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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Just being awkward

413 replies

hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 10:52

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time. He didn't agree nor disagree to anything just said to her "you sort it out sure" as he is very busy working 6days a wk and doing 14hr days nearly everyday!!
After finding out about it I checked our calendar as the date rang a bell and yep we've already got plans that night that we cannot rearrange.
I messaged her to explain the situation and said to her to let me know if she can rearrange the meal.. She is now calling me disrespectful and selfish because we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.
Think she has just gotten the hump cause I said to her well ya know if you'd just checked with me first I'd have told that date didn't suit there and then and we'd have avoided all this hassle.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:
Sayyouwill · 08/09/2017 22:00

I'm not assuming it suits everyone.. I've asked and it does. Expect her ofc for no other plans just pure pettiness.

Maybe she wanted to make an evening of it? Maybe she doesn't want to do it on a Sunday when most people have work on the Monday. Maybe she had made plans on the Sunday but hadn't told you. Maybe she was planning a bit of a family day with her partner and kids. Maybe she had bought things in for a Sunday roast. There are any number of reasons why she may not be happy with the Sunday. Also, as you act like you do, I can see why she may not tell you all her plan.

jessepinkwoman · 08/09/2017 22:02

Firstly, I would be raging with my dh, not making excuses for him because he works! BUT sibling relationships can be like this....sister arranges family events, brother is like, yeah, that's fine, I'll do whatever's happening. Not saying it's right, but just the way it works in some families.

Personally, I'd go to the previously booked ticketed event, and visit yourselves on the day of his birthday with cake/pressie/stuff you usually do. Sil can still take them for dinner on the Sat night.

You clearly don't like your sil though Smile

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 22:04

I really don't 😂

OP posts:
londonista · 08/09/2017 22:05

No shit!

ADishBestEatenCold · 08/09/2017 22:16

"I'm sure FIL would've preferred to enjoy a nice meal with his wife! And not having all of us out together since we don't get along and it'll just be awkward."

See, I new things would brighten up by the time I got to page 8!

Does that mean you've actually done them a favour? That they will now actually have a much better time.

GreenTulips · 08/09/2017 22:18

I'd be more annoyed that you'd tried to rearrange something rather than giving her a chance to.

You told her thebplace was free Sunday because you checked and you asked PIL if they were free - so she's gone out of her waytonso skmething nice and you've railroaded it

Maybe she's having ballonsnor cake delivered? Maybe she's hired a limo to collect? Have you asked?

Your DH should've been the one to ring and apologies there was no reason at all for you to call her the restaurant or the inlaws

MadMags · 08/09/2017 22:28

I think your nose it out of joint that she's moved back, and she's their daughter. You're not.

And she's being just so very awful because your poor DH can't be expected to remember dates. Because lorries.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 22:30

Well if shed actually communicate with me and stopped blanking my phone calls or texts. She could do those things herself.

A limo really?Hmm & they don't have other plans her DH has spoken to my DH since this sh*t storm started. She is just being awkward

OP posts:
DjangoUnchained · 08/09/2017 22:33

Is your DH self employed?

His employer is breaking the law with those hours.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 08/09/2017 22:39

But the point is, your DH told her it was fine! Why would she then need to check with you? Lesson learned for your DH, if he doesn't know, he admits that rather than just pretend it's fine so he can stop having to think about it this second - if he'd just said "sister, I don't know, can you check with Hillsideboy?" rather than just say what would quickly end the conversation and stop him having to think about it.

he needs to understand that he has created a drama where it wasn't needed, because he couldn't just admit he didn't know if you were both free or not.

Let SIL take PILs out. Do something for your side separately, but don't effectively tell your in-laws that DH's word is not to be trusted ! Tell him to be honest about saying "I don't know", not just "what will make this person who annoys me get off the phone as quickly as possible, even if saying that will cause my wife /extended family headaches later on"

The fault in this case does sadly lie with your DH, not your SIL., She did ask, your DH lied that he was sure you were available. You are annoyed that your SIL doesn't realise that your DH's word is bollocks and you are in charge of the diary, rather than you being an equal partnership.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 22:41

Yeah DH should look or check calendar or better yet consult with me but he doesn't! This doesnt surprise me as its nothing new! It is only since sil has been home and wanted to make big un necessary plans every other month thst everyone has been falling out.
I was happy to arrange our family plans before she arrived and will continue to do so, as it works for us so won't change that just cause she is used to stamping her feet to get what she wants!

OP posts:
smurfit · 08/09/2017 22:43

She might be being awkward about it but I'd be pissed off if I was her as well.

In the future, your DH needs to step up and be more proactive. Either check his own availability, tell her he'll check with you and get back to her, or tell her to check with you herself.

You keep saying she'll learn... maybe it's not her who needs to.

timeisnotaline · 08/09/2017 22:45

.. you'd think she'd get it after a while .... you'd think your dh would get it. Learn to message you 'sil suggested date x is that good?' Is this some weird drip feed and your dh doesn't have hands?

howmanyusernames · 08/09/2017 22:45

Can you not go to the 'thing' aka 'ticketed event' with a friend, and let him go to the meal? There's not going to be an ideal solution to this but this way you both get to do what you want?!

jessepinkwoman · 08/09/2017 22:51

Instead of defending your dh, and dissing your sil, if you'd phrased your op as:

Sil has form for being controlling and bossy about family events. She lived abroad for years, and since recently returning home she arranges get togethers and expects everyone to dance to her tune. We're not particularly close or comfortable in each other's company, even the kids are a bit awkward with each other.
She mentioned a birthday dinner for fil to dh a while back. He was like 'sure, sounds good, you arrange it' (because tbh she would want to arrange it anyway)
Anyhow, it turns out she's booked the dinner for the same night we have West End Show / Concert that we booked way back in April. We're dying to see this band/show, the tickets cost a small fortune, and can't be transferred.
Sil is refusing to change the night, even though I know the restaurant can take us the next night. If she'd asked me before booking I'd have told her it didn't suit, but now she's refusing to change it, and is calling me disrespectful and selfish. WWYD?

I suspect more posters would have seen your pov.

Ultimately I think your FIL will probably have a better birthday without you all together Grin

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 22:53

SIL didn't mention it to me at all!! Cause if she had this would've been avoided.
DH only mentioned it last night by saying (S wants to do something for D's bday.) Because I was reminding him in advance about our plans on x date. Hense why i asked her what the plans wer...and then explained that date doesn't suit.

OP posts:
Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 22:56

Jessepinkwomen. Yes I'll agree I could've worded it better. .

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 08/09/2017 23:35

Yeah DH should look or check calendar or better yet consult with me but he doesn't! This doesnt surprise me as its nothing new!

Stop making excuses for your manchild. Plenty of people have busy jobs and work long hours, he's just sitting back and letting you take on the mental load because he is choosing not to.

MadMags · 09/09/2017 00:24

You're very jealous of her, huh?

BadLad · 09/09/2017 00:39

Apart from the he can't be expected to do it - he's a lorry driver I think my favourite line on this thread is this:

If this was the first time this had happened it would be fine. I'd give DH an earful but get over it but it's every flipping time!!!!

So doesn't he deserve a bigger earful? You've got it the wrong way round - once you could let go as a one off, but if it's every single time, he's clearly in need of a kick up the are.

steff13 · 09/09/2017 01:04

A lorry driver is a truck driver, right?

buckeejit · 09/09/2017 01:14

Yabu & disrespectful of sil's time. The way you talk about her is insulting. You've been told many times that YABU but you just keep making excuses & calling her petty & e.g. She has nothing else to do.

It's nasty to think your time is more valuable than hers & I bet it comes across as such when you respond to her, despite you saying 'you've politely suggested...' Etc

Hope you get it sorted though. Family fallouts are shit. Your dh should be handling the conversations though. Does he not have a smartphone? Lots of apps to sync calendars.

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 09/09/2017 02:23

You appear to expect a lot of your SIL, whilst expecting nothing from your DH - you say SIL should have known to check with you but you don't seem to think your dh should have done so. You expect SIL to change her arrangements because you can't /won't. It doesn't matter whether they 'are free'on Sunday teatime - maybe they just don't want to go then. Personally, I'm not keen on Sunday evenings out, as I like to make sure I'm all ready and set for the week at work.

And saying your DC can't do any of this because he works and drives a lorry - really? Does a lorry driver lose all other capabilities when they take their hgv test?

Temporary2002 · 09/09/2017 03:52

So you miss it or miss your concert or whatever tickets are for. Your choice. The situation is your husband's fault.

Consider a shared interactive family calendar, and put all activities, appointments promptly, to avoid crossed wires in future.

CatsRidingRollercoasters · 09/09/2017 05:56

It worries me that a person who is incapable of checking a calendar is in charge of a lorry...