Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

On a different table from my OH at a wedding. What do people think about this?

135 replies

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 22:08

This isn't so much an AIBU, as my reaction / feelings about this aren't those of your "average" person. I'm just curious to know what others think about this, if they'd be annoyed, or see it as no big deal.

To give some context, I'm a super-anxious person, particularly around social anxiety. I am useless at small-talk, and find situations where i have to chat to people I don't now well / at all really stressful and pretty excruciating. I'm better than I used to be, but will always find these situations very difficult.

Six of us went to a wedding abroad at the weekend. The groom is friends with my OH and his two best friends. I know the groom, and he is lovely. Don't know his new wife well at all, but she is also lovely. They'll have an idea that I can be a bit nervous, but certainly would have no clue of the real level of my anxiety.

Before the reception, I'd been chatting to the other partners, and we'd talked of how we hoped they wouldn't split us up. I said how I really disliked weddings where they put everyone next to someone they don't know so they'll mingle. I get it, but I hate it.

Heading into the reception, we see that I've been sat on a different table to my OH. So, one the the English couples on each table (though not sat together), with me on the same table as one couple, and my OH on the table with the other couple. The only other couple not sat on the same table as each other were the ones that we'd been "swapped" with. I immediately started to get stressed, I actually have a physical reaction in this situation, sweaty palms, racing heart and i go a LOVELY shade of purple. OH was in the loo at the time so i went searching for him, and when I came back my friend had sorted it (by getting the women sat in "my" seat to move to the table that her husband was on). So, all fine. I spent the dinner sat next to a stranger but it was fine as it could be, as I had a friend on the other side of me and my OH just across from me for reassurance.

The logic must have been three English on each table. I kind of get that. But as I said, I know my reaction (so swapping seats) was very much influenced by my wider anxiety issues. What would other people have thought / done about this? Would it have been a more "normal"reaction to think it was absolutely fine and not question the seating plan had been done in that way?

(and in case people are wondering, I do lots of stuff on my own without my DH, I've backpacked alone, but my anxiety is always there, bubbling under the surface, so my reactions, as I said, aren't always rational!)

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 05/09/2017 22:21

If I'm spending my time and money celebrating my friends' life choices then I would hope that they want me to enjoy the occasion.

I don't think YABU. I'm ok talking to strangers, but I wouldn't want to spend a whole sit down meal making polite chit chat. Why would a couple want that at their wedding celebration?

Pigface1 · 05/09/2017 22:22

I have a lot of sympathy with you actually. I was recently sat apart from my DH at a wedding - at a totally different table and surrounded by strangers. The strangers were all perfectly nice people but I found it really stressful and exhausting to be constantly entertaining and outgoing for 2 hours without any social 'support'. To be honest I didn't enjoy the wedding much as a result and was totally shattered by the end of the meal.

I really don't understand why couples do this.

So to answer your question I wouldn't have reacted as you did - but I entirely understand why you weren't happy about it.

Xmasbaby11 · 05/09/2017 22:22

I wouldn't like that at all. And I'm not at all socially anxious.

Sounds like an unnecessarily stressful event for you.

Crispmonster1 · 05/09/2017 22:22

I would have swapped as you did. I'm not anxious but if I had gone to the trouble of going I would definetly want to be with my OH. Especially as he looks very handsome in a suit!

MrsDrSpencerReid · 05/09/2017 22:22

We had to seat BIL and SIL separate.

BIL was in the bridal party so sat at bridal table, SIL had their baby in a pram and the venue specified where she would need to sit due to OHS/Fire Safety rules, so the pram was out of the way.
They were upset that she wasn't seated with the rest of the family but there was literally nowhere else the pram could go. There were still people she knew on the table

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 22:23

Lucked no it was definitely a conscious choice.
I'm not implying that the bride and groom are being rude at all, the rational half of me gets it, but the irrational side of me couldn't deal with it!

OP posts:
coddiwomple · 05/09/2017 22:25

how very strange.

It is standard not to be seated next to your partner, unless you are engaged or newlyweds, but you are still at the same table! I wouldn't even split couples to put one at the top table frankly, I have very rarely seen it, it's not great.

I normally find swapping a formal seating plan very rude, but on this occasion, where you just ended up with 2 couples sitting at the same table instead of being split up, I can't really be negative.

Very odd seating plan! (not very kind either)

BabsGanoush · 05/09/2017 22:26

Its Ok splitting couples if they know most people, even if it's great aunt Sybil and cousin Freddy from Australia, but to split people who are unlikely to know the majority of the guests is off, especially if it's for some silly reason as in this case.

I too, hate gatherings, and if we go out in groups I have learnt to gravitate towards the chatty ones as it saves me having to make conversation as they do all the work.

kali110 · 05/09/2017 22:26

I have anxiety, we were split up before we just got on with it.
My dh barely knew anyone either.

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 22:27

Pigface yep I find sitting next to strangers really tiring, so I just need t know that DH is there for me to look to if it starts getting too much, to take the pressure off.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 05/09/2017 22:28

I'd hate that really, and I like mingling. A meal is a long time, no-one wants to be 'on' for the whole meal making small talk with strangers... and it's often easier to do the mingling and chit chat as a couple anyway. Pretty boring and stressful way to spend the reception meal even if you are good at that kind of thing.

crispsahoy · 05/09/2017 22:28

This would stress me out. I would probably have a similar reaction to you op.
I don't get why they would split a couple unless one was to be on the top table. I would assume then you would have some warning before hand to get used to it.

MsMarvel · 05/09/2017 22:29

I would struggle massively with this, but I do also have social anxiety issues.

If it couldn't be resolved, I would probably skip the dinner rather than sit at the table without my dp.

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2017 22:30

I find this very weird. Splitting a couple at the table, so they are not right next to each other, fine, but putting them on Seperate tables, that's not ok. I don't have anxiety but I'd think this was quite rude.

purpleflower23 · 05/09/2017 22:31

God I HATE when ppl do this... as a fellow sufferer of social anxiety, I really feel for you OP. We went to a wedding recently where partners were split up (but still on the same table) so I was in between 2 men I'd never met before. I vaguely knew one other woman on the table (who was sat with her 2 week old baby & I'd just had my 2nd miscarriage so didn't really feel like socialising with her...) but nobody else. I just swapped the labels around and sat next to my DH. Everyone else on the table then followed suit as they wanted to sit with their OHs too! Why the bloody hell do ppl do this at weddings?!

Flyinggeese · 05/09/2017 22:32

I've had this when my partner has a been best man and therefore not the top table. It was absolutely fine by me and I generally don't need to stick by him at social events (appreciate if you get anxiety that's a totally different thing).

However I do think it was unusual for the bride and groom to do what they did at the wedding you attended.

I'd have been OK with it, but as I say, found it unusual. However the meal is only a small part of the whole event so it would't be a big deal.

Hulder · 05/09/2017 22:34

I went to a wedding like this. B & G OK we knew it was the G's idea thought it would be fun for people to sit separately and get to know other people.

I have anxiety, didn't want to sit away from my DH. MIL and FIL were at same wedding - FIL had early dementia, had been seated away from MIL, couldn't cope.

And that was just from us. We all swapped. Looking around the venue, a lot of swapping was going on. I would imagine lots of people had reasons they would rather sit together - anxiety is pretty common after all, lots of people go to weddings to catch up with old friends not make painful small talk with strangers, other health problems that are hidden like my FIL's and so on...

Bloody awful idea is splitting couples up.

honeysucklejasmine · 05/09/2017 22:36

We mixed guests up a bit where we had a huge group who all knew each other, but we didn't separate couples and made sure there were at least 3 other people on the table any given person would know, including their partner.

I would hate not to be sat next to my husband.

Nomorechickens · 05/09/2017 22:37

I would have been livid and it would have ruined the whole day for me. In these circumstances swapping the place cards around is the correct thing to do. In fact MiL and her sisters would always sneak into the room and rearrange the place settings to suit themselves

Mittens1969 · 05/09/2017 22:39

It's just really odd, why would you do that? I remember doing the seating plan for our wedding, I spent ages trying to place guests with people they would feel comfortable with. It would never have crossed my mind to separate couples.

BannedFromNarnia · 05/09/2017 22:40

It's very much against the norm and kind of weird. The only reason to split a couple at a wedding is if one is in the wedding party and on the top table - but even then you'd make sure that the other half was in a table with people they knew well, and if they couldn't be arranged, introduce them to the other people in their table beforehand - eg at the hen do or stag do, or have a bridesmaid/usher do it at the registry office or drinks reception.

sadeyedladyofthelowlands63 · 05/09/2017 22:41

I think it is very weird to split up couples to the extent that they ae on separate tables. I don't think they were being rude, just clueless and weird.

user1471495191 · 05/09/2017 22:41

We mixed families but kept partners together and aimed for a 50/50 split between people guests knew and people they didn't. The best mans GF didn't know anyone else at the wedding so we arranged for her to sit alongside him at the top table. I like meeting new people and would describe myself as confident but wouldn't want to be split up from my husband on entirely different tables.

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 22:42

Thanks all. I'm glad to hear lots of people would have swapped places too! I did actually really enjoy myself, once the "blip" had been sorted and I had my DH close enough, I could relax more. The wine flowing meant that I was able to chat to lots of people as the night went on! The wedding was lovely overall :)

OP posts:
greendale17 · 05/09/2017 22:43

I think it is odd. Saying that I have never been at a wedding where couples have been split up

Swipe left for the next trending thread