AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

[FranceIsBacon]

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

TBH OP as they get older the kids tend to go off and do different things anyway. My younger sons spent a lot of their early years doing the same stuff/in the same space as their severely disabled brother. It did them no harm and a lot of good. They're now largely off doing their own things (rarely together, let alone with their disabled brother).

The only negative thing I can think of is that ds2 doesn't like the beach and thinks it's boring (probably because we could never have a usual sit and stay the day at the beach experience and tended to go on non crowded days). But TBH he's never been very keen on the great outdoors.

I have to say I'm appalled at the attitudes expressed here and the mental gymnastics some people are performing to justify excluding a family member purely on the basis of her disability.
Those referring to inviting 'siblings' to parties - that only applies when it's a friend of one particular child in a family and has no relevance to this situation.
The dd2 has exactly the same relationship to the birthday girl as her sister, and is very close in age.
As for PieWraith & 'DD2 would be lying immobile on the ground. How would that be fun for either of them?'. Words fail me, the Op has been very clear that her dd2 would experience pleasure from attending the party.
We have invited much younger toddler cousins to soft play parties, etc. My ds celebrated his 9th birthday with a trip to the cinema and McDonalds, and his almost 5 year old cousin attended the whole thing, while the 2 year old just came to McDonalds.
As for dd1 enjoying time away from her sibling, again the Op has been very clear that this already happens, and will continue as she develops her own friendship group in school. If the party involved an activity that wasn't suitable fro dd2 then it would be different, but that's not the case.
I hope your dh has called your SIL out on her blatant disablism, OP.

The party girl will be running around and eating tea with her school friends and your dd1. DD2 would be lying immobile on the ground. How would that be fun for either of them?

but at least invite the disabled child and let her parents decide if she would enjoy it or not.

Because disabilism is a really serious problem, both in rl and on here, I think sometimes some people are hyper alert to it, which in one way is great, but on the other it seems to also cause people to misinterpret people like fax and assume the worst of them. And it isn't just on this thread or a dig at any particular poster on it, I've seen it a few times recently, where the experiences of a sibling are dismissed by some people, often rudely.

It's understandable that op (or any other parent) might be overly sensitive on any issues surrounding sn, given the crap they deal with from society everyday. But that doesn't make it ok to try and guilt people such as fax into keeping quiet just because you don't like their opinion.

Witchend the younger dd is 4 the older dd and the OP's dn are 5/turning 5 - so all in the right age range but you are correct that a conversation would have been better - actually a conversation from the SIL would have been even better.

How has this turned into OP being accused of failing her elder DD and making out that her younger DD is a burden? Oooft. OP fwiw, I completely agree with you and your DH and think your SIL is being exclusionary and really shitty. Being excluded because of a disability is a horrible feeling, and unless you've experienced it first hand either personally or with your child you have no idea how it feels. I do, and it's awful.
OP I've read all your posts and to me you and your DH sound like shit hot parents, who make sure both your girls are treated fairly and have the time and attention they need. Unfortunately MN is not the place for reasonable threads about disability because for some reason it turns into a free for all where it's perfectly legitimate to attack people with disabilities with impunity.
Keep doing what you're doing, your girls will be just fine with you and their dad in their corner.

Wouldn't it just be better to check what the SIL's actual intentions were in her invite?! Rather than just jumping to conclusions..... One phone call...

You're welcome fax and I'm sorry you don't feel you can always share your equally valid perspective.

The party girl will be running around and eating tea with her school friends and your dd1. DD2 would be lying immobile on the ground. How would that be fun for either of them?

Oh good grief....... there are days I can't walk. Should I avoid all parties or social occasions because being unable to participate in the same way as able bodied people would be too upsetting for them? And apparently me?

Look, people with profound disabilities may not be able to run around, but that isn't a pre requisit for enjoying company, noise, other people running around, being part of what is happening, experiencing exactly what the other kids do! She's four, and a person like all the other children! See past the disability for goodness sake.

For the siblings of disabled children posting here who didn't want to have to always go out with the big buggy or explain their sibling - well yes, I'm pretty sure your sibling and parents would have preferred for them not to have been born disabled too. Disability impacts on the whole family, but what you're talking about resenting is the lack of acceptance (having to explain) and being seen to be different because of lack of understanding of and tolerance of disability in society. The way to meet that is not to hide anybody with difference away.

I thought we were 30 years past all this crap.

Those referring to inviting 'siblings' to parties - that only applies when it's a friend of one particular child in a family and has no relevance to this situation

This ^^

Op only skim read but its a disgrace and thank goodness your DH put his foot down and stood up for his daughter. Its appalling.

How anyone can say its OK due to the sibling thing at parties, that has no relevance here its awful, this is family! If family cannot include and accept family members with a disability then we are all screwed. ( we are pretty much)

so sorry you have gone through this op.

But that doesn't make it ok to try and guilt people such as fax into keeping quiet just because you don't like their opinion

Fax isn't the only poster who's raised points that Ive only considered the older my son's become. Not that my son has ever experienced anything like the OP is going through, plus his siblings are very hands on with him, but I do know from other mums that some of the points made here are very real and they are what people, loving families, believe.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - It should be as unacceptable to make disablist posts as it is to make racist or sexist ones. Until that happens, I will call it when I see it.

And you are not the board police.

I AM the Sibling of someone with SN we have very much been in the trenches as a family and I loved family member with all my heart and felt ultra protective over them.

It would have hurt my soul that I had been invited and they not.

You invite all children of the family - then that leaves the family to decide themselves who should/can go.

Which ever way you look at it - its bloody awful. There will be hundreds of parties for ops older child to attend from school with no siblings allowed! This is one family party, how anyone can spin this out into ops older child being burdened forever more is beyond me.

snow all parties I have been to with smaller dc - there is too much going on for anyone to notice anything.

DC at that age can be very shy when first attending a party, the last thing they will be thinking about is why - isnt that girl participating...

I cannot believe people think this is ok!

My nephew has global development delay as well as a host of other issues. I would NEVER exclude him from parties because of that. It saddens me that some here would :(