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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

On a different table from my OH at a wedding. What do people think about this?

135 replies

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 22:08

This isn't so much an AIBU, as my reaction / feelings about this aren't those of your "average" person. I'm just curious to know what others think about this, if they'd be annoyed, or see it as no big deal.

To give some context, I'm a super-anxious person, particularly around social anxiety. I am useless at small-talk, and find situations where i have to chat to people I don't now well / at all really stressful and pretty excruciating. I'm better than I used to be, but will always find these situations very difficult.

Six of us went to a wedding abroad at the weekend. The groom is friends with my OH and his two best friends. I know the groom, and he is lovely. Don't know his new wife well at all, but she is also lovely. They'll have an idea that I can be a bit nervous, but certainly would have no clue of the real level of my anxiety.

Before the reception, I'd been chatting to the other partners, and we'd talked of how we hoped they wouldn't split us up. I said how I really disliked weddings where they put everyone next to someone they don't know so they'll mingle. I get it, but I hate it.

Heading into the reception, we see that I've been sat on a different table to my OH. So, one the the English couples on each table (though not sat together), with me on the same table as one couple, and my OH on the table with the other couple. The only other couple not sat on the same table as each other were the ones that we'd been "swapped" with. I immediately started to get stressed, I actually have a physical reaction in this situation, sweaty palms, racing heart and i go a LOVELY shade of purple. OH was in the loo at the time so i went searching for him, and when I came back my friend had sorted it (by getting the women sat in "my" seat to move to the table that her husband was on). So, all fine. I spent the dinner sat next to a stranger but it was fine as it could be, as I had a friend on the other side of me and my OH just across from me for reassurance.

The logic must have been three English on each table. I kind of get that. But as I said, I know my reaction (so swapping seats) was very much influenced by my wider anxiety issues. What would other people have thought / done about this? Would it have been a more "normal"reaction to think it was absolutely fine and not question the seating plan had been done in that way?

(and in case people are wondering, I do lots of stuff on my own without my DH, I've backpacked alone, but my anxiety is always there, bubbling under the surface, so my reactions, as I said, aren't always rational!)

OP posts:
5foot5 · 05/09/2017 22:43

When I was younger I would have struggled with this. These days I am much more at ease in social situations and would have been able to cope.

However I would not have been very impressed with these seating arrangements and would have enjoyed it much more if DH was on the same table.

Really odd thing to do.

balsamicbarbara · 05/09/2017 22:44

I've been to many weddings over the years and have never been to one where this sort of nonsense occurred. Strikes me as very weird so YANBU

Partypolitics99 · 05/09/2017 22:46

When DH and I to a wedding more often then not we have arranged babysitters and are looking forward to spending the day together as a couple. I would not be happy at all if we were sat apart.

Leavingonajet · 05/09/2017 22:46

The only that has happened to me was when my DH was a best man and I was carefully put with the friends I knew. I Don't much enjoy small talk and wouldn't like a whole night of it if I was expecting my DH to be around with me. Obviously you talk to others on the table but why make it harder than it needs to be !

Doobigetta · 05/09/2017 22:48

It's weird, I'd never sit couples apart. All of our wedding party will sit with their partners, as will all of our guests. We're also grouping couples together to make sure they're with people they know wherever possible, and the same with single people. I want people to relax, have a good time, and catch up with friends and family- not feel they're performing at a social skills exhibition.

KERALA1 · 05/09/2017 22:57

It is odd but I would be wanting to try to address your issues what if you and your dh split up or something happened to him? Abit worrying to have such an extreme reaction to not being near your dh. How does he feel about it? It would suffocate being with someone so utterly reliant on me.

Acromantula · 05/09/2017 23:02

I am an introvert, am partially deaf and have terrible anxiety. I would hate to be in this situation and would actually consider leaving early rather than sitting on my own. I wear hearing aids but I find it hard enough to communicate with people who know this and know me, rather than people I have never met before.

PoppyPopcorn · 05/09/2017 23:02

This is a very weird thing to do - is it common in whichever country the bride is from?

I've been to weddings in France, Germany and Switzerland and have always been on the same table as my partner - often not directly next to him, but always on the same table. I am quite outgoing and do not mind chatting at all and he's the same.

I do think chatting to people in social situations is a learned skill, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Being so anxious that you need your DH next to you at all times is a bit weird and must be stifling for him too.

caoraich · 05/09/2017 23:05

Eeep! The only time I've been separated from DP at a wedding is when he was at the top table. The B&G were nice though and put all the partners of the top table people (ushers/BMs) on a table together nearby. Otherwise it would have been a top table of 20!

DP and I would both be a bit bewildered at being separated, especially if we knew few people. I'd have reacted the same as you. I'm all for mixing friend groups up- a few of the bride's friends plus partners with the groom's cousins plus partners etc., but this seems a bit bizarre.

I'm sure the B&G wouldn't have noticed that you did a wee swap- they'll have had a lot more to think about!

GreenTulips · 05/09/2017 23:08

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest - I see DH all the time and dinner is only an hour.

venys · 05/09/2017 23:10

I don't have social anxieties but I am not really a fan of weddings - I find them a bit contrived..So I hate having to chit chat with strangers at the table even WITH OH there is a Chore. Especially when it's noisy. I think it is because you are stuck with them through the whole meal and speeches. So definitely YANBU on swapping seats. One of the worst weddings I went to was one where OH was best man to a wedding I didn't even agree with. He was at top table and I was with strangers. Not even on the same table as anyone I knew. I walked out for various reasons (including seat placement) and went home. The marriage didnt end well either.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/09/2017 23:12

I do not like people that I don't know,talking to them is a huge stressful chore, so I would just leave, I attend social events to have fun or at minimum a pleasant time so unless you are my great aunt Tabitha or I have some other duty reason to shut up and put up then I won't.

But everybody who would invite me anywhere knows this and given that I'm mostly pleasant but incredibly odd it rarely happens

starsinyourpies · 05/09/2017 23:13

Had this. DH and I at opposite ends of the room from each other, with 3 month old baby. Least relaxing meal ever!!

SalamiSandwich · 05/09/2017 23:13

How odd, I would hate it.

I like to catch up with friends I don't see very often at weddings, and spend some time with my DH. I would hate to be sat with people I don't know. You can't force people to become friends or make conversation. Surely as hosts you should be making guests comfortable.

Giraffey1 · 05/09/2017 23:17

I've never understand the urge to split partners up at weddings, just seems plain daft to me. It didn't even occur to me that this was a 'thing' until reading threads like this. I bent over backwards not to split people up and group people together who I thought would get on at ou wedding.

You ANBU at all, OP!

GreenTulips · 05/09/2017 23:17

Makes me wonder how some people ever make new friends/make friends in the first place

These people aren't random strangers they are your friends friends and family -

Bridezilla2be · 05/09/2017 23:19

YANBU at all, I would have swapped and still found it stressful with DH if I didn't know many people there!

How did you know it wasn't an error? Many of my guests thought I had done this but no, it was just my useless venue unable to follow an extremely clear table plan, backed up by a diagram! Made me cringe that so many couples were split...

venys · 05/09/2017 23:21

No they are the B&Gs friends and family. You don't necessarily know everyone else and you might not have anything in common with the people you are sitting with. You make friends through common interests / scenarios.

onceandneveragain · 05/09/2017 23:21

I would find this weird.

Out of interest, you say you and the other two couples were the only British ones - does that mean everyone else spoke a different language or were they just non British but still English speaking?

If they weren't English speaking then it's even weirder to split not only you and dp up but you and the only other two English speaking couples.

Oncewaswho · 05/09/2017 23:26

I'd be absolutely fine with this, and wouldn't dream of swapping, but I agree that it's a risky strategy as a lot of people wouldn't like it. I suffer with anxiety so I do know what that feels like, but this situation is not a trigger for me at all, I love meeting and chatting with new people.

Partypolitics99 · 05/09/2017 23:30

I don't think many people go to weddings with the aim of making friends do they?
I have been to many a wedding were I only know a few people.
People like to relax at weddings and to try and have a good time not to make conversation with people they have never met before

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 23:31

There's an interesting mix of opinions on here. Lots of people saying that of course they'd hate to be separated from their partners, but then the views that my DH must feel suffocated by me needing him so close. I accept that my DH probably needs to be more mindful than some other partners may need to be, when we are in social situations, but everyone has their quirks which their partners have accepted come as part of the package and this, sadly, is mine. I'm not joined at the hip to him, I'm not completely reliant on him at all times (as I explained in my OP), but yes in a situation where I know very few people and "chit chat" is the order of the day, having him close helps to get me through. Had I been sat at a table full of people I know well, I'd have been fine without him there, though would still have been a bit Confused at being not sat with him!

OP posts:
TooManyBigFatLies · 05/09/2017 23:32

It wouldn't bother me at all but I'm not the OP 🤷🏻‍♀️ Perhaps the bride and groom had heard the OP had been backpacking without her DP so we're thinking she was the type of person who would mind being on a different table than her DP. IYSWIM

I suppose it's a bit of an odd thing to do but I don't think it's rude. It's not a group of random people. They all have a common connection as they are all friends and family of the bride and groom.

OP, how big was the wedding and how far away was your DH? Was he 'just' a table or so away or was he right at the opposite end of a huge room?

Flyinggeese · 05/09/2017 23:32

Oncewas whilst I think the situation is unusual I feel exactly the same as you on the matter.

Perhaps the problem is more the social anxiety for OP and so many others. It must be very difficult. I get anxiety myself but not social situation related.

TatianaLarina · 05/09/2017 23:34

I think it's very odd to split couples, but I don't think it's standard to have that kind of reaction. Your anxiety sounds quite bad - I think you need help with it.