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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Just being awkward

413 replies

hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 10:52

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time. He didn't agree nor disagree to anything just said to her "you sort it out sure" as he is very busy working 6days a wk and doing 14hr days nearly everyday!!
After finding out about it I checked our calendar as the date rang a bell and yep we've already got plans that night that we cannot rearrange.
I messaged her to explain the situation and said to her to let me know if she can rearrange the meal.. She is now calling me disrespectful and selfish because we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.
Think she has just gotten the hump cause I said to her well ya know if you'd just checked with me first I'd have told that date didn't suit there and then and we'd have avoided all this hassle.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:
Shumpalumpa · 08/09/2017 20:05

Goldfishshoals

Poor you, married to such an pathetic incompetent moron. Did you know before married him

Did your husband know that about you before he married you?

What a vile post.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/09/2017 20:09

When SIL repeatedly ignores this and refuses to engage with OP, she is telling OP that she doesn't consider her important enough to deal with.

Or maybe she wants to deal with her brother when sorting something out for their father!

Ops DH didn't say talk to OP he said it was fine and could the SIL organise it. I fail to see what SIL has done wrong.

Gizlotsmum · 08/09/2017 20:16

I'm not sure op has actually asked sil to make arrangements through her, just assumed because this has happened before they would know to ask her not him... so they aren't deliberately ignoring her.. just asking their adult blood relative to commit to a plan...

Boulshired · 08/09/2017 20:35

My SIL does all the admin and organisations because DB is not good at that sort of thing. But just because she chooses to treat him like a child does not mean I have to. Maybe the correct response on the arranging of birthday party should have been "what can I do to help". But he decided to remove all responsibilities, left it to his sister and now leaves it to his wife to sort out the shit.

MadMags · 08/09/2017 20:41

Perhaps you and DH could just bow out of it and let them get on with it.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/09/2017 20:47

Here's a thought Op
Why didn't YOU think to message your SIL, knowing she was making plans for Fil's birthday, to let her know that you had a prior engagement on that Saturday?
You knew his birthday was on the Friday, so presumably the meal would be that weekend. You knew you had a prior engagement you say absolutely can not be re arranged for the Saturday, and you must have known it's pretty likely she would pick the Saturday.

Yes, your husband should be able to look at a calendar or remember a prior plan, but since hes so busy, and you think she should have gone through you not him, why couldn't YOU have made the effort to let her know? It's not like his birthday has up and moved date, and surely when prior was booked and written on the calendar, you would have known "oh look, day after Fil's birthday".

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 21:14

The 'thing' is a ticketed event that cost a lot of money and was booked way back in april.. 🙄
Mil and fil are both free on Sunday tea time as are we and ive been the restaurant to confirm times on sunday and they have availability.. have said to sil who is now refusing to speak to anyone about it as she is clearly annoyed and erm childish? 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 21:20

This is a new thing.. we normally did cards/cake at birthdays.
So its not something I would think ahead of when making my own plans.

She was living abroad for a few yrs and since moving bk has tried to make Big deals out of everything.. 😒 then takes the hump cause everyone else is busy!

OP posts:
MadMags · 08/09/2017 21:22

So he told her to go ahead and arrange it, then you decided it didn't suit so took over the organising of it?

And your DH couldn't have told her that this very important ticketed event was happening because lorries.

Of course, she has the audacity to want to celebrate someone's birthday so she deserves your scorn...

grannytomine · 08/09/2017 21:23

Maybe everyone needs to think about what FIL would like? I'm sure a family war isn't what he really wants for his birthday. Is he going to be bothered if you and your husband can't attend? Would he be perfectly happy to have a meal on saturday with his DD and go out with you on Sunday? Or would he like all the family together, in which case SIL needs to grow up, change the date so the event is what her father wants.

Beadieeye · 08/09/2017 21:26

I don't understand why you've taken it upon yourself to rain on her parade? And why you can't see how out of order you are?
You can't just take over and start re-planning everything!

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 21:30

I am not raining on anyone's parade. I politely told her we wouldn't be able to attend the meal as we already have plans. And if possible can it be rearranged?.
She then went on to call me selfish and disrespectful because I don't sit in and twiddle my thumbs all wkend.!

OP posts:
MadMags · 08/09/2017 21:34

That's probably more to do with your attitude to be fair.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 21:38

Grannytomine - I'm sure FIL would've preferred to enjoy a nice meal with his wife! (Which we and sil& her DH could've paid for maybe even stretching to a night away too). And not having all of us out together since we don't get along and it'll just be awkward. Even the kids don't bond well 😒

OP posts:
MadMags · 08/09/2017 21:40

Then instead of rearranging it, you could have stepped away and let them go on Saturday so he wouldn't have to listen to you all hating each other!

londonista · 08/09/2017 21:43

Sorry but tbh it sounds like your FIL would have a better time without for 4 of you there squabbling. What a life.

Beadieeye · 08/09/2017 21:46

Well, your DH mucked up so you miss out. Why is it your SIL's responsibility to change the plans, upsetting everyone else's arrangements just so you don't have to 'twiddle your thumbs'? (Thought you had other plans...)

grannytomine · 08/09/2017 21:47

hillsideboy poor FIL, sounds like it might be better to just arrange your own celebration with him. As a MIL I can tell you I wouldn't want to spend my birthday with everyone feeling awkward and not getting on. I'd rather be on my own with a good book and something I cooked.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 21:48

Madmags in an ideal world yes but obv as she had made such a big song and dance out of this and told them about it and tried to paint us black for having other arrangements! Ive tried to reason with her and help her with the arrangement by contacting the place and checking the availability and with in-laws. But there is no pleasing some ppl. She is just that type of person! But for my in-laws sake I was making an effort.!

OP posts:
Sayyouwill · 08/09/2017 21:48

@hillsideboy why did you bother posting on here if you knew you weren't BU?

I recently had an issue with an event planned for my parents anniversary and my sister forgot to book time off and kicked off that I wouldn't change the date, even though the venue could have accommodated that. The date she wanted simply wouldn't work for everyone else.
Ultimately this petty attitude ruined something that should have been lovely.

You sound petty, childish and above all, selfish. Your DH mucked up, not her. You can't just blame her for all his shortcomings because you don't like her. Grow up.

Original poster
hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 21:51

I'm not assuming it suits everyone.. I've asked and it does. Expect her ofc for no other plans just pure pettiness.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 08/09/2017 21:52

"I don't think this is my DH fault as he is a lorry driver who is at work alot!"

Ohhh ... that's one of the most unreasonable things I've read on AIBU!

But I'm only on page 1. Maybe there's time yet.

ilovegin112 · 08/09/2017 21:56

Op I'm sorry but you are being so rude, why don't you let sil have her dinner with her father on the sat and you invite them for tea on the Sunday, you obviously don't like the sil and her family why are you wanting to go?? sil is obviously the bigger person in the family by the fact she included you all

MammaTJ · 08/09/2017 21:58

YANBU! SILINBU! Your DHIBU!!

He should have checked the dates with you.

I don't think this is my DH fault as he is a lorry driver who is at work alot!

Do you not still speak every day? You know, like married couples do!!
He should have told you as soon as he knew. His busy working life does not mean he gets to abdicate responsibility put on him totally! He does not get to ignore 'wife work'.

londonista · 08/09/2017 21:58

Hillside please re read your posts and look at the language you've used to talk about your SIL. I've no doubt there's fault on both sides but the vitriol must be taking its toll on all of you. Time to be the bigger person? Maybe?

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