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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DP and online shopping

244 replies

blackjacker · 07/09/2017 18:20

So I'm pretty sure on the whole I'm not BU but there are a couple of aspects that are possibly U.

My DSC visit every weekend and until I had my DS (6 months) I meal planned and cooked pretty much every night, including the nights his kids stayed. Once DS was born I asked that he take on meal planning, shopping and cooking the nights DSC are here. We shop online, in practise this means I still do the bulk of planning and shopping and he has the login and can add whatever he wants or needs for the weekend. The shop comes the same day every week and the cut off for editing is the same every bloody week. For 6 months I have had to remind him that a) his kids need feeding and b) to add stuff to the shop. This isn't just one reminder, I'm usually texting him right up to the cut off time and as he doesn't like the website he usually asks me to add his items.

So last week I reminded him as per usual and he asks me to add a couple of snacky bits and some wine. Nothing for the DSC meals. I decided not to highlight this and let him deal with the fallout. Lo and behold the weekend comes, he asks me what's for dinner (ffs) and I remind him it's his responsibility at the weekend and he didn't order anything. He was super pissed off that he had to go to the supermarket and said we were meant to be a team Hmm. I said I'm not reminding him anymore, he needs to be organised enough to sort it himself.

This week, nothing added. Oh well, no dinner sorted for the weekend again but I'm fucking fuming. He will say he was working away but he wasn't working in middle of nowhere, there's evidently wifi as he's found time to game on his laptop in the hotel room.

This is all incredibly petty and at the end if the day the DSC miss out. I HAVE meals I could cook this weekend but how is he going to learn to take some responsibility? This has the mental load written all over it and I want him to see that he is relying on me to do all my jobs and remember to remind him to do his.

So AIBU? And if not, I need some bullet points on how to convey this to him in a calm, non argumentative way. I'm on mat leave at the moment but this is the tip of the iceberg and just one example when it comes to division of labour and I can't see things changing when I go back I work (especially as things were no different when I was actually at work).

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 07/09/2017 18:29

I kinda think you are being unreasonable. For now anyway.

I do the shopping online, I make sure the food is there, then whoever is least busy gets on and cooks it. I think it's weird you don't cook or plan at all for your SC.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/09/2017 18:30

Just keep smiling and calmly telling him that the agreement is this is his job.
I bet his boss doesn't have to constantly remind him of his responsibilities - it's just that he thinks domestic work is women's work and he is doing you a favour by taking on part of it, so you should be grateful he does anything at all and always be ready to pick up the slack.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/09/2017 18:33

Is this worth the aggro? I fully agree with him taking the lions share of responsibility for his kids but a couple of meals? Meh I couldn't get het up over it

Work to each other's strengths?

Dairymilkmuncher · 07/09/2017 18:35

Stop trying to teach him and just work as a team, you're putting so much effort and thought into not getting the shopping, just do the shopping....

If he's better at dishes, taking bins out, cleaning the bathroom etc ask him If he could do that instead but repeatedly letting him forget food for your own step kids is so silly and really cutting your nose to spite your face?

Why aren't you making his dinner when his step kids are round so he can spend some time with them instead of the kitchen as well? Be better if his cooking nights were when they weren't there surely?

Purplemac · 07/09/2017 18:36

Something like online shopping needs to be done by just one person I think, it's a lot of gaff for two people to be mucking around with. If I were you'd I would substitute it and say you'll do all the online shopping and meal planning (which really doesn't take long at all) if he cooks when his DC are there and another evening during the week too. So you lose an evening of cooking in exchange for doing the online shopping.

Ragwort · 07/09/2017 18:37

I think you sound incredibly petty, surely you knew your DH had children when you married him - you chose to marry - and have a child with - someone who already has children and now you can't be bothered to order and cook a bit extra when they come and stay. Presumably you are happy to order and cook food for your own DS (if he is eating solids Grin) and your DH and yourself. Are you saying you are expected to cook something separate for the children?

Do you like your step children? Do you want to have a relationship with them?

DeadGood · 07/09/2017 18:37

Agree with Quite - I also think you are creating a damaging demarcation between days you are prepared to cook, and days when the SC are over, in which case you absolutely will not cook.
Come up with another system. One week on, one week off. Or he cooks 3 nights out of 7, but you buy the ingredients. And he can pick up another task as well if you still feel like he isn't pulling his weight (fair enough).
But clearly the current setup isn't working, and you're being stubborn about it.

Shylo · 07/09/2017 18:38

I entirely understand that a division of labour is fair given you are juggling a new born and your DP needs to take in more. It does however seem unfair that you've divided that along the lines of feeding your DSC and I'm not sure why if you're ordering the rest of the shop you wouldn't do it for everyone in the family for the whole week

Either take it in turns to do the whole thing or allocate him a different chore instead

gttia · 07/09/2017 18:40

I organise the food being in, but he has to cook one of the weekend nights when his dc is here. I do the other 28 nights and all the meal planning but I enjoy a night out of the kitchen and they enjoy the time together. But I always buy it in ready for him

Scribblegirl · 07/09/2017 18:41

Yeah, I think the next step is a breezy conversation of:
'You're right, we ARE a team! Online shopping clearly doesn't play to your strengths - what jobs shall we trade instead which I currently do?'
I don't think you are U to want to go mad at him but I don't think that's going to get you to where you want to be.

If he wants to be clinical I would calculate how much time you'll spend in cooking/planning/online ordering for those meals and (maybe 2 hours a week? 20 mins planning, 10 mins adding stuff to the shop and 1.5hrs cooking?) then ask him to come up with 2 hours a week of wifework shit work he's going to take over instead.

Highly suspect he'll shag off whatever task he nominates for those two hours but then you've got a 'you asked to do this instead - where's the teamwork' argument on your hands instead.

SlaveToDisney · 07/09/2017 18:41

I think actually YABU. You do the online shopping but make him add on stuff for his children and your step children. If your doing the online shop anyway then surely juat add in what you need for the weekend. Do you not eat at the weekend if he hasn't added the food or do you have food for just yourself and your 6 month old? If you want him to step up and help more than have a conversation about it with him but what you are doing at the moment is petty and it's your step children that are missing out on being fed because you want to prove some sort of point.

Glumglowworm · 07/09/2017 18:51

Yanbu to want him to share the mental load but I think yabu about how you're going about it

You've previously done all the shopping and food planning. You're still doing the majority of it. Plus all the time and effort spent worrying about him not doing it. You might as well just take over all meal planning and grocery shopping.

But, he needs to be entirely responsible for say laundry or ironing or whatever. And when he's working away, you will do what you can if he tells you what needs doing, but the mental load is his.

Hisnamesblaine · 07/09/2017 18:53

You already do the online shopping. Why shouldn't thar include the weekend food. So long as your DP is doing his bit around the house, cooking cleaning etc then im sorry but you are being petty and unreasonable

userlotsanumbers · 07/09/2017 18:55

YABU
Those poor kids, sitting there waiting for supposed adults arguing over whether they get fed or not that weekend. Presumably if this carries on, you and 'your' child (I'm sorry to break it to you, you married him so they're sort of yours now too) will be tucking in, while smiling sweetly at the hungry stepkids? Ugh.

Hugely petty. He doesn't want to do that, give him another job instead.

Itching · 07/09/2017 18:57

I don't think you're being petty at all, but this isnt going to work.

I suggest you handle all the shopping BUT offload one task you hate doing to him in exchange.

motherinferior · 07/09/2017 18:58

Why should she 'give' him a job? He lives there too.

I would hate to have to cook every night. I certainly didn't do it when I had a small baby.

expatinscotland · 07/09/2017 19:02

What's unreasonable is one person doing all the cooking every single night. Fuck that.

weaselwords · 07/09/2017 19:03

I cannot believe that people think you are being unreasonable. I feel like I've fallen through a worm hole back to the 1950s! Your husband is more than capable of ordering some food for his children. He just thinks you should because he can't be bothered and is too important and so do half of mumsnet by the look of it. I despair.

AlternativeTentacle · 07/09/2017 19:04

YABU.

Let him do all the shopping, including yours. Let him get a log-in for whichever shop he wants and let him do the whole lot.

Why should you do it all?

5rivers7hills · 07/09/2017 19:06

How is it unreasonable that he cooks at the weekends when he has more time and there are more people to cook for?

He's only being difficult and shit because he doesn't want to do it.

JustMumNowNotMe · 07/09/2017 19:07

Petty, pathetic and downright ridiculous! What is ir about having a baby that rendered you no longer capable of cooking for your step children, as you seemed to manage ir before??

Boatmistress17 · 07/09/2017 19:10

How much parenting does he do without being reminded /coaxed?
My exh had his dc whenever I was the one to organise pick ups /drop offs and shopping /cooking. . He was a shit sort of df.
If this is your dh only crap point then just do the shop. .

Ragwort · 07/09/2017 19:10

weasel of course the DH is more than capable of ordering food for his children - but why the demarcation? It honestly sounds as though the OP can't be bothered to order food and cook for the DSC - which does seem incredibly petty.

Is she saying she will order and cook the food for herself, DH and their joint child but not the step children Confused.

As others have said, a much fairer way would be for DH to do the all the cooking (or laundry/cleaning whatever works) but to specifically refuse to order and cook food for your step children sounds beyond mean and petty. I am glad my step father never treated me like that. Sad.

Secretservice · 07/09/2017 19:15

He doesn't want to do that
Nor does Blackjack. So his decision that she should feed his kids trumps hers? Is that really an attitude still common out there?
I despair.

Girlsworld92 · 07/09/2017 19:18

I think you are being a bit unreasonable purely from the fact that you are creating a division between how you deal with your child and step children. Although they probably won't notice I think if you are with somebody who already has kids from a previous relationship you have to accept responsibility for them as part of your family. Also in the grand scheme of things it's not worth making a big fuss over. I understand that it's frustrating doing all the meal planning as I'm the one who does it in our house and it does get annoying but just make it easy and get stuff for
the kids to make their own pizzas or do a quick pasta dish/jacket potatoes. Doesn't have to be gourmet food every night.