men have children from a previous family and they just want to be the number 1 focus at all times.

Thats exactly how this woman was with my father. He was actually told by her that if he didnt choose her over me?? It was over between them. He stood up to her and they broke up but only for a few hours, he backtracked and from that moment on pretty much wrote me out of his life.

Emotional abuse at its finest. He wouldn't listen to anything apart from his dick.

SundaySalon · 08/09/2017 13:32

Your family sounds just like mine OP. I have a sister who is 20years younger than me and my dads gf is only two years older than me. At first we both really didn't get on, The relationship started when she was 18 (he is very young, was 15 when he had me) I found it so hard. I felt like she was stopping him spending time with me.

I went there one day with the intention of telling her what I thought and actually we sat down, spoke about the issues we were both having and decided whilst I wouldn't be calling her mum anytime soon we could be friends. They have been together 12 years now and they have a DD8 together. She's my world, I am so glad I didn't go into that house shouting and yelling because I probably wouldn't have her in my life now.

Maybe you could go there alone one day and just talk to her? I hope you have contact with you sister soon OP

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 08/09/2017 13:33

OP I do think families should be there for each other. However when you are an adult then you need to give back to your Dad something too. He wants to be with this woman. How on earth could they have formed a relationship with you there demanding quite a bit really by living in his house with your child. It would have been very weird for your step mum and dad to be starting their own relationship too under the same roof, and having their own child, you can see that can't you?

You love your Dad don't you? Then for him, just step back and maybe do take some responsibility for being resentful in the first place. You said yourself you were 'very hurt' and obviously blamed 'wicked step mum'. This will never, ever change if you don't give him some credit for actually being happy with this woman.

Oswin · 08/09/2017 13:35

Banana that's what family's do. That's what parents do. If my dd had a child and was struggling I would obviously have her live with me to help her. I don't know anyone who wouldn't. I know a lot of step parents think a fathers relationship with his kids, once 18, should be a visit once a month thing.
Ops dad was happy to have her there till sm came along. And the sm behaviour since then has been disgusting. Like fuck should op apologise.

Oswin · 08/09/2017 13:37

Bananas it's not just about moving out. The problem is the step mothers horrible behaviour since then.

OlderGolder · 08/09/2017 13:40

It's a sad story. I think your dad is choosing the easier path of placating his gf as she lives with him rather than standing up to her.

Even if you'd been kind of cheeky to your dad (not saying you were) that'd be your relationship and not down to her to demand that you apologise to him!

My friend's father married a woman of 50 and her eldest sister is nearly that age. It's so sad, the woman has been a cast iron bitch to my friend and her siblings and now their Dad has totally lost the respect of his four children. Another friend, her Dad was only allowed to see her if she was there too! Seriously bonkers!

GabsAlot · 08/09/2017 13:45

bananas are you reading somthing different

its not just the moving out its the behavior since-she doesnt get the family setup? it none of her business

op has been in her fathers life longer than she has she should just accept that

sounds like she wants yo out of the will op

diddl · 08/09/2017 13:47

Isn't this where you say (if you want to) "sorry you found it disrespectful"?

Hissy · 08/09/2017 13:54

TBH, from the very star you were on a loser here, that woman wanted you airbrushed out of her DP life from the start.

He's letting you down by allowing her to do so.

But he's older, she's of childbearing age and therefore the only probably source he'll ever get for sex at his age, so his bread is buttered on one side only.

Perhaps if he does decide to man up and tell his GF that his kids were around before she was and that they are important to him and he'd expect her to support that, then perhaps you have a chance, but whether you apologise to this nutter or not this time, there will be something else.

The most you should consider is a non-apology "Im sorry if you think I insulted you, can we move on please so I can resume the relationship with my family?"

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 08/09/2017 13:55

Actually I would do the "fake" apology. As a pp said it will cut the moral high ground away. Turn up with lots of gifts for new baby, get your DC to do handwritten cards etc. So your dad is impressed.

Then see what happens next. Like many I think she sounds jealous.

sofato5miles · 08/09/2017 14:03

Your dad is a twat. My dad was the same but after 18 years, his much younger wife died.

Suddenly, he wants it to be happy families with holidays with him and my halfsister, who I wasn't allowed to meet for 12 years..

I've let it happen but after a disgrace of a speech at his 70th last month, am thinking of going no contact. At 47, I just don't need this shit in my life.

Rubies12345 · 08/09/2017 14:03

I am not biologically my dad's daughter but it has never been an issue and have always known he loved me the same as my siblings. He has told me that she doesn't think this is right, or as he put it 'she finds it hard to understand the family set up

Is she worried there's something romantic going on? Can he not explain the family set up to her?

alltouchedout · 08/09/2017 14:04

Bananas... what? What on earth are you reading? Because it cannot be the same thread as the rest of us.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 08/09/2017 14:08

If you are angry, pick up the phone and give your dad a piece of your mind. He's the one at fault.

Step-mother's behaviour isn't the real problem. Your dad's decision to reject you is the real problem.

Bibidy · 08/09/2017 14:25

I think as you want to have a decent relationship with your dad, I'd reach out to her but not in anger.

Could you message her on fb or something and just say you'd like to have a relationship with her and your dad, especially with the new baby and can you both put it behind you? You didn't mean any offence (not that I think you did anything wrong).

Sounds to me like she just wanted you out of the picture and found an easy excuse to make it happen. But given that you'd like a relationship with your dad and new sister, I'd try and befriend her a bit.

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