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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DP and online shopping

244 replies

blackjacker · 07/09/2017 18:20

So I'm pretty sure on the whole I'm not BU but there are a couple of aspects that are possibly U.

My DSC visit every weekend and until I had my DS (6 months) I meal planned and cooked pretty much every night, including the nights his kids stayed. Once DS was born I asked that he take on meal planning, shopping and cooking the nights DSC are here. We shop online, in practise this means I still do the bulk of planning and shopping and he has the login and can add whatever he wants or needs for the weekend. The shop comes the same day every week and the cut off for editing is the same every bloody week. For 6 months I have had to remind him that a) his kids need feeding and b) to add stuff to the shop. This isn't just one reminder, I'm usually texting him right up to the cut off time and as he doesn't like the website he usually asks me to add his items.

So last week I reminded him as per usual and he asks me to add a couple of snacky bits and some wine. Nothing for the DSC meals. I decided not to highlight this and let him deal with the fallout. Lo and behold the weekend comes, he asks me what's for dinner (ffs) and I remind him it's his responsibility at the weekend and he didn't order anything. He was super pissed off that he had to go to the supermarket and said we were meant to be a team Hmm. I said I'm not reminding him anymore, he needs to be organised enough to sort it himself.

This week, nothing added. Oh well, no dinner sorted for the weekend again but I'm fucking fuming. He will say he was working away but he wasn't working in middle of nowhere, there's evidently wifi as he's found time to game on his laptop in the hotel room.

This is all incredibly petty and at the end if the day the DSC miss out. I HAVE meals I could cook this weekend but how is he going to learn to take some responsibility? This has the mental load written all over it and I want him to see that he is relying on me to do all my jobs and remember to remind him to do his.

So AIBU? And if not, I need some bullet points on how to convey this to him in a calm, non argumentative way. I'm on mat leave at the moment but this is the tip of the iceberg and just one example when it comes to division of labour and I can't see things changing when I go back I work (especially as things were no different when I was actually at work).

OP posts:
MirandaWest · 07/09/2017 19:19

I have 2 DC who are here a bit more than half the week. My DH (their stepdad) doesn't say that I have to cook all their meals. I cook some, he cooks some. As for the online shopping we do it together. We both go in the kitchen and he goes round and looksin the fridge and cupboards and I put things on the order. And then we meal plan together.

You do sound quite petty. Also what do you eat when your Dsc are there?

mickeysminnie · 07/09/2017 19:22

Do two online orders a week. So that an entire order is needed for him for the weekend. Order enough 'snacky bits' so you won't starve and let him to it!
Why should you solely be responsible for ordering and cooking food?

motherinferior · 07/09/2017 19:27

This isn't about the kids getting fed: it's about him being lazy and thoughtless. To avoid the accusations of YOU EVIL STEPMOTHER I suggest you turn it round; you cook when the kids are there, he cooks the other nights.

tailspin · 07/09/2017 19:27

Division of labour, not 50% 50% of all tasks. Simple economics.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 07/09/2017 19:29

Forget who is "right" here. Try and act in the best interests of two children who might very well be feeling a bit pushed out by their new sibling.

So, rather than taking passive aggressive swipes and luxuriating in being "right", why not try and be the better person and not take the risk that your decision not to cook now or to be involved in the provision of any food (wtf?!) for them might just make them feel quite a bit shit.

I couldn't make a kid feel like crap just to win an argument

motherinferior · 07/09/2017 19:29

And I hate this 'he should do the ironing'. Ironing - or bins or whatever - doesn't have to be done time after time after bone-wearying time. Even laundry with a newish baby doesn't have to be done all the damn time every day. It's not a like for like.

ChickenBhuna · 07/09/2017 19:31

Why don't you just take turns? My dh and I meal plan and online shop on alternative weeks.

Seems a bit silly to share the online shop each week when it's really a one person Job.

When it's dp's week he just asks if there's anything I need and chucks it in the basket and I do the same for him.

Sunnyjac · 07/09/2017 19:34

Yanbu. The one not carrying the mental load has no clue about exactly how much goes on. Drives me mad

DreamingofItaly · 07/09/2017 19:36

I think YABU. Do the shop and get him to cook. Do the shop together, that's what we do, on the sofa in front of the telly. I ask if there's anything extra DP wants and I add it. It's easy.

Thinking about it, if your delivery is the same every week, why don't you just set up the basics, including food for the weekends and say "anything extra snack or wine wise you want, add it, otherwise shopping is done" type thing. No bother for either of you to think about it then!

ThePants999 · 07/09/2017 19:39

Blimey. This was not the response I expected from the MAN crowd.

ThePants999 · 07/09/2017 19:39

*MN, thanks phone.

NoProblemForMe · 07/09/2017 19:41

YANBU

If he is responsible for the meal planning (i.e. deciding what he's going to cook) then it makes perfect sense he adds the necessary ingredients to the online shopping. OP isn't psychic as far as we know so how would she know what to order on his behalf?

Sounds to me like one of those "if I fuck it up enough times she'll stop asking me to do it" situations.

Akire · 07/09/2017 19:41

YRNBU all you are asking is he thinks of two meals the children like and add himself or text you in reasonable time. It's hardly asking a lot. The mental load them shifts ever so slightly, then when kids are there he knows what's in. So no asking what's for dinner, have we got X snacks and drinks. Why shouldn't her take turn at planning and cooking especially with new baby in house.

Missingstreetlife · 07/09/2017 19:46

Can the kids help cook, even little ones can chop and stir things, fun with dad or step mum?

sonjadog · 07/09/2017 19:47

I suggest you change it to one person every other week has responsibility. This way to will avoid the criticisms of not treating kids equally, and if he doesn´t have food bought in, then he will have to go out and get it night after night - which will teach the planning and ordering lesson faster.

starfishmummy · 07/09/2017 19:49

I think you both need to grow up

sonjadog · 07/09/2017 19:49

Also the "we work as a team" comment would piss me off. Because it appears that to him that means that you do it all. Where´s the team effort?

43percentburnt · 07/09/2017 19:50

If he doesn't like the website surely he could just pop into a supermarket like millions of others do every week. Even people with a job pop in, some are open 24 hours a day.

When you return to work you will end up taking time out for sickness and child related things. Have you discussed what will happen when you return to work? You call him dp so I guess you are not married - look after your career. He will look after his have no doubt about that.

1981trouble · 07/09/2017 19:54

I think you need to acknowledge that this system doesn't work for both of you and look at other options. I've tried online lists and having people log in but they just don't get round to it and tbh I didn't get on with it either.

My sister uses the amazon echo for theirs.

We meal plan as a family during dinner once a week (tonight) and write it onto the calendar there and then. The calendar also has a shopping list attached which is filled in through the week
One of us then takes the job of doing the online shop (coordinates the menu and the list). Tonight it's the 9yo (obv we check afterwards before order is submitted), last week was ohs. I'll do next week.

Find some way that works for the whole family

Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2017 19:55

"said we were meant to be a team" yes but it is not team work to leave i all to you.

I'd just say, no more we will add this on this day or that, one day a week, we will sit together for 20 minutes I will tap in the food we need and you will sit next to me looking up food on your phone and when ready tell me what you think your kids will like and then I will tap it in while you sit next to me.

No changing or adding. If we have forgotten anything whoever wants it most will go to the shops and buy it.

Also I would save a regular shopping list on line for a typical week and just vary the veg and meat a bit each week.

YANBU but as this system is not working you need to find a way that ensures you both get involved in food and shopping otherwise it will all end up at your door.

NoProblemForMe · 07/09/2017 19:56

Are people missing the fact that DP has agreed to this arrangement but is now doing everything to avoid fulfilling his part of the bargain?

I think OP would have had a different response if she'd said it was just her and DP. Most rational posters would have said that of course he should do some of the cooking and stick to what he had agreed.

Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2017 20:01

I think the factor with the step kids does make it more complicated. I think it would work better (in terms of a team, if that is the aim) for the OP and her dh to come up with a system that means they both choose and cook food for when step kids are around, a united front. Far better I think in the long run. But ensuring it does not all end up at the OP's door.

But whatever system you choose, OP, your dh has to agree and fulfill his bit or it is him who is missing out on the team work.

abigailgabble · 07/09/2017 20:02

i think YABU. you are drawing a line between his DC and your joint DC - petty. if you are alreay doing the shopping anyway then get that done and that's one task done. he can pitch in and do other tasks but there is no need to fuss about ordering the food. if he is a lazy sod generally then that's another issue but a coordinated joint effort at placing an online shopping order is excessive imo.

motherinferior · 07/09/2017 20:10

I suggest you bung a few things on the weekly order like pasta, tins of tomatoes, frozen peas, fishcakes etc - so he can't do the "oh but there is nothing in" act. Then leave him to cook at the weekend. Or during the week if that gets you off the EVIL STEPMOTHER hook.

motherinferior · 07/09/2017 20:13

And in plenty of households, like mine, men do actually do half the cooking. See also: laundry, hoovering, cleaning the loo...