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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DP and online shopping

244 replies

blackjacker · 07/09/2017 18:20

So I'm pretty sure on the whole I'm not BU but there are a couple of aspects that are possibly U.

My DSC visit every weekend and until I had my DS (6 months) I meal planned and cooked pretty much every night, including the nights his kids stayed. Once DS was born I asked that he take on meal planning, shopping and cooking the nights DSC are here. We shop online, in practise this means I still do the bulk of planning and shopping and he has the login and can add whatever he wants or needs for the weekend. The shop comes the same day every week and the cut off for editing is the same every bloody week. For 6 months I have had to remind him that a) his kids need feeding and b) to add stuff to the shop. This isn't just one reminder, I'm usually texting him right up to the cut off time and as he doesn't like the website he usually asks me to add his items.

So last week I reminded him as per usual and he asks me to add a couple of snacky bits and some wine. Nothing for the DSC meals. I decided not to highlight this and let him deal with the fallout. Lo and behold the weekend comes, he asks me what's for dinner (ffs) and I remind him it's his responsibility at the weekend and he didn't order anything. He was super pissed off that he had to go to the supermarket and said we were meant to be a team Hmm. I said I'm not reminding him anymore, he needs to be organised enough to sort it himself.

This week, nothing added. Oh well, no dinner sorted for the weekend again but I'm fucking fuming. He will say he was working away but he wasn't working in middle of nowhere, there's evidently wifi as he's found time to game on his laptop in the hotel room.

This is all incredibly petty and at the end if the day the DSC miss out. I HAVE meals I could cook this weekend but how is he going to learn to take some responsibility? This has the mental load written all over it and I want him to see that he is relying on me to do all my jobs and remember to remind him to do his.

So AIBU? And if not, I need some bullet points on how to convey this to him in a calm, non argumentative way. I'm on mat leave at the moment but this is the tip of the iceberg and just one example when it comes to division of labour and I can't see things changing when I go back I work (especially as things were no different when I was actually at work).

OP posts:
Ilovetolurk · 08/09/2017 05:45

Perhaps OP you can explain why you ordering food for the weekend precludes him from cooking it? It cannot take more than 2 mins to add a few pizzas say to your cart and it takes no time if said pizzas are already in your favourites

I agree with other posters who say pick your battles. This one creates additional stress every week for you

Maybe your DH is also getting entrenched and passive aggressively "forgetting".

I would find something else for him to take responsibility for

For you 🛒

catiinbo0ts · 08/09/2017 05:56

Lol @ Y chromosome Grin

Daydreamerbynight · 08/09/2017 06:17

Lol. Only on Mumsnet would someone equate asking a man to cook for his DC as harbouring resentent for the DSC.

Daydreamerbynight · 08/09/2017 06:24

I can't see anywhere at all where the OP sounds like 'hard work' or '2'. Hmm

Gooseberrytart4 · 08/09/2017 06:24

Love talk. Maybe the DP wants to cook a proper meal? It's probably best he decides what he wants to cook and what ingredients to use. Not sure why it can't be a shared task clearly divided.

AJPTaylor · 08/09/2017 06:28

Never give someone half a job
Its inefficient and doesnt work
And you are point scoring about his kids
My dh does all the laundry for all of us. Washing and putting away cos i hate it.
I do the food
If he is not doing enough adk him to do more
If you resent the impact his kids have on you and bsby prince own that feeling and get over it.

Daydreamerbynight · 08/09/2017 06:31

'Find something else for him to take responsibility for'

Yes, because getting out of doing things you don't want to do by not doing them creates responsibility.

eddielizzard · 08/09/2017 06:32

yanbu

keep at it. he knows his responsibility is to cook on weekends so leave him to it. he'll work it out eventually. i'd change one thing: don't expect him to add to your food order. i'd tell him:

'dp, since you're responsible for the weekend dsc meals, i'll leave the shopping for it to you too, since you know what you're going to cook. you know the login to the weekly food shop, right?'

job done. of course it isn't because he won't do anything at first, as you've seen. but week after week of this i tell the kids will get pretty good at reminding him. if they ask you, you say 'dad's sorting that out today'.

you're going about it absolutely right. just keep going. tough i know. sharing the mental load is never easy. after 12 years my dh is getting a small idea of the crushing scale of it.

Daydreamerbynight · 08/09/2017 06:32

Ah, see! Not cooking =resentment Grin

BusyBeez99 · 08/09/2017 06:34

This is all a bit odd. Just do the online shop for all the food you need as a FAMILY which includes your step children. Why would you shop for food for them before but not now. Poor kids

YABU

Daydreamerbynight · 08/09/2017 06:35

Poor kids knowing that there dad can't be bothered to shop for them.

Mary1935 · 08/09/2017 06:37

Yes I really see your points - he's lazy at home - believes it's "wife work"'- stop cooking for him in the week - he can go out to the supermarket with his kids at the weekend to buy food. Does he do anything at home? Good luck.

SilverBirchTree · 08/09/2017 06:43

I can't believe all the people saying OP is unreasonable. What a load of sexist crap. He fails to plan & cook his 2 meals a week as agreed and somehow it is his wife's fault when there is no dinner?

I think the fact that they are step children is a red herring. Ignore that and look at the distribution of work overall. DP is just expecting that OP will do all the menial work that he is apparently too important to do.

TwoShades1 · 08/09/2017 06:49

I'm a step with a slightly similar set up. Except I go to the supermarket with a physical list. I menu plan on Tuesdays and put the list on the fridge where is stays til Thursday when I shop. DP is reminded to add anything he needs/wants for his kids to the list (pen is next to list). I remind him. He rarely manages it and then has to go to the supermarket himself on Friday or Saturday. I think ur completely reasonable and he needs to get his act together like a proper adult.

Original poster
blackjacker · 08/09/2017 06:51

Just to be clear, as I can see I wasn't before. I'm not refusing to get the DSC food. I still cook dinner for them on Friday night, have food in for their breakfast, lunches, and any snacks. DP is to plan and cook two meals not just for him and the DSC, but for all of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
blackjacker · 08/09/2017 06:52

twoshades thanks, maybe a physical list on the fridge would work better (although I can see it hasn't fit you!)

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 08/09/2017 06:52

Also I take issue with people saying OP is being petty. OP has given an example of a wider labour gap in her relationship. Every household/care giving task taken on its own may seem petty to argue about rather than just do yourself. But the accumulative effect of these many household and care giving tasks falling to women is extremely detrimental to women.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 08/09/2017 06:56

Why can't the two meals just be planned and shopped for along with the rest, but he cook them? (I assume you'll clear up afterwards, that's the way it works in our house). Totally disagree that OP should be cooking while the DSC are there to allow her DH time with them. It doesn't sound like she gets to spend time being Disney Mum to her bio DS while his dad runs around after them.

Stellato · 08/09/2017 06:58

If he doesn't want to use online shopping then he needs to pop into a supermarket and buy enough for two meals. It's hardly climbing Everest.

OP if this is the line you've drawn then draw it. Back away from it, don't try to fix it for him. He's a competent adult, he will manage.

motherinferior · 08/09/2017 07:00

PMSL at the idea that an adult man might find getting a few meals on the table such a difficult learning curve he had to ease into it gently.

We have an online shopping list open at the moment. It's not perfect but it works a damn sight better than me telling DP what I plan to cook and asking him to put it on.

Frouby · 08/09/2017 07:05

OP yanbu.

I would take back the meal planning and ordering for the 2 evening meals. Ask him just before you order what he wants to cook. He won't be bothered and wont be arses to think of something. You then get to meal plan.

So order faffy, awkward meals. Ones with lots of prep. No pre packed veg or salad. All stuff he has to wash, peel, chop. No ready made pizzas, he can bond with his dcs making dough and chopping stuff up. No chicken nuggets, a nice roast chicken with all the extras.

When he complains smile sweetly and suggest he meal plans and orders.

I don't mind cooking. I don't particularly mind shopping for ingredients. What really gets on my wick is meal planning. Then the 'oh, chicken. Didn't fancy chicken'. But every week I ask for ideas and I get the same response from dp and dd. 'Whatever you fancy'.

Dp cooks on a Saturday. We usually go Saturday morning for the stuff but I take no responsibility for choosing. Because it's nice to be meal planned and cooked for occasionally. Occasionally I go friday morning if we are busy but he has to tell me what to buy.

SilverBirchTree · 08/09/2017 07:05

Exactly, can't believe all these PPs lining up to make excuses for a man who refuses to be a functional adult just because there is a woman in the wings to pick up his slack.

Mirrorballfrog · 08/09/2017 07:11

Wow. Can't believe these responses. Of course yanbu.

I love all the people who are like "you're on maternity leave, you have more time bla bla".

Now I'm back at work I have infinitely more time and headspace than I ever did on mat leave!

Daydreamerbynight · 08/09/2017 07:13

JenniferYellowHat

Why would you assume the OP would clear up because that's how your household does it? Why even mention that? Do you think that if the poor DH has to exert himself by cooking two nights a, the OP has to do everything else in gratitude?

You are also absolutely unbelievable for calling her a Disney Mum.

Daydreamerbynight · 08/09/2017 07:16

I apologise for the second line of my post JenniferYellowHat, I see I read what you were saying about being a Disney Mum was incorrectly.