To contact SS and have them take my DD?

[PeppaPigObsession]

DD is 2, I love her more than life itself. I'd do absolutely anything for her and to protect her. This is not another "I have no bond with my child" thread because I know I do and this is why I am in tears writing this. I do everything I can for her, read to her and sing to her, and we chat and play and even enjoy a bit of TV. We go to the park and she loves Nursery.

For those who haven't read my previous threads. My Husband left us on 26th June. H has and did have his own health issues that meant he couldn't or didn't want to properly bond with DD, he also had anger issues. (Thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2964156-DH-wants-to-leave there's also another thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2974133-To-think-Ive-messed-up-badly.

Like I said, I love DD but I am really struggling. I have depression and am already on antidepressants, but am still struggling.

For the last few days I can't keep on top of the housework, I'm too tired from appointments and nursery runs and keeping up with the sheer amount of paperwork that having a child with so many issues produces, i just can't keep on top of it.

The washing up needs doing, the cat tray needs emptying and refilling with fresh litter, DDs toys need putting away, her clothes need taking off the airer and put away, and the washing machine needs emptying and put up on the airer to dry, her uniform for Nursery needs washing, all the rooms need hoovering, the floors in the bathroom and kitchen need sweeping and mopping, the recycling needs to be taken to the blue recycling bin outside, the bathroom needs cleaning - I've been cleaning the toilet every few days, but the bath and sink need a spray and clean, old bottle need throwing out and the bin in there needs emptying, DDs bed sheets need washing - she only has a sheet and a pillow with a case as she uses her favourite blanket at night, my bed sheets need doing (full king size set) and they will need to be taken to the laundrette as I have a small spacer saver washer which won't fit my sheets in, the grass in the front garden needs a mow. I need to go to Aldi for DDs nappies as I only have half a pack left and i need to do the weekly food shop. And DDs not in nursery today.

I just can't cope. I want to scream or cry or something. I just can't cope anymore with it. DD doesn't sleep at night very well, waking up every few hours so I'm on my knees with exhaustion. I am sick of her whinging because she can't do something or her toys stuck of the cats sad on her favourite elephant teddy. I'm sick of having everyone in and out of my house judging and probably laughing about how I can't cope.

My DM told me a few weeks ago I need to woman up and deal with it because this is my life now so I haven't spoken to her since. Ex-MIL has DD for 4 hours once a fortnight, but wants to cut it down to 2 hours as she says she needs "a life" now both her kids have moved out. Husband has disappeared after the parents of a friend he was stayed with kicked him out, and as he's quit his job and not claiming benefits, and he doesn't want contact with DD.

She deserves better than a family who don't want her, a mother who can't cope and a cluttered home. She should be living in a family home with two parents who love her and want her and can cope, who can drive so she doesn't need to be on public transport for appointments.

DD is napping right now and all I want to do is cry and call SS and tell them to take her somewhere where she'll be properly cared for - I mean we had a takeaway for the 2nd time in a fortnight last night, how is that ok?

I know I should be grateful to have her as some women can't have children. But I know as soon as I get the house under control again it'll get bad because I get busy with appointments and phonecalls to various departments, so it'll be bad again soon.

So WIBU to ring SS right now and tell them I can't cope with my 2 year old and to have them take her away?

Op I'm so sorry you feel like this. I remember struggling like you in the first couple of months after I had my baby. DM me let's find out if you live near me. I'm not a particularly good cook but I can help you clean and get shopping done. Please stop beating yourself up about the takeaways, twice in a forthnight is honestly ok. DD will still grow up strong, smart and well balanced xx

Don't sweat the small stuff. If you had flu or some physical illness you would be kind to yourself. Most things can wait. Fish fingers easy and nutritious, microwave if you have to.
Depression is an illness. Do something nice that makes you feel better, hot bath, short walk, talk to someone (Samaritans even). Keep breathing.

You sound like a wonderful mum OP.

Make a cleaning time table with 2 different "big" jobs a day such as changing sheets, hoovering (honestly doesn't need doing daily) and a list of daily things that need doing such as wiping down the counter, taking the bin out etc.

Do online shops with asda or the like, include dds nappies in this will be much easier and get lots of easy to prepare meals such as beans on toast, fish finger sandwiches etc in.

Definitely contact your HV and homestart if they operate in your area.

I third trying to work things out with your mum if possible. Her comment of 'This is your life now, get on with it' may have sounded harsh, but to an extent it is true. Not the internal struggle you're feeling, but the day to day of parenting alone. Perhaps she didn't mean it as harshly as it sounded. I don't know her, you do. Is it possible that perhaps she was trying the old 'stiff upper lip and carry on, love' without adding the 'it'll get better', or truly understanding where your 'head' is at?

I also think you should 'lower your standards' if you can, even though I know that's not always easy. Your house doesn't sound all that bad to me. Clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy. You don't have to be perfect. Your love for DD shines from you. That and simple meals are enough for her.

You haven't found your 'feet' yet, but you will. This is new and you haven't gotten your new routine set up. Get help from your GP and HV. Look into counseling or support groups.

Sit down and take a breath. Feel better? Good, now go get DD, get her shoes on and go for a walk - head towards the park if there's one close.

The bins will still be there to empty tomorrow, the vacuum will be still be there tomorrow. Step back and slow it down.

Order another takeout for dinner tonight and take the rest of the day off. If you feel too guilty, think of it this way - would you feel bad feeding DD chargrilled chicken breast, salad and creamy garlic sauce? No? Order her a chicken kebab. How about fresh baked bread with a tomato reduction and mozzerella cheese, does that sound good? Order her a pizza. It's food, not poison.

Tomorrow, go to the GP, tell him how you are feeling. Investigate cleaners if you can afford or come up with a realistic and achievable cleaning rota if you can't. I'd bet you're doing far more than is needed. Ask MN to devise a cleaning rota with you if you stuck or it starts overwhelming you. We'll tell you if you're washing your sheets too often

Once you're feeling up to it - batch cook or just cook double every meal you do manage to cook and freeze a portion for when you're shattered. In the meantime a few takeouts and some smiley faces and beans never killed anyone.

If I remember correctly she has special needs correct? If so I think contacting them and seeing if you can get access to respite care (although I know this can be rare) and access to the services you need.

Secondly I think you need to cut yourself some slack - takeaway once a week so what. A messy house thats normal.

Then I dont know if there is a backstory with your mum but I think you need to forgive her because in honesty she is right all you can do is deal with it

OP You ARE coping! Yes it's a struggle, a huge struggle everyday but the fact you still have that list of things you feel need to be done means you haven't disappeared down a black hole it means you are desperately trying to hang on to the standards you had before life became so difficult.

Your DD needs your love and the security you bring more than anything else.

You're looking at the whole picture, the endless list of chores, and it's over-whelming. Break it down in to what needs to be done today, this week, and when you have time. For instance, washing up dishes, 1 x load of laundry/on to airer needs to be done everyday. Hoover and clean bathroom can be done every 4-5 days. Change beds once a week or it sheets are clean once a fortnight. Food shop once a week and take a list with you so you don't forget anything and reduce the need to go again more than once a week.

As for your cat, I will probably get slaughtered for this but, would it be possible to rehome your cat? It would be one less thing for you to keep on top off.

If they take her away where do you really think she will end up? It's unlikely that she'll end up in a perfect forever home with two loving parents etc. Have you considered turning to charities for support? Do you have any close friends you can turn to? Does your doctor know about your worsening mental health? Have you considered rehousing the cat to ease your workload?

I too suffer serious mental health issues and am in the midst of a bad spell so feel shit most days . Iv 4 dcs and my dh is a farmer so is never at home to help me . We are in the middle of harvest so he leaves before we wake up and is home when we are a sleep . I find doing one task at time i.e. Yesterday I stripped all beds ( ours is a super king and did all 4 kids beds) and re made them up with fresh bedding whilst the bedding I'd stripped was in washer. I then have a cup of tea and set myself the next task so did all dishes and cleaned the kitchen and mopped the floors . Then it's time for school pick up . Some days I really can't be arsed to do anything but I force myself to do the housework . It makes me more depressed seeing the house a mess. Please just try and force yourself to do one job and I promise it will make you feel a whole lot better . I generally find when I start doing jobs I end up crazy king on with rest of the housework as I get a boost out of seeing jobs completed . I feel dreadful knowing there is shit loads to do . Sometimes getting started is the hardest part so come on get off mymsnet and go empty the litter Tray and do the dishes and then report back and I promise you will feel better .

Hi Peppa
I've lurked on one of your other threads (where you think you've messed up but haven't at all!) If you have the time go back and have a read through of that thread - you've done an amazing job - have a great relationship with DD, working well with her nursery, have rejigged finances to get some extra money into your weekly budget, answered the same question about DLA with unwavering politeness (!) All you didn't manage to do one morning was sort out the Middle East!

Take a breath, remember how much you've accomplished and how much your DD adores you (and vice versa) Do lean on other professionals if you can - whether GP or HV. But you will get through this feeling of despair

Cracking on with not crazy king

Also, two takeaways in a fortnight is nothing! My 2 year old had wotsits for breakfast this morning because we didn't have any cereal or bread before going food shopping!

I grew up on dodgy Findus crispy pancakes, spam fritters, and chips from the chip shop! :)

As for asking ss to take dd that's a none starter . She loves you and it will fuck her up for life if you do that ! Right now things seem impossible but for change to happen you have to make a start and put in a bit effort . I don't mean to sound harsh as I know how you feel . No pill or cleaner or health professional can make you feel better . Yeh they may help short term but for long term you need to make the changes yourself and try to step out your comfort zone . Do you have friends ? Can you get dd out to play groups etc and chat to people ( again I know you won't feel like doing this as I often make excuses to avoid social situations) , I often have to force myself to go but always feel so much better when Iv made the effort

Do not do this! By the sounds of it she is your world as you are hers, you NEED her to keep yourself functioning.
Can a friend help with the house? Sod the toys being put away, thats not important. Start small, Aldi for nappies as she needs those, then maybe put the clothes away then empty the washing machine.
Tomorrow do the cat litter and hoovering
Saturday the mopping, maybe your daughter can help? Give her a cloth and let her slide around the floors :-)
Sod the lawn too, that can wait.
Baby steps, takeaways are fine, your eating that's what counts but if it bothers you then while at Aldi why not pick up some of the filled pasta's with some sauce jars, or they do some good steam readymeals you just do in the microwave

Homestart Homestart Homestart.

I am in a similar position OP. I have two young boys and am on my own, no family nearby after o split from their dad after DV.

My house is a mess, always. I don't drive so we get buses everywhere. Sometimes I'm too lazy to cook so we have takeaway. I'm permanently exhausted. I also suffer from mental illness and am on medication.

BUT my boys are LOVED, they are HAPPY and at the end of the day that is ALL that matters. Often I feel totally overwhelmed by all the laundry, tidying, washing up etc. I feel like a crap mum. But then I remind myself of how far my boys have come in the last year, how they are always smiling and laughing and more confidence. How school and nursery tell me how happy they are and that I'm doing a good job. And that helps me put it in perspective. I would never ever give them away because of what is (in the scale of things) a short term collection of problems.

It's only been a few months. A year down the line I can tell you it DOES get easier. As your daughter gets older it will get easier, she will be able to help tidy up, help with little jobs round the house, will need less of your constant attention.

I have a Homestart volunteer who comes round once a week. She drives me to the supermarket so I can do a big shop, takes me to the tip when I am having a clear out, helps me with the housework and is a shoulder to cry on. Situations like ours is what they are FOR.

It WILL get better. Neither you nor she will ever forgive you for giving her up. You need support not to give up the most precious thing in your world.

Hi you can call social services and ask for some support - they do have some early intervention services (ours is called Early Help) they maybe able to offer you some support or point you in the right direction. There is a national organisation called Home Start that could be helpful to you if they have one in your area. You can self refer to them and they provide support in your home. Things will improve. ( even though it may not feel like it now)! X

If a clean house was the measure of good parenting, my mother would have had all 3 of us taken away! I grew up in a pretty gross environment but it had nothing to do with my mothers devotion . And I have a great immune system 👍🏻
Sounds to me like YOU need support, please concentrate on getting that for yourself! Nothing you wrote stands out as you being a bad mother!

I would try and get some physical exercise out of the house each day. Is there a crèche at your local sports centre. If so an hours swimming up and down would probably make you feel a lot better. If not put your daughter in a pushchair and go for a good walk ideally with a friend so you can chat at the same time. I would also try and make a plan for the day so you have a list of household tasks you have ticked off so you can feel a sense of having achieved something. Also enjoy some quality time with your dd - eg reading stories. Speak to your HV as suggested above. Do you think the medication you are on is making you feel better..if not go to the docs and ask if there is an alternative such as cognative behaviour therapy. I have not read your other threads and don't know your whole story. I would say put yourself and your daughter first..plan happy times together and try not to worry too much about the housework...leaving the sheets a few days longer to be changed will not matter.

I would also contact your exmil and DM and explain how you are feeling and ask for a bit more help.

SS are there to protect abused children and children in danger , not help out a houseproud mum!

why would you have a cat and think about getting rid of your Dc?
you lost me at the takeaway twice a fortnight.You have ridiculous standards and then want to ditch your child?

Where are you? If nearby, I will come and do some stuff for you. Please tell us your area as am sure others will help if they can?

meanwhile, do one of the things on your list every hour. Start off with the small stuff like recycling at 3pm, the cat litter at 4pm etc etc. These things take minutes. Make a list and tick them off as you go. When that list gets smaller you will gain confidence and not feel so overwhelmed.

^why would you have a cat and think about getting rid of your Dc?
you lost me at the takeaway twice a fortnight.You have ridiculous standards and then want to ditch your child?^

People with depression can't often think straight. The smallest thing can threaten to overwhelm you and then logic flies out of the window. It's a soul crushing, debilitating and ofttimes terrifying condition.

OP's reaction is a symptom of her illness and is no way indicative of her parenting skills or love for her child. If anything, it shows just how much she does love her child.

Unfortunately, her depression is telling her she can't be mother her child deserves. Which, in case you were still unsure OP, is not true.

I have posted before on your other threads so do know your history so to speak. Sometimes when you are on anti depressants they bottom out, meaning you may need a stronger dose, or a hand hold, or just some help to get over this rough patch. Book an appointment with your GP today. If that is the only one thing you do today make it that please.
Could the lady you are friends down across the road have your daughter for a few hours? Just so you can sit down with a cuppa and no responsibilities. Never mind the take away food, it won't harm you or her to chill and kick back once in a while. If it was every night then yes it is a problem, but not twice in a fortnight.

Social services will help you, they may get you respite care for a weekend to allow you get your breath back and arrange a home help for you, but they are not mind readers, tell your health nurse ( I know she was very supportive of you in the past) how you are struggling and ask for help.

You adore your little girl, it comes across in every post and if you didn't care you wouldn't be so upset, exhausted and worn down. I know too you are a young mum coping alone, having been royally let down by her Father and his parents and that is so hard to do with a child that has extra needs like your wee girl has.

I suggest if you are up to it, phoning the nursery and explaining your struggling and asking is there anyone that can collect your daughter for the few days and take her to nursery for you or you could pop her into nursery, go home have a hot bath and sleep and then tackle the housework the following day. It's only a temporary phase you are going through I promise and it will get better again, but you need to accept you are human and you will get bad and good days.

You are not a robot, not perfect, none of us are, and maybe try make things up with your Mum. I know she is not very helpful but sometimes when we are very down and feeling low it does seem like everyone says something aimed at us, when they may not have meant it just like that, but you took it as a criticism anyway. Maybe try forgive her, we can all be capable of saying daft things at times..

One other thing that jumped out at me from your post was the long list of things you have to do. I suffer from depression too and am on tablets for it. I always feel worse when I am due my period or around the time of a full moon and I struggle to leave the house or be sociable with people, my tablets also give me the most awfully vivid dreams that I literally wake up shaking from. My GP knows all this and we are trying to get the dosage right.

I go thru phases of sleeping lots or not sleeping at all.. I want to sleep a lot when I am like this, other days I can cope okay.I write down all the jobs I have to do on a piece of paper and as they are done, one by one I mark them off. When I get 5 jobs done and that can take a while I allow myself a treat. It might just be a sit down with a book or a bath or simply put on the music, do a crossword, colour a picture. It doesn't have to get expensive. Just something to give your mind a rest.

Maybe go to the pictures or a swim when your daughter is in nursery or start looking for a babysitter that will enable you to get out one evening a week to a night course. I know you are money limited, so you might be able to set up a baby sitting circle with one or two mums at nursery who are also single parents and need a bit of time to themselves too. You are allowed to make time for you too and it doesn't always have to be about your daughter.

If you ever want to chat away from here send me a private message and we can do so. Sorry I am not in the UK or I would try do more to help you. Above all remember everything passes and this will too. Try take things one day at a time and please be proud of yourself, you are not having an easy time of it and you are coping as best you can.

Love and hugs xxxx

I have been where you are. You don't need to be superwoman. You need to learn that it's ok to just aim for today. And if today is too much. Then aim for hour to hour. Get through an hour.

As for the house. It's not going to fall down. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a lovely mum. You sound lovely.

So today. Make a list of everything that needs done.... just make the list. Nothing else.

Take out isn't the end of the world. At the moment, I am existing. So for me this week I have identified what urgently needs done.

For me that's make sure I feed my toddler. If nothing else gets done. At least that one thing is.....

Put on cartoon channels and sit with a cuppa. Breathe.

Tomorrow feed your child and do one other item on your list. Nothing more.

Increase as you are able too.

Feeling like this isn't a failure. You won't always feel this way.

It's ok to be overwhelmed.

If you need a support mum, I'm here to listen.

OP - I have mental health problems and a special needs child. I remember when she was little thinking I couldn’t do it. She’s a teenager now and my very best friend in the whole world.

There is help out there.

Let us know where you are - I’m happy to come and help out if you are nearby as many others have offered

I am a social worker. SS won't take your DS from what you've said. They may be able to offer you some support, however. It likely won't not hurt to call them and describe how you feel. There are specialist services that can come into the home to help. I think your DS could be classified as a child in need (s17 children act) but sort of depends how on their knees the department is.

I mean we had a takeaway for the 2nd time in a fortnight last night, how is that ok?
This really is not bad at all.

If It's any reassurance at all, from the sounds if it you are actually managing and doing the best for your daughter, but in being able to 'manage' you are completely overwhelmed and your mental health is suffering. Reach out to your HV, local children's centre or SS and explain exactly how you feel at your worst. There is help out there