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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DP and online shopping

244 replies

blackjacker · 07/09/2017 18:20

So I'm pretty sure on the whole I'm not BU but there are a couple of aspects that are possibly U.

My DSC visit every weekend and until I had my DS (6 months) I meal planned and cooked pretty much every night, including the nights his kids stayed. Once DS was born I asked that he take on meal planning, shopping and cooking the nights DSC are here. We shop online, in practise this means I still do the bulk of planning and shopping and he has the login and can add whatever he wants or needs for the weekend. The shop comes the same day every week and the cut off for editing is the same every bloody week. For 6 months I have had to remind him that a) his kids need feeding and b) to add stuff to the shop. This isn't just one reminder, I'm usually texting him right up to the cut off time and as he doesn't like the website he usually asks me to add his items.

So last week I reminded him as per usual and he asks me to add a couple of snacky bits and some wine. Nothing for the DSC meals. I decided not to highlight this and let him deal with the fallout. Lo and behold the weekend comes, he asks me what's for dinner (ffs) and I remind him it's his responsibility at the weekend and he didn't order anything. He was super pissed off that he had to go to the supermarket and said we were meant to be a team Hmm. I said I'm not reminding him anymore, he needs to be organised enough to sort it himself.

This week, nothing added. Oh well, no dinner sorted for the weekend again but I'm fucking fuming. He will say he was working away but he wasn't working in middle of nowhere, there's evidently wifi as he's found time to game on his laptop in the hotel room.

This is all incredibly petty and at the end if the day the DSC miss out. I HAVE meals I could cook this weekend but how is he going to learn to take some responsibility? This has the mental load written all over it and I want him to see that he is relying on me to do all my jobs and remember to remind him to do his.

So AIBU? And if not, I need some bullet points on how to convey this to him in a calm, non argumentative way. I'm on mat leave at the moment but this is the tip of the iceberg and just one example when it comes to division of labour and I can't see things changing when I go back I work (especially as things were no different when I was actually at work).

OP posts:
Jennyhatesjazz0 · 07/09/2017 21:54

No. I totally get it. Because when the children ask what's for dinner, he knows. He doesn't have to say 'ask Blackjack'.

When they ask 'Dad, can I have a bag of crisps?' He knows where they are.

When they moan that they don't want what's on the menu, it's not the evil stepmothers fault.

It's active parenting.

motherinferior · 07/09/2017 21:59

It's not 'help'. It's his responsibility too. And it's not 'bits of the same job' in the sense that the OP should swap it for the bins or even the laundry - cooking is the one thing that has to be done day after day. You can get by with nobody emptying the bins or even washing the sheets. Everyone has to eat. Again and again and again.

Original poster
blackjacker · 07/09/2017 22:11

motherinferior yes, planning and cooking everyday for a family is relentless. To think I actually used to quite like cooking Sad

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/09/2017 22:14

I would have no problem doing the online shopping, as long as he did the cooking.

Stellato · 07/09/2017 22:16

I think you're being fair, OP. He said he'd do weekend dinners, so you're letting him do that. I think you're right about the mental load as well, he can no doubt manage to remember things at work so he can manage to remember this.

The team comment would annoy me. Not doing what you said you'd do is bad teamwork. Blaming your team member for your own shortcomings is bad teamwork.

AlternativeTentacle · 07/09/2017 22:18

Blimey. This was not the response I expected from the MN crowd

Stepmothers cannot do anything right on MN. Totally standard response.

Shumpalumpa · 07/09/2017 22:22

I can't believe what I'm reading on this thread.

OP works out of home (albeit currently on mat leave) and does most of the housework and cooking, yet people think she is being petty for trying to get her OH to step up. It's HIS responsibility to shop for and cook for his kids, not OP's. He does fuck all else.

OP, YANBU at all. It is wifework. I wonder why he split with his first wife? Hmm

What happens when you go back to work up, OP? Your OH is effectively another child formyou to take care of.

steff13 · 07/09/2017 22:24

My Y chromosome

?

Nuttynoo · 07/09/2017 22:25

I think yanbu for being pissed off at him, but stop putting the kids in the middle of it. If you no longer cook on the weekends then tell him you won't regardless of whether he has his kids over or not. Actually if I were you I'd make him suffer all week while it's just you and your dc and make your dsc's experience fun and nice on the weekend. By differentiating between your dc and dsc you're basically saying you don't give a fuck about them.

SteppingOnToes · 07/09/2017 22:37

I understand where you are coming from - being expected to parent someone elses children so they can do the fun stuff sit on their arse playing xbox is extremeley frustrating. I've been there - went from cooking and taking care of myself to cooking and taking care of 4! 4 times the work, yet for him it was less work as he has been doing it all before we met.

We no longer live together...

Spidergirl999 · 07/09/2017 22:48

I understand what you're saying. And I agree he should do more. I suppose I was just confused as to why, if you did and continue to do the food shopping, you're taking this stance of not buying for his kids. It's seems unfair on them? NO difference whether their biologically bothe your kids or not.

The cooking and everything else YES should be shared fairly. But if one person does the food shopping then it just makes sense to do it all ?

I can't get myself worked up about things like this. Seems pretty petty on your part but it appears there are other underlying issues.

We also have a 6 month old and older SDC. I do ALL the shopping to cover all family members. OH does all the cooking. Whether all or only some of the kids are here.

Spidergirl999 · 07/09/2017 22:49

They're no their Smile

thereallochnessmonster · 07/09/2017 22:59

Blimey, op, you're getting a hard time here, and I don't see why. I totally agree with you.

Your h is being a useless lazy twat. What else does he do around the house? Is this his one job and he's fucked it up?

You're more patient than I would be. Does he do night wakings with your DC, night feeds, etc, or are you doing all those?

notangelinajolie · 07/09/2017 22:59

You sound like hard work. He sounds clueless and you sound like a control freak. My advice is stop trying to change him into a perfect clone of yourself and do the bloody shop yourself.

Seeingadistance · 07/09/2017 23:29

How does the OP sound like hard work, for goodness sake?

I don't think she's being unreasonable at all. All her DP has to do is plan and prepare two meals every week. Shopping is done online so he can add items to the list and have them ready in the house for when he needs them.

He's the one who's not being a team player - not the OP!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/09/2017 23:38

You did the right thing in my opinion.

Look, if he's a lazy twat who will leave all the jobs to you, and you are the type to do them for him when he slacks off (all that reminding for all those months!) then you won't find magic words to make him not lazy. All you can do is step back and let him feel the natural consequences of his laziness.

Hard to believe he's divorced, eh? Ever had a chat with the ex?

liminality · 07/09/2017 23:41

Give him this.
And Every Single One of you in the BU crowd need to read this.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

I don't know if your technique is perfect, but this needs to be addressed, or you'll be doing it for the rest of your marriage. YA Definitely NBU. I am 100% with you OP

maxthemartian · 07/09/2017 23:45

You're getting a hard time because you mentioned step children. You'd have had everyone right behind you if it wasn't for that.

Gooseberrytart4 · 07/09/2017 23:55

Well if he's cooking at the weekends, he needs to choose what he's making and what recipes to use and what ingredients he needs to buy. It would only take him 10 minutes to add all the food items to the online shop once he's made some basic menu decisions. I can't see why you should have to plan the weekends menu and take sole responsibility for food when he's just as able

Seeingadistance · 07/09/2017 23:57

You're getting a hard time because you mentioned step children. You'd have had everyone right behind you if it wasn't for that.

So it seems, and I don't see why that is.

My DS(15) has a step mother, and it annoys me when I find out that she has taken on responsibility for aspects of my DS's care. Not because I don't like her, or because I feel she's treading on my toes. No, it's because my DS's father should be doing these things. A recent example is the buying of school uniform. When I asked my DS when he and his dad had done that, he said his dad had nothing to do with it.

So, a teenage boy is seeing two women take on these aspects of parenting, instead of seeing both mother and father planning and organising and dealing with these things.

Given that the step children see their mother take on their care during the week, then they should see their father deal with at least some key aspects of being parent when they are with him. And that includes the mundane thinking and doing of shopping and cooking.

ilovepixie · 08/09/2017 00:06

How old are you OP? You sound about 2!

Ttbb · 08/09/2017 00:09

It seems fair enough but there is a learning curve. Learning to plan ahead, plan meals etc is not difficult for most people but for others it proves to be quite tasking. I think that you have been quite reasonable pushing you DH into the deep end. He'll learn to swim eventually, it may just take a few last minute trips to the supermarket.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 08/09/2017 00:11

I do all the meal planning and shopping in our house, but it seems fair because my husband does his share of the "unrelenting drudgery" and I feel that work is balanced by his getting up every school morning to make the packed lunches and get the kids out of the house. You can't each play to your own strengths if your partner isn't joining in.

NoProblemForMe · 08/09/2017 01:03

How old are you OP? You sound about 2!

Oh, the irony of that comment.

kmc1111 · 08/09/2017 04:38

He should absolutely be doing more, he should absolutely be cooking (though you might want to divide that up in a way that isn't defined by who's children are present) and he should be meal planning.

But sharing an online shopping basket really isn't a good idea. It overcomplicates things. It's a pain in the ass looking at what someone else has added and trying to figure out what can be shared and what can't. For example if you've added cheese to the basket and he needs some cheese for his meals, does he need to add more cheese because you'll be using all of it, or will there be enough left over? Having to have constant conversations over things like that is an infuriating time suck, but doubling up on things you don't need to is wasteful and expensive.

Just get together and meal plan well in advance. Make up a roster with each meal listed if you have to. Then take it in turns to do the weekly shop.

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