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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

On a different table from my OH at a wedding. What do people think about this?

135 replies

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 22:08

This isn't so much an AIBU, as my reaction / feelings about this aren't those of your "average" person. I'm just curious to know what others think about this, if they'd be annoyed, or see it as no big deal.

To give some context, I'm a super-anxious person, particularly around social anxiety. I am useless at small-talk, and find situations where i have to chat to people I don't now well / at all really stressful and pretty excruciating. I'm better than I used to be, but will always find these situations very difficult.

Six of us went to a wedding abroad at the weekend. The groom is friends with my OH and his two best friends. I know the groom, and he is lovely. Don't know his new wife well at all, but she is also lovely. They'll have an idea that I can be a bit nervous, but certainly would have no clue of the real level of my anxiety.

Before the reception, I'd been chatting to the other partners, and we'd talked of how we hoped they wouldn't split us up. I said how I really disliked weddings where they put everyone next to someone they don't know so they'll mingle. I get it, but I hate it.

Heading into the reception, we see that I've been sat on a different table to my OH. So, one the the English couples on each table (though not sat together), with me on the same table as one couple, and my OH on the table with the other couple. The only other couple not sat on the same table as each other were the ones that we'd been "swapped" with. I immediately started to get stressed, I actually have a physical reaction in this situation, sweaty palms, racing heart and i go a LOVELY shade of purple. OH was in the loo at the time so i went searching for him, and when I came back my friend had sorted it (by getting the women sat in "my" seat to move to the table that her husband was on). So, all fine. I spent the dinner sat next to a stranger but it was fine as it could be, as I had a friend on the other side of me and my OH just across from me for reassurance.

The logic must have been three English on each table. I kind of get that. But as I said, I know my reaction (so swapping seats) was very much influenced by my wider anxiety issues. What would other people have thought / done about this? Would it have been a more "normal"reaction to think it was absolutely fine and not question the seating plan had been done in that way?

(and in case people are wondering, I do lots of stuff on my own without my DH, I've backpacked alone, but my anxiety is always there, bubbling under the surface, so my reactions, as I said, aren't always rational!)

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 06/09/2017 09:55

People are horrible about mental health. And think it's easy to get over. I hope they never get struck with it. Or maybe I do, so they can finally have an inkling of what we go through.

Yes. It's still always 'why don't you get help to stop your anxiety?'. The problem is that there's not always help at the moment, MH service provision is terrible. Also, it doesn't already work.
I have some social anxiety, but you wouldn't know it by talking to me. I'm also slightly introverted by nature.
I just don't understand why splitting couples up is 'a thing'. Is it some kind of social experiment?

CockacidalManiac · 06/09/2017 09:57

Also, it doesn't already work.

I meant doesn't always work

noeffingidea · 06/09/2017 10:25

I've never been to a wedding where I wasn't able to sit next to my OH and our children, apart from once when I was on the top table as a bridesmaid. I wouldn't be very happy if I was made to sit next to a stranger. While I don't have social anxiety I am not very good at making small talk and find it a bit pointless really, and certainly not enjoyable at all. I think that kind of thing only works if at least one person is extroverted and good at making and carrying a conversation. If everyone is a bit shy and quiet then it just ends up being awkward.

thecatsthecats · 06/09/2017 10:32

I would loathe this. I have no problem with chatting to strangers, I just don't like it at a wedding. I've already given up my time to be there (usually a full weekend), so I'd like to see my actual friends or family in respect of that.

My friends are scattered to the four corners of the country and in different social groups (genuinely trying to figure out how I have so many when I'm a grumpy as fuck introvert). I spend so much time between them all that I have no room for new people I'm not going to meet again.

Branleuse · 06/09/2017 10:33

Id be really fucked off at being seated away from my partner and with strangers after paying out to attend someones shitty wedding

Lonoxo · 06/09/2017 10:34

Haven't read through the thread. It's not right to split up couples unless one of them was in the wedding party so all bridesmaids and groom men's on a table. Who you have on a table is such an important element in whether you enjoy a wedding or not. That said, I do have some sympathy for the b and g. Table planning can be a headache and there's always a couple or a few people that are difficult to assign seats to.

PollyFlint · 06/09/2017 10:40

Regardless of social anxiety, if you're planning a wedding or any other sit-down occasion, just remember that plenty of people will simply have a really shit time if they have to spend the evening/afternoon making polite chit-chat with someone they've never met. There doesn't have to be any anxiety as such - a lot of people just find it really draining and awkward would simply rather relax rather than feeling like they're at a corporate networking event rather than a wedding.

CurbsideProphet · 06/09/2017 10:48

How on earth is it bad form to have couples sat next to each other? We have made the effort to attend your special day in our precious free time. Why would we want to spend it making conversation with people we will never see again? By that logic the bride and groom shouldn't be sat next to each other Confused

Dahlietta · 06/09/2017 10:50

One of the things I hate most about weddings is seating plans. I feel like I'm back at school and the rebellious teenager in me starts to resurface Grin - swapping around without permission? Good work, OP.

maddiemookins16mum · 06/09/2017 11:03

We sat couples across from each other at our wedding (there were only 8 to a table). I'd never have put couples on different tables.

CheerfulMuddler · 06/09/2017 11:05

I think generally I'd want couples to sit together, but I can see your host's problem here. On a table of eight, you don't want six couples chatting away in English, with two Chinese (or whatever) speakers sitting there like lemons. (Even if they speak English, it's hard to be the only couple who don't know anyone, and even harder in another language). Or two English couples sitting together and one English couple being the lemons on a table full of Chinese people.
Three and three seems like the best way to do it - and it's not like you're sat with strangers, you're with two friends of yours. But if you do that you have to split one couple up, so it seems nicer to split everyone so no one feels particularly lemonish.
How I'd feel would depend on the wedding. A wedding where I only knew my husband, I'd definitely want to sit with him. One where I was sitting with two friends, I wouldn't mind so much.
I'm glad you found a way to sort it.

mindutopia · 06/09/2017 11:06

I agree, it's weird to split couples up at a wedding unless there is a reason someone needs to sit at another table. The only time it's happened to us was when my dh was in the wedding (best man) and sitting at the head table. That's totally understandable as he was there to support his friend. But I was on a table with a group of other couples who I knew so it wasn't awkward. It seems odd in any case to split up people who know each other or in your case, who speak the same language, as obviously makes conversation a bit more difficult. A wedding is long and boring enough and it's nice to be sitting with people you can talk to.

I don't mind not being sat directly next to my husband at the same table if we are there with other adults, but I would ask to switch (and actually think we did this once) if we were placed at the same table with our daughter but not next to each other. I'm not the babysitter, so I'm not there to entertain her while he gets to sit with adults. So in that case, we did ask people at the table to move around so we could both sit with her. I doubt other people really want to sit next to my messy kid while she eats in their nice dresses and suits anyway!

So yes, I think it's definitely not polite and isn't proper etiquette unless there is a reason they had to do it (like he was in the wedding party). Even then for a destination wedding, if you were there as a family with young children, I would probably still expect to be sat together unless maybe he was the best man.

CheerfulMuddler · 06/09/2017 11:10

Six friends, not six couples. Six people in three couples.

ikeadyounot · 06/09/2017 11:10

People should be seated with those they like and feel comfortable around - partners are likely to be in that group! It's not a team-building session, it's a social event.

Magicpaintbrush · 06/09/2017 11:12

YANBU OP! I would hate this too and it's incredibly rude of the wedding couple to split up couples like that. How stupid!!!!! I don't blame you for swapping. My idea of hell on earth is to be sat at a table making excruciating small talk with total strangers for hours. Fuck that!

kaytee87 · 06/09/2017 11:20

They wbu to split partners up but ywbu to swap seats.

Ragwort · 06/09/2017 11:25

really, who wants to have dinner with strangers?

Wouldn't bother me at all, part of going to a social occasion is surely to meet new people? After 30 years of marriage I am delighted to sit and chat with someone else Grin - however I appreciate that not everyone feels like that and it is clearly the 'norm' to sit couples together.

But I do think (serious mental health issues aside) it is sad that so many people seem to find it 'hard or difficult' to make small talk and chat to new people.

theymademejoin · 06/09/2017 11:32

I think it's bizarre when adults can't handle being with new people in social situations and need their partner as a safety net.

it is sad that so many people seem to find it 'hard or difficult' to make small talk and chat to new people.

I don't need my partner as a safety net when meeting new people. Equally, I don't find it 'hard or difficult' to make small talk and chat to new people. In fact, I'm quite happy to do so, under my own terms. I want to be able to move on and talk to someone else if I find we don't have much in common. You can't do that if you're stuck at the same table for 2-3 hours.

Dh and I are busy people. We like to spend time together when we can. I also like to spend time with my children. Why not just seat us together and then, if we want, we can flit around chatting to new people after dinner?

aweewhilelonger · 06/09/2017 11:35

Where was the wedding? I went to one in Sweden once, and everyone was mixed up: it's the norm there.

thecatsthecats · 06/09/2017 11:38

Ragwort - I have just had four weekends of weddings, christenings and hen dos. Small talk and chat consisted entirely of repeatedly telling people where I live, what my job is, and being told by strangers that my boyfriend and I ought to be getting married/having babies.

I find people who like small talk often vastly overrate how good they are at it.

Beadieeye · 06/09/2017 11:40

How baffling to base a seating plan around the guest's nationalities rather than seating couples together.
I'd have thought it was a mix-up. Or I'd have thought they didn't approve of my relationship or something :/
Weird and rude.
You don't just dismiss your guests being together in favour of a 'fun' seating plan.

Ragwort · 06/09/2017 11:43

thecat I'm not saying I am 'good' at small talk, just that I find it easy and genuinely enjoy meeting new people - perhaps it says more about my marriage in that I don't particularly want/need to be stuck with my DH at a social occasion Grin - in fact often we go to completely separate events so don't even have to worry about sitting together.

SalamiSandwich · 06/09/2017 11:47

I don't get much time just with dh without the dc and equally there are friends who I don't see that much as we live all over the place, and look forward to catching up with. I want to do that, not spend hours talking to people I'm not going to see again.

MirandaWest · 06/09/2017 11:54

I don't know why anyone would make a seating plan with couples not on the same table.

To me you should make your guests feel at ease rather than potentially making things difficult for them.

lynmilne65 · 06/09/2017 14:57

At my nieces wedding I was seated with very elderly people,! My sister said it was because I was 'so good with them ' 🙄

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