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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

527 replies

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 09:48

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

OP posts:
Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 11:13

Oh for goodness sake he will survive an old gentle dog!

Any adult who chooses to upset their partner to such a degree and condemn an elderly much loved pet to a kennels in its twilight years isn't a partner for me.

And I don't think the ops dh sounds he's that person.

It's not a Rottweiler puppy or a fucking king cobra

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 06/09/2017 11:14

Your DH may find that taking Bella out for walks at the weekend will help with his stress levels.

I hope it works out well for you all, including Bella.

JackietheBackie · 06/09/2017 11:16

I think the fact that he is a kind man and already an animal owner will mean that when he actually sees poor old Bella in the kennels, he will eant to bring her home. It isn't his number one choice, but he knows the responsibility and commitment you need as an animal owner. I think a trial would be a good idea for all of you.

lucydogz · 06/09/2017 11:16

I love dogs but would definitely not take a dog in against the wishes of my partner. Also, from my experience, old dogs are smellier, need more money spent on them, and will pee on the carpet, which is going to make things more difficult between you and your partner. Your partner is more important than your dog.

NoFucksImAQueen · 06/09/2017 11:17

Take the dog. She's 12 and won't have many years left, he hasn't said no just that he'd rather not but he would to make you happy.

TatianaLarina · 06/09/2017 11:19

If we were talking about a cat I'd say they're fairly low maintenance and you can avoid them.

But I really really do not like dogs - can't stand the smell which makes me feel sick, can't stand the fur, the doggyness that gets on stuff, the licking, the poo, the walking, the hassle around walking, the hassle around going away etc.

So I appreciate you have a strong attachment to the dog, but your husband may just not be able to live with one.

I think you need to contact a good rehoming charity and find a responsible new owner. Depending on the circumstance you may be able to keep on touch with the new owners.

GruffaloPants · 06/09/2017 11:20

I think YABU. Maybe try to revoke the dog through a suitable charity eg Dogs Trust. Also what's with everyone saying "she is your baby" etc? It's a dog, albeit a much loved one. It's not a person!

GahBuggerit · 06/09/2017 11:20

My older dogs have never wee'd on the carpet, or needed more money spent on them unless they were ill, which can happen to a younger dog Confused about as smelly as a cat too.

Wee can be wiped up anyway, op has laminate flooring Grin

MrsCharlesBrandon · 06/09/2017 11:20

I have a dog, but i am not a dog person. DH had tolerated me and my cats (brought home during the relationship) for 13 years before i agreed to get a dog too.

We're now nearly 3 years in and I love her. She annoys the hell out of me and it is always me that picks up the slack, but our home would not be the same without her.

In your DH's position OP i would take on the dog purely because it was that important to my OH, just as DH did for me with my cats.

user1494426473 · 06/09/2017 11:21

Another here who thinks you should take the dog. You have history with the dog and presumably if roles were reversed and EXDH hadn't taken her all those years ago and you had been in a position to then new DH surely would have accepted the dog came as part of the package. Just because dog hasn't been living with you does not mean your history doesn't extend back to before you met your DH. If this were a young, active, "popular" dog with good chancers of being rehomed to another loving family I would absolutely agree that you should pass, however this is an old dog who has already experienced the upheaval of being put into kennels for several months. The odds of another family wanting to take on an old dog are slim and even if they did it will be a new set of challenges for her to adapt to a new family with new rules. at worst you and your DH only need to provide her with a warm and stable home environment for the next couple of years or so. In the grand scheme of things it really isn't a long time. If DH has been good enough to say if you get her he will make every effort to share responsibility for caring for her then I think that is extremely good of him and an offer that should not be refused. He can obviously see it is important to you and if he loves you that much then I say make the most of it just this once and think of the dog.

If you do decide not to take her on then please do contact your local rescues and rehoming centres and ask for assistance with rehoming her. Whatever you do (I'm sure you wouldn't do this but I;ll say it anyway) please DON'T advertise her online or through any gumtree type selling sites - they are a haven for terrible people looking for dogs for use in dog fights and baiting :(

Good luck with it all

lucydogz · 06/09/2017 11:23

Isn't it a question of whether you respect your partner or not?

MissDuke · 06/09/2017 11:23

Send dh to live elsewhere until Bella has lived out her days with her owner

I get the impression though that the op owned this dog many years ago and it doesn't sound like she has made any effort whatsoever to see the dog over those years. Will Bella even remember her? Does she really know her personality as much as she thinks she does? I am not so sure.

Had she made the effort to spend time with her, take her for walks etc then it would of course be different.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 11:23

@DonkeysDontRideBicycles Yes, I have spoken to the landlord and said yes without hesitation.

And to the PP before my DH made his feelings clear. I think he was wanting to out off the conversation until it was inevitable. I can easily cancel them at work. And I think I've booked them too soon from now anyway to allow us to make the transition properly should we take her.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 11:25

Jeez! Sorry i meant i booked holidays at work before he made his feelings clear. I mentioned booking hols to show I'm responsible and not just expecting her to arrive here and it's business as usual. I want to do it properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 11:28

@MissDuke I did see her in the beginning but then my priorities changed as I met my now DH and we had children. I have been in contact ex pretty regularly asking after her but have not seen her physically for a good few years until recently when i found out she was in kennels. So maybe she has changed somewhat. She seems the same happy, loving dog but I haven't lived with her in about 6 years.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 06/09/2017 11:31

For those of you who say the OP hasn't taken into account her DH's feelings, what about the fact that she agreed to accept his cat? How is this different? It won't be for a long period.

Mittens1969 · 06/09/2017 11:36

I mean Bella is 12, she could live another 3 years potentially.

I'm reminded of my DSis when she first met her now DH. He had a 9 year old DS from his previous marriage - 20 years old and grown up with his own DS now - her dog ate his pet hamster. Thankfully they all adjusted.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/09/2017 11:36

I wouldn't tolerate a cat or a dog in my home. The only pets I've allowed are the goldfish.
I am allergic to everything with fur. There is no way I'd be prepared to live with a fur-bearing animal, in constant discomfort, just to placate a partner's sentimentality (OP hasn't seen the bloody dog for 6 years, it's unlikely to remember her.)

I also loathe the way people think that disliking or avoiding dogs and cats is some sort of moral failing. There are, actually, some credible ethical arguments about it being wrong to keep pets.

Notevilstepmother · 06/09/2017 11:37

Knottyash, bit of a morbid topic, but as you asked here are the stats. Even for mixed breeds 18 would be very very unlikely. 11 or 12 is the expected life expectancy of a dog, around 20% of dogs will make it to 14 and 10% of dogs will make 15.

Mittens1969 · 06/09/2017 11:37

The OP's DH has a cat!!

Ragwort · 06/09/2017 11:38

Difficult, as your DH has said he will, grudgingly, put up with the dog.

My DH & DS would like a dog, I have made it absolutely clear that if they bought a dog home I would have no hesitation in moving out myself.

Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 11:44

i appreciate you have a strong attatchment to the dog

You clearly have no idea what dogs and cats can possibly mean to their owners

Merida83 · 06/09/2017 11:47

I'm afraid I think YABU.
I feel sorry for your DH he has clearly been guilted into agreeing to a visit a trial etc.
Your ex kept the dog. She went from being owned by 2 to owned by him.

While cats are a responsibility as you dh points out dogs ate much much more. They limit life so much. And it's one thing for a family to want a dog and to decide together to get one knowing they are happy to make such life changing commitment. But thats not the case here. I really do feel for your DH.

Don't be surprised if he comes to resent her presence and the limits she puts on your lives.

Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 11:47

Rean he's not allergic.

It's not a moral failing to not like cats or dogs but it's a fucking huge moral failing dumping one you had before you met your partner.

And that's why the op being a decent human being doesn't want to.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 11:51

@ReanimatedSGB Yes I hadn't seen her in 6 years. I was happy she was happy and looked after by my ex. Now the circumstances have changed and I have been to see her at the kennels when i found out that's where she was. When I saw her again I was transported right back to when I had her. I've taken her for walks and spent time with her. All the feelings I had for her resurfaced with a vengeance. I would take her in a heartbeat. This is why it's not easy and helps having other people's options from all angles helping me think it through.

OP posts: