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AIBU?

To think I've messed up badly?

409 replies

PeppaPigObsession · 08/07/2017 09:45

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card Wink but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age Sad

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know Sad.

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

OP posts:
Summerswallow · 08/07/2017 09:53

I didn't want to read and run. I am not the right person to advise you on money, but I just wanted to say you sound on the ball and very sensible and I feel sure you will find a way to work this out. Perhaps get further advice on the nursery/childcare provision. Also, if you are stuck for money, use a food bank once a month, get your health visitor to refer you or just go along. Good luck!

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 08/07/2017 09:55

Oh op. I didn't want to read and run Flowers

I don't have much advice. This sounds really stressful and I wish I could do something to help.

Is there a citizens advice near you? Or family? Hopefully someone will be along with some other useful people to contact

I just wanted to say don't blame yourself. You're doing an amazing job. You sound a caring loving wonderful mum. This isn't your fault X

TeenAndTween · 08/07/2017 09:57

I don't know how to help, but it's not you who has messed up, it is your H. Could his parents help out at all given he has abdicated his responsibilities?

QuiteLikely5 · 08/07/2017 09:58

I think there is a discretionary fund you can apply to with regards to your rent. The council will award extra HB if your financial circs are extreme.

Consider applying to college - they offer free childcare and in the process you get to train for a career that will improve your job prospects

Ask your HV for support - they sometimes have vouchers for gas or supermarkets

Access food banks - again your HV can refer

DJBaggySmalls · 08/07/2017 09:59

No, you haven't messed up. Contact the Child Maintenance Service, its irrelevant if your partner doesnt want to pay, its not his choice.
He cant be living on thin air. He has an income.
I'd also talk to the Inland Revenue.

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/overview

PeppaPigObsession · 08/07/2017 10:02

DJBaggy He's living with a friend and his friends parents who think the sun shines out of his backside so have told him he can live with them for free.

OP posts:
Cocklodger · 08/07/2017 10:02

Aldi is way cheaper than morrisons even with a discount card ime.
Switch your shopping there.
Can you claim
Carers allowance? Flowers
Also, since it's just the 2 of you you may save loads on a meter.
My water bill with welsh water went down from 45 a month to 23 a month when I switched to a meter. Can you see if you can find a decent electric or gas company to switch to? Some offer incentives like gift vouchers or cards (some of which you could use to stock up on food) and you'd probably save a fair bit too.
Hope this helps Flowers

Cocklodger · 08/07/2017 10:05

Also, I don't know if you watch BBC but if you don't then cancel your tv license.
Sorry if unhelpful but some people like me seem to pay it out of habit even though they don't legally need one. I've been abroad for a few months now so it may have changed but you can read up online on if you need one or not and if not it's easy enough to declare online that you don't need it.

NotMyPenguin · 08/07/2017 10:05

You actually sound so impressive - not like somebody who's messed up, but like somebody who's really trying to get a grip on the situation. You sound practical, smart, realistic and sensitive to your DD's needs. It may be tough, but reading your post really makes me feel you will do a great job and come out the other side. I will have a think about anything practical that I can suggest.

Chillyegg · 08/07/2017 10:06

Can you get your self a very part time job?
I second the college idea? Could you slread her 15 free over a few mornings rather than 2 full days

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 08/07/2017 10:07

Have you applied for healthy start vouchers? That will give you an extra few pounds towards milk and fruit.

LIZS · 08/07/2017 10:07

Water sounds expensive, you can claim a discount on council tax if you pay it. Are there any charities related to your dds conditions? They may run toddler groups or have access to funding for activities to support her development. Also worth rechecking the dla ebtitlement.

PeppaPigObsession · 08/07/2017 10:08

Chillyegg No Nursery only allow you to use the free hours at certain times, I am looking for another Nursery for her but no luck yet due to her SEN.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 08/07/2017 10:08

I'm so sorry, OP.

Surely your DH has money to live; he should be supporting his child. I hope that can be pursued.

I have no other financial advice either, I'm afraid. My only thought is that perhaps one of your parents could intervene with your grandfather IF he can afford to keep helping. Perhaps a reminder that fairness isn't about giving allthe GC the same thing, it's about giving them what they need... but only if he can afford to do so comfortably. Your DD would greatly benefit from remaining in her two nursery places, but she can't do so without help. It's not your/her fault your partner showed himself to be so seflish that he's left you two in the lurch this way.

PeppaPigObsession · 08/07/2017 10:09

LIZS Thankfully my PILs gave us the money to pay the council tax at the beginning of April so that's paid until next year

OP posts:
MadisonMontgomery · 08/07/2017 10:09

Speak to your health visitor - they ought to be able to refer you to food banks & see if there is anything else you are entitled to. Speak to the council about housing benefit - there may be something they can do.

With regards to maintenance I would bang a claim in - your ex will presumably be claiming benefits? He must have some kind of income and he can't just stop supporting your child.

BigDamnHero · 08/07/2017 10:10

Have you considered appealing the DLA payments? From what you've written here, it sounds as though you should really be getting mid-rate rather than the lowest. Then, you'd be eligible for carer's allowance, as well.

NotMyPenguin · 08/07/2017 10:11

Make sure you've got your single person's discount on the council tax (if you pay it - not sure if it would be waived anyway in your case).

Would you consider going to a food bank? You may really struggle without doing this, looking at your costs.

Your water bill sounds very expensive. Mine is too. If you apply to have a water meter fitted (and you don't need your landlord's permission to do that) then your bill will likely decrease quite a lot. If for some reason they can't fit the meter, they put you on a better rate, so it's well worth doing.

PeppaPigObsession · 08/07/2017 10:12

Madison He's refusing to claim benefits, I'll speak to the CAB when I can get over there but I'm not hopeful they can make him.

Beware GF is my DMs dad and she's not happy that I get £30 a week when my brother doesn't so don't expect her to help

OP posts:
Pombearsandnaiceham · 08/07/2017 10:13

OPFlowers I didn't want to read and run either.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

From the weekly budget that you've posted in your OP, it looks like the biggest outgoings per week after rent are on utility bills.

I've had a look at the Citizens' Advice website www.citizensadvice.org.uk/consumer/energy/energy-supply/get-help-paying-your-bills/grants-and-benefits-to-help-you-pay-your-energy-bills/ and they've got contact details for a charity called the Energy Advice Service. They're open for calls today from 10am to 2pm (9p per minute from a landline) or they've got an email address too.

You sound like an absolutely amazing mum Flowers in terms of other options for your DD, do you have any neighbours who may be able to watch her for a couple of hours? Or any clubs near you that might offer free childcare? Whereabouts are you based if you don't mind me asking?

NewYearNewLife53 · 08/07/2017 10:13

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

With you being on those benefits, don't you have an nhs free prescriptions card?

I earn much more than you and am entitled to one. Ask the tax credits people.

NotMyPenguin · 08/07/2017 10:13

They should give a discount on the council tax if you've already paid the whole lot. It's 25% off.

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Dawnedlightly · 08/07/2017 10:16

You're an amazing mum. Flowers

thepatchworkcat · 08/07/2017 10:19

You sound brilliant and really organised. Don't beat yourself up.

Could you find a childminder that would let you use the funded hours without paying extra? Ours used to. They are supposed to follow the same early years curriculum as a nursery and it would get your DD out of the house and interacting with people.

Hitmonlee · 08/07/2017 10:20

Can I ask why you only get DLA at the lower rate? I know the care element is based on the amount of care needed in relation to a child of a similar age but are her care needs constant? I'd take a look at your award letter and if you don't agree then maybe consider an appeal.

Have you contacted the children's disability team at SS? If for example nursery helps with her development and the swimming helps with her hips they may be able to help you with hydrotherapy sessions and look at a place at a nursery more suited to her needs that offer don't fall under the funding rules.

It's hard having a child with additional needs but there are services out there which can help if you are prepared to fight for them. I'd start with your paediatric doctor to see if there are services you can be referred to.

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