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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Just being awkward

413 replies

hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 10:52

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time. He didn't agree nor disagree to anything just said to her "you sort it out sure" as he is very busy working 6days a wk and doing 14hr days nearly everyday!!
After finding out about it I checked our calendar as the date rang a bell and yep we've already got plans that night that we cannot rearrange.
I messaged her to explain the situation and said to her to let me know if she can rearrange the meal.. She is now calling me disrespectful and selfish because we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.
Think she has just gotten the hump cause I said to her well ya know if you'd just checked with me first I'd have told that date didn't suit there and then and we'd have avoided all this hassle.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:
grannytomine · 08/09/2017 15:59

OutToGetYou why is it nutso? If someone wants to invite me somewhere and wants to know if the date suits me then why not ask me? I'm not a chattel I am an adult who can make plans without my husband's permission.

BunsforTea · 08/09/2017 16:10

granny
You seem to be missing the point here. The whole family are invited. If you're going by yourself, fair enough, that's obvious. If the whole family are invited, as they are here, it's silly not to give one reliable reply on behalf of everyone Hmm

Skarossinkplunger · 08/09/2017 16:27

Seriously, why are you married to a child
who can't do anything without your supervision? How exhausting!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 08/09/2017 17:12

I don't really follow why being a lorry driver means he's unable to make basic arrangements or have a sensible conversation such as "I can't see the calendar right now, can you call my wife and ask her to check the date's free?"

I also don't understand why him being a lorry driver means your DH's family should assume he's not to be trusted when he says 'yes' to something, and that rather than his partner, they should view you as his carer....

Your DH shouldn't take some of the responsibility of the fuck up, but all of it.

I'd cancel the other plans.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 08/09/2017 17:18

granny - I don't follow you - if you were inviting a couple to a meal, would you really call one then the other one to separately invite both, not just call one of them, (usually whichever you were closer to), and tell them the invite was for both of them?

I really don't know anyone who arranges things like that!

howmanyusernames · 08/09/2017 17:24

Can I ask, what is the 'thing' you have on that you cannot rearrange?

Gorgosparta · 08/09/2017 17:29

If someone wants to invite me somewhere and wants to know if the date suits me then why not ask me? I'm not a chattel I am an adult who can make plans without my husband's permission.

So you do individual invites for every person?

You are also forgetting that the Op expects that she is contacted and she decides if the day is free for both her and her dh. Does that mean the Op wants to treat her dh like chattel?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 08/09/2017 17:33

I really don't know anyone who arranges things like that!

No nor me.

StealthPolarBear · 08/09/2017 17:37

" MIL is the exact same trying to make plans with the Boys then we always have to rearrange"

Clearly you have vaginally operated calendars in your families.

Donttouchthethings · 08/09/2017 18:05

I think I would msg sil, apologising profusely for dh being crap. Explain what's happened, that he agreed when he was distracted by work and completely forgot to check the diary or even to tell you about it. These things happen unfortunately - no need for drama and always good to play the long game.

If everyone's happy to rearrange it (I wouldn't assume), then I think I might offer to help rearrange it - this would save her further hassle and also show appreciation for her efforts.

OutToGetYou · 08/09/2017 18:07

So, if you're inviting you neighbours, Fred and Jim, round for dinner, you pop over, Jim opens the door, you say "are you free for dinner on Sat?" Jim says yes. You then say "great, can I talk to Fred now please?"?

If course you don't! You just say "we'd like to invite you both to dinner Sat, can you let me know if you're available?" and when one of them confirms, it is for both of them.

No one asks everyone individually. I stand by my previous comment - that would be nutso.

NoFucksImAQueen · 08/09/2017 18:35

Oh FFS
While dh was training he was working. 7 days a week between 2 jobs, often 15 hours between leaving the house and getting home. This didn't make him incapable of being an adult in other ways and checking the calendar if needed or responding to a text.
At the time I was also very busy looking after a newborn, a 1 year old and a 4 year old 13 hours a day. I hadn't realised at the time that gave me a cop out from everything

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 08/09/2017 18:41

If this was the first time this had happened it would be fine. I'd give DH an earful but get over it but it's every flipping time!!!! MIL is the exact same trying to make plans with the Boys then we always have to rearrange cause there is football,ice hockey, friends birthday partys etc that they've already got plans for..

Like is it really that hard to just mgs me and leave him out of it.!?

You really don't grasp the irony here, do you? Your idiot of a husband repeatedly messes up this very, very simple task, and you think the problem is with the people that treat him like a competent adult.

I just... how are women happy to live with these useless men? How on earth can you respect him?

TrinityTaylor · 08/09/2017 18:51

Don't care how busy dh is. Lots of people work longer hours and manage to stay organised. I hate this notion that the poor hard working man's calendar has to be arranged around him with him taking zero responsibility. Pathetic

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/09/2017 19:00

Your idiot of a husband repeatedly messes up this very, very simple task, and you think the problem is with the people that treat him like a competent adult.

I just... how are women happy to live with these useless men?

This. ^^

Mumsnet is such a window into other people's lives.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 08/09/2017 19:17

I love this. OP is married to a useless twit and that's everyone else's fault.

Expecting to rearrange from Saturday to Sunday isn't really fair. I get up at 4.30am on a Monday. Just because I'm free on a Sunday doesn't mean I can go out.

grannytomine · 08/09/2017 19:19

You seem to be missing the point here. The whole family are invited. If you're going by yourself, fair enough, that's obvious. If the whole family are invited, as they are here, it's silly not to give one reliable reply on behalf of everyone But his sister knew it wasn't a reliable reply, he didn't check with OP, he didn't check calendar so if she wanted her SIL, the OP, to attend she could have asked her not just expected her to tag along like a good little wifey.

grannytomine · 08/09/2017 19:22

So, if you're inviting you neighbours, Fred and Jim, round for dinner, you pop over, Jim opens the door, you say "are you free for dinner on Sat?" Jim says yes. You then say "great, can I talk to Fred now please?"? I'd expect Jim to then call to Fred and ask if he was free because you know adults aren't joined at the hip and Fred might just be doing something else.

Gorgosparta · 08/09/2017 19:24

I'd expect Jim to then call to Fred and ask if he was free because you know adults aren't joined at the hip and Fred might just be doing something else

Which is what the ops sister did. Asked her brother and he told her to sort it out. Which she did.

Or would you stand there until jim called fred? What if fred didnt answer?

Again, do you think the OP expects people to let her treat her husband as chattle?

grannytomine · 08/09/2017 19:41

No I expect her to treat him as an adult who might have arrangements of his own. Don't you ever do anything without your partner?

jessepinkwoman · 08/09/2017 19:51

Forget Jim, Fred and the DH for a minute...

OP - WHAT ARE your plans that can't be rearranged??

That would swing my opinion. A non-refundable hotel break weekend away? Your friend's wedding? Your own parent's anniversary party? Something that you must attend that CAN'T actually be cancelled or rearranged?

Or, are you just digging your heels in because you weren't consulted earlier?

Gorgosparta · 08/09/2017 19:52

The op expects all plans to go through her because he is so very busy.

She has made it clear she wants to be in charge of his diary and he isny grown up enough

Gizlotsmum · 08/09/2017 19:52

But she invited them both ( via the DH). Now I would expect if my DH was asked about both of us attending something he would mention it to me and we would give a joint answer ( either we both go or just one of us , or neither if we had plans already). Doesn't mean I don't do stuff without him but this was obviously a joint invite so I wouldn't expect to be asked separately

Gorgosparta · 08/09/2017 19:53

Don't you ever do anything without your partner?

Have i said people shouldnt?

The ops sister asked her brother. Her brother gave her the ok. He then didnt tell his wife. He is the issue.

Shumpalumpa · 08/09/2017 19:59

I think OP is getting a hard time. And calling her DH vile names is OTT.

I hate wifework and avoid it well. My DH sorts all visits/presents/cards for his family.

However, in OP's case she has willingly and happily chosen to take responsibility for their social calendar and informed her SIL and MIL. It doesn't matter why her DH doesn't like to organise things with his family, as he has passed the task to his willing wife. It works for them and is their choice.

When SIL repeatedly ignores this and refuses to engage with OP, she is telling OP that she doesn't consider her important enough to deal with. Abd that's just as bad as in laws who expect their DIL to organise the family calendar because she is the woman.

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