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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

527 replies

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 09:48

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

OP posts:

frami · 06/09/2017 10:32

Aside from whether you should rehome the dog (personally I think you should ). Try contacting the Oldies Club a specialist rescue for older dogs. They will not PTS a dog simply because it is old and difficult to rehome, something which many shelters do. I would check out the policy for the place where the dog is now. Might also be useful to post on the Dog House section of MN.
www.oldies.org.uk/

Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 10:32

I couldn't stop myself getting Bella. He would just have to get on with it really.

From what you say op he will and dogs are known to be stress relievers.

Mittens1969 · 06/09/2017 10:33

My DH is allergic to dogs so it wouldn't be an option for us to have a dog. But I had a cat when we first got together and he wasn't too keen on the idea of having one, thought he was allergic. But he found out he was ok with cats, just not with dogs. He also saw how hard I was finding it to give her up so he agreed to have her. When we had to have her PTS 8 years later he was almost as upset as I was.

Now we have 4 cats and he's absolutely fine. So maybe having dogs would grow on him. And you did compromise on having a cat.

And even if he doesn't ever like Bella, she's 12 and won't be with you all that many years.

It's something you need to talk through frankly and make a joint decision about.

What you mustn't do is have her against his wishes altogether though. My DM was in tears while my father was out getting a dog that she didn't want. I was 6 years old and I still remember how upset she was. And on top of that, she did most of the work looking after the said dog. She was a lovely family pet, but looking back it was grossly unfair.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/09/2017 10:35

Please don't turn your back on her, she needs you.
Could you take her, whilst actively looking for a suitable home.
The RSPCA have an Elderley Animal Rehoming Scheme, called Ears, depending on the area you live. You would keep her with you, until a suitable home is found. She is still the same dog, who loved you all those years.

Penny4UrThoughts · 06/09/2017 10:35

Personally I think you should take the dog.

The people that think otherwise clearly have no idea about how much people bond with their pets. Its as close to family as it gets without being blood.

The fact that you had to do similar with his cat, despite being allergic is highly relevant. If this is a horrible thing to do to your husband, then he has done just as horrible a thing to you!!

This is not about introducing a new pet to a household that one person doesn't want. This is about looking after an existing pet. Had the ex not taken it at the time of the split, then the dog would already be part of your lives.

Mittens1969 · 06/09/2017 10:35

And yes, it will need to be on a trial basis if you do take on Bella, because you'll have to wait and see how well she and the cat co-exist together.

ElsieMc · 06/09/2017 10:37

I posted on an earlier thread about this not realising it was your ex's/your dog. It is very sad that she is in kennels. However, you still seem to be asking the same question seemingly trying to get other's support. You got lots of advice last time op and I don't get why you keep starting threads about the same issue. You need to make a decision.

Original poster

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 10:37

Reading the first few responses I thought oh well that's it, I'm a terrible wife for even considering it knowing how my husband feels.

But the rest of you seem to understand my predicament. It's not just black and white.

How could I live with myself knowing she was a few miles up the road in kennels indefinitely. I've been thinking about her constantly and imagining her in our home and walking and loving her. It's not a hard decision for me. In my mind I've already moved her in.

I am trying to do it the right and looking into how best to make the transition in terms of the cat and children. I've booked time off work to be here with her while we all get used to the change.

We're all scheduled to go and see her this evening, DH, me and the twins for the first time. My DH has been putting it off as he feels thats one step closer to us taking her but we are going. I can't bear her being in there much longer especially when she has a loving home here.

OP posts:

heidiwine · 06/09/2017 10:38

Take the dog. Another one here whose DP didn't want a dog. In the end I persuaded him and we have a dog. DP adores our dog and is so good with him. He even commented the other day about the good bits of having a dog outweigh the restrictive bits and I never thought he'd think that.

DressedCrab · 06/09/2017 10:38

YABU and very unfair.

BookingDotComAreTwats · 06/09/2017 10:38

YABU - it's your DH's home too. If he does not want a dog, it would be really U to make him have one.

Whilst this a sad situation, it is up to your ex to sort this out, not you.

Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 10:39

Cats abs dogs usually shift ok together. We have had both for years old and young with random strays in the mix and all shift together as long as there's space for the cat to climb away from the dog so basket on a window ledge etc

peachgreen · 06/09/2017 10:39

Well, it's your decision, but I hope you at least acknowledge that you're choosing a dog over your DH's feelings.

Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 10:40

You can tell the posters who have lioved an animal and those who havnt

Goodasgoldilox · 06/09/2017 10:40

You sound to be in a difficult situation - but you have done all the right things in trying to rehome Bella.

However, Bella is your responsibility.

Your partner has to accept this and has done this with good grace. He seems to be an honourable person.

As Bella is old this is not a long-term change but actually, virtue is sometimes its own reward, and he might grow to love dogs after all.

millsbynight · 06/09/2017 10:41

Poor old Bella. She must be so sad and lonely in kennels.

She's old. She won't have many years left in her - please make her last few years worthy and with dignity in a home where someone loves her. Your kids will love her too.

GahBuggerit · 06/09/2017 10:41

Stand your ground OP. Hope all goes well this evening, I'm sure your DH will change his mind when he sees how happy you are.

Sometimes we have to make sacrifices to make our loved ones happy. This is one of those times for your DH to step up. Remind him about the cat and if you were digging your heels in as much as him you wouldn't be together. Might make him realise hes being a bit daft.

SoPassRemarkable · 06/09/2017 10:43

Hope it goes well tonight and that she comes home with you

peachgreen · 06/09/2017 10:44

@Lovingmybear2 I've loved plenty of animals. But I love and respect my DH more.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 06/09/2017 10:45

Just read most of this thread. Good luck for this evening. Obviously it's your choice but if I condemned Bella to a possibly miserable few twilight years, it would affect my relationship with my DH. I don't even like dogs and I don't have a DH, but have a cat who is my second baby so i understand how you feel. Hope it all goes well and your DH sounds an honest but kind man.

GahBuggerit · 06/09/2017 10:45

Maybe its time for OPs DH to love and respect her more then and realise that this is very important to OP so he can put aside his silly reasons. Claws clicking on laminate ffs, get a fucking rug then you massive wet lettuce!!!

Ivegotnothing · 06/09/2017 10:46

I have a dog and cats, they are all fine together. In my opinion you have a responsibility to that dog. She's old, she'll be sad in kennels. It may only be for a year or two, your DH will cope and may even come to love her. Go get the dog.

Original poster

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 10:46

@ElsieMc I understand what you're saying but this time it's slightly different as we are now at crunch time as now I can take Bella. Before it was landed on me and was an abstract possibility with obstacles for me taking her and other rehoming possibilities.

There are no other options now that I know more about the situation and it comes down to me taking her or she stays in kennels indefinitely or moved to a rehoming one.

The previous obstacles I had were that I'm renting, I have kids and a cat now. The latter 2 can be overcome with time, patience and understanding - all of which I learned from my previous posts and links or other posters kindly posted. The renting one is not an issue.

Now it is actually on the table and it comes down t to whether it is fair or not on my DH on whether to take Bella.

I'm sorry you feel I'm posting too much about it but it's really helped me think things through and i didn't think this question belonged there.

OP posts:

Alittlepotofrosie · 06/09/2017 10:47

You took on his cat, he should be prepared to take on your dog. Pls he had said ok so take him at his word. The dog won't have too many years left anyway.

Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 10:48

But peach if you had a much loved animal before you met your dh would you re home that pet? Really?

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