To be a bit upset and hurt by my NCT friend?

[lelapaletute]

I went to NCT before having baby and really hit it off with the 7 ladies in my group. One in particular I thought was really cool, the sort of person I'd be friends with "in real life" as opposed to the weird twilight mummy world!

We have a WhatsApp group where we all share our highs and lows, ideas, discoveries etc. A couple of the ladies kind of drifted off but most of us are chatting daily. I always felt a bit out of things as I live in a less nice bit of town than the rest of them (no NCT in my area) so they'd often meet ad hoc and I'd miss our, they go to the same children's centre/clinic etc and I go to my local one. But in the early days especially it was such a lifeline and I really felt close to them all.

As our babies have got older, the issues we have are different - most people have gone either in part or totally onto formula (I still EBF, as does this one particular "cool" lady), babies are doing really different things with sleep, mobility etc. My baby is crawling and pulling up at 7 months, but her sleep is awful, bf is a struggle and she is often very weepy and cross. I've just started trying to get her in her own room - up until now she's been co-sleeping.

Anyway off the back of a discussion on the WhatsApp about this with lots of different advice about how to help her sleep, the cool lady got in touch with me privately and basically said that I need to stop expressing my concerns about my daughter on the WhatsApp group, as because baby is advanced physically this is "humble-brag", and is making members of the group "who have had it really tough" worried about their own little ones' development (even though the concerns I have expressed are nothing to do with her crawling etc, I know that is really unusual and great and that babies develop in different aspects at different rates!).

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love - the implication being that it's my fault my daughter is so often grumpy and that it's because I don't show her enough love! 😢

I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers because I really believed we cared about each other and were all in it together. Now I feel mortified that I have apparently upset people, and so gutted people think I am trying to back-handedly show off (I am really not like that), and actually really angry she has seen fit to tell me I'm not loving towards my baby when I spend 24 knackered hours a day showering her with love, attention and approval (and before anyone asks I have written this epic post while she takes an epic nap - I am typing with one hand and holding her hand with the other to help her sleep as she had a really bad night's sleep).

Am I being silly to be so hurt by someone I thought was a friend, and feel grief that now I can't really talk to the group about how things are going? I mean is it normal to feel like your NCT group are real friends, not just a sort of functional grouping to have people to go to mum and baby things with and keep it light hearted? am I being a wuss?

For full info I have no family nearby and none of my pre-baby friends have children so I do feel generally isolated.... This may be why I have overshared/am overreacting...

Exposing her isn't being passive aggressive. It's showing the group what was said on their behalf.

If it's not true you'd want to know if someone was representing you in that way to alienate someone else.

Revolting bitch.

Don't let her alienate you from everyone else. You don't know yet how the others feel.
She sounds bitchy, bossy and competitive. I had an NCT group where all the babies did different things at different ages and no one thought that talking about this was bragging. Would a normal person? No. You need to give the other women a chance to show how sane they are, don't take this person's word for anything.

So you and she are both the only ones still EBF. Pathetic as it is, this may mean that you represent some kind of threat to her. I know, it's insane, but some people are like this.

I did a course on peer support for breastfeeding. On the tram on the way back from an introductory session another woman on the course asked me how I was finding having a baby and a toddler. I said vague small talky positive things, to this woman I had just met. Actually my mental health was hanging by a thread, I was referred for counselling, I was still struggling with SPD, I was sleep deprived and lonely and getting out of the house to do a course was a bit of a lifeline. I didn't burden her with all this and just said something banal aobut how lovely babies are.

To my astonishment, this woman then told me off for expressing how easy I was finding everything in such an "unfiltered" way, which was "insensitive and intimidating"! I was filtered to fuck to keep it light and in no way boasting - I explicitly avoided saying ANYTHING about how I was coping.

So yeah these weirdos exist who want to put you in your place. Ignore them.

Urgh I hate these types - I take it it's PFB. I spent the 1st year miserable suffering from PNA and knackered, no sleep whatsoever and my now 21 month old is the happiest brightest kid in the world.

2nd baby, lovely, smiley and sleeps well - both treated exactly the same and shown equal amounts of love and adoration. All babies are different.

Just reply: "Lol."

This is my answer for all unreasonable texts and other messages.

Oh love she's jealous of you and insecure.

You ignore the twat and do what you think is best for your baby.

To be honest You will meet twats like this all along the parenting journey from 1 day to 18 years old but you get far more confident and able to bat away idiots like this.

Keep in the group and call her out, mention her comments and then look around for other groups to join.

This is why I hate NCT mums. Just like bitchy school girls. They are not your friends, just random women who had sex about the same time and conceived. Seriously NCT is always about keeping up with the Jones and one-up-manship.

"I think that's a horrible thing which she has said that the reason her baby is happy is because she's happy and loving."

A horrible and an incredibly stupid and presumptuous thing to say, it is so uneducated. But karma will bite her cool arse when she has baby number two .

She sounds like a control freak. She contacted you to control the way you interact with other people. She tries to control her daughter's natural emotional responses by controlling her own natural emotional responses. Try and stay away from her when she is alone, but don't ditch your group

There's nothing onderful about early crawlers, ds1 was 6 months old and it was like trying to contain an animal. he didn't understand, stop, no, his name, anything, he just went off like a wind up toy. I used to strap him in his car seat so I could eat and pee.

Don't copy and paste anything, it will only add fuel to the fire, just message her back, with 'you didn't mean to be so rude'!

If you don't want particular issues, thoughts, feelings shared with everyone, your safest bet is not to tell anyone, sad truth.

I didn't do NCT with my first and while I often lamented the lack of a ready made friendship group I was relieved not to have to deal with this sort of shit.

I would personally not saying anything but now keep them at arm's length. I eventually found a lovely group of friends just by getting out and about and asking mums I liked if they wanted to meet up. A good friend would never dream of asking another mum not to air her concerns. This shows that your NCT friends are more concerned with having a benchmark against which to obsess about their firstborn's development than a desire to actually support other mums. If they did care about the latter, they would have included you in advance hoc arrangements and ensure you didn't feel sidelined.

Find a toddler group or children's centre or just go for walks/coffee with your baby and have coffee.

Join the national trust or some local gardens, you will see other mums getting through the day with coffee... My baby loved being outside her (she was also an EBF screamer especially inside). Prior to having good friends I had some lovely times with my DD when we were on our own and there is always mumsnet - and try the mum 'dating' apps to arrange meet ups. They weren't around when I had mine but I would certainly have tried them.

Ps I actually did do NCT second time around (for people who already had babies) in a non salubrious area and by this point all the mums were very down to earth and realistic about babies (and childbirth etc). NCT can be really good, your problem is these not very pleasant people!

DO NOT do any of the reactive passive aggressive shit that's been suggested here. The only way to deal with these insecure people who are trying to project their issues onto you is to rise above it.

Rise waaay above it and kill with kindness. Respond with something short and honest like 'I never thought about it like that, much to mull over, thanks for sharing.' Then just quietly withdraw from communicating with her very much. Gentle fade. Not ghosting, it's rude, just... gently.

All of that is true. She can interpret it as she likes. But it's not bitchy, it's not escalating drama by posting in groups and flouncing. Just polite and non-confrontational and non-drama.

Get the hell off that what's app group forthwith. Either she's being a bitch or the others have talked about you behind your back AND she's being a bitch. There is nothing for you there now and you don't need it. You are an intuitive mother and your baby is doing well. Get out and meet other parents at groups etc. Go and see a health professional for a chat about continued breastfeeding. Yiu don't need that negativity in your life, particularly when the group is supposed to be about mutual support. Move on x

She's a bitch, you need to decide what you want to do, do you still want to be part of the group? Or do you want to walk away.

If your walking away, post on the WhatsApp group the message she sent saying this is why you are walking away.
Do you feel that she has been talking g about you to others?

She sounds jealous and insecure, you are well rid. Not sure why people are saying crawling at 7 months is "great" or "early" though? Totally within the typical developmental range.

Respond with something short and honest like 'I never thought about it like that, much to mull over, thanks for sharing.'

It's not honest and it is passive aggressive! OP is not grateful she is upset and hurt.

It happens a lot in women's groups

Yes, because all-male groups are a model of cooperative, supportive good behaviour.

Please reply to the whole group
Paste her message and let them no you are mortified and it was totally not your intention to brag or upset anyone.

I'll bet the others no nothing of what she's said and will be horrified.

You've said they've been a good support so far and it would be wrong to loose them because of one stupid cow!

I'll bet the others no nothing of what she's said and will be horrified.

Agreed. I doubt very much that all of the other women feel like this. She is singling you out and being divisive. Some kind of power play in the group.

You may still have support in the group but you won't know unless you call the bully out on it.

If not you still need to know where you stand in this group. Either way better to know the truth than skulk away like you're the one that's done something wrong. You haven't. Don't let the bully isolate you.

Sorry I haven't read through all the posts but I just wanted to offer my experience.
I have two children aged 2 and nearly 5. I've always found the little mum groups that form early on really tricky, especially with my first baby. It starts off with everyone sort of clinging to each other to get through those grim early months and more often than not it starts to break down as little friendship groups break off and see more of each other than the others or (inevitably) babies development at different rates and competitiveness, perceived or genuine, creeps in.
I know it's hard but I truly think it's quite normal and if I were you I'd go out and do different things, new groups and stuff and try to find your "people" rather than feeling tied to a group who probably had little in common apart from having new babies.

This is really common in group dynamics. She isn't speaking for the group, just herself. Sadly, she isn't the nice person you thought she was - but at least you found out now rather than later when you had invested in a friendship with her.

I don't think that I would screenshot the message , but I'd say that you have received a message saying x and that you are very sorry if they have felt that way as it was not your intention. And then sit back and see what they respond. I'd bet money on the others being completely surprised that "they" think this. But in fact, either way you win by explosing this. Because if it is true, then you don't need any of them in your life, and you can move on to find nicer people to hang out with.

Many NCT groups drift apart because after some time, there's not enough to hold it together.
This is quite normal. It takes a lot to hold a friendship, let alone a group, together for a long time.
Try not to let this upset you. Try other groups to make friends.

I did daisy birthing classes as opposed to nct we have an active WhatsApp group too and I at first thought how lovely new friends but we all live within 10 minutes apart and have met up 3 times in 10 months. Lots of chat about we must meet up but it doesn't happen it's really reminded me that it's just not real and when I go back to work which is very soon I won't be able to keep up with these people.

I would get out and try to meet people spend time with people in real life reinvest in your old friendships don't just rely on mummy friends.

I bloody hate NCT. I didn't do it myself but every baby group I went to seemed to be ruled by 'the NCT group' and was basically impossible to make friends as they went around like a pack.

She's a bitch. Ignore!