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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL Just being awkward

413 replies

hillsideboy · 08/09/2017 10:52

My SIL booked a place for my FILs birthday that is coming up soon. She spoke to my DH about it who failed to mention it to me until nearer the time. He didn't agree nor disagree to anything just said to her "you sort it out sure" as he is very busy working 6days a wk and doing 14hr days nearly everyday!!
After finding out about it I checked our calendar as the date rang a bell and yep we've already got plans that night that we cannot rearrange.
I messaged her to explain the situation and said to her to let me know if she can rearrange the meal.. She is now calling me disrespectful and selfish because we had plans already made and can't change them yet the meal can easily be moved to the next day as I've checked with the place already.
Think she has just gotten the hump cause I said to her well ya know if you'd just checked with me first I'd have told that date didn't suit there and then and we'd have avoided all this hassle.

Aibu or is she?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 09/09/2017 09:01

You're determined to make excuses for your DH.
I doubt your DH was given just a 5 minute window to answer the question about dates for the party before the party was booked. Unless he is driving the truck 24/7 for months at a time he has time to check a calendar or ask you if a date is suitable.
Your DH is not the only one in the world with a difficult job. I know police who have been working round the clock since the recent terrorism events who can still manage their families calendar stop being so ridiculous.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 09/09/2017 09:02

But op you are failing to grasp that you and your DH are the odd ones for thinking it's normal that when an adult man (without additional needs) says "yes" to an arrangement, the woman asking should know that acceptance isn't to be trusted!

Your DH is the one causing the problem by agreeing to things without checking first if you can all do them. He needs to either check first or just say "not sure if we're free, can you ask hill? She's got the diary."

The problem is not your sil asking him to stuff, it's him committing you all to dates without making any effort to check if you can do it, or asking sil to speak to you.

It could well be that other people who've been living with you for years have learned not to ask him/to check back with you, but sil has been away. Perhaps rather than focussing on trying to "train" her to ask you, you remind your DH that he needs to tell people to check with you.

BertrandRussell · 09/09/2017 09:05

As I said. "Sorry, can't tell you atm.. I'll ring when I get home"

Gizlotsmum · 09/09/2017 09:06

My DH is useless with dates/times but he knows this and will either check with me himself or (over time) the person doing the arranging has learnt to check with me.

However if he said sure whatever to someone they would take that as acceptance, if he then told me much later I would not try to rearrange it and he would be the one apologising.

It really does sound like sil will always be to blame in your eyes and I can see why she might not want to talk to you. She was doing something nice and rather than you say you can't make it you tell her it can be rearranged as you have checked with everyone?! You're acting like she is as incompetent as her brother which is highly unfair!

happypoobum · 09/09/2017 09:12

YABU but you just aren't going to accept it are you?

If I was making family plans I would speak to my DB, not my SIL. I like her very much, but he is my brother and so I have most contact with him.

It sounds like you are the poster girl for Wifework and you poor DH is incapable of normal family admin. Truly pathetic.

You may choose to live this way but you cannot blame SIL for being annoyed when the plans she carefully made are ruined because your DH is such a pratt.

TheBigPickle · 09/09/2017 09:17

OP,
I'm sorry but I agree with everyone (which is literally nearly everyone) saying you are unreasonable. This is 100% your DHs fault.

My suggestion would be for you to stop getting so involved with your DHs family. Leave it all to your DH. Don't let them criticize you and stop getting so involved. It would be easier and less hassle. If nothing ever gets arranged then so what. I do this with DHs family. I go along with the flow and don't worry about what they all do.

BTW. I like my SIL but I HATE arranging things with her, I much prefer to sort things out direct with my brother. He is a bit useless but whatever , I find my SIL a bit bossy .... 😂

HiJenny35 · 09/09/2017 09:19

YABU she checked with your oh, he said sure, you should change your plans and then have a go at oh for being a twat. Plus you were rude for saying she should have checked with you, your oh is a grown up and she checked with him.

GinIsIn · 09/09/2017 09:21

So it's not acceptable for me to say brain surgery is more difficult than driving a lorry, but you can shit all over someone being a shop assistant? Right. And no, that's NOT THE SAME. Doing a job that saves someone's life is not the same as having the potential to kill people by being shit at your job. The example you have given just proves you need to be good at driving to be a lorry driver. It doesn't make it a life saving job.

pictish · 09/09/2017 09:23

My dh is similarly shit on dates. However, he always tells them he'll check with me then get back to them. Then sure enough, he checks with then gets back to them.
It's called dealing with your own shit like an adult.

sofato5miles · 09/09/2017 09:23

Your attitude is incredibly blinkered and aggressive. Your DH mucked up. He answered the call and gave the get go.

It sounds like you are in a power struggle with DIL and that, really, you are enjoying it.

pictish · 09/09/2017 09:29

So we have established that performing neurosurgery can save lives. Why are we talking about it in the first place?

GinIsIn · 09/09/2017 09:30

Because my pointing out lorry driving isn't brain surgery has been greeted with cries of disbelief. Hmm

Textpectation · 09/09/2017 09:35

So yes her being here wouldn't annoy me if she didn't constantly assume thst cause her bro says sure whatever that we will all just follow suit!

Is "her bro" your husband?

pictish · 09/09/2017 09:37

It's a moot point because lorry driver or neurosurgeon, both people are still responsible for dealing with their own immediate family.

ChocolateDoll · 09/09/2017 09:42

Aw, man. This is not SIL's fault!

This is dh's fault.

How can you not see that?!?!?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 09/09/2017 09:42

You have a really nasty attitude, OP. Your SIL is not the problem here (and I would hedge a bet she hasn't been the issue in the past either; she just doesn't behave exactly how you want), it's you and your man child of a husband.

He has created the problem here, he should be apologising for being utterly useless and realise he needs to take some responsibility.

Having a hard and stressful job does not render him incapable of looking at a calendar, or if you really do insist on doing everything, it doesn't render him incapable of mentioning that SIL wanted to do something around X date.

He is entirely responsible here and you are being VVVU.

KatharinaRosalie · 09/09/2017 09:43

He has told his side of the family to check things with me, yet they still fail to do so.

Jesus. Why on earth does he then agree to plans, instead of telling them that he's not sure and to check with you??

JigglyTuff · 09/09/2017 09:44

So basically, you used to organise everything to fit around you and now your SIL has moved back to the UK, she has started organising things and you're pissed off because you no longer have control.

And that snippy little comment about her being an SAHM with only one child who's at nursery all day really doesn't reflect well on you at all.

packofshunts · 09/09/2017 09:48

OP it is what it is, and if I were you I'd now just try to make it work.

Beadieeye · 09/09/2017 09:49

She rightfully isn't going to accommodate you when you're intent on hating her guts. Do your DH's family a favour and stay away- send a card like you used to do- why would they want to spend time with someone who is openly spiteful towards their daughter?
Enjoy your ticketed event.

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 09/09/2017 09:52

Reading your 8:25 post, op, it is clear just how much you dislike your SIL. I think that whatever she did, you'd find a way to use it against her. Maybe she wants to arrange a birthday celebration for her parents because her wonderful, amazing, lorry driving brother and his wife have never bothered with more than 'cards and cake'. Maybe she feels that as her sibling, ie: sharing the same parents, her brother is the person to discuss herplans with and that he ought to have some input? Maybe she assumes that when he tells her to go ahead and arrange it, he doesn't actually mean ' you need to call my wife because I don't have our calendar here and can't confirm dates until later'. Or maybe she called him because she is fully aware how you feel about her and she really doesn't want to talk to someone who so obviously dislikes her. Either way, your DH, and only your DH, is the person to blame here because he could have told her to call you or that he'd confirm dates later. But he didn't. He told her to go ahead.

grannytomine · 09/09/2017 09:53

I've never known a family where only the husband can talk to his family and only the wife can talk to hers. Doesn't getting married involve you joining two families? If I'm at work and my sister phones about something my husband will deal with it and to be honest if you want to arrange something that involves checking dates it would be better not to phone someone at work who is doing something like driving a lorry as it would be obvious that they need to concentrate on what they are doing.

Personally I don't want lorry drivers, bus drivers or even car drivers organising their social life while they are driving. I can't think that any road safety expert would think that is a good idea. I wouldn't want a surgeon doing it mid surgery. Some jobs it would be more doable although the boss might not appreciate it because he will be paying you to do your job not chat to your sister on the phone.

OP I would give up if I was you, there are people on here who are so right on and liberated they won't do wife work but are quite happy for their husbands to commit them to attending something even though they have other plans. Go figure.

SurferRona · 09/09/2017 09:54

YABU. Regulations about stints of HGV driving are very strict, so if your DH is working as much as you say he'll be frequently parked up on enforced rest breaks. Why can't he check Google calendar then and communicate with his sister and family during those times? He'd have tons of time for it! you clearly don't like your SIL or your DH family who is trying to arrange lovely things for everyone, and it's everyone who's suffering for your attitude. Would love to hear your DH side of this...

jacks11 · 09/09/2017 09:55

YABU. But it's very clear you don't feel YABU in any way, which does rather beg the question of why you bothered to ask.

The way you've said to your SIL "well you just should ask me, so suck it up" completely exonerates your DH of any responsibility.

Your DH is the problem- he leaves all the organisation to you by the sounds of it.Working long hours doesn't mean you cannot be involved in household planning. I work very long hours too, yet still manage to keep on top of these things. It's not hard- phones have calendars, he could have a diary etc, so if he wanted to it would be easy enough to sort out.

If it suits the two of you for him to know nothing of your plans, then if he is asked if he/your family is free on a certain date but he doesn't know then he should say "sorry, ask hillside" or "don't know, I'll ask hillside and get back to you". Like normal adults would. It's almost like you infantalise him a bit.

CastIronCookware · 09/09/2017 09:57

It Appears that your SIL has rejoined the family dynamic after time living abroad, and is treating your DH like an adult. You say his DM does the same.

The problem is, you have not expected him to behave like an adult up until now - as you expect people to automatically talk to you about his diary arrangements, rather than do so at his request when they approach him.

YABU to expect his family to bypass him and talk directly to you, and YABU to excuse your DH based on his job.

I do wonder how on earth did he manage without you?

How do other lorry drivers who don't have social secretaries cope with life?

I know of some people who drive for a living who are school governors, charity trustees, football coaches. If they can manage, then it suggests that it is not the job, but your DHs choices, that are the influencing factor.