To contact SS and have them take my DD?

[PeppaPigObsession]

DD is 2, I love her more than life itself. I'd do absolutely anything for her and to protect her. This is not another "I have no bond with my child" thread because I know I do and this is why I am in tears writing this. I do everything I can for her, read to her and sing to her, and we chat and play and even enjoy a bit of TV. We go to the park and she loves Nursery.

For those who haven't read my previous threads. My Husband left us on 26th June. H has and did have his own health issues that meant he couldn't or didn't want to properly bond with DD, he also had anger issues. (Thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2964156-DH-wants-to-leave there's also another thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2974133-To-think-Ive-messed-up-badly.

Like I said, I love DD but I am really struggling. I have depression and am already on antidepressants, but am still struggling.

For the last few days I can't keep on top of the housework, I'm too tired from appointments and nursery runs and keeping up with the sheer amount of paperwork that having a child with so many issues produces, i just can't keep on top of it.

The washing up needs doing, the cat tray needs emptying and refilling with fresh litter, DDs toys need putting away, her clothes need taking off the airer and put away, and the washing machine needs emptying and put up on the airer to dry, her uniform for Nursery needs washing, all the rooms need hoovering, the floors in the bathroom and kitchen need sweeping and mopping, the recycling needs to be taken to the blue recycling bin outside, the bathroom needs cleaning - I've been cleaning the toilet every few days, but the bath and sink need a spray and clean, old bottle need throwing out and the bin in there needs emptying, DDs bed sheets need washing - she only has a sheet and a pillow with a case as she uses her favourite blanket at night, my bed sheets need doing (full king size set) and they will need to be taken to the laundrette as I have a small spacer saver washer which won't fit my sheets in, the grass in the front garden needs a mow. I need to go to Aldi for DDs nappies as I only have half a pack left and i need to do the weekly food shop. And DDs not in nursery today.

I just can't cope. I want to scream or cry or something. I just can't cope anymore with it. DD doesn't sleep at night very well, waking up every few hours so I'm on my knees with exhaustion. I am sick of her whinging because she can't do something or her toys stuck of the cats sad on her favourite elephant teddy. I'm sick of having everyone in and out of my house judging and probably laughing about how I can't cope.

My DM told me a few weeks ago I need to woman up and deal with it because this is my life now so I haven't spoken to her since. Ex-MIL has DD for 4 hours once a fortnight, but wants to cut it down to 2 hours as she says she needs "a life" now both her kids have moved out. Husband has disappeared after the parents of a friend he was stayed with kicked him out, and as he's quit his job and not claiming benefits, and he doesn't want contact with DD.

She deserves better than a family who don't want her, a mother who can't cope and a cluttered home. She should be living in a family home with two parents who love her and want her and can cope, who can drive so she doesn't need to be on public transport for appointments.

DD is napping right now and all I want to do is cry and call SS and tell them to take her somewhere where she'll be properly cared for - I mean we had a takeaway for the 2nd time in a fortnight last night, how is that ok?

I know I should be grateful to have her as some women can't have children. But I know as soon as I get the house under control again it'll get bad because I get busy with appointments and phonecalls to various departments, so it'll be bad again soon.

So WIBU to ring SS right now and tell them I can't cope with my 2 year old and to have them take her away?

Please pop back op.
If you're local I'd love to help you.
I had mh issues that fluctuate and when it's bad I feel exactly as you've described. You don't want your little one taken away, you need lots of support. You feel overwhelmed and can't see any other way, you feel like your little one deserves more and someone else can provide it. That's actually not true. Your little needs you well, and that can take some doing, but it is possible.
So prioritise. Cat litter needs sorting. It's stinky and unhygienic. Washing out of the machine- it'll mouldy otherwise. I did mine 5times this last week before it finally came out 🙄🙄 couldn't motivate myself to do it. Have a cup of tea in between the jobs. Believe it or not, doing those jobs will motivate you to do more. Kids toys can wait.
Come back, please. We can and will be here to hold your hand through this. Inbox me if you want to talk

jjbutt you are very wrong I'm afraid . Ss are not just there to protect abused children they are also here to offer support to families . It can be for a plethora of different reasons but to suggest ss are only there for abused children is utterly ridiculous and outstandingly wrong !

Hope you are still reading op and feel supported.
You don't need to be be perfect
Aim for good enough.

Oh and I know a lot of people who have a takeaway or eat out once a week just because they fancy it.
We don't have takeaway a lot but do have beans/egg on toast, jacket potatoes, soup and crusty bread, pasta with pesto etc regularly which take minutes to cook.
Be kind to yourself. You're setting yourself standards that people would struggle to meet when feeling their best!
I also second Homestart. They're a lovely none judgemental activity and a volunteer would think nothing of rolling up their sleeves and washing your dishes or reading to your dd while you do them.

*charity not activity

I couldn't just read and run. You need some support as you clearly love your daughter and that is so important. I don't know but I think SS will come along side you and help you, maybe the HV is also a good call. I have been there with the overwhelming feeling that I just can't and will never be on top of everything. A few years later, I'm still not on top of everything but can manage it! please ask for some help and he kind to yourself. It sounds like you've had a rough time and need some tlc.

You're doing a great job sleep deprivation is the hardest thing in the world it makes everything else shit or seem shit. 2 takeaways quite normal I grabbed pizza for me and kids when I just couldn't face cooking and cleaning up, I had more time to snuggle watching tv with my lo. Kids don't care what the house looks like, I've just done the jobs I can without baby whose 1 whilst 3 year old iPads. Can you do extra nursery that's when I do washing ironing etc as it's too dangerous. You're doing great mum!

Btw I was a social worker child protection, you don't meet removal thresholds but they can or health visitor can refer you to homestart they can really help give support :)

Two takeaways in a fortnight?

Who cares?

I've been so bad I've had two in a day and I still don't class that as particularly negligent!

You've had loads of sensible advice on here - sounds like you need support but that your daughter is definitely best off staying with you.
I just wanted to say not to beat yourself up about public transport to hospital appointments - I can drive and really appreciate that I have the luxury to choose so I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way but I choose to take my 3 year old on two buses there and back to our hospital appointments because parking there is so stressful (and expensive)... I realise that depending on your daughter's needs public transport might have specific difficulties but in itself getting on public transport is not an issue.

I hate housework and have found it overwhelming at times and would echo the advice to just do one thing. Also I find putting music on while I do it really helps.

OP, it sounds like you're really struggling, but I promise - the important thing is your DD loves you and needs you. If another mother confided in me that she was having difficulty I'd gladly offer to take her child for a playdate so she could catch up on sleep/get ahead on admin or whatever. Is this an option for you?

OP you are doing great - it's not easy being a single parent, especially with no support. My DD is now 9 but I split with her dad when she was 4, which would have been hard enough if we weren't also living in Spain at the time, had no family in the same country, I had to move to a smaller flat and had just started a new job so I had no support at all.

It was hard, every day was a fucking struggle for a while and your list was exactly the same as mine although the one thing I made sure to keep on top of was my anxiety & depression medication. I had to learn to make do rather than make perfect. So as long as everyone was washed, dressed, fed and happy then that was enough and anything extra was a bonus.

Washing got done when I got round to it (occasionally two or three times depending on how much energy I had to actually take it out and hang it up on any given day) and priority was given to uniforms or anything needed worst case scenario I had to buy emergency pants and socks when I went to the supermarket everything else could just build up in a pile ... clean and dry washing came off the airer and folded into a washing basket. Occasionally it would make it into the wardrobe but if not then I just dressed out of the clean clothes.

Cleaning got done to keep the place hygienic and anything else was done as and when I had chance - so spills get cleaned up but if there's a few crumbs on the side or floor then it's not the end of the world as a short term thing. Eating takeaway for a few days actually helped me as I didn't have to use the kitchen for anything except utensils so it gave me a chance to get back on top of it. The bathroom got a surface clean every day and cleaning wipes are a godsend for that - take a wipe, take my toothbrush and whilst I brushed my teeth I'd run the wipe over the surfaces, rinse off my toothbrush, give the sink a last once over then the toothbrush goes back in its holder and the wipe goes in the bin. A bit of bleach in the loo on the way up to bed and left overnight saves having to clean it (unless it's really bad) and a block in the cistern keeps it generally clean.

Do you have more than one set of sheets each? I have 3 sets each for DD and I so that I can have one on the bed, one in the wash and a spare one in the cupboard at any given time. That means if I can't get the dirty sheets in the wash straight away then I still have a set to go on the bed and a spare one in case of accidents etc and there's no need to stress over getting the bed stripped/washed/remade in a day.

The grass is not going to do any harm if it's not cut for a few weeks days so leave that. Take DD to the supermarket and pick up your weekly shop, stop off at a playground and let her run around and tire her out, buy a ready meal or something for dinner tonight and just spend tonight setting yourself up a schedule of tasks for each day/week etc and just do a couple of things each day.

But that 'perfect' family a) won't be you and b) will have their own problems too. Everyone does

This is the problem. You dont know where she will go or into what other issues.

I agree you sound like a wonderful mum, even people with tons of family support and paid help moan about dc, I have relatives who can afford nannies, have lots of house staff ( over seas) and loving grandparents, who help out from time to time and they still find it hard.

I am sure most posters on this site have felt as run down as you feel from time to time I know I certainly have and have wondered if I have done the right thing by having a second dc.

You are of course in the eye of the storm now with your dd age. Its a tough age, they have no reason, no understanding of danger and yet want their own way, want to explore.

You are going to have to readjust how you feel about things so a take away, twice in a fortnight! I know a very middle class up to eyeballs in PHD and degrees, two small dc they have take away TWICE A WEEK .

For me - I would rather a child was being fed with a calmer happier mum takeaway , than a stressed on edge one frantically trying to chop up carrots and cucumber sticks.

You have to do whatever it takes to get through this tough period and that may mean more takeaways, more relaxed standards. Be kind to yourself. You sound like a wonderful parent you really do. No one is perfect.

OP you can tell from your post how much you love your daughter .And that counts more than your home being a show home. You sound overwhelmed but there is help out there. Social services may be able to offer you a family support worker and your GP would be good to go back and see .Please don't be hard on yourself .I had actually nasty accident that laid me low for a good while and the angiexty i had at the time made me feel so low so but I did get back to my normal outspoken me . You sound like a great mum who just needs some tlc and support to help you through a rough patch .

OP I have felt like you. I understand what is like to be completely overwhelmed at the idea of taking the clothes out of the washing machine. And at times I have felt my DS might be better off in a different family. It's all about coping strategies.

My way of coping with my obsessive standards is to limit them to tiny things I'm happy about. So the top shelf in my fridge is always clean (using the no residue dettol wipes) and any food we might eat raw goes up there. Piled on top of each other if necessary. Rest of fridge doesn't matter so much as long as there are no smelly spillages. My everyday cutlery drawer same. Things I only use sometimes are thrown into a different drawer and washed as needed. I honestly think people's cutlery drawers are manky but they probably think my whole house is a mess, which it is, a lot. Kitchen presses operated much the same way, 2 really clean tidy ones, one for food, one for dishes and saucepans, the rest are a jumble.

Big piles of built up laundry? Take out essential/needed in next few days items and put everything else in refuse sack in bottom of wardrobe/shed to be tackled when feeling better. Bed linen ignored until feeling better. Sometimes just sheet gets changed and duvet gets flipped over. Sometimes changing the pillowcase makes you feel better without creating piles of laundry. When I do change the whole bed and can't get to the washing of them they go in a refuse sack in the wardrobe too.

Cheap wipes are your bathroom friend. Bit of loo cleaner down the toilet and you're done.

Don't worry about the floors unless you're planning to eat off them.

If mess and untidiness drive you mad concentrate on just one room that's your tidy clean place. In my old house this used to be my room, since we've moved it's my DS's room. Escape there when the rest of the house is bothering you.

Litter tray - only put a small bit of litter in at a time so you can just scoop and cover with clean litter on bad days.

I don't iron. One shelf in airing cupboard that has folded stuff on it - one side mine, one side Ds's. Bottom shelf DH's. We all dress out of there when necessary. Top shelf things are thrown up there until I can deal with them.

Toys - 2 refuse sacks. Anything that needs wiping or washing into one and put it in the bottom of a wardrobe. Others just into the sack and stick behind the sofa or something.

I was once over in my friend's very clean tidy house while she was cooking lasagne. When I do this it's an event. She fried mince, onion and mushrooms and threw in a jar of sauce. Glass jar and metal lid went straight in the bin. Layers were put in dish and a jar of white sauce went on top with grated cheese from a pack. Second glass jar and lid into the bin. Whole thing took about 10-15 minutes. See I wash out everything and recycle or reuse and cook from scratch. Do I get a medal? No. Is my kitchen a mess? Yes. Does cooking from scratch take ages? Yes. Do I make things unnecessarily hard for myself? Yes. Is a lot of it being too hard on myself and self critical and having standards that are too high? Yes. So now if I am knackered and some packaging containers have built up without washing them out, they go in the bin instead. You can't do everything right all of the time.

I have another friend, a single Mum with 4 kids and her house is usually up in a heap and sometimes you have to find a mug to wash before you have a cuppa but she has the happiest, most confident, smiling kids I've ever seen in my life.

When you are feeling better yourself the housework won't bother you as much and won't feel like as big a deal or as hard to tackle.

Oh sweet pea you're being very hard on yourself. Where in the country are you? There must be some support services nearby.
If it makes you feel any better I once Googled "how do I have my child adopted" but those feelings passed...

Hugs .... xxxx

GP for additional help for you. I suspect if you call SS there will be help available to you to support you in caring for yourself and your daughter. It doesn't have to mean her being taken away. You're providing for her, you just need some help to get you through. Give them a try xx

Call your Health visitor for help and support, us there a children's center near by? Or there is a charity called home start