To contact SS and have them take my DD?

[PeppaPigObsession]

DD is 2, I love her more than life itself. I'd do absolutely anything for her and to protect her. This is not another "I have no bond with my child" thread because I know I do and this is why I am in tears writing this. I do everything I can for her, read to her and sing to her, and we chat and play and even enjoy a bit of TV. We go to the park and she loves Nursery.

For those who haven't read my previous threads. My Husband left us on 26th June. H has and did have his own health issues that meant he couldn't or didn't want to properly bond with DD, he also had anger issues. (Thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2964156-DH-wants-to-leave there's also another thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2974133-To-think-Ive-messed-up-badly.

Like I said, I love DD but I am really struggling. I have depression and am already on antidepressants, but am still struggling.

For the last few days I can't keep on top of the housework, I'm too tired from appointments and nursery runs and keeping up with the sheer amount of paperwork that having a child with so many issues produces, i just can't keep on top of it.

The washing up needs doing, the cat tray needs emptying and refilling with fresh litter, DDs toys need putting away, her clothes need taking off the airer and put away, and the washing machine needs emptying and put up on the airer to dry, her uniform for Nursery needs washing, all the rooms need hoovering, the floors in the bathroom and kitchen need sweeping and mopping, the recycling needs to be taken to the blue recycling bin outside, the bathroom needs cleaning - I've been cleaning the toilet every few days, but the bath and sink need a spray and clean, old bottle need throwing out and the bin in there needs emptying, DDs bed sheets need washing - she only has a sheet and a pillow with a case as she uses her favourite blanket at night, my bed sheets need doing (full king size set) and they will need to be taken to the laundrette as I have a small spacer saver washer which won't fit my sheets in, the grass in the front garden needs a mow. I need to go to Aldi for DDs nappies as I only have half a pack left and i need to do the weekly food shop. And DDs not in nursery today.

I just can't cope. I want to scream or cry or something. I just can't cope anymore with it. DD doesn't sleep at night very well, waking up every few hours so I'm on my knees with exhaustion. I am sick of her whinging because she can't do something or her toys stuck of the cats sad on her favourite elephant teddy. I'm sick of having everyone in and out of my house judging and probably laughing about how I can't cope.

My DM told me a few weeks ago I need to woman up and deal with it because this is my life now so I haven't spoken to her since. Ex-MIL has DD for 4 hours once a fortnight, but wants to cut it down to 2 hours as she says she needs "a life" now both her kids have moved out. Husband has disappeared after the parents of a friend he was stayed with kicked him out, and as he's quit his job and not claiming benefits, and he doesn't want contact with DD.

She deserves better than a family who don't want her, a mother who can't cope and a cluttered home. She should be living in a family home with two parents who love her and want her and can cope, who can drive so she doesn't need to be on public transport for appointments.

DD is napping right now and all I want to do is cry and call SS and tell them to take her somewhere where she'll be properly cared for - I mean we had a takeaway for the 2nd time in a fortnight last night, how is that ok?

I know I should be grateful to have her as some women can't have children. But I know as soon as I get the house under control again it'll get bad because I get busy with appointments and phonecalls to various departments, so it'll be bad again soon.

So WIBU to ring SS right now and tell them I can't cope with my 2 year old and to have them take her away?

It doesn't work like that!
But call your health visa department say you desperately need help. And visit GP.
Good luck

OP it is hard. My husband left when DD was 3 days old, never seen him since. I had no family within a 4 hour drive.

Mat leave in those days meant I had to go back to full time work when DD was 6 month old.

It was bloody hard, I was so exhausted I used to hallucinate.

I got through it by not aiming for perfection. DD watched Cbeebies, more than I preferred and I napped at week ends whenever she did.

every month that goes by she is older and easier to look after.

If you are any where SE london message me and I will come and help you.

I think she needs you you are her mum. Nothing you do is out of the ordinary and most mum's feel or felt like you. Me included. It takes patience and perseverance. It will get easier I promise and you will have a clean house one day. All your dd wants is her mothers love and fuck everyone else. My kids don't have outside family like grandparents, aunts or uncles. Its depressing but all you can do is your best.

No. You shouldn't.
What you should do is seek urgent attention for your own mental health issues. A change of medication or dose or some extra support like CBT may be needed.
Reach out for RL support wherever you can. Be that family, friends, sure start etc etc.

Take a deep breath.
You are going to be fine, your DD is healthy and happy.
You sound a good mum, a takeaway twice in a fortnight is not a bad thing.
Your house is a bit messy - so what? It happens.
From what you've posted it's all just got on top of you and has overwhelmed you, it happens. Nothing youve said makes you a bad mum.
Take 5 minutes for yourself, whether it be tonight with a glass of wine or now with a cuppa.

The issue here is your depression, not your ability to look after your daughter. She loves you, you love her & you will get through this but you're just in a really bad place at the moment and feeling overwhelmed. Lower your standards to "surviving" whilst your mood is low - that might mean a takeaway every night if you need to - it won't be for long & you just need to get through. See your GP re uping your meds. Make a really long list of everything that needs doing & cut it into chunks of what needs to be done, what can wait & what you'd do if you were totally on top of everything. Then just prioritise the need to stuff and do one thing. You'll get through this, you can do it, you're a great Mum.

Oh OP a messy house and a couple of takeaways sound normal to me. You are doing really well in a very stressful situation. If you were my friend I'd be straight round with the rubber gloves and a bottle of wine to help. Or to just take DD out for a few hours. Do you have any friends you can talk to?

It will get better and you can do this.

If you are tired, just lie on the floor and let dd play on you. Give her the occasional comments or tickle attack and she will have hips of fun.

Beans on toast for lunch has never harmed anybody. or stick a potato in the oven and let it cook for an hour. Done baked potato.
Ask and we will give you tips to make it easier. The most important is you are not on your own.
When I feel like a cry I also call the Samaritans. Great listeners.

I'd suggest going back to your GP - it could be a simple case of tweaking your meds?

I agree with pp's, that contacting your HV would be a good starting point - she'll have a wealth of information and will be able to signpost you to lots of agencies/sources of help in your local area.

YOU are not failing your dd - YOU are meeting her needs - YOU just need a little support

A hug and emotional support wouldn't be amiss from your own mother - telling you to woman up is NOT helpful - if anyone NEEDS to woman up its her!

I've been on your other threads, you are having a really bad day.

Your thinking is black and white and symptomatic of depression- in fact, SS will not be interested in taking away a child for these reasons and won't do so, plus your idea that some two parent family is just waiting to take on a disabled child immediately and forever is a false one.

You are very socially isolated through no fault of your own- did you chat with the HV as suggested last time? Can you speak with her again?

Your depression is dragging you down, and the advice you've been given on here to see GP/speak to HV/try Homestart or even phone SS is not bad- but they won't just sweep in and take her away, they'll try to support you in this situation.

to you, you are doing a hard job.

You need help to get everything back to basics so that you can get on top and stay on top of everything.

You mention your ex mil but not about anyone from your side(apart from your Mother who doesn't seem to be helping) have you got any friends/family/neighbours that your close to that would help you out?If not like others have suggested speak to your HV,ring her today and tell her whats going on and also give homestart a call as well if you have them in your area they're usually really good.

Speak to your HV as well about your DD not sleeping there may be something she can suggest that you haven't tried yet and if you can when she is napping in the day sleep your self I know your worried about the house but honestly if your knackered your not going to get any where a real lack of sleep won't only make you feel like crap it can actually make you ill because your immune system can take a real knock.

For now get any help you can,rest when you can and don't panic about the mess things can and will get better but for that to happen you need to make yourself heard,if people love you and love your DD then they can help even if it's just having your DD for an hour or being there to listen to you.You can do this

Another hand hold here, and very happy to lend a hand and an ear/shoulder if you're anywhere near me.

Honestly though, you're giving yourself much too hard a time. Two takeaways in a fortnight - so what? You've fed her, that's what's important. Housework needing done - join the club - you've kept a safe, warm roof over her head, that's what's important.

I'm really not meaning to minimise anything you're feeling, far from it, I've been there. What I'm trying to say is, try to look at the big picture. You love her and you're doing your best for her, and it's more than enough.

You love her and you're doing your best for her, and it's more than enough.

this

It all sounds very normal to me, but you sound very bogged down and depressed.

The first thing i'd do in your shoes is contact your mum, it sounds like she was trying to help albeit clumsily. It's all too easy to blow up little things when you're feeling the way you are right now. You need support, take whatever is available.

OP, what I remember from your previous threads was how amazingly you were coping with tough circumstances.

All she needs is YOU. Take the pressure off yourself. Fuck the house, who cares. Reach out for any help you need. Go back to your gp and tell her how you're feeling.

But know that you're a great mum. Don't aim for perfection. It's not wanted or needed and the pressure is too much for anyone.

I'm not surprised you feel this way; you've had everything wrenched apart and no one's helping you. You are doing amazingly well as it is so don't beat yourself up. Get help though, do it now and let the right people into your life. And each some chocolate and try and take a walk. And hold your daughter close. It will be okay xxx

I second reaching out to your mum. Mums can be total pains in the arse sometimes, but be honest with her about the support you need and I'm sure she'll help.

I don't have kids but I have had depression so I know the overwhelmed feeling, as well as feeling like the people you love deserve better than you. The 'tackle one thing at a time' advice you've been given is spot on BUT, if you feel at all like I did, utterly impossible to actually follow right now. What you need in the immediate future is either better meds or perhaps something else like counselling (I did the latter and avoided the former but everybody is different). Once the fog has thinned a little you can start on everything else, one thing at a time as people have said. Have you got any family or close friends you can ask for help? Someone who can come and perhaps clean/tidy a bit to make it seem less insurmountable? Or could you afford a cleaner for a few hours a week? If you're in the North East PM me and I'll come round and help.

I know bog all about kids but I know one thing: your daughter would NOT be better off without you. The image of the lovely calm, organised family home with two parents you think SS can provide is not only unrealistic (they wont take her and if they did this is not necessarily what she would get), it is actually just the image in your head of what you have 'failed' to provide her, put there by your depression. As long as your daughter is clean, warm, fed and loved you are doing just fine.

Oh, and FWIW, I am currently depression-free, don't have kids keeping me busy, have a DP who more than pulls his weight and my house is still nowhere near as clean as it should be: there's a pile of washing that's been sat on my kitchen table since the weekend, I can't rememeber the last time I dusted and we've had a lot more than 2 takeaways in the last fortnight.

Nobody is going to take your daughter into care. You need to go to the gp and tell them how you're feeling.

It’s horrid being so bogged down with day to day life, depression and no support. It feels like the hugest mountain that will destroy you before you reach the top. But you will.

Ring someone, talk. But not to help your little girl. To help you.

You don’t need separating from your child. That won’t help either of you. You need some support, that’s all. Seeking that out doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you a very good one.

The housework can wait, go the the GP and get help. All this is the depression talking. Sounds like you have been through a traumatic time and just need a bit of help and support. Talk to your family and explain, they might be more helpful. Maybe ask if the grandparents could have your daughter for a couple of days so that you can sort yourself out a bit.

You daughter loves you, you are her mother and her one constant in life. There is no way she would be better off without you.

OP. When my husband left 3 years ago. I could barely stand, i dont think i showered for a week, managed to get the kids to school, who gave them a free lunch, then lay in bed for hours before pick up.

It gets better. I promise.

I struggle with housework anyway due to depression, so i'm 100% sure you house is better than mine.

Go online and buy some dinners to get delivered - you can get nice ready meals now. - that's covered.

If there's too much laundry - perhaps a one off service wash with the laundrette?

If you can get your DD to nursery, i would (even by taxi) then use that time for you, eat, cry, shower, binge on netflix.

Maybe they could have her extra hours as a one off?

Keep in mind your DD wont remember these times. she won't. DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP.

Sorry to hear your ex husband is a Cock - sadly the club gets bigger and bigger.

If my EX is round with the kids and moans about my house. I tell him to Fuck off - my messy house, my rules

Keep talking, your not alone... for what its worth in my darkest days, i probably didnt change my sheets for months. Grim yes, deadly no.

Your DD is lucky to have such a caring role model and mother in her life

Do phone or go and see someone for support, your GP, SS, Health Visitor, Home Start, Parentline.

Also, maybe do a reality check. There seems to be no sign that you actually are not on top of things.

Child happy? Check
Child eating? (Doesn't matter if it's take always sometimes, so what) Check
Child's health and safety needs met? Check
Child's hygiene needs met? Check
Child's development, language, social, physical ok? Check

Good.

Parent happy? NO - this is where you should concentrate your energy. Take a step back. Mind yourself.

P.s. I've been there. Absolutely no family. Ex an asshole and more trouble than not. Brining up a very high needs child from the age of 1 year old, with all bills/mortgage etc and job. Bloody hard work so I sympathise.

Small steps - empty litter tray, refill it so the cat/s cannot urinate/poo elsewhere in the house, adding to the jobs to be done.
Write 5 things that you know you will do down and tick them off as you go.
Once done, look at it with a sense of pride and accomplishment, however small the job.