AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

[FranceIsBacon]

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

I used to wonder why parents stopped posting on specific forums once their children became older and its only when my son became older that I realised - I wouldn't want to see this 'out there' either. It was too personal. It was too awful. And to be honest Im glad other parents stopped posting when they did because I think I would have ran for the hills screaming if I'd know what was ahead for him, and for us. A lot of the less palatable posts in this thread would have really hurt me if they'd been said to me when my son was a wee boy because they really are the kind of thing that time helps you to understand or at least be able to ponder.

sorry - they dont have to be your views but you can accept them as being others and not be offended by their reality.

I understand your feelings, OP. I have twins (now adult) one of whom had quite severe disabilities. Throughout their childhood one twin was often asked to parties/events that his disabled twin was not. Yes I often felt sad, but would never have asked if his twin could go too. I always felt you should either accept the invitation, or not, and never ask for others to be invited as well or make people feel awkward or embarrassed. I would let the twin who was asked go to the party, and when they were little, do something else with the other twin at the same time. Also, I used to think the twin asked to parties had to so often take second place to hospital visits, therapy sessions and school meetings, that it was there time to come first. I may have got it wrong but those are my thoughts.

Shocked that anyone would think this is ok. Op your dh was right and you have done the right thing by not sending your dd1 to the party.

For all thoughts that say 'oh but dd1 will miss out', so what, who would want their child left alone with these ignorant people anyway?

I have 2 dd's with disabilities, my youngest is often left out but not by our family, they include her in everything, I would be very upset if my dd1 was invited to a family members party and not dd2.

zzzz I don't think fax is attempting to shut anyone down. The pp telling her how she should have felt, and you accusing her of trying to play top trumps, along with some other posters comments are the only attempts I've seen to shut down another's opinions.

Her experiences might not be definitive or universal, but then again neither are yours. And we'll never really know which experience is the most common if people like fax feel they can't speak out.

. Are you saying that it's ok to exclude people if they are mentally rather than physically disabled.

Of course I don't think they should be blanket excluded from everything. I already said if it was a family party she should be invited. But it isn't, it's a party with same age friends. And dd2 isn't the same age, even if she wasn't disabled, she may not have been invited.

The comment I was replying to was a pp saying oh well since I can't walk maybe I can't go to parties. An adult that can't walk at times going to a friends party is a completely different situation to a profoundly physically and mentally disabled child not being invited to an older cousins party. The two situations are in no way comparable.

It's just not black and white. Of course disabled people should be included, but in real life it's not so simple, I don't think SIL being totally unreasonable here.

With respect, people talking about reality and ideal situations. The ideal situations will never become reality if we continue to sideline people because of disabilities, or if it's inconvenient to include them.
Saying it's just how it is is how we've ended up with the political shitstorm that is Trump/May/Brexit, because people allowed things to slide to the point that bigotry and hatred became the loudest voices. This is ki different.

No different not ki different

People are so worried about my oldest! She's resilient, she's sociable, she's compassionate. She makes friends easily, and gets time on her own with other children as well as with adults. Clearly she's just left her own little core group of friends behind but she'll make new ones and she'll be fine. I don't consider myself a better parent for having a SN child (WTF?), nor do I consider her a better child, but I also don't think it particularly makes her any worse off either

You have described my daughter completely, OP. Or at least how she was as a child. My daughter has three disabled brothers, and she was and is the most compassionate and socialable person I have ever met. She gained enormously throughout her childhood because of her understanding of her brother's needs, and like you always made sure she got much one to one time with us (and yes attending parties her brothers were not). Her brothers adored her.

Now an adult with children of her own, she has come through a very dark phase in her life in her late teens. A time when she needed much support and therapy to come to terms with the guilt she felt for being healthy and "having it so easy". We were unprepared for this breakdown, so was she, though thankfully she came through that time. She also had to come to terms emotionally with the future with her brothers when we are no longer here. Also any partner needed to be on board regarding her brother's future needs - thankfully he is. However, I like you would have convinced myself all was well for my daughter, and just wanted to tell you of my circumstances. You may have done a better job than me, I hope so, but a childhood, rather a lifetime spent with disabled brothers, has had it's emotional effects on her.

I already said if it was a family party she should be invited. But it isn't, it's a party with same age friends. And dd2 isn't the same age, even if she wasn't disabled, she may not have been invited.

She's 4. And the birthday girl is currently 4, turning 5.

"But it isn't, it's a party with same age friends. And dd2 isn't the same age, even if she wasn't disabled, she may not have been invited."

I thought that too - because near in age isn't the same as being the same age cohort.

But OP has stated several times since I posted that she knows the reason is not that, but because of their perceptions of her DD's disability. And excluding on that basis is horrid.

It's a family party - grandma and other relatives are there. It's not like the party girl is 10 and her sister is 3.

It would entirely appropriate for both DDs to attend.

It sounds like they don't really want any extra adults there, hence saying just to drop off dd. How much room do they have in their house? 2 extra adults and a wheelchair -it might be a space reason they didn't invite dd2?

It's a school party for 5yo's, she invited your 5yo (with no adults as presumably none of the other children will have an adult stay ). I think you might be over thinking this.

I think all of us with children with SEND are acutely aware of the impact it can have on siblings
We are probably the last people who need reminding.

In this case it is a family party. Family. Not a school friend.
There is no excuse for excluding the DD.

You did right OP.

So sorry that I have only seen this post after the OP has left due to the attitude of some posters.

As a parent who has brought up a profoundly disabled child, I can honestly say that my younger (by 2 years) child never missed out on anything because of his sister. In fact we bent over backwards to ensure that he didn't - even to the point when he might be due to go somewhere and we suddenly needed to dial 999 for an ambulance for DD we would at the same time be working out who was going to get him to his activity/party or whatever. He also had many more trips/days out than his school friends as we were fortunate to have some allocated care for DD and that respite time was always dedicated to doing something special for DS. At other times we would just split the parenting. So I can fully appreciate how the OP does not feel that her DD1 is missing out in life - because I know that like many parents of children with SN she will be bending over backwards to ensure she doesn't.

And as for the SIL - it is an issue that needs to be tackled now before it goes any further. She is clearly embarrassed anout her DN and is bringing up her own daughter to feel the same.

In all my DD's 22 years, she was never excluded from any family/friends gatherings - in fact she was a Bridesmaid twice in her short life.

Agree with MrsDV. Both of my grown up children have additional needs, ds is very severely affected.

Family have always included ds. He's been to the weddings and parties the same as his sister, except his cousin's wedding when we were asked if he might like to go but we thought it would be too much for him as he was going through a particularly violent stage at the time, but he was asked.

When he was little, some of dd's friends (different schools) would also invite ds which was lovely of them but not expected.

I think this is really sad and I totally get why you and DH feel the way you do. YADNBU.

I'm sure that your DD misses out already on parties, so it's extra important your family cater for her. I can't imagine leaving a niece out like this. IMO she should have considered how she could involve her when making her plans, rather than exclude her.

I hope your SIL understands when your DH speaks to her.

Okay so as much as it is sad for OPs disabled daughter to not be invited, I also feel the OP is acting awfully entitled. People can get a bit precious about parties and arrangements.

If someone invites one child and not another, I would not be inviting myself and my other child too. Instead of being so defensive in the first instance, a conversation would have been better and clarified a lot of issues. At least OP'd be certain that the SIL's intention was the same as the one the OP assumes it to be.