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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Just being awkward

413 replies

hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 10:52

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time. He didn't agree nor disagree to anything just said to her "you sort it out sure" as he is very busy working 6days a wk and doing 14hr days nearly everyday!!
After finding out about it I checked our calendar as the date rang a bell and yep we've already got plans that night that we cannot rearrange.
I messaged her to explain the situation and said to her to let me know if she can rearrange the meal.. She is now calling me disrespectful and selfish because we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.
Think she has just gotten the hump cause I said to her well ya know if you'd just checked with me first I'd have told that date didn't suit there and then and we'd have avoided all this hassle.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 09/09/2017 06:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valeinoyikbuno · 09/09/2017 06:45

I agree your FIL will have a much nicer birthday celebration if the Saturday is just SIL's side of the family doing the meal, and you and DH do something different with him the next day.

Gorgosparta · 09/09/2017 06:55

So essentially

Your dh told her to go ahead and sort it, when you found out you call pils and ask them if they can do another day. Then take it upon yourself to call the venue and see if they can rearrange. Then contact sil and tell her she needs to rearrange.

But then you claim you would not usually do something for birthdays as shr is a pita and has started arranging stuff she she returned to the country.

The solution is simple. Dont go. You cant make it.

I actually think that the family dynamic has changed since she returned and you are feel feeling put out by it.

GinIsIn · 09/09/2017 07:25

I love the attitude that the DH being a lorry driver somehow absolves him of all responsibility. He's not a neurosurgeon Hmm

Pengggwn · 09/09/2017 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GinIsIn · 09/09/2017 07:39

Because fair enough to forget something consistently if you are rushing around to save someone from a potentially brain haemorrhage, not so much if you are delivering multipacks of crisps.

GinIsIn · 09/09/2017 07:42

To put it in context: One of my friends is a bit flakey because she's in the RNLI. We don't mind if she bails on us or forgets plans because it's usually for life or death reasons - her pager has gone off and she's gone out on the lifeboat either forgetting to write down what she was just discussing, or not turning up, and it's fine because she's doing something amazing and important. One of our other friends is similarly scatty, purely because she doesn't check calendars or write things down, and it grates a bit more. I can't see why you don't see there's a difference? Hmm

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/09/2017 07:44

If this has happened more than once, then your DH needs to learn to say "I don't know which dates work, speak to my wife", this still maintains the status quo you like - which is you being in charge of the calendar, but avoids anyone else being messed about. He needs you to get angry, that you can't always fix things afterwards if he fucks up like this. He doesn't need to learn to use the calendar if that's not possible for him, just to tell people to talk to you!

However you need to accept that all the family event planning is no longer your sole control if sil has returned and reasonably wants to do stuff with her parents/wider family.

Pengggwn · 09/09/2017 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gorgosparta · 09/09/2017 07:58

DH needs to learn to say "I don't know which dates work, speak to my wife", this still maintains the status quo you like

The OP has admitted she really dislikes the sil. Maybe the sil doesnt want to arrange things with her. I wouldn't want to arrange things with my sil if she clearly disliked me, just because my brother didnt act like a grown up.

This is the Ops issue and her dhs. The Op says they didnt do anything for birthdays before sil came back. But clearly put out by her arranging things without her explicit consent.

The solutution is easy. The Op doesnt go. She wasnt bothered only doing cards for birthdays for years. She is only bothered now because sil is arranging it and suffering from FOMO. Its so childish.

pictish · 09/09/2017 08:02

My dad was a lorry driver (he's retired now)...it's not just a case of driving packets of crisps around and unless you've ever driven an HGV you can't say it is.
A neurosurgeon isn't absolved from taking responsibility for his or her own family arrangements either.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 09/09/2017 08:25

I didn't say he was incapable of checking he us perfectly capable of checking but I do our family calendar in this house so he doesn't need to. (My choice)
& He has told his side of the family to check things with me, yet they still fail to do so. Then blame us when plans don't run smoothly.

The attitude ppl have about lorry drivers is awful! You try doing it for a wk if it's oh so easy!

I am not jealous of my SIL. You clearly must be jealous of everyone you dislike? To make such comment? Hmm

We are annoyed yes cause she makes out she's wonderful by arranging these things that we don't have the time to go to. (She is a sahm with one child that goes to nursery all wk! She Hasn't the first clue what busy hectic family life is!!) Then we get ear ache from MIL cause they aren't more important than the plans we've already got..
So yes her being here wouldn't annoy me if she didn't constantly assume thst cause her bro says sure whatever that we will all just follow suit!

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 09/09/2017 08:25

God it's like banging your head against a brick wall sometimes. It is not a snobbish argument. Let me try breaking it down into smaller words for you.

Some jobs can be very short notice and be life or death situations - performing emergency surgery, or manning a lifeboat. If you have one of those jobs you can be forgiven for forgetting the minutiae of daily life in an emergency - fair enough. OP's DH does not have one of those jobs. He is a lorry driver which is NOT THE SAME. Therefore he needs to pull his finger out, and his job isn't an excuse. How is that snobbish, or hard to understand?!

Gizlotsmum · 09/09/2017 08:30

Maybe you need to tell your DH to stop saying yeah whatever and check with you!

Hanuman · 09/09/2017 08:31

It worries me that a person who is incapable of checking a calendar is in charge of a lorry...

Grin

So, I get that you usually do all of the family calendar because your DH is far too important. But when someone does make the mistake of assuming that he is involved in your family life and somewhat aware of the family plans, why can't he ask you and then get back to them? Why is it all on everyone else to realise that they can't depend on him? Why can't he adapt?

BigGreenOlives · 09/09/2017 08:34

If he's driving a lorry & takes a phone call on hands free he can't check his diary. I can see how it is hard for him to keep track of dates

Pengggwn · 09/09/2017 08:34

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlebird77 · 09/09/2017 08:36

I would be really irritated having organised everything, with no objections regarding the date, for someone to just pull out like that or try and rearrange it all on another day. You are being unreasonable.
Stop digging in your heels and change your plans for sat eve, and let dh sort it out!

GinIsIn · 09/09/2017 08:37

Right. So you still can't see there's a difference between performing emergency surgery and driving a lorry. Let's indeed leave it there - I'm not sure you can be reasoned with!

Gorgosparta · 09/09/2017 08:39

I didn't say he was incapable of checking he us perfectly capable of checking but I do our family calendar in this house so he doesn't need to. (My choice)

Are you serious? You do know yiur husband is an adult. Why does everything have to be organised by you. You do realise that you are moaning about sil insisting she does all the organising and you do exactly the same.

You dont have to go! If Mil moans just say 'well sil arranged the date with dh and he forgot to mention it. By the time i knew it was too late'.

Of course if she discusses a date with another adult, that date is fine. If it mrans only he can go. Only he goes. If it mrans non of you can go, tough.

If your dh can not pull himself together to say 'i will call dw and check'. Thats his is fault. Not your sils.

You need to get your head out of
your arse regarding your sil. Ger child being at nursery is no business of yours.

Its clear you treat your husband like a child and expect everyone else to. You intensely dislike sil so blaming her for this.

If i were her i would refuse to arrange stuff with you. Especially if you went behind my back and attempted to change arrangments i have made because my brother couldnt act like an adult.

BertrandRussell · 09/09/2017 08:41

"If he's driving a lorry & takes a phone call on hands free he can't check his diary. I can see how it is hard for him to keep track of dates" so he says "Sorry, can't check dates at the moment- I'll ring you when I get home"

You know- like a competent adult human being?

hillsideboy · 09/09/2017 08:49

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Gorgosparta · 09/09/2017 08:51

You've clearly driven a very large hgv thenas it's clearly just as easy as a shop assistant or something not life or death..

Are you complaining about people looking down on his job. While looking down on someone elses job?

Original poster
hillsideboy · 09/09/2017 08:56

Sorry I am the one looking down on ppl and not FenellaMaxwellsPony?

I was explaining some of the dangers involved everyday whilst driving a lorry. Hmm

OP posts:
TeaStory · 09/09/2017 08:57

Well if shed actually communicate with me and stopped blanking my phone calls or texts.

Why should she? Considering your attitude towards her, I don't blame her.