To be a bit upset and hurt by my NCT friend?

[lelapaletute]

I went to NCT before having baby and really hit it off with the 7 ladies in my group. One in particular I thought was really cool, the sort of person I'd be friends with "in real life" as opposed to the weird twilight mummy world!

We have a WhatsApp group where we all share our highs and lows, ideas, discoveries etc. A couple of the ladies kind of drifted off but most of us are chatting daily. I always felt a bit out of things as I live in a less nice bit of town than the rest of them (no NCT in my area) so they'd often meet ad hoc and I'd miss our, they go to the same children's centre/clinic etc and I go to my local one. But in the early days especially it was such a lifeline and I really felt close to them all.

As our babies have got older, the issues we have are different - most people have gone either in part or totally onto formula (I still EBF, as does this one particular "cool" lady), babies are doing really different things with sleep, mobility etc. My baby is crawling and pulling up at 7 months, but her sleep is awful, bf is a struggle and she is often very weepy and cross. I've just started trying to get her in her own room - up until now she's been co-sleeping.

Anyway off the back of a discussion on the WhatsApp about this with lots of different advice about how to help her sleep, the cool lady got in touch with me privately and basically said that I need to stop expressing my concerns about my daughter on the WhatsApp group, as because baby is advanced physically this is "humble-brag", and is making members of the group "who have had it really tough" worried about their own little ones' development (even though the concerns I have expressed are nothing to do with her crawling etc, I know that is really unusual and great and that babies develop in different aspects at different rates!).

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love - the implication being that it's my fault my daughter is so often grumpy and that it's because I don't show her enough love! 😢

I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers because I really believed we cared about each other and were all in it together. Now I feel mortified that I have apparently upset people, and so gutted people think I am trying to back-handedly show off (I am really not like that), and actually really angry she has seen fit to tell me I'm not loving towards my baby when I spend 24 knackered hours a day showering her with love, attention and approval (and before anyone asks I have written this epic post while she takes an epic nap - I am typing with one hand and holding her hand with the other to help her sleep as she had a really bad night's sleep).

Am I being silly to be so hurt by someone I thought was a friend, and feel grief that now I can't really talk to the group about how things are going? I mean is it normal to feel like your NCT group are real friends, not just a sort of functional grouping to have people to go to mum and baby things with and keep it light hearted? am I being a wuss?

For full info I have no family nearby and none of my pre-baby friends have children so I do feel generally isolated.... This may be why I have overshared/am overreacting...

Screenshotting is a good idea as then she can't claim to them that you are overeacting, plus they'll see her bragging about her smiley baby.

Ugh!

Someone's jealous or just a bitch or both. If she really were reflecting the group's opinion, she'd have included the group in the conversation (and toned down her approach to appear 'cool'). But she PM'd you. What a cow. Says it all.

Congratulations on your thriving, healthy baby!! I've had three utterly shit, shit, shit sleepers (language! Sorry but I cannot emphasise enough what awful sleepers I had) and they turned out to be really nice, lovely people! I survived! That's the miracle! You will too!

I'd love to be a fly on the wall and observe this 'cool' mother's perfect approach to motherhood. Obviously her baby came with the sought after manual the rest of the world's babies miss out on!

Check out your local playgroup and Sure start. Does your community church hall offer a playgroup? Don't let one bad apple spoil an otherwise lovely barrel. The majority of new mums are wonderful, exhausted, normal people on a steep learning curve whether they have one child or ten! Every baby comes with a collection of challenges.

I find Dr. Sears' website really refreshing!

The day will come OP when you'll struggle to remember 'cool' mum's name. My you gain many wonderful, lasting friendships over the years.

That is awful and she is clearly projecting her own insecurities on to you. She's the problem not you.

I would have to message the whole group with something like;

"I have decided to step away from this chat and the nct groups as I wasn't aware I was upsetting any of you, I'm sorry that that seems to be the case, I wish you all well with your little ones".

And leave it at that, I'm sure the bitch isn't speaking up for the rest of them. She'll have to do the explaining.

Don't do any of the passive agressive shit that's been suggested on here. Don't cause a massive drama and do wide eyed "oh hope I've not offended!" Either be honest and say she's stirring the pot or confront her.

I would so copy and paste it to the group with faux concern that you've fucked them all off. She is a bitch because no nice person would send something like that. They might think it but committing it to words on a page is just stupid and cruel.

We had one of these Alpha mums at our baby group. Came along, was having a really hard time and me and a couple of others went out of our way to help her. Once she found her feet she decided she needed to be Queen of all and started picking people off by excluding them.

First she came for the Polish mum, then she came for me as my DS was talking , then she went for the lovely Hippy woman. It made us irrationally over upset- like we were at school. I think because your child is being rejected as well as you, plus you're sleep deprived and quite probably a bit mad.

Then we realised she was doing it to each of us, wised up, realised she was an uber- bitch and carried on.

It all sounds horrendous but also a bit 'playground' in a weird way. Why are you so hurt by it? You know how much love and affection you're showing your baby. She doesn't. She's an idiot and very probably has her own issues.

Oh don't get me started on the NCT lot. I did thr antenatal sessions. Thought the group were pleasant enough (a bit high maintance/drama queens but they were ok), we all met up after and would text etc. Then I was starting to drift out of the friendship group, when we'd meet up they would actually ignore me and act as if I wasn't there. Whenever i suggested meeting up
They were all busy, but would then see on FB they had all met up. Final straw was they all went out for a meal with partners- only me and my oh weren't asked. Again, found out on fb. I was really upset and gave it one more try- but they did the same so i thought sod it. Still upsets me 2 years later

I feel for you. Our NCT group had one of these. A few people really looked up to her. Three years later most of us are still friends and she's moved. Her private bitching & competitiveness alienated everyone eventually. You sound lovely, I think you've had some good advice about potential comebacks

I'd go with what splendidisolation said

*Please definitely copy and paste the message to the thread ) minus the second part about her happy baby). Keep it anonymous and say "someone from the group sent me this - I I feel awful as this group has been such a lifesaver for me. Do you guys really feel this way? I'm mortified 😣"

YANBU.

You feel hurt because you are still in the hormonal phase, especially if you are still ebf.

You are hurt because on some primeval level you relate to these women as your tribe. Being outcast from the tribe will trigger strong emotions on a basic instinctive level.

But luckily they are not really your tribe, just a few women who you happened upon and who gave birth around the same time.

I would forward her comments to the whats app group and say that you feel really sad and upset that you may have involuntarily upset the other mums. You can apologise for hurting other people's feeling but say also that you are very hurt that cool mum has suggested that you don't give your baby positive attention. Then see who from the group remains with you.

Sack 'cool' mum tbh she sounds deranged. PFB to the extreme or sleep deprivation made her go coo-coo.

Go back to the group, explain you've had "cool Mum" PM you regarding your baby etc and you feel hurt by it as you hadn't realise this was the case and ask if this is the same thoughts from everyone else - MAKE SURE YOU ASK

I am friends with 5 mums dating back over 15yrs but i had a run in with one of them when kids were about 3 and she made it sound like her "advice" was a collective - IT WASN'T and the others promptly told her so and told her to wind her neck in.

Bring it to the others attention, and if it is all thought by them, then at least you know.

Also second what others have said and maybe try and find play groups closer to home with real interaction

You would be absolutely justified in posting a screenshot of her message. Not to be passive aggressive but simply to be open and clear when you ask the rest of the group "Do you feel this way too."

Bringing her sneaky putdown into the light will expose and shut down a mean girl AND allow you to see whether there are the seeds of any genuine friendships there. However things end up I wish you well

The fact she took it on herself to private message you saus to me she doesn't speak for the whole group. I would post he rnessage to you on the what's app group and say I have just had this from cool mum Maybe she feels a little 'put out' but she is not an elected spokes person. It's a shame when what should be a supportive forum for new mums turns into a witch hunt.

You have had some good suggestions àöabout other groups, maybe try those out.

She sounds like she is jealous! Also, she is bragging about the cheerfulness of her baby so is being a hypocrite!

It would seem everyone is sharing in equal amounts and it is not just you. That is what the NCT is for.

It is a shame that 'cool' woman has turned out to be less than cool but I wouldn't assume that the whole group feel the same way. I would maybe talk face to face with the others and her rather than comment on the chat about this. You could sincerely apologise to the others (infront of her) and say what cool woman said - this will make her look a nasty and you will come out humble and sweet!!

'Cool woman' has pointed out that I have been bragging about my baby pulling up and crawling, I am so sorry I have given that impression. I really appreciate our chats and would be really devastated if I thought I had offended anyone. I really appreciate the support you all give me and hope you find me equally supportive.'

I agree with splendid' suggestion. I don't think that comes across as passive aggressive - more of an honest 'is that what you really think of me?'. You poor thing. My antenatal group were life savers for me too

you may well have inadvertently upset people who are already super stressed and over-emotional. Their reaction may well be an over reaction due to their own high anxiety state, but I don't think you need to see all this as an insurmountable problem.

Just say to the group you are sorry if your sharing has stressed them out, and explain its just because you are isolated otherwise and don't have family nearby. My experience is that being the bigger person and volunteering an apology elicits tremendous respect and sympathy as well as appreciation from others. Who cares if you mean it or not or are feeling that your dignity is affronted by an apology - the point is it will get people that you want to stay friends with on your side and work to your advantage.

I'd suggest replying with a brief "thanks for the heads up" to her and leave it at that.

It happens a lot in women's groups. It's HER thoughts and she is making out that she is speaking on behalf of the GROUP. It's Bullshit.

It's possible there may be one or two in there who have had snarky, bitchy personal conversations with her (likely followed he lead and got caught up in her bitching) but the group as a whole? I highly doubt that the majority agree at all.

Put it in the open. If she was elected to tell you the group's views they would say so. Many may just be pissed that she has spoken wrongly for them and will say so. Let's hope that's the case. And if it causes a ruckus? She did it, not you. She took time out to personally have a go at you.

I think that's a horrible thing which she has said that the reason her baby is happy is because she's happy and loving.

All babies are different. All have different temperants, ailments etc. No baby is smiling, happy 100 percent of the time. It sounds like she is lucky that she has a laid back baby (for now!) but I guarantee there will be phases when her baby will become unsettled too.

She is only one member out of 7. You don't know the rest of the group feel this way about you. Is there anyone else in the group that you could strike up a one to one friendship with? I bet when you get talking to one of the others, they probably feel that this 'cool' lady is actually not very nice.

In my NCT, there was a clique going on which I was thankfully not a part of but I managed to strike up a friendship with one of the others and that was all I needed.

I would just leave the group, and sack of this "cool" mum, who is not so cool after all.

I would post that shit on the group and PA apologise that some people feel that discussing my child's development is being seen as bragging.

This!

You don't know if she is making the whole thing up and who made her fucking spokesperson for the group?

Post her comments to the group, apologise if it came across braggy and that you really were looking for support. That you've counted them a friends and feel hurt by what was said. If she is being a bitch and making it up it will be apparent to the rest of the group. If they do not respond in a supportive way then you know where you stand with all of them.

PS many of the messages above would make for a great episode of Eastenders, and you might all turn into dreadful screaming harridans over it, but that will likely lead to you losing your friends (whilst feeling extremely big and important and as if you have commanded "respect").

Think about what gets you want you want, not about what gets you revenge and drama.

Though obviously less personal this reminds me of when I posted on here when my baby hated the bath. One person said she thought her baby loved the bath as she always smiled and played her in the bath. Thanks love, I hadn't realise mine hated it because I was shouting at her or ignoring her.....
This friend is not cool. Move on from her.

Feel for you, but try to move on rather than getting embroiled in group politics/dynamics. Wouldn't bother responding to her or copying her msg onto the group thread - you may end up more hurt if the group sides with her rather than you - remember groups are mini social hierarchies & if she is the Queen Bee the others will not likely challenge her leadership role in the group, even if they also think she's a wally.

I lived in a "poorer" area of town & was the slight odd one out in my nct group. It was a useful bridge in the early days but then I started going to children's centre stay & plays, church hall playgroups etc, & it was a huge relief to meet other mums in a more similar circumstance to me. Leaving the nct group behind was best thing I did! Good luck

That's upsetting. I'm in a similar situation in that the girl I thought would be my closest pal from NCT is distancing from me and all I can do is worry about what I might have done. I have other NCT friends but this particular girl I thought would be a close friend in particular :(
I sympathise- I too don't have any other friends locally and at times ML has been lonely. Xx

She sounds like a bell end- some babies do things early and some do things late!
My twins have been late to the sitting up unaided game, but one of them is practically walking now a couple weeks later at 9 months.

Another member of our group has a child who consistently does physical things early- we're all pleased for her and chat about whether it makes life harder or easier as none of us are quite sure!

She may be projecting if she's worried about her baby. I never took that tack, I kinda figured mine wouldn't be 18 and still lying on the floor so they don't get there eventually (barring any disability of course).

Oh also as to NCT, I'm from a Naice town, good schools, money in the area etc and we only have an NCT because some of the girls I'm pals with have taken it upon themselves to set it up (some of the girls met through NCT in a different town and others of us met through anti natal classes at Sure Start)!
NCT is not a blanket for "you must be a git", it is exactly what the local members make it (I'm not a member but go to the bumps and babies sessions and on the weekly Buggy and Sling walks).