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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DP and online shopping

244 replies

blackjacker · 07/09/2017 18:20

So I'm pretty sure on the whole I'm not BU but there are a couple of aspects that are possibly U.

My DSC visit every weekend and until I had my DS (6 months) I meal planned and cooked pretty much every night, including the nights his kids stayed. Once DS was born I asked that he take on meal planning, shopping and cooking the nights DSC are here. We shop online, in practise this means I still do the bulk of planning and shopping and he has the login and can add whatever he wants or needs for the weekend. The shop comes the same day every week and the cut off for editing is the same every bloody week. For 6 months I have had to remind him that a) his kids need feeding and b) to add stuff to the shop. This isn't just one reminder, I'm usually texting him right up to the cut off time and as he doesn't like the website he usually asks me to add his items.

So last week I reminded him as per usual and he asks me to add a couple of snacky bits and some wine. Nothing for the DSC meals. I decided not to highlight this and let him deal with the fallout. Lo and behold the weekend comes, he asks me what's for dinner (ffs) and I remind him it's his responsibility at the weekend and he didn't order anything. He was super pissed off that he had to go to the supermarket and said we were meant to be a team Hmm. I said I'm not reminding him anymore, he needs to be organised enough to sort it himself.

This week, nothing added. Oh well, no dinner sorted for the weekend again but I'm fucking fuming. He will say he was working away but he wasn't working in middle of nowhere, there's evidently wifi as he's found time to game on his laptop in the hotel room.

This is all incredibly petty and at the end if the day the DSC miss out. I HAVE meals I could cook this weekend but how is he going to learn to take some responsibility? This has the mental load written all over it and I want him to see that he is relying on me to do all my jobs and remember to remind him to do his.

So AIBU? And if not, I need some bullet points on how to convey this to him in a calm, non argumentative way. I'm on mat leave at the moment but this is the tip of the iceberg and just one example when it comes to division of labour and I can't see things changing when I go back I work (especially as things were no different when I was actually at work).

OP posts:
13bastards · 07/09/2017 20:17

YANBU

My DSC would be starving and naked if it wasn't for me though as DH seems to have no knowledge that teenagers grow a lot and eat a lot.

I've traded these jobs for hoovering and cleaning cat trays though Grin

WineAndTiramisu · 07/09/2017 20:34

YADNBU. If he can remember stuff at work, he can remember to put food on a bloody online shopping list!

NoProblemForMe · 07/09/2017 20:36

Personally I think it would be good for the children to see that Daddy also takes care of their needs, not just Mum/Stepmum.

There's lots of very basic meals he can prepare with help from the children e.g. ready made pizza bases + toppings of their choice, a simple pasta dish with sauce from a jar (oh the MN horror!). It doesn't have to be the woman who's stuck in the kitchen while Disney Dad has fun with the kids (as a poster suggested near the start of the thread).

If he's going to continue being an arse about it though then I'd get another agreement of workload sharing off him - and hope he sticks to his word this time.

maxthemartian · 07/09/2017 20:41

YANBU. The 1950s crowd however are.

Lazy2Hazy · 07/09/2017 20:42

YABU...seems like you want the drama imo

allegretto · 07/09/2017 20:44

Yanbu. Planning and buying the ingredients is the most onerous part of providing the meal.

Original poster
blackjacker · 07/09/2017 21:08

Ok, to those who say I'm BU, why shouldn't he take some responsibility for his children? ALL of his children as he's meant to be cooking for our joint DS as well now he's on solids.

I do huge amounts for the DSC, and still do. I do pretty much all the housework and household admin because, as someone said, we should play to our strengths and I am better at it. But ffs, I wasn't born better at it! My Y chromosome doesn't make me an inherently better meal planner and cook! I thought that some of the labour should be redistributed so it was fairer, and it made sense for him to cook at the weekend because he was home during the day btw.

But some of he comments on here are shocking. 'Give him another job, 'he doesn't want to do it', 'you get in he kitchen and let him spend time with his kids'. My job is not to do all the drudge so that he can play on the Xbox with them all day, isn't being a father about parenting them? I'm also not the house manager, and he's not my subordinate to whom I dole out jobs reminding him to do them, although sadly, that is the dynamic we have and even more sadly the dynamic some posters feel we SHOULD have.

So I cook the DSCs meals and clean and the rest, their mum does he same at her end, plus takes them to school, does homework, buys uniform. What job do you suggest I allocate to him with regard parenting?

OP posts:
MsRight · 07/09/2017 21:17

It's the way you've divided it up though which makes it seem unfair ie you do the meal planning and online shopping, everything except the food for his children which he is supposed to add.

thestamp · 07/09/2017 21:21

Yanbu

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 07/09/2017 21:21

It seems a bit petty to me that you are not currently working yet still refuse to place a full shopping order unless he contributes - even when he is working away.
Do you resent his kids or the time he spends with them? Surely it wouldn't be too arduous to add a few items to the order and he'll have to make do with whatever you happened to choose.

Original poster
blackjacker · 07/09/2017 21:24

As I said, I suggested he plan food for the weekend because he's not at work and has more time to cook. So he doesn't cook at the weekend because it's not fair he cook for his kids (really?) and he doesn't cook during the week because he doesn't have time? Which leads us back to I do all the cooking and planning and everything else

Are people, also forgetting that I have spent 6 months after him agreeing to this arrangement either reminding him to do it or doing it myself? I totally take on board that the arrangement isn't working and perhaps we should rethink, but the suggestion seems to be that it's too hard for him to plan two meals, write a list and add them to he shop. So poor DP should be given an easier job.

OP posts:
Purplemac · 07/09/2017 21:29

OP I am with you in that he should take responsibility for his kids. I'm a stepmum and I do an awful lot for DSD, including turning down an amazing promotion because I would no longer be able to pick her up from school twice a week, but there are certain things that I insist are my DHs responsibility - ironing school uniform for example.

I'm not arguing against what you are saying, I just think that splitting that one particular chore is a faff. It's easier and more clean cut if one person organises the food shopping. Which is why I suggested taking over it co.pletely and asking him to cook an extra night so it's still a split. Alternatively rather than getting him to log on and add stuff, ask him whilst you are doing it - "right what are you cooking for the kids this weekend so I can add it to the shopping?". I'm

I do sympathise, honestly, because ice been there! I just find it easier to do one chore each rather than two halves of a different chore each.

Original poster
blackjacker · 07/09/2017 21:30

No I don't resent his kids, or the time spent with them. I do resent the suggestion that DP planning and cooking them two meals significantly affects the time they spend together. Surely, SURELY the children should see us both sharing these mundane tasks?

OP posts:
ButteredScone · 07/09/2017 21:30

YANBU

He thinks shopping and cooking are women's work.

I do agree that you should take DSC angle out of it. So they should be nothing to do with the whole discussion.

Do one week you do shopping and cooking and planning, one week he does it. Regardless of DSC. And stop enabling with the 'he doesn't like the website' stuff. His week he can shop and cook however he likes.

Original poster
blackjacker · 07/09/2017 21:33

Purplemac I get what you're saying, you're right that it's a clunky way to divide the task. And for the record, I know it's petty - I said so in the OP!

OP posts:
motherinferior · 07/09/2017 21:34

I don't think it's petty. Most people don't madly like the idea of

motherinferior · 07/09/2017 21:34

I don't think it's petty. Most people don't madly like the idea of doing all the cooking. Gets v wearing.

Purplemac · 07/09/2017 21:34

I do resent the suggestion that DP planning and cooking them two meals significantly affects the time they spend together

With you on this as well OP. MN likes to bash men being "disney dads" who only do fun stuff with their kids but then suggest you cook so that he can spend time with them? You're not asking for a 5 course meal. But children can spare half an hour a day away from their dad whilst he cooks their dinner.

PuffinNose · 07/09/2017 21:39

It seems a bit daft tbh.
I get the mental load stuff (although I hate that phrase) and I get the frustration but you're doing half the job anyway and it seems to be causing you more aggro than just doing it all.
I tend to do meal plans/online shopping as it's just easier. If husband contributes, fab but if he doesn't, then I've made it clear he doesn't get to moan. I'm not havung to chase him or mess about and am therefore actually reducing said mental load by just getting it done.
I can whinge about the unfairness but there really are more important battles to me and it just ends up with the same result but with me cross.
Is this really a sticking point for you? I don't mean that patronusingly, I just mean that if you take a step back is this actually really important to you or have you just got in a bit of a "it's the principle" mindset or that it is jyst a symptom of a list of hoisehold stuff?

QuiteLikely5 · 07/09/2017 21:46

Asking him to go and add to the online trolley though?

Fgs it's a task for one person surely?

IMO this would take you a nano second to do.

Seems to me like resentment is festering and the issue is something else but little niggles become a smoke screen for the real issues!

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 07/09/2017 21:47

Divvy up the jobs yes - but both doing bits of the same job leads to this!

Original poster
blackjacker · 07/09/2017 21:48

PuffinNose yes, its a sticking point because at various times in the relationship we've had chats about dividing the labour more fairly and he's always agreed but nothing changes. I got pregnant and said, seriously, you need to pull your weight (dripfeed but I was v poorly during pregnancy and immediately after the birth) while he started off ok, it tailed off again until we were back to square one. So when people are saying choose your battles, I guess this is the battle I've chosen and I'm being stubborn about it because if I let it go I'm doing everything plus the baby, plus the step kids and when I go back to work its more of the same.

I know I'm being defensive about this but I guess I'm at the end of my tether. I just wish DP would do the one fucking thing he said he would do.

OP posts:
Spidergirl999 · 07/09/2017 21:48

I don't think YABU to request more help since you've had a baby but YABU in the way you've asked for it.

Suddenly you're not going to include his children in the weekly shop which you do anyway Confused. Poor kids.

FYI we live in a blended family and I'd NEVER single the half or step siblings out.

Original poster
blackjacker · 07/09/2017 21:49

Quitelikely you're right, it's the straw that broke the camels back!

OP posts:
Original poster
blackjacker · 07/09/2017 21:53

Spidergirl not suddenly, we discussed it, he agreed to it and 6 months later he's still not doing it. This is NOT about which of us feeds the kids.

Just out of interest, if I'd said I have two older DC instead of DSC would that change things? So, I have two older kids and a baby. I've cooked for all of us everyday up to now but would like DP to cook at the weekend, AIBU?

OP posts: