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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

450 replies

FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:05

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

OP posts:
MadMags · 05/09/2017 17:45

I'd really, really like to think that this was a miscommunication rather than SIL being horrible to her 4 year old niece.

OP says that she replied asking could she bring dd2 as otherwise one of them (OP or her DH) would miss it.

SIL possibly thought she was politely saying "well adults aren't really invited"?

I don't know! It's possible dd1 will be going to school with cousin and friends and therefore SIL was including her as a friend, not as a cousin IYSWIM?

The alternative just makes me feel a bit nauseous. Sad

Lurkedforever1 · 05/09/2017 17:56

zzzz when you posted up thread from your perspective as the parent it didn't cross my mind you were using your background/experience to silence the views of others. An opinion and perspective you have every right to have. And I simply believe that fax deserves the same courtesy.

The only thing I disagreed with was your post about top trumps, where it did come across that you were dismissing her perspective and trying to shut down her opinion.

You both have an equal right to your views, rather than her perspective as the sibling rendering her view less valid.

FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2017 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz · 05/09/2017 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LML83 · 05/09/2017 18:31

Family should go the extra mile to include disabled dd in some way.
YANBU. seems dh is telling his sister that which is good. Sorry it has to be done.

Devilishpyjamas · 05/09/2017 18:35

TBH no-one speaks for anyone else. My son's siblings have been impacted both positively and negatively by their brother - but they appear to be very well adjusted and show no signs of resentment. However, we have had a lot of support over the years (my son falls into the category of such severe disability that he actually gets support) and so although they have spent a lot of time around him they have also spent a lot of time away from him (especially since hitting their teens). Their experiences are not the same as any one else's - they're just their experiences & they speak for themselves. I suspect they'll find it harder as adults when we have keeled over and they'll be doing the meetings etc with social services & care providers etc. I'm sure they'll be very capable.

But I doubt they'd recognise the experiences of lots of siblings. The impact of disability depends on far more than what the disability is.

zzzzz · 05/09/2017 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devilishpyjamas · 05/09/2017 18:36

And yeah - TBH my kids steer clear of anyone being an idiot about disability. They're pretty outspoken about it.

jarhead123 · 05/09/2017 18:37

You aren't being precious at all. I'd be angry too. xx

TheFirstMrsDV · 05/09/2017 18:37

Jay you seriously think that its entitled to expect both DD's to be invited to a family party? Confused

This isn't a school friend. Its her aunt and uncle. Same relationship, same family.

Nothing entitled or precious about expecting both of two siblings to be included.

TheFirstMrsDV · 05/09/2017 18:40

I have seen several threads over the years along the lines of 'my family haven't invited my adopted child to a family gathering' and the overwhelming majority say 'that is massively unreasonable'
Which is heartening.

Yet when the same issue arises but involves a disabled child there are quite a few posters who think its not a big deal.

Why?

Lurkedforever1 · 05/09/2017 18:48

zzz but that's my point, fax or anyone else posting from the perspective of the sibling doesn't mean they must be less concerned about disabilism, let alone that they are ok with it.

LML83 · 05/09/2017 18:49

just finished reading the thread.

Sorry OP has left. in case you are still reason....

You sound like a fantastic parent to both DD please ignore any hurtful comments. I think it would be insensitive to dd1 to leave her at a party where she doesn't know anyone. Also she doesn't even know she is missing it.

Your SIL is outrageous to exclude your dd2 and you are right not to go and to let her know you are hurt. Prob best to leave to DH as he is going to speak to her but if he hadn't I would have voiced my feelings.

Hopefully lessons can be learned and bridges built.xx

bookworm14 · 05/09/2017 18:52

I'm horrified by some of the opinions expressed on this thread. As Mrs DV says, if this was an adopted child who hadn't been invited, everyone would rightly be appalled. Why is the OP's family being given a free pass for excluding a disabled child?

This is a family party; the children are within a year of each other in age. There is NO excuse for inviting one child and not the other.

TuckingFaxman · 05/09/2017 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devilishpyjamas · 05/09/2017 19:01

The OP has TINY children. I'm sure she will ensure her NT child is supported as she gets older. It's not that easy to send them off to do their own thing at 4/5. (Ds2 was sent to acting at 4 as it was the only activity I could find that took under 5's and good God that led to a whole load of things).

JayDot500 · 05/09/2017 19:02

Yes, I do think it's entitled. This wasn't a family party. Here we all are cooking up comments when it's possible it's a misunderstanding. OP doesn't actually know why sil said what she said.

Has this uncle or aunty ever looked after the disabled niece alone before? Was this less about not wanting the younger sister, and more about not wanting the parents around. Of course it's awful to exclude the younger sister but there's no reason to accuse this woman without hearing her out. I cannot say that I'd truly be able to look after a 4 year old 'physically and mentally' disabled niece. Maybe the sil just doesn't know what her niece is capable of. We can say she ignorant but we can also say that maybe it's silly to expect people to always know how these situations should be handled. Perhaps it's time for OP to educate her family about her youngest child, and get them on board, especially since OP says they don't really spend a lot of time together.

FrancisCrawford · 05/09/2017 19:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TuckingFaxman · 05/09/2017 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFirstMrsDV · 05/09/2017 19:11

Well yes, it was a generalisation, but not an outrageous one.
There are crap parents in every group.
Having a disabled child doesn't ennoble you or make a previously selfish parent into a selfless one.

But on the whole parents of disabled children really don't need outsiders pointing out that their disabled child takes up more of their time than their non disabled siblings.

Now they may chose to claim this has less impact than it does but tbh who can blame them?

You have a profoundly disabled child.
They need 24 hour care.
HV/CCNT/Neighbour/MIL drops by.

'You know you have to be aware that its very hard for their brother/sister. You have to make sure it doesn't impact on them too much.

After dropping that gem they fuck off without offering any practical help to ensure siblings don't get impacted too much.

Its not surprising that parents don't want to hear it.
Doesn't mean they don't know and don't care.

And if they DON'T they probably don't care much about many other aspects of their child's life and wouldn't whatever their situation.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 05/09/2017 19:19

I can't believe some of the replies that I have read here! I bet great grandma, granny and Uncle and Aunty are not going to be jumping on a bouncy castle/ join in with neice and her school friends but bet they enjoy having a cuppa and as slice of cake! Dd2 could have enjoyed the balloons and cake alongside the rest of her family! It sounds very much like sil is either embarrassed by her neice or doesn't value her neice as a human being because of her disability! I bet sil wouldn't expect op to stay a home with a baby sibling! This isn't just a party for school friends, not when so many adult relatives are attending! I'm glad that your dh has defended your daughter op, as a disabled adult, I am heartbroken for your little girl! Dd1 is not missing anything, not when she and her cousin don't even get along! I'm sure that there will be many chances for dd1 to enjoy going to parties without her sister! This needs addressing now! It sounds like sil has been needing pulled up on her treatment of dd2 for some time!

Devilishpyjamas · 05/09/2017 19:26

I don't think missing one party that she didn't even know about with kids she doesn't know and family who are choosing to exclude a sibling is going to have a massively negative impact on the OP's dd. If she always missed parties maybe, but kids miss parties for all sorts of reasons.

Devilishpyjamas · 05/09/2017 19:28

Perhaps it's time for OP to educate her family about her youngest child, and get them on board, especially since OP says they don't really spend a lot of time together

A) how is she meant to do that if THEY exclude her
And
B) it is NOT the OP's job to 'educate' people about her child. If people want to be educated they can do that themselves. Ime it is impossible to educate anyone anyway - if they don't want to know there is nothing you can do.

TheFirstMrsDV · 05/09/2017 19:30

I can't help but think that a sibling's MH would be more damaged by witnessing their own family excluding their DS/DB than it would be by missing a party

Would the long term effects of seeing that sort of thing be far worse than not going to gatherings arranged by one section of the family?

Its not the OP or her OH or her DD who are causing their child to miss out. Its the SIL.

The sibling isn't missing out due to accessibility, seizures, challenging behaviours, illness, hospital admissions, allergies, phobias etc.
They are missing out because their aunt is refusing to include their own niece.

WhoresDoeuvres · 05/09/2017 19:35

I don't think missing one party that she didn't even know about with kids she doesn't know and family who are choosing to exclude a sibling is going to have a massively negative impact on the OP's dd. If she always missed parties maybe, but kids miss parties for all sorts of reasons.

So why is it a huge deal for the other DD to be excluded, when she has no way of comprehending it's actually happened?