To be a bit upset and hurt by my NCT friend?

[lelapaletute]

I went to NCT before having baby and really hit it off with the 7 ladies in my group. One in particular I thought was really cool, the sort of person I'd be friends with "in real life" as opposed to the weird twilight mummy world!

We have a WhatsApp group where we all share our highs and lows, ideas, discoveries etc. A couple of the ladies kind of drifted off but most of us are chatting daily. I always felt a bit out of things as I live in a less nice bit of town than the rest of them (no NCT in my area) so they'd often meet ad hoc and I'd miss our, they go to the same children's centre/clinic etc and I go to my local one. But in the early days especially it was such a lifeline and I really felt close to them all.

As our babies have got older, the issues we have are different - most people have gone either in part or totally onto formula (I still EBF, as does this one particular "cool" lady), babies are doing really different things with sleep, mobility etc. My baby is crawling and pulling up at 7 months, but her sleep is awful, bf is a struggle and she is often very weepy and cross. I've just started trying to get her in her own room - up until now she's been co-sleeping.

Anyway off the back of a discussion on the WhatsApp about this with lots of different advice about how to help her sleep, the cool lady got in touch with me privately and basically said that I need to stop expressing my concerns about my daughter on the WhatsApp group, as because baby is advanced physically this is "humble-brag", and is making members of the group "who have had it really tough" worried about their own little ones' development (even though the concerns I have expressed are nothing to do with her crawling etc, I know that is really unusual and great and that babies develop in different aspects at different rates!).

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love - the implication being that it's my fault my daughter is so often grumpy and that it's because I don't show her enough love! 😢

I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers because I really believed we cared about each other and were all in it together. Now I feel mortified that I have apparently upset people, and so gutted people think I am trying to back-handedly show off (I am really not like that), and actually really angry she has seen fit to tell me I'm not loving towards my baby when I spend 24 knackered hours a day showering her with love, attention and approval (and before anyone asks I have written this epic post while she takes an epic nap - I am typing with one hand and holding her hand with the other to help her sleep as she had a really bad night's sleep).

Am I being silly to be so hurt by someone I thought was a friend, and feel grief that now I can't really talk to the group about how things are going? I mean is it normal to feel like your NCT group are real friends, not just a sort of functional grouping to have people to go to mum and baby things with and keep it light hearted? am I being a wuss?

For full info I have no family nearby and none of my pre-baby friends have children so I do feel generally isolated.... This may be why I have overshared/am overreacting...

I really don't think she's a bitch at all though.... She is ever so lovely, funny, randomly gives people spare baby stuff at the drop of a hat

A genuinely lovely person wouldn't say something so nasty to another Mum though. It's bad enough that she said the first part about you supposedly bragging but the second part is completely unacceptable no matter what. She is extremely ignorant if she thinks its her 'love' that makes her baby one who goes to everyone and she shouldn't speak too soon as separation anxiety hits at 8-10months

I am really lucky that my NCT group is fantastic and I do consider them to be genuine friends. I would say it took until our babies were 5-6 months for me to get to know them properly - until then they were Mum friends. We are very fortunate that we all get on so well, the husbands do too and we have just booked a mini-holiday together. I think we are probably in the minority to get on this well but I would certainly go to more activities with your little one where you will make friends who are non-judgemental and you can enjoy the ups and downs without fear of them being offended.

You're not being silly. It's just that IME virtual baby groups don't work. Especially when the babies are all the same age. Way too much competition! You've upset her somehow, no doubt accidentally and she's being a bitch. It's not your fault, it's unfortunately often how these things go. Join real life toddler groups and chat in person. You don't get all this crap then!

Seriously NCT is always about keeping up with the Jones and one-up-manship.

Always? I did NCT and had no drama. We met weekly for a year and now get together for parties and stuff a few times a year. It's clear there are arseholes and drama in some groups but other groups quietly bumble along happily.

I bet the others in the group have no idea OP. I would message one of the others and ask if they knew anything about it.

"I really don't think she's a bitch at all though.... She is ever so lovely, funny, randomly gives people spare baby stuff at the drop of a hat... She does rather pride herself on being upfront I think, so if she's saying it either this is how the others feel, it it's how she thinks they feel and "if she doesn't say it, no-one will" kind of thing..."

Yeah, I know this type, with or without kids: its secretly about control. They're cool when they get to play a parent/teacher role, aka when they are subtly being allowed to condescend, perform, or generally feel they're slightly above everyone else.

Your kids being "advanced" removes her from a superior position, in her head putting you on equal footing, so she prefers to make sure you're reminded a little of your place.

Her follow up bubble comment was just making sure you felt the screw being nice and tightened down on you. You can probably expect her to make some very pointedly nice comment or gesture in the next week, to "reward" you for falling into line or carefully rebalancing the scale slightly, so she's never fully tipped over into "bitch mode".

It would irritate me too much to let her get away with it TBH, but if you want to ignore fair enough.

Just feel reassured you have nothing to feel bad about.

essential I did a postnatal class with NCT Chelsea (I was from not naice next door area). It was horrific, was told my DS screaming was due to drinking caffeine and (even more concerning as this came class leader) that I should stop feeding DS overnight as that would help him sleep. He was 14 weeks old at the time and quite low weight.

There was one lovely lady who was struggling like me but it was the most unsupportive experience I've ever had and still remember it all so painfully 5 years on.

DS has a genetic condition and ASD so I think that probably explains all his issues. Bitter, possibly, bruised most definitely.

Copy the text directly,
Add it to the group and put...

Dear ladies,
I received this message this morning, I never realised you all felt like this and to say the least I am hurt and upset. At no point did I mean to brag, all children do things at different points and I've seen all yours doing things that mine isn't doing yet. I certainly didn't mean to offend anyone. I think it's best if I leave this WhatsApp group. If any of you are free and still want to meet up at any point I'd love that as I really saw you all as dear friends.

Then leave the group and let the rest of the group see what a cow she is and how she is saying 'they all' feel like it I doubt very much they've asked her to speak on their behalf. She's obviously insecure and jealous.

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love

I might have to thank her for her own glaring humblebrag and implication that you've made your baby miserable. But then she wouldn't listen so there's no point.

You need new friends.

Seriously NCT is always about keeping up with the Jones and one-up-manship.

Really?? Not here. I've been in my NCT group for 14 years and we all get on and still meet up every month. Not with the dc, though!

Ok OP would you want your child to experience this? No you'd want them to stick up for themselves.

Post the messages and walk away. If she was talking on behalf of the group she would have posted it in the group.

She's not nice. She's not lovely. She's not cool. She's quite frankly a manipulative cunt who needs a lesson in how to behave like an adult.

She sounds to be like she's struggling to be honest.Could that be the case?

Is it quite a 'competitive' group overall? It sounds like one of those "frenemy" mums groups that you can get...(bloody awful.)

She's not nice. She's not lovely. She's not cool. She's quite frankly a manipulative cunt who needs a lesson in how to behave like an adult.

This times a hundred.

If others thought it why was she hiding what she was saying from them?

OVienna I do think she was trying to say it as she sees it yes. It really isn't a bitchy group,so kind and supportive, esp in the early days. I'm just hurt as I'm really not like that and I'm sorry to think they see me that way. And the remark about not showing my child enough love really stings as she knows how concerned I am that she doesn't seem happy - I'm sure she's just offering the best advice she has - after all her baby is happy! - but I would hope it would be obvious to everyone I adore my daughter and am trying my very best to be positive and loving. like I say I don't think she's a horrible person but it does seem insensitive and it does hurt.

She's a cunt. Met someone at pointless baby massage who was like this. Named her child after a mountain....

I'd ditch the NCT snobs.

It took me a while to find my 'mum friends' away from school/college/uni friends who've also had babies.

But when I did it was done organically rather than where I thought I'd meet 'nice cool' mums, invariably places like NCT, the PTA, dance lessons.

The quicker you learn this lesson, the quicker you'll cut through the shit and have real friends rather than false ones like this who will make you feel shit.

I have two or three other mum friends away from my usual friends who I can discuss children wetting the bed at six, swearing children etc etc with honesty rather than an awful underlying boastiness, which is what I think having mum friends is actually about.

Rise above up and quickly - they'll be the ones who regret sticking with it.

She sounds like she's struggling herself to be honest. That is such a nutso message to send anyone. The first year with a baby is weird and hard and I think there's a bit of projection in there. 'Only shows love and positivity' to a 7 month old? That is in itself an extremely odd thing to say. It's actually OK for babies to cry or be clingy or whatever. Don't forget, people who are 'cool' really care about the image they present to the outside world. That can be a killer as a new mother - feeling that you need to show you're doing well all the time.

I wouldn't dump the friendships altogether (unless your move makes it pointless not to) but I would give that particular woman a wide birth. Or offer support when it all comes crumbling down for her, if you feel like it.

Someone in my NCT group suggested she had happy, smiley babies because she was happy and smiley and gently hinted my high needs baby (horrendous colic and sleep problems for ages) was reacting to my less than ideal self too.

I don't see any of them anymore and deleted them all on Facebook. No time for people like that (the whole group was toxic and danced attendance on the queen bee who sounds like your 'cool' one). This one didn't seem horrid but she said a pretty horrid thing and I know loads of people who manage not to say horrid things so I spend time with them instead.

There's no need to give up on the whole group - she doesn't speak for all of them. If she did and was so sure of the group's support she would have posted that message to you on the group thread. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face or however the saying goes :)

Agerbil You have to spill on the 'mountain name......... Everest? Ben Nevis, Kilimanjaro????

pict thank you for posting that. It was on my mind this week (not because of this thread) - I live in a naice suburb and ended up with an NCT group in the more normal surrounding area. I really like my group, and I wondered how much the area skewed the dynamic, or whether it's (like any group) a bit random/luck. I obviously don't know who I'd have met in my own neighbourhood group, but it got me thinking about what NCT would be like in Chelsea/Hampstead etc. (Terrible, based on your experience!)

We'd hoped that the NCT would be a great source of mum friends but it didn't really work out that way. Explore other ways of meeting fellow mums!

wibblywobblywoo Olive?!

@Hijenny35

Yes- perfect! (Followed by a private mic drop!)

Hadn't realised how uptight and precious mine were until we moved away and I met normal friendly mums. Remember going to a dinner party in our new city and new friends kids wouldn't go to bed so she shouted at her DH to shove the tv on and give them a packet of crisps.

So refreshing - North London it was all home made fish fingers and no sugar for the first year and earnest discussions about every stage.

Op stop being nice about her, because she does not deserve it. What she said to you was rude and nasty. She is a blooming hypocrite, mabey she shod follow her own advice. I would let it go, even leave the group and her and move forward. You are scraping the dregs with them.

She is mean, talking bollocks , and is not talking for the whole group.
I imagine her next child will be glum as hell, putting paid to her theory about happy babies. Actually Just writing that makes me so angry on your behalf. Of course your love for your dd is not in question, how dare she.
What responded do you get from the rest of the group? If they give you advice when you ask for it, they are likely b to want to carry in the same vein. Or do the others just talk about nail polish all the time, and ignore child care?
Either way, message her back and tell her the reason your baby can crawl is that you spend 90 % of your time on your knees, and she really needs to think about being less upright oriented if she ever wants her been to get of it's ( very cheerful)/belly.