Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

527 replies

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 09:48

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 06/09/2017 10:50

I think there's a partial compromise possible.

If you acknowledged to your DH that you know it's not something he wants, you will do all (and I mean all) of the walks, getting dog food, cleaning up, etc (and if you can't do it on any given day then you hire a dogwalker, not ask him), and if he realises Bella is quite an old girl (it's hard to think of, but at 12 she's not a pup with 15 years ahead of her) so this situation won't last forever - with all this in mind, might be be willing to accept Bella coming home to you?

But you have to stick to the agreements. You book the dogwalker, the dogsitter or kennels for when you go on holiday, you book the dogwalker rather than drag the family home early from a day out, etc etc.

Boatmistress17 · 06/09/2017 10:51

Imo Bella is still your responsibility from the day she became your ddog all those years ago.
Could your dh have an issue as it was a shared ddog with ex?
Send dh to live elsewhere until Bella has lived out her days with her owner. .

NoSquirrels · 06/09/2017 10:51

And there's absolutely no way for your ex to have her abroad? I assume not?

I would have to take her. I would be extremely upset with my Dh if I could not take her. So I think the risk of his upset (when he agreed "in principle") would be outweighed to be honest by the degree of my upset if I had to leave her in kennels. Both would be damaging to the relationship, so I would expect him to compromise, quite honestly. You did so for the cat, he can do it for your dog. She is 12, and will not live forever.

I would have her out of kennels, and be talking to a local reputable animal rehoming centre about finding a new home for her long-term. You will foster her until such time as a home is found, and ask to be involved in the decision-making. That would be the best compromise for everyone.

junglebookisthebest · 06/09/2017 10:53

On initial reading - I felt you shouldn't take the dog. Then I find out he put you in a similar position with regard to his cat - well I can't see how this is much different.
Give your dog a lovely home for the remainder of her life and remind your other half about his cat and that its only going to be for a few years as your dog is elderly...

Chaotica · 06/09/2017 10:54

I'm late to this thread but I think you should take her. She's old, she's your dog, she needs a home and you love her. Your DH will (probably) come round to the idea.

alltouchedout · 06/09/2017 10:55

If my DH insisted on bringing a dog into the home I'd seriously consider leaving. I could not live with a dog. But more than that, I don't know if I could live with someone who so totally ignored my feelings and needs. If he used some of the arguments made on this thread, called my reasons silly, told me I'd cope, told me I'd just have to get on with it, etc, I'd lose respect for him.

Slightly different as your DH has, albeit seemingly reluctantly, agreed- and your posts make me think that if he were as opposed as I would be you'd not insist. But reading this thread has made me feel a bit sad. Surely those of us who really, really do not want to share our homes and lives with dogs should have the right not to?

Liiinoo · 06/09/2017 10:55

I would take the dog. He has said he will go along with it so to refuse to take it would make a martyr of you and the dog. If she as nice as you say he will probably learn to love her. Even if he only tolerates her at least the dog is out of kennels and with one person who lives her. And she is old, it won't be for long.

Time40 · 06/09/2017 10:55

I've booked time off work to be here with her while we all get used to the change.

Then you've decided already, haven't you?

I think whether this is a bad thing or not depends on how deep your DH's dislike of dogs goes. If he really, deeply dislikes them, then YABU. Personally, I couldn't live in a house with a dog in it. I can't stand them, and I just couldn't. If he's not quite as bad as I am .... maybe it will be OK.

TheABC · 06/09/2017 10:56

Good luck with bringing her home. It's the best solution in a less than ideal situation.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/09/2017 10:57

As you mention other threads I took a look,
It's really not practical for me to have her with us being in rented accommodation although my landlord is pretty flexible. He's okay about a cat but don't know about a dog. Our neighbours wouldn't be happy for sure as she has always been very loud!

But now it's okay?

The renting one is not an issue That's a relief.
Good luck tonight.

PoppyPopcorn · 06/09/2017 10:57

Yes.

Everyone in the family has to be on board with the decision. You're being very selfish.

Ummmmgogo · 06/09/2017 10:58

seems like you have decided. I really hope your dp can get over it as this has the potential to cause huge problems in your relationship. and no dog is worth that imo. good luck let us know how it goes

GahBuggerit · 06/09/2017 10:59

Yes good luck OP, Im sure your DH will come round when he sees how happy you are when you see Bella later. I understand where some posters are coming from (respecting his feelings etc) but he has to respect yours too and as you come round to the cat he can nut up and do this for you.

OnionKnight · 06/09/2017 11:00

I hate cats, I literally can't stand them.

If my wife brought one home I'd leave.

Thankfully she's not a cat lover but I so think you are being U.

peachgreen · 06/09/2017 11:00

@Lovingmybear2 OP already did that when she left her with her ex.

If I had a pet when I first met DH and he didn't want pets, I would have ended the relationship. This is not the same situation. OP did not have a pet when she met DH. She wants to bring a pet into an established household.

massi71 · 06/09/2017 11:02

I hated dogs and never had anything to do with them growing up. A cultural thing.

DH grew up with dogs and the dc wanted one. So we ended up getting one. My God. I actually love the bones of my dog and we are devoted to each other. My life and home would be empty without him now. Im glad the decision was made for me in this situation as I didn't realise what a "doggy" person I am because I hadn't had the exposure to them to decide one way or the other.

Get the pooch out of the kennels and take her home!

AJPTaylor · 06/09/2017 11:02

What breed is she? Life expectancy? If its a couple of years then i think dh is being harsh

Idontevencareanymore · 06/09/2017 11:02

All I will say Is how would you feel if he went ahead and did something you didn't want him to do?

YABU

rosie1959 · 06/09/2017 11:04

Op I certainly don't think you are being selfish far from it Bella is your dog and she needs you now

DeadButDelicious · 06/09/2017 11:05

I'd get the dog. You made a commitment to her with your ex, they cannot care for her anymore, therefore it falls to you to make sure she is cared for. She's 12. It won't be a long term thing and you can rest easy knowing you did the right thing by her. You took on his cat, he can take on your dog.

My husband wasn't totally enamoured with the idea of a dog but when we got Lola he quickly became besotted with her. He was devastated when we lost her. You may find that he comes round to it. If he doesn't, which is also fine, be prepared for you to do most of the work. Good luck.

araiwa · 06/09/2017 11:06

I would ltb who brought a dog in to my house when i had made my feelings clear about dogs in my house.

Anyone who could selfishly disregard my feelings like that is not someone i could be with. You and the dog can find a new house together

Knottyash5 · 06/09/2017 11:09

Gosh if my DH insisted on having a dog it would be grounds for divorce. I don't like them, they are a huge responsibility and cost a lot of money in terms of food, vets bills and kennels when you want to, or need, to go away. I can't imagine having one in the same house.

And is 12 really that old for a dog? Cats can live until they're 18. 6 years is a long time for your DH to be unhappy.

Summerswallow · 06/09/2017 11:12

Not everyone who ends up living with a dog ends up loving the dog. My parents got an older dog when I was in my teens and whilst I didn't wish the dog any harm and walked it/looked after it to the best of my ability, I didn't love the dog, I just didn't. I wouldn't want to live with a dog in my home very much at all, although an older calmer one for just a few years I think I could tolerate, knowing that the disruption to everything was just temporary- I wouldn't want to have a bouncy dog whatsoever, I would be on edge the whole time in my own home.

DeadButDelicious · 06/09/2017 11:12

Also, we had 3 cats when we got Lola and it was fine. Introduce them slowly, give the cat plenty of places to escape to away from the dog and at the slightest hint of agro, end the interaction and try again later. I found a pet remedy plug in to more effective than a feliway (and much cheaper). Good luck tonight.

Boatmistress17 · 06/09/2017 11:13

When me and dh got together I had 2 cats. He had never been interested in cats at all. He loves them now - and they sit with him now not me!!
Fickle fuckers. .
Love me love my dcats.
And you are love me love my ddog!