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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

527 replies

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 09:48

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

OP posts:
Original poster
butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 11:52

*opinions

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 06/09/2017 11:56

I'm not a dog person. I love having cats and I had a dog growing up, but I have no desire for the work involved in looking after a dog. But in these circumstances, knowing it probably won't be for a long time, a very short time according to the likely life-span for a pet dog, I would accept that it's the right thing to do. I wouldn't say I'd miraculously become a dog lover, but I'd help care for her and when the time came I'd comfort him when she had to be PTS.

That's what my DH did for me with my cat.

peachgreen · 06/09/2017 11:59

You clearly have no idea what dogs and cats can possibly mean to their owners

Hmm

OP didn't see the dog for 6 years. Hardly a strong attachment.

GahBuggerit · 06/09/2017 12:02

Dont worry about the past OP, she had a good home with your Ex and it doesnt matter that you've not seen her for 6 years. Im sure she'll remember you and like I say I bet when your DH sees her and your reaction to her he'll be even less grudging about the situation. Especially if you remind him that if it wasn't for you accepting his cat, you wouldn't be together now.

Also point out to him what people on both sides of the argument have said on this thread - Its a question of respect and consideration for the other persons feelings, and for me your reasons and feelings trump his grumpy arse ones that he'll get over. You may never get over not helping her, I know IIWM I'd probably never respect my DH again if he point blank refused something like this and that would put a huge strain on our relationship.

SoPassRemarkable · 06/09/2017 12:10

I would say no if your dh had an allergy, a total phobia or if it was a brand new dog.

But in the circumstances I do think it would be mean of anyone to say no....thankfully the OPs dh even though not keen hasn't said no.

hairylegsdontcare · 06/09/2017 12:15

I see both sides of this. My DH dearly wants a dog, but I hate them and am quite frightened of them. There is absolutely no way I'd want one in my house and I'd seriously struggle to live with one.

That said, I love cats, and my life would be poorer if I couldn't have one ever again on account of DH not wanting one. I had our cat before we met so he had no choice.

This sounds like an impasse, unfortunately. Sad but please don't force his hand by bringing the dog in regardless- that will make him uncomfortable in his own home and your relationship will probably suffer.

diddl · 06/09/2017 12:25

How come your ex kept the dog?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 06/09/2017 12:25

You took on his cat.

He takes on your dog.

No question.

MrMessy · 06/09/2017 12:43

I'm always weary of people that don't like dogs. And I am wary of dogs, full stop. Having been badly bitten by one as a child. If that makes me a horrible person then so be it.

You took on his cat.

He takes on your dog.

No question.

I don't think the situations are the same. The DH had a cat living with him full time who he was responsible for at the time he met the OP. The OP did not have any pets at the time they met, as the dog was with her ex and by her own admission she did not see the dog for six years. If the OP had had the dog living with her, the DH would have had a chance to think about whether living with a dog was a deal breaker or not right at the beginning of the relationship, just as the OP did about the cat. But to be presented with the prospect of a dog all these years later, once the two had set up home and had a family together, I don't think it is the same scenario.

Tazerface · 06/09/2017 12:53

How is taking on a cat right from the get go of a relationship in anyway comparable to taking on a dog that OP hasn't seen for 6 years? So OP really has no idea how gentle this dog is round children as it's never been round them presumably?

I would consider it the dog or me of my husband put me in this situation. Extreme maybe but I don't want to share my house with an animal, especially one that is moving on to being elderly so could quite quickly become ill and need expensive vet care. I would feel resentful every time I was asked to do anything to do with the dog and angry with DH for making me feel like a horrible person for forcing me to look after a living creature that I don't care for.

BuckinhamL · 06/09/2017 13:01

I would feel resentful every time I was asked to do anything to do with the dog and angry with DH for making me feel like a horrible person for forcing me to look after a living creature that I don't care for.

I had this with DW's pets (not dogs). If you do go ahead and get an animal that your partner is, at best, ambivalent about, you should not under any circumstances think that you can dump any of the care for that animal or animals onto them. It should be 100% your responsibility, rain or shine. If it ends up too much work, tough.

Dinosaurgalore · 06/09/2017 13:01

Yabu, it isn't the same as his cat who he lived with to a dog that you haven't seen for 6 years.

I don't like dogs, I don't want a dog and if dh expected me to suddenly look after a dog that he hasn't seen for 6 years and dumped with his ex I would say no. And id be pretty pissed off if he then ignored my feelings and did it anyway

Mittens1969 · 06/09/2017 13:10

It's not as if the DH is allergic, unlike my DH, I wouldn't be able to do this to him (not that I would want to). I would suggest the OP could have Bella back on a trial basis? If it doesn't work she would have to be rehomed or go back to the kennels.

One thing to think about: my DSis's dog was elderly and grumpy when they had their family. They had a DS who was a very excitable toddler and the dog snarled at him sometimes. They therefore had to have her PTS because she was too frail to be rehomed. Bella isn't used to children by all accounts.

It's a decision not to be taken lightly.

Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 13:27

peach yes that was a bit of a drip feed I agree.

Still think the op owes it to the dog. Even more so now to be honest

futuremrsconnor85 · 06/09/2017 13:28

As someone who is afraid of/doesn't like dogs (childhood stuff) and who is surrounded by people who love them and therefore I have to spend time with dogs, I have to take the side of your DH. It would be unreasonable for someone who didn't want a dog to be forced to live with one. Personally, I wouldn't be able to relax in my own home if this happened. Dog people think people who don't like dogs are crazy or unloving and frankly it isn't fair...maybe he's a cat person. I know I am! Whilst I'm sure the dog is lovely , your DH is only doing this to make you happy. I think he's being reasonable tbh. However it sounds like you are sold on this, so if you do take it in be considerate of your DH and be prepared to do everything for the dog yourself.

MissDuke · 06/09/2017 13:29

Butterfly, just to clarify that I wasn't getting at you for not seeing the dog, that is totally your right. I was just responding to posters who insinuate that you and Bella are best friends that shouldn't be separated by mean dh. That simply isn't the case here.

mydogisthebest · 06/09/2017 13:37

I know if I were in your shoes I would take the dog. She was your dog, your baby and you can't just give up on her. She is 12 so, not being nasty, is not going to be around for years and years.

Personally I could never be with someone who doesn't like dogs or cats

Floralnomad · 06/09/2017 13:37

It's not a case of you take on his cat he takes your dog as when you got together you didn't have a dog . I don't think you should take the dog , and I say that as a dog owner . You have not lived with / had contact with this dog for 6 years , you really have no idea how she will behave in a house with small children and a cat and have the added problem of a partner who doesn't like dogs .

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 13:40

I completely understand about what you are saying about me not seeing her for 6 years.

The way I am looking at it is that Bella has only 2 people in this world who are emotionally invested in her.

My ex now can't have her so i feel it comes down to me. Whether I've been continually in her life for the past few years or not.

No one else is interested in her wellbeing.

Rehoming to someone else would be extremely difficult. If I could find someone Bella would still have to stay in kennels for however long until that happens.

OP posts:
Sisinisawa · 06/09/2017 13:41

Ywbvvu to take the dog.

I'm like your DH. I don't like dogs. They're smelly. They shed fur everywhere. They have to be taken to Poo and you have to pick that Poo up. They slobber.

If my DH took in a dog against my wishes I would immediately take it to a shelter.

skiploom · 06/09/2017 13:42

I'm in your DH's situation - I relented and took the animal in as his ex suddenly dumped it on us. It's proving to be bloody immortal and it's been years. I hate it. I have since had a complete breakdown and now my marriage is seriously in trouble.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 13:42

I would not be deciding one day that she was suddenly going to live with us. I would have everyone getting to know her first to see how that goes. Hence the visit tonight.

OP posts:
FluttershysCutieMark · 06/09/2017 13:45

Personally I don't think the cat situation is relevant. OP said herself that her DH already had the cat when they got together, he didn't just come home one day with a new cat. OP was aware of the cat when she got together with her DH, she had a choice to stay! This situation is entirely different, OP didn't have a dog when she met DH, she USED to have a dog with her ex, but she left said dog behind.

I really want a dog, DW doesn't. You can bet your arse that if I brought a dog home one day, totally ignoring DW feeling and she posted about it on MN I would get ripped to shreds, probably by the same people supporting the OP.

mydogisthebest · 06/09/2017 13:49

Why do posters keep saying "If my OH brought home A dog blah blah"? It's not A dog it the OP's dog. One she took responsibility for when she got her.

As to it not being fair to her OH is he being fair to her? It was HER dog, HER responsibility does that mean nothing to him? Would he think it ok if she had to be pts because no other home could be found? If that were my OH and he thought that ok I would be leaving him. Disgusting attitude

Oh and Sisinisawa not all dogs moult (mine doesn't) nor do all dogs slobber. You sound like a lovely person

Lovingmybear2 · 06/09/2017 13:50

Good luck op. Hope all goes well.

skip are you blaming an animal for your breakdown and marriage troubles? Really?