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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

On a different table from my OH at a wedding. What do people think about this?

135 replies

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 22:08

This isn't so much an AIBU, as my reaction / feelings about this aren't those of your "average" person. I'm just curious to know what others think about this, if they'd be annoyed, or see it as no big deal.

To give some context, I'm a super-anxious person, particularly around social anxiety. I am useless at small-talk, and find situations where i have to chat to people I don't now well / at all really stressful and pretty excruciating. I'm better than I used to be, but will always find these situations very difficult.

Six of us went to a wedding abroad at the weekend. The groom is friends with my OH and his two best friends. I know the groom, and he is lovely. Don't know his new wife well at all, but she is also lovely. They'll have an idea that I can be a bit nervous, but certainly would have no clue of the real level of my anxiety.

Before the reception, I'd been chatting to the other partners, and we'd talked of how we hoped they wouldn't split us up. I said how I really disliked weddings where they put everyone next to someone they don't know so they'll mingle. I get it, but I hate it.

Heading into the reception, we see that I've been sat on a different table to my OH. So, one the the English couples on each table (though not sat together), with me on the same table as one couple, and my OH on the table with the other couple. The only other couple not sat on the same table as each other were the ones that we'd been "swapped" with. I immediately started to get stressed, I actually have a physical reaction in this situation, sweaty palms, racing heart and i go a LOVELY shade of purple. OH was in the loo at the time so i went searching for him, and when I came back my friend had sorted it (by getting the women sat in "my" seat to move to the table that her husband was on). So, all fine. I spent the dinner sat next to a stranger but it was fine as it could be, as I had a friend on the other side of me and my OH just across from me for reassurance.

The logic must have been three English on each table. I kind of get that. But as I said, I know my reaction (so swapping seats) was very much influenced by my wider anxiety issues. What would other people have thought / done about this? Would it have been a more "normal"reaction to think it was absolutely fine and not question the seating plan had been done in that way?

(and in case people are wondering, I do lots of stuff on my own without my DH, I've backpacked alone, but my anxiety is always there, bubbling under the surface, so my reactions, as I said, aren't always rational!)

OP posts:
theymademejoin · 05/09/2017 23:34

I don't suffer from anxiety but would still hate that. We were at sil's wedding recently and I was not thrilled with the seating plan as we were all split up. At least though she had dh, me and ds2 at one table and ds1 and dd at anothers so we all had someone. We were the only family she split up so instead of enjoying a nice meal with my family, I also had to make small talk with strangers which was pretty tedious.

I think most people would like to be with people they know well. It's a very odd thing to do.

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 23:36

Once everyone could speak English very well, and everyone I met was really nice. GreenTulips making friends is not simple and straightforward for everyone, and I don't expect to meet a future bestie at a wedding. I have lots of friends, but the friendships have grown out of shared interests etc and over time. And I have several friends who'll quite openly tell me (with affection) that they thought I was odd when we first met Grin

OP posts:
toffee1000 · 05/09/2017 23:38

As someone who finds social occasions very difficult I would definitely feel very uncomfortable being split up from my OH.

Flyinggeese · 05/09/2017 23:38

To be clear though, we're all just talking about the meal, not the whole day? It would be an hour and a half max. Not a big deal at all if no medical issues like anxiety. Just a weird thing to do that's all.

Cooloncraze · 05/09/2017 23:41

It's quite a traditional practice to separate couples at weddings. Personally, I quite like it. But i know anxiety (in my case not social) and so I can appreciate how unsettled you must have felt and I'm glad you had a good time.
There's another MN thread about this and the general consensus is that most couples want to be together.

TSSDNCOP · 05/09/2017 23:42

I don't think it was rude of the bride and groom, just acbit ill-conceived. If you've travelled abroad with your OH to a wedding, it's a reasonable expectation that you'd be sitting together.

BlueberryPuffin · 05/09/2017 23:43

I'm not socially anxious or anything like that, but I don't have any real interest in mingling with new people at a friend's wedding, so I'd find it pretty weird. As far as I know, I've never been to a wedding where the bride and groom have done this (me and my partner have always been next to each other anyway!).

raraskirtsandskipants · 05/09/2017 23:49

I feel that I just need to point out that I didn't use the word "rude" to describe seating plan decision in my OP. I don't think it was rude. Annoying and,to me, perplexing, but not rude.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 05/09/2017 23:49

Ime it's normal to split couples but on the same table.

I don't think I've ever been seated on a different table from my husband at a wedding.

MaidOfStars · 05/09/2017 23:51

I am widely-regarded amongst my various friendship groups as The One You Can Seat Anywhere Grin

We didn't split couples by table, but perhaps by seat. Our table plan was a delight to design, matching interests/sports/nationalities/jobs etc. I enjoyed it very much.

TatianaLarina · 05/09/2017 23:52

I prefer it when the men shift round each course so you have two new neighbours and don't get stuck with someone.

roarityroar · 06/09/2017 00:03

Honestly?

I think it's bizarre when adults can't handle being with new people in social situations and need their partner as a safety net.

toffee1000 · 06/09/2017 00:07

Well you sound like a lovely person roarityroar. Social anxiety is a very real and debilitating condition.

paxillin · 06/09/2017 00:11

This might be useful for a work dinner I can't see the point in it privately. Weddings aren't friendship forming occasions; chances are they live in Rome and New York and never meet again. Forcing people to mingle by sitting them apart from their partners without good reason seems a bit patronising.

raraskirtsandskipants · 06/09/2017 00:12

roarityroar you'll see that I mentioned the word "irrational" in my OP, more than once, I think. Anxiety is by it's very nature irrational. It's nice to know that some people seem to think it's a personal choice to be that way rather than just getting on with it Hmm

OP posts:
toffee1000 · 06/09/2017 00:16

People are horrible about mental health. And think it's easy to get over. I hope they never get struck with it. Or maybe I do, so they can finally have an inkling of what we go through.

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/09/2017 00:25

Couple should be at same table but not next door to each other. Next door but one

So on a round table

ABABCDCD

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 06/09/2017 00:31

I'd have been irritated by this and I'd have done what you did. I like to enjoy weddings with my DH, nothing to do with anxiety, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I hate being forced to make new friends just because the bride and groom want you to, I have a lovely DH I'd spend time with.

I was seated away from my now DH at his sisters wedding, we'd only been together for 2 years and we lived together. She didn't want me sitting with DH and instructed the photographer to avoid me because I wasn't a proper family member and there was a chance we'd spit up. She didn't want me spoiling the pictures incase we split up.

crazycatgal · 06/09/2017 00:34

@roarityroar What a lovely person you are Biscuit

PortiaFinis · 06/09/2017 00:40

YABU - I would never expect to sit next to my DH at a wedding. I am sometimes on the same table as him and sometimes not.

I think it's bad form to sit couples next to each other. Although I understand this might be a nightmare for those with social anxiety.

paxillin · 06/09/2017 00:41

I think it's bizarre when adults can't handle being with new people in social situations and need their partner as a safety net.

I think it's bizarre when adults get told "you're always playing with Jim, what fun to be friends with John and Gwendolyn at the green table instead". This sort of manipulation is shit when you're 7. A perk of adulthood is the ability to say fuck that.

BlueberryPuffin · 06/09/2017 01:59

Agreed, paxillin.

I don't have social anxiety (far from it) and I could easily spend an evening with a table full of strangers, but the host of a wedding deciding that that's what I should do is a bit weird, IMO.

It's never happened at any wedding I've ever been to.

manicinsomniac · 06/09/2017 02:30

I like it best when whole friendship and/or family groups can be seated together.

But when this is not able to happen, due to logistics or otherwise, I rather like it when couples are split up. I don't have a partner so it helps me feel like less of a spare part!

FruBayerischOla · 06/09/2017 07:54

It seems odd to seat some couples on separate tables and some couples on the same table. I get, as the OP said, that maybe the B&G wanted to split the 6 Brits into 3 Brits on separate tables - but still a bit odd to do that to one couple.

DP and I went to a significant birthday party held in a restaurant and all paid for by BirthdayWoman. There were three large tables (maybe 20 per table?). She did a seating plan and whilst the majority of couples/people from the same social circles were seated on the same table/section of table, she did split some couples up by table, including us. DP got a seat on her table, whilst I was seated on a different table - albeit with other couples from our immediate social circle.

I got the impression that she chosen her favourite people to sit on her table whilst the hapless, non-favoured half of the couple were relegated to one of the other two tables. Odd.

AudacityJones · 06/09/2017 08:07

Seems odd to just split the brits down the middle 3 per table, and then to achieve this by only splitting one couple up. Why not split all 3 couples up so one has 2 boys and the girl from the 3rd couple and vice versa?

Anyway, I don't have social anxiety but I would dislike being forced to go sit among people I've never met before away from DH only to satisfy someone's seating arrangement views. As in if there were only so many places or someone was at the top table or the pram close to fire exit scenario etc etc I wouldn't mind. But this random "desire to get our guests to socialise" as a reason I'd hate it and feel resentful.

But I probably wouldn't have done anything other than perhaps swap like you did OP. Don't think YABU.