To think if a boy hits my daughter then yes it is different to if a girl does

[ouchthathurtsabit]

Preparing to be flamed as this is a controversial issue.

I'm a mum of a girl and 2 boys. My daughter came home with a red mark on her face saying that a boy- known for hurting others- had punched her in the face because she had gone in front of him in the queue. The boy was spoken to and it was dealt with. The children are 8 and in year 3.

So I spoke to the teacher and said I was glad it was dealt with and that I was sure my daughter would be fine but it would probably be helpful for this boy to know that it's unacceptable to hurt or hit anyone but that hitting a girl in the face is really not acceptable.

The teacher then had a massive rant at me saying that there is absolutely no difference and that's a very dangerous thing to be teaching children and it would not be an appropriate thing to say in school.

Whist I do understand what she was tryouts g to say, I do try and explain to my boys that In our society, no matter what age you are, if you hit a female then it is completely unacceptable and that no matter what a girl does or says to you then if you respond with physical violence then it's not acceptable. Males are generally bigger and stronger. Am I completely wrong in thinking at 8 years old this could be mentioned? Because I don't know! I know if one of my boys hit a girl in the face I would be a tiny bit more mortified than if it was a girl

You shouldn't hit anyone regardless of your sex. Teaching your sons to never hit a woman in any scenario is just plain fucking stupid. If a woman is hitting a man he should be able to defend himself in any way that he deems necessary, this also applies to a woman who is being hit by a man. If you are big enough to hit you are big enough to be hit back. Better to walk away, but if you are cornered then protect yourself.

I think the teacher was right.

Lots of boys do think it's ok to hit each other for this reason.

It doesn't matter which is worse, why not just say you don't hit anyone? It gets the same message across.

I agree with you OP. It's important to get this message into boys from a young age so they carry it as adults.
I wish people would stop pretending that female on male violence is as prevalent as the other way round. I keep seeing it used to shut down conversations about male on female violence. (And it's not really relevant to a playground scrap anyway).

I'm the same height as my boyfriend, and taller than quite a few men? Is it ok that I hit them? What if I hit women who are smaller than me? Or bigger?

I think 'don't hit anyone except in self-defence' covers it tbh. You're either raising a decent, non-violent human being or not.

I always struggle with this distinction because there are girls and women that are horrid and can be physically abusive to boys/ men and it somewhat irks me that men are just meant to take it. Yes I know violence should never be used but when your in a violent situation I would imagine sometimes you lash out

I also think the teacher was right.

I don't want the educators of this country teaching anyone that girls need special protection due to their delicate natures.

Violence is wrong full stop should be the message at school...absolutely no messages should go out that produce unnecessary sex based divisions.

Willow2017

Yes men are abused by women but unfortunately it is still women who bear the brunt of domestic violence. I don't think 8 is too young to address this in an age appropriate manner.

I also think the teacher was right. The message should be that hitting or any kind of violence is unacceptable, whether it's boys hitting boys, boys hitting girls, girls hitting girls or girls hitting boys.

Last term, my DS, also 8, was punch in the face at school by another boy in his class. He was punched so hard it knocked him off his feet and to the floor. I felt it was dealt with well by the school, but I would have been outraged - absolutely outraged - if it had been considered a less serious incident because my child was a boy rather than a girl.

I think it's probably more important or correct to teach both boys AND girls that hurting someone smaller or weaker than you is wrong...AND if they MUST do it for self defence purposes, they should bear the strength differences in mind and utilise restraint rather than actual hitting.

I want to bring up boys who do not contribute to male violence towards women as adults

So alongside the don't hit anybody message I do punish more harshly violence against girls and I'm quite comfortable with that.

Actually, I think you are right and the teacher is missing the point. We should be thinking long term when raising our children. While I would expect my son or husband to wallop someone back if they were attacked I would be horrified if they used their physical strength and size to hit a child, a much smaller man, an elderly or disabled person or a female.

Equality does not mean 'sameness' and while nobody has the right to attack another person, if the person doing the attacking is vastly different in strength and size then it is completely wrong to use violence in return.

It is the same as if my child hit me. It would be wrong to clump them back. Not because they have more of a right to hit me than say, a random woman in the street (who I would most certainly clump back if I was attacked) but because of the power imbalance.

We have to remember that male on female violence kills hundreds of women each year compared to female on female violence. If I punched my husband in the face as hard as I could I would hurt him. If he did the same to me he would kill me with one punch easily. It would not be right for me to hit him of course but both my husband and I raise our son to understand that power brings responsibility. Part of this is understanding that it is never ok to hit a female.

I wish people would stop pretending that female on male violence is as prevalent as the other way round

I agree some people do this and they're wrong but this is more about the incidence of male on male vs male on female. Little boys need to learn it's wrong to hit anyone not that little girls are a special protected class.

Let's face it, that approach has clearly not worked in the past.

Surely the correct message is that no-one should be hitting anyone else.

I don't think male-male violence is particularly acceptable either.

I don't want the educators of this country teaching anyone that girls need special protection due to their delicate natures.

Violence is wrong full stop should be the message at school...absolutely no messages should go out that produce unnecessary sex based divisions.

This with bells on! ^^
Violence is wrong full stop. If a girl hit my son I would not minimise it at all!

We've always told boys not to hit girls. A quarter of women still deal with domestic violence so that clearly isn't working.

All it has done is make it a known taboo but not dealt with the anger and the male violence at the root of the problem.

What we haven't done is say "Don't hit. Deal with your feelings, don't hit other people". If you turn someone in to a violent thug because 'boys will be boys' you can't be surprised when they hit the 'wrong' victims. (Not you, society)

So I think the teacher was correct. She should not have ranted though, she needs to handle the situation better

I don't think the physically bigger aspect comes into play until early teens tbh - boys are generally smaller than girls until this point. If it was dealt with then it was dealt with

Did your dd push in front of him in the queue? If so I hope that she was told that that's not acceptable!
And hitting anyone isn't right no matter what their age or gender.

I think the teacher is totally right. But I also think you should teach your child that some children have real issues with queuing, in that they find it really stressful and she shouldn't have pushed in front of him either.

At 8 years old you're totally wrong.

There IS no difference between a girl or a boy hitting each other. It's utterly unacceptable for either sex and there is no physical difference between a boy or a girl at this age.

If it was post puberty then you'd have a point.

Did your dd push in front of him in the queue? If so I hope that she was told that that's not acceptable!

I think the teacher is totally right. But I also think you should teach your child that some children have real issues with queuing, in that they find it really stressful and she shouldn't have pushed in front of him either.

Bravo jeSuis for your disablist eye roll.

"Went in front of him in the queue"

Have any of you seen 8 year olds in a queue? It's basically cat herding. Went in front of him might mean she got there first when they were both rushing to the place. The teacher can deal with it. She was punched in the face. I have a feeling this delicate flower probably wasn't standing politely while she pushed ahead of him if he has students before

Bravo jeSuis for your disablist eye roll.

Admitting to not RTFT, but if a teacher gave any of my sons the impression that hitting a girl was worse than hitting a boy. Or that hitting anyone of any gender was anything other than totally unacceptable I would be furious!

Bravo your victim blaming post