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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think if a boy hits my daughter then yes it is different to if a girl does

873 replies

ouchthathurtsabit · 08/09/2017 11:44

Preparing to be flamed as this is a controversial issue.

I'm a mum of a girl and 2 boys. My daughter came home with a red mark on her face saying that a boy- known for hurting others- had punched her in the face because she had gone in front of him in the queue. The boy was spoken to and it was dealt with. The children are 8 and in year 3.

So I spoke to the teacher and said I was glad it was dealt with and that I was sure my daughter would be fine but it would probably be helpful for this boy to know that it's unacceptable to hurt or hit anyone but that hitting a girl in the face is really not acceptable.

The teacher then had a massive rant at me saying that there is absolutely no difference and that's a very dangerous thing to be teaching children and it would not be an appropriate thing to say in school.

Whist I do understand what she was tryouts g to say, I do try and explain to my boys that In our society, no matter what age you are, if you hit a female then it is completely unacceptable and that no matter what a girl does or says to you then if you respond with physical violence then it's not acceptable. Males are generally bigger and stronger. Am I completely wrong in thinking at 8 years old this could be mentioned? Because I don't know! I know if one of my boys hit a girl in the face I would be a tiny bit more mortified than if it was a girl
Confused

OP posts:
TheHungryDonkey · 08/09/2017 13:13

I'm not victim blaming. The child didn't deserve to get hurt on the face. But she should also be taught not to push in front of people.

becotide · 08/09/2017 13:14

The teacher was right. By teaching our children that boys shouldn't hit girls, we are teaching them that it's wrong to hit us because we are weak and that's not the reason. It's wrong to hit people without informed, specific consent.

lalalalyra · 08/09/2017 13:15

The teacher was probably at the end of her tether with hitting.

The whole 'boys shouldn't hit girls because girls are weaker' causes so many problems if it's dealt with wrong.

At after school care I've dealt with one parent going mental because a boy hit their girl and that's the worst crime in the world, a parent not being bother that their child hit another boy because 'that's just boys' and a girl who has realised that a few of the boys won't hurt a girl and is using that to her advantage and hurting them knowing they won't retaliate and it would be SO much easier if parents just got on board with it being bad to hit/hurt anyone.

Also I do hope if the queue was skipped it was dealt with. Often issues before raised hands get forgotten in schools and it can cause problems (My DS's school are gobsmacked that I expect him to be punished for kicking a child who then used a racial slur against him in retaliation).

Walkingdead11 · 08/09/2017 13:16

Thehungrydonkey

So some people get special privileges in the hitting debate.......no, they don't! Double eye roll.

jeSuisDansLeFromage · 08/09/2017 13:17

Stop saying "push". That's a violent action. Going in front of someone is an annoyance, that children need to learn to deal with, should they ever one day decide to leave the country.

LongWavyHair · 08/09/2017 13:20

jeSuis if you were queuing up to pay for your shopping and someone blatantly pushed in front of you, would you say "excuse me go to the back please"? Because I sure would!

TeacupsAndDaffodils · 08/09/2017 13:21

The teacher was right. You need to teach all your children it is never acceptable to hurt another person no matter what. Men can be victims of domestic violence as much as women can. Should they just put up with it because it is a woman abusing them?

TheHungryDonkey · 08/09/2017 13:21

I'm not sure how anyone gets special privileges. Nobody should hurt another boy or girl at school. And nobody should push in front in the queue. 'A boy known for hurting others' . Mumsnet is utter bollocks sometimes.

jeSuisDansLeFromage · 08/09/2017 13:22

Please go to back is not the same as punching someone in the face.

And an adult pushing past another adult is not the same as two children being in a line and one goes in front of the other. They're like molecules wiggling about

WorzelsCornyBrows · 08/09/2017 13:22

I think I would instinctively be more horrified if a boy hit my daughter than if a girl did, but that's because I, like most adults, have grown up in a hideously gendered society.

I recognise my instincts are inappropriate on this and try to challenge myself on these things all the time. In this case I really think that the acceptable message for anyone of any age is that nobody should hit anyone. As children get older then I think it's also appropriate to bring in the nuanced argument that it particularly awfully to seek to hurt anyone who is less able to defend themselves, but the overriding message should always be, nobody should hit anyone.

terrylene · 08/09/2017 13:24

In primary, I had to say something to a girl two classes down and twice the size of DS who was following him around and hitting him. Violence is not acceptable either way round.

UsernameEnvy · 08/09/2017 13:25

No its no different in childhood imo so agree with the teacher in that respect. There's a bully of a girl who plays out round our way. She's assaulted pretty much all the boys the same age as her (she's physically bigger) and then goaded them saying ha ha you can't hit me back coz I'm a girl. I've told my ds he can defend himself against anyone, boy or girl and if that means hitting them back so be it. Bullies need to be stood up to, whether they have a penis or not is irrelevant . I realise that's not what happened in this case but just pointing out why I don't think gender should be brought into where children are concerned and physical strength is more or less equal.

LongWavyHair · 08/09/2017 13:25

And that person pushing in front in the supermarket probably wasn't taught to wait their turn as a child.

GahBuggerit · 08/09/2017 13:31

I think at school age the message needs to be consistent that it's not ok to hit ANYONE. my DS was punched and kicked in the face by a girl and I'd have been absolutely fuming if the feeling was "oh well, the other way round would have been worse".

The teacher was absolutely right.

chitofftheshovel · 08/09/2017 13:31

I've told my DS and my DD that if anyone hits them the best thing to do is be the bigger person and walk away. But that if they really can't that it is ok to retaliate. No matter the sex of the hitter. I've also said they should never be the first to hit.

I wouldn't want DD thinking she has impunity to hit another person just because she's female and I wouldn't want DS thinking he has to take it just because he's male.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/09/2017 13:33

He should not be hitting anyone, DV can happen to men as well.

Original poster
ouchthathurtsabit · 08/09/2017 13:34

'm not sure how anyone gets special privileges. Nobody should hurt another boy or girl at school. And nobody should push in front in the queue. 'A boy known for hurting others' . Mumsnet is utter bollocks sometimes*

Pardon me.

A boy known by the school and its pupils and therefore parents, for hurting others means he does have an issue with hitting, kicking others and the school and parents are trying to deal with it.

Nobody was pushing in the queue. Who said anything about that? They were running and she got there first and he took exception to that and it was witnessed.

OP posts:
NoMoreNotToday · 08/09/2017 13:34

Actually I think you are right op.

Boys are socialised to be more entitled, more violent and to view females as less than. Sex is a protected characteristic still and males being violent to females has different pattern that takes into account different socialisation and in the long term different physicality. So yes I think while it's important to cover how unacceptable male or female violence is towards anyone I think schools have a role in re-addressing socialastion that teaches boys to target females in this way and in teaching your dd not to accept the negative socialisation of if a boy hits you he likes you crap etc.

I'm not convinced telling him it's especially important not to hit girls is the correct way to do this, but I would want to know how they address socialsed rolls that teaches males it's ok to target females long term. I'd also personally wonder if this boy would have punched a bigger boy who stepped in front of him or if, like with dv, he hit your girl because he knew it was less likely he would get hit back. Because, and this is likely imo, then that's the same as hitting her because she's 'smaller &weaker' even if physically she isn't yet. Same way bullies pick on a kid who wont fight back (and won't tell in some cases) he maybe picking your dd precisely because she's female and socialsed not to hit back.

Original poster
ouchthathurtsabit · 08/09/2017 13:36

Nobody said anything about pushing in sorry you didn't read it properly.

I completely agree that we have been programmed by a hideously gendered society.

OP posts:
jeSuisDansLeFromage · 08/09/2017 13:37

And that person pushing in front in the supermarket probably wasn't taught to wait their turn as a child

Really? You mean between the ages of 4 and 35 they'd completely missed out on the social conventions of British queuing? Because I'd be bloody amazed if that was the case and they weren't just rude.

The OP's daughter was in a line of children. We don't even know she actually went in from of this kid or if he said that to take the heat off punching her in the face. Or if he just thought she had gone ahead of him. Or if they walked there at the same time and she got there first. The point is^ whatever the situation was, now is not the time to tell a little girl, "Ah well you brought it on yourself now didn't you?" By focusing on hit reasons for hitting her. I'm sure the teacher tells them to form an orderly queue 15 million times a day

Walkingdead11 · 08/09/2017 13:38

TeacupsandDaffodils

No, it isn't the case at all! More women than men are victims of domestic violence.

As this boy is known to the school for his violence it is this fact which needs dealing with surely?

jeSuisDansLeFromage · 08/09/2017 13:39

Nobody said anything about pushing in sorry you didn't read it properly.

I'm sure they read it properly, or at least read where I repeated your OP three times. It's just always the victim's fault.

Original poster
ouchthathurtsabit · 08/09/2017 13:41

I'm still not convinced that men and women. Should be treated equally in this respect as adults and that this needs to be taught.

Men generally are physically stronger and more powerful than women, statistically more likely to commit violent crime. And women are more likely to be victims.

Women do actually have a different biology. If anyone has ever fought or competed in anything physical with a man could tell you

OP posts:
TheHungryDonkey · 08/09/2017 13:42

I apologise if I misinterpreted. I read it that she had gone in front of him on purpose.

However, I'm a bit fed up with all these boys and girls known for hurting others posts coming up all the time. I'm sure he does have an issue and is constantly vilified for it.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 08/09/2017 13:43

It is totally unacceptable to hit anyone. Those who are spouting 'hitting is wrong but hitting a female etc is totally unacceptable' really aren't doing society any favours here. All should be 'totally unacceptable' , you're practically saying 'hitting others is kinda wrong but it's kinda ok if they're male, nobody will think any less of you' Hmm

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