Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DP and online shopping

244 replies

blackjacker · 07/09/2017 18:20

So I'm pretty sure on the whole I'm not BU but there are a couple of aspects that are possibly U.

My DSC visit every weekend and until I had my DS (6 months) I meal planned and cooked pretty much every night, including the nights his kids stayed. Once DS was born I asked that he take on meal planning, shopping and cooking the nights DSC are here. We shop online, in practise this means I still do the bulk of planning and shopping and he has the login and can add whatever he wants or needs for the weekend. The shop comes the same day every week and the cut off for editing is the same every bloody week. For 6 months I have had to remind him that a) his kids need feeding and b) to add stuff to the shop. This isn't just one reminder, I'm usually texting him right up to the cut off time and as he doesn't like the website he usually asks me to add his items.

So last week I reminded him as per usual and he asks me to add a couple of snacky bits and some wine. Nothing for the DSC meals. I decided not to highlight this and let him deal with the fallout. Lo and behold the weekend comes, he asks me what's for dinner (ffs) and I remind him it's his responsibility at the weekend and he didn't order anything. He was super pissed off that he had to go to the supermarket and said we were meant to be a team Hmm. I said I'm not reminding him anymore, he needs to be organised enough to sort it himself.

This week, nothing added. Oh well, no dinner sorted for the weekend again but I'm fucking fuming. He will say he was working away but he wasn't working in middle of nowhere, there's evidently wifi as he's found time to game on his laptop in the hotel room.

This is all incredibly petty and at the end if the day the DSC miss out. I HAVE meals I could cook this weekend but how is he going to learn to take some responsibility? This has the mental load written all over it and I want him to see that he is relying on me to do all my jobs and remember to remind him to do his.

So AIBU? And if not, I need some bullet points on how to convey this to him in a calm, non argumentative way. I'm on mat leave at the moment but this is the tip of the iceberg and just one example when it comes to division of labour and I can't see things changing when I go back I work (especially as things were no different when I was actually at work).

OP posts:
motherinferior · 08/09/2017 10:43

Does he dislike his own children so much he's not prepared to make sure they don't go hungry?

Aderyn17 · 08/09/2017 10:47

Hang on world. She is asking him to shop for and cook 2 dinners - how is she not sharing the load? Why should her load include all the planning and shopping and cooking?

expatinscotland · 08/09/2017 10:48

So doing all the cooking and cleaning for 7 people isn't wanting to 'share the load'? Wow.

Aderyn17 · 08/09/2017 10:49

Time we as a society stopped indulging this disney dad bollocks

lljkk · 08/09/2017 10:49

"Why don't you order the shopping for everyone and he cooks it at the weekend?"

Why should she?!

Might be progress, or better than moaning on MN, anyway. The current situation isn't working & hasn't worked for all 6 months they tried it. I doubt he's going to suddenly get hang of system just b/c of a MN thread.

Gosh, no wonder we don't meal-plan. Seems to be very stressful.

Justanothernameonthepage · 08/09/2017 10:50

YANBU.
But maybe ask him to write out a list of 21 meals and ingredients and you'll order bits that are needed unless he says otherwise.
His kids should know that grown men are capable of carrying out basic care for their children. He should be wanting to make your life easier.

But the fact he doesn't want to take care of his kids basic needs or help his wife when she's made it clear she needs help, would make him a lot less attractive to me.

Aworldofmyown · 08/09/2017 10:57

I didn't say she should do it all, i'm saying maybe they should sit down together and work out how they should share the load.

Clearly this isn't working because the OP is at the end of her tether.

Or just stop doing his washing (I assume you are doing his washing as you said your doing most of the housework) until he gets the message Grin

Iggi999 · 08/09/2017 11:06

He doesn't want to share the load. He wants his partner to suck it up as she has a vagina. That's it really.
If I ever think we don't need feminism anymore I will reread a thread like this.

Iggi999 · 08/09/2017 11:07

He doesn't want to share the load. He wants his partner to suck it up as she has a vagina. That's it really.
If I ever think we don't need feminism anymore I will reread a thread like this.

SilverBirchTree · 08/09/2017 11:10

He doesn't want to share the load. He wants his partner to suck it up as she has a vagina. That's it really.
If I ever think we don't need feminism anymore I will reread a thread like this.

^ 100%

This thread has depressed me to no end. We have a long way to go.

MaryMcCarthy · 08/09/2017 11:13

Whatever the reality, this appears childish and petty and even worse it's making a clear distinction between his kids and yours, to the extent that his kids will feel less welcome.

Why not just ask him what meals he's planning and add the items to the shopping list when you do it? It would take about 30 seconds, a would save whole load of hassle and ridiculous assertions from Mumsnet about toxic sexism.

MaryMcCarthy · 08/09/2017 11:16

I'll go a step further and say ordering the food knowing you'd be short of meals is calculated, passive aggressive and vindictive as fuck.

What's happened to communication these days? Seemingly people would rather put their time and effort into a detailed mumsnet thread than actually talk and resolve issues.

lljkk · 08/09/2017 11:17

2bf, MaryMc: I think OP does ask. But doesn't get an answer.

Folk can project all the societal inequities they want on this situation. I don't know if that helps OP, though. There's no reason why the bloke couldn't do all the meal planning, really, but I think OP likes being in control & wouldn't like his mistakes, so that strategy wouldn't suit her either.

SilverBirchTree · 08/09/2017 11:20

What in anything OP has said gives the impression she is controlling about meals? She has repeatedly asked DP to take over weekend meals, as agreed. She hasn't complained once about his execution of the task, just his failure to do it at all & him blaming her when it didn't get done.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 08/09/2017 11:22

I totally get your annoyance over it, my dp does pretty much nothing at home. And when I ask for some help I get told I'm nagging. We have a young baby, I'm on mat leave, but dp can't even argue that I should do it because I'm at home because I was doing it whilst working double shift while heavily pregnant. I told dp it had to change and it did for about a week. It makes me so angry and resentful. Dp works an 8 hour shift and comes home, moans about being tired and doesn't ask if I need a break or anything. Bloody lazy.

SilverBirchTree · 08/09/2017 11:23

Mary, I'd agree with you except she's been covering for him, reminding him, asking him for months! She has communicated plenty, he has taken advantage of her by not doing what he undertook to do. If she keeps picking up his slack (ie planning and shopping for food for him) then nothing will change.

motherinferior · 08/09/2017 11:23

It's really simple:
This bloke has to remember to sort out dinner for a few nights a week. A task which is not beyond the capabilities of most people. I do it. You do it. Plenty of people do it. Including a lot of fathers.

He is refusing to do it because, er...he doesn't feel like it.

And this is the OP's problem? His kids are going without dinner and she is the petty one?

motherinferior · 08/09/2017 11:24

Expecting your partner to pick up the slack when you can't be arsed to cook for your own three kids is passive-aggressive and plain nasty.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/09/2017 11:27

All those saying it takes seconds so why shouldn't she just do it - does it magically take longer if he does it then? Or are HIS seconds more important than her seconds?

SilverBirchTree · 08/09/2017 11:30

TheGoodEnough Exactly

sushiwushi · 08/09/2017 11:35

They are his children, it is his responsibility to ensure they are fed. YANBU.

motherinferior · 08/09/2017 11:35

Essentially a hell of a lot of posters are just saying WOMAN! KNOW YOUR PLACE!

expatinscotland · 08/09/2017 11:39

Why on Earth do you stay with someone who doesn't pull his weight in life, slap, much less procreate with him? I've moved in with guys who then thought they'd bought a domestic appliance they could screw and we promptly split up.

haveacupoftea · 08/09/2017 11:40

You do the online shopping one week, he can do it the next. I fail to see why you can't just add in a bag of chicken nuggets or whatever the kids eat for the weekend anyway. It's a few clicks of a mouse.

Iggi999 · 08/09/2017 11:44

It is nice to see that not everyone believes this is a woman's job. The problem with telling a partner that "this has to change" is that you need an "or..." to follow it. Change or you'll leave, change or your clothes won't be washed, change or I'll lose all respect for you.
It is hard to follow through with this, as I know all to well myself.