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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

On a different table from my OH at a wedding. What do people think about this?

135 replies

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 22:08

This isn't so much an AIBU, as my reaction / feelings about this aren't those of your "average" person. I'm just curious to know what others think about this, if they'd be annoyed, or see it as no big deal.

To give some context, I'm a super-anxious person, particularly around social anxiety. I am useless at small-talk, and find situations where i have to chat to people I don't now well / at all really stressful and pretty excruciating. I'm better than I used to be, but will always find these situations very difficult.

Six of us went to a wedding abroad at the weekend. The groom is friends with my OH and his two best friends. I know the groom, and he is lovely. Don't know his new wife well at all, but she is also lovely. They'll have an idea that I can be a bit nervous, but certainly would have no clue of the real level of my anxiety.

Before the reception, I'd been chatting to the other partners, and we'd talked of how we hoped they wouldn't split us up. I said how I really disliked weddings where they put everyone next to someone they don't know so they'll mingle. I get it, but I hate it.

Heading into the reception, we see that I've been sat on a different table to my OH. So, one the the English couples on each table (though not sat together), with me on the same table as one couple, and my OH on the table with the other couple. The only other couple not sat on the same table as each other were the ones that we'd been "swapped" with. I immediately started to get stressed, I actually have a physical reaction in this situation, sweaty palms, racing heart and i go a LOVELY shade of purple. OH was in the loo at the time so i went searching for him, and when I came back my friend had sorted it (by getting the women sat in "my" seat to move to the table that her husband was on). So, all fine. I spent the dinner sat next to a stranger but it was fine as it could be, as I had a friend on the other side of me and my OH just across from me for reassurance.

The logic must have been three English on each table. I kind of get that. But as I said, I know my reaction (so swapping seats) was very much influenced by my wider anxiety issues. What would other people have thought / done about this? Would it have been a more "normal"reaction to think it was absolutely fine and not question the seating plan had been done in that way?

(and in case people are wondering, I do lots of stuff on my own without my DH, I've backpacked alone, but my anxiety is always there, bubbling under the surface, so my reactions, as I said, aren't always rational!)

OP posts:
Mummyme1987 · 05/09/2017 22:10

I think it's rude not to put partners together. Weird to be honest.

QueenMortificado · 05/09/2017 22:11

I love being sat with random people at weddings because the b&g have always put thought in to it so I've been with really fun / nice / likeminded people. So I'd be happy with this but can see that not everyone would be.

I don't think, however, that this level of anxiety is normal - could you seek some help to address your anxiety issues?

emsyj37 · 05/09/2017 22:12

I would think it was a bit silly but would go along with it, say nothing and drink a lot of wine to oil the wheels. I think swapping seats is rude when there is a formal seating plan.

readingintherain · 05/09/2017 22:12

I am not prone to anxiety but I wouldn't like this. YANBU.

AChickenCalledKorma · 05/09/2017 22:13

I've never been at a different table from my husband at an event with a seating plan and I'd have done the same as you.

RhubardGin · 05/09/2017 22:13

Unless he needs to be at the top table, it's really rude and frankly weird to have couples sitting apart.

Have you tried to get help for your social anxiety OP?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/09/2017 22:13

Are you getting help for your anxiety at the moment?

I'd roll my eyes and think it was stupid and annoying but I wouldn't move or vocalise it to the organisers.

BackieJerkhart · 05/09/2017 22:14

I think it's really bad form to separate couples at a wedding.

ijustwannadance · 05/09/2017 22:14

I don't understand why you weren't sat next to your OH in the first place. Stupid seating plan.

Fitzsimmons · 05/09/2017 22:14

I think the bride and groom were quite rude to split some couples up and not others, regardless of your anxiety. As someone who also suffers, you have my sympathies.

BackieJerkhart · 05/09/2017 22:14

I would have asked to swap with the other couple who were separated.

NachoAddict · 05/09/2017 22:14

Of the other couples were sat together I would have thought it was a mix up.

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 22:15

Queen, many thing have been tried over the years, and I'm MUCH better than I have been, but I think it's just "me". It's not that often I experience a really physical manifestation, but it's something I'll always be prone too :(

OP posts:
Hassled · 05/09/2017 22:15

I can be a bit socially awkward but don't really lack confidence in that sort of situation - I can make small talk with strangers quite happily. But despite that I think I'd have been a bit thrown in those circumstances - somehow being overseas, so a strange environment as well as strange people, makes it feel worse. It sounds like you did really well in a horrible situation. And while I can sort of see the logic of the hosts, they weren't really taking the feelings of the guests into account - I think that set up would have bothered lots of people.

ElizabethShaw · 05/09/2017 22:16

I'd be annoyed but get on with it - really, who wants to have dinner with strangers? Even if you are not anxious about it, its an irritating thing for the hosts to do.

Witsender · 05/09/2017 22:16

A little odd, but not rude per se.

defineme · 05/09/2017 22:16

20 years later my bridesmaid and I still laugh that her boyfriend (now husband ) was on the top table with us, but I stand by my decision because why on earth wouldn't you want your partner near you?

ChasedByBees · 05/09/2017 22:16

Personally I'd like to enjoy a wedding with my partner. Having to make small talk with new people might feel like a work networking thing for me.

As the B&G, I wouldn't mind if people swapped back, but the. I wouldn't split people up on purpose anyway.

OnlyRose · 05/09/2017 22:17

I'm very socially anxious and would have hated this. I'd have swapped too, and if I hadn't been able to I would have spent a lot of time panic-crying in the toilets.

troodiedoo · 05/09/2017 22:17

It's rude to sit you apart, but also rude to swap places. I kind of feel that two wrongs make a right on this occasion.

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 22:18

nacho no, it wasn't a mix up. think it was just splitting the Brits down the middle!

OP posts:
Lucked · 05/09/2017 22:19

Do you have the same surname as your partner, I wonder what f he bride whom you don't want rally know got confused about the couples?

Merida83 · 05/09/2017 22:21

Only time I'd think it acceptable to mot seat a couple together at a wedding reception woukd be if one if them was at the top table. Otherwise it's just rude. Cannot understand why you would split a couple up.
I don't have any serious anxieties but I'd of hated that set up and situation!

PerUnaStubbs · 05/09/2017 22:21

I would expect to be on the same table as my partner but not next to him - I'm much more likely to chat merrily about nothing to someone I don't know. DP and I would probably sit there in companionable silence rather than making animated small talk about the table decorations, which isn't what the B&G want, I guess.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 05/09/2017 22:21

I would have thought weddings should be one place where it's ok for everyone to be with their husband/wife because that's what it's all about. The right wedding can feel quite romantic even to long-married couples Smile