To contact SS and have them take my DD?

[PeppaPigObsession]

DD is 2, I love her more than life itself. I'd do absolutely anything for her and to protect her. This is not another "I have no bond with my child" thread because I know I do and this is why I am in tears writing this. I do everything I can for her, read to her and sing to her, and we chat and play and even enjoy a bit of TV. We go to the park and she loves Nursery.

For those who haven't read my previous threads. My Husband left us on 26th June. H has and did have his own health issues that meant he couldn't or didn't want to properly bond with DD, he also had anger issues. (Thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2964156-DH-wants-to-leave there's also another thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2974133-To-think-Ive-messed-up-badly.

Like I said, I love DD but I am really struggling. I have depression and am already on antidepressants, but am still struggling.

For the last few days I can't keep on top of the housework, I'm too tired from appointments and nursery runs and keeping up with the sheer amount of paperwork that having a child with so many issues produces, i just can't keep on top of it.

The washing up needs doing, the cat tray needs emptying and refilling with fresh litter, DDs toys need putting away, her clothes need taking off the airer and put away, and the washing machine needs emptying and put up on the airer to dry, her uniform for Nursery needs washing, all the rooms need hoovering, the floors in the bathroom and kitchen need sweeping and mopping, the recycling needs to be taken to the blue recycling bin outside, the bathroom needs cleaning - I've been cleaning the toilet every few days, but the bath and sink need a spray and clean, old bottle need throwing out and the bin in there needs emptying, DDs bed sheets need washing - she only has a sheet and a pillow with a case as she uses her favourite blanket at night, my bed sheets need doing (full king size set) and they will need to be taken to the laundrette as I have a small spacer saver washer which won't fit my sheets in, the grass in the front garden needs a mow. I need to go to Aldi for DDs nappies as I only have half a pack left and i need to do the weekly food shop. And DDs not in nursery today.

I just can't cope. I want to scream or cry or something. I just can't cope anymore with it. DD doesn't sleep at night very well, waking up every few hours so I'm on my knees with exhaustion. I am sick of her whinging because she can't do something or her toys stuck of the cats sad on her favourite elephant teddy. I'm sick of having everyone in and out of my house judging and probably laughing about how I can't cope.

My DM told me a few weeks ago I need to woman up and deal with it because this is my life now so I haven't spoken to her since. Ex-MIL has DD for 4 hours once a fortnight, but wants to cut it down to 2 hours as she says she needs "a life" now both her kids have moved out. Husband has disappeared after the parents of a friend he was stayed with kicked him out, and as he's quit his job and not claiming benefits, and he doesn't want contact with DD.

She deserves better than a family who don't want her, a mother who can't cope and a cluttered home. She should be living in a family home with two parents who love her and want her and can cope, who can drive so she doesn't need to be on public transport for appointments.

DD is napping right now and all I want to do is cry and call SS and tell them to take her somewhere where she'll be properly cared for - I mean we had a takeaway for the 2nd time in a fortnight last night, how is that ok?

I know I should be grateful to have her as some women can't have children. But I know as soon as I get the house under control again it'll get bad because I get busy with appointments and phonecalls to various departments, so it'll be bad again soon.

So WIBU to ring SS right now and tell them I can't cope with my 2 year old and to have them take her away?

Nobody can love your precious daughter like you can, please don't give up. Do one little task at a time, take the recycling out and then make putting clothes away a game to play with your daughter. Things will start to feel brighter soon, keep going op

Agree with everyone else.

What you describe is perfectly fine and within the huge spectrum of "fine" / "normal" .

Problem is its not your normal or on any way okay for you. Which leaves you 2 choices - beat yourself up and be unhappy, stressed and as a result less capable of coping or - be kind to yourself. Tell yourself it's fine, it's just temporary, have a duvet day, go to the park, clean the litter tray, do the washing up then live on ready meals and takeaways for a week while you tackle the washing. Then gradually get back to your normal as you stabilise on your anti depressants (become less sleepy) and catch up on sleep (everything feels worse when you're over tired so if your body needs you to go to bed with dd to catch up, do it!).

Meanwhile access all the help you can and take care of you

Yes it's hard, it really is hard but honestly you've listed all those chores and in that time you probably could have done one or two things. Sometimes venting on the net is a massive distraction from life and we just have to put it away and face reality.

Your DD needs YOU. To her, you're amazing. She doesn't see the mess or the chores. I'd say print that list in the OP and tackle them one at a time.

I understand pets are for life but perhaps don't keep the car and keep your DD?

If nursery is too tiring for you on top of the appointments then perhaps try home schooling? Although nursery age schooling isn't important and is all about play anyway.

We're all in it together. Most of us are incredibly exhausted and even going through depression and I guess some don't have a mother in law or parent to help out either but pointing out those things doesn't help.

Just take a deep breath and get up again. As parents we tend to have to do that a lot but keep going. You can do it.

Aww lovely, it sounds like you need a friend who is good at listening and will help you out. Your parenting sounds completely fine. She doesn't need to go to another family, she's being well looked after, but you need some practical support.
Which area are you in? Id be more than happy to help you out if you were near me.
Please call your hv - they may have some options for people who i can help you.

Are you serious? I'm sorry you're struggling, it is hard not to have family to help but your daughter needs you so much. Are you really saying you want her to be taken away because you're struggling to do your household chores and have takeaway twice a fortnight? Particularly with her dad out of the scene she needs you more than anything.

We don't have a car either, that's not important. Talk to your HV. Maybe your local Sure Start centre has groups for parents you can go to, with a crèche? 💐

I think you need to change your goals from "do all the things I think should be done" to "we will muddle through".
Your DD is happy, thats the main thing. You've got a huge list of things, but the world wont fall in if not ALL of them are done today. Just focus on what is the most important.

I would say - put in the load of washing that is most important and turn the machine on. Then take your DD and go shopping for nappies and food, and maybe a trip to the park on the way. When you come back, put the wahing out to dry, and put the food away. Thats a days worth of achievement right there. If you have any energy for anything else, then great! If you dont, then have another go tomorrow.

"But I know as soon as I get the house under control again it'll get bad because I get busy with appointments and phonecalls to various departments, so it'll be bad again soon."

Thats what houses do! Just keep trying to pull it back from COMPLETE disaster as and when you can and you'll be fine. You are not failing because youre not hoovering every day, if your DD is happy and healthy then youre doing it right.

canhealthyhappen. Read the OP's other threads and/or report if you don't believe the OP, BUT don't troll hunt on a thread where a woman has depression, health issues & is struggling. Have some compassion & common sense.

One job at a time, one day at a time, if necessary. Just this week, consider an online shop delivered to home, wash the dishes and ignore the sheets. Be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot, but your daughter is still safe, loved and cared for. Be proud of that . :-)

My house is regularly a riot. Just speak to your doctor about the way you feel; make sure there is nothing dangerous left lying about your house that your child could hurt themselves on and relax about housework.

Hi OP. No wonder you are in pieces and struggling if your husband left you. I was there too after my divorce. It's a massive shock, your world has been torn upside down. So you need to think about yourself.

Forget about how clean your house is. Your DD would not care anyway.
Call your Health Visitor and tell her you urgently need support. Is there still homestart in your area? Homestart help with the children and sometimes provide a gentle and friendly listening ear.

And also go to the GP, get some counselling and antidepressants. Mostly counselling, there are plenty of free services and it will make a massive difference in your life.
Your DD loves you and needs you. No replacement parent would come close to you for her.

It's OK to feel the way you do at the moment, you're depressed and in a way grieving for the loss of your relationship. I've been exactly where you are, so what if the beds need changing it won't hurt for a day or two. If your daughter wants to play go out to the park and give her your attention a happy child is easier to deal with than an unhappy one. When she's in bed then start doing a little bit of cleaning. Don't beat yourself up so much, look after yourself and your daughter. Things will fall into a routine. If your daughter goes to nursery and your tired have a sleep the housework will still be there next week but you need to look after your own mental health. Keep posting here as well.

Yes, yes, homestart is there for you.
I was a first time mum in foreign country with no help, dh worked long hours. HV refered me to homestart, and they introduced me to the nice lady lived locally. She gave lots of tips, listen to me, took me out with a baby, etc.
As I was fine except for being shy, so simply she accompanied me to toddler groups for couple of times until I was confident, and generally came around for chat. But she offered to do some house works for me if needed, or have a lie in if I was tired.
It seems like a distant dream now, but it was like a light at the end of tunnel at that time. We remain friends still now.

Op I'm so sorry you're struggling and yes you do need help but don't give up yet.

We do all hospital appointments by bus or train - I tell myself its helping his social issues. We are in MacDonald because I'm too hungry having missed breakfast and I need to do a shop. DS (also 2) giggled when he saw it. He can't talk but assume he meant "yay, chip and chicken land!!!!" I spent too much of yesterday in tears over everything that DS can't do and went to bed at 7 once DH was home. I really need top change the sheets.
And I have help so no wonder you're struggling.

You're daughter loves you. You are her world.

Feed her. Wash her. Dress her. House her safety. Love her. I reckon you do all that anyway.

HomeStart. GP. Health Visitor. Your mom. Nursery. Tell everyone what help you need.

Call your GP get an emergency appointment, call your health visitor as well. Find out if the Safer Families have a team in your area and self refer for support.

Where in the country are you based?

You sound overwhelmed with what you need to do and I think you need to lower your standards. The overwhelming list of jobs you've created mean nothing is getting done.
Daily chores in my house are dishes and the kitchen/bathroom getting a wipe down. Washing I'll put on as and when. Ironing doesn't exist in my house aside from exceptional cases when I can't get away with it! Hoovering, dusting, beds etc are done weekly (if that tbh).
Online shopping and getting someone to cut your grass will help as well. We've got someone who comes once a fortnight who's quite cheap as it's just not something I like doing.
Wash your dishes and wipe down the surfaces and reward yourself after with a cuppa and some biccies or something. If there are toys out and bit of dust no-one cares except you I promise.

Oh and does the litter definitely need a full change or could you just scoop it for now?

Do one thing. That's all. One thing.

Another one suggesting you contact your HV and ask to be referred to Homestart. They can really be a lifeline.

It really is difficult sometimes. You are not the only person to feel like this. You'd had an awful lot to deal with. Many people would be struggling if they were in your situation.

I'm glad you've reached out for help.

Where abouts are you
Op? I'm sure some of us can help if we are near? X

I know it seems hopeless right now but you will feel better. Very few of the chores are important.
As long as you are both clean and fed that is all that matters.
Before I met him my DP left all his clothes on the drying rack until he needed them. He never cleaned or cooked and the house had an armchair, a bookcase, a sound system and a mattress. He was OK - although depressed - his world didn't end and we got round to it all over the course of several years.
There are no rules and no expectations other than being healthy and happy.
If you had pneumonia you wouldn't expect the house to be tidy and chores done. You're not well so the focus should be on getting your health back and keeping your daughter safe and happy.
She needs you more than she needs a tidy, sparkling house.

Oh OP I'm so sorry you feel so overwhelmed.

What I can tell from your post is that you are doing GREAT. Your DD is happy, clean and fed. That's honestly 99% of the battle.

Things are not as bad as you feel they are, but of course how you are feeling is important. Get in touch with your HV and tell them how you feel, how you really feel, don't put on a brave face.

Where in the country are you? MNers might know of additional support in your area.

Most of what you've listed can wait. It seems like it's overwhelming (I know that feeling) but really all you NEED to do right now is the litter tray, the online shop & possibly your DD's nursery clothes. You don't even need to sort the washing that's in the machine - just pull it out, stick it on the side and it can rewashed another time if necessary. Everything else CAN wait - the world won't end even though it seems like it might. Get the vital stuff done and it'll feel that tiny bit more manageable. Then you can set yourself some realistic targets like changing the beds next week, or playing "tidying the toys" with DD. It's all about not setting yourself impossible tasks - right now you feel like you have to do everything whereas in reality you just need food, nappies, nursery clothes & the cat happy. Get back to the basics and it'll start to fall into place better.