AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

[FranceIsBacon]

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

As it's a first cousin's birthday I assume you will buy a present whether you attend the party or not. I would buy her a story book with the theme of treating those with disabilities with kindness and as much equality as is possible. I know the situation isn't the child's fault but it will be noted by the mother that you have clocked her negative attitude towards your child!

Brilliant suggestion by quizqueen

The older I get the more mellow I have become about the 'shoulds mentality often bandied about.

People are all different and some of them do not have the skills set to cope with disabled people. They mean mo harm but they just don't have the capacity to deal with it.

Tucking -thank you. Your post really resonated with me

quizqueen - what a great idea, not sure I can be that passive-aggressive though!

People are so worried about my oldest! She's resilient, she's sociable, she's compassionate. She makes friends easily, and gets time on her own with other children as well as with adults. Clearly she's just left her own little core group of friends behind but she'll make new ones and she'll be fine. I don't consider myself a better parent for having a SN child (WTF?), nor do I consider her a better child, but I also don't think it particularly makes her any worse off either.

I'm not sure why I'm trying to justify my parenting of my oldest, I'm just winging it like everyone else but we're emotionally intelligent and I think we'll all be fine. I don't think she'll end up as a psychopath because she didn't go to her cousin's (one she doesn't like very much anyway!) party with a load of children who are strangers to her, and she can see her Gran/Great-gran etc any time.

I'm going to leave this thread now but thank you for all your replies, some of them were wonderful to read, some just left me feeling very disappointed.

She's more than fine, and growing up being so close to someone with a disability can only make her a better human being.

Not always - I am often bitter and resentful about my childhood and the impact growing up with a disabled sibling still has on my family relationships. It's incredibly difficult when life revolves around a sibling, when you have to "explain" your sibling every time you meet someone new, and even now that I'm in my 40s, I still can't talk about it because so few people understand and I would just sound like a complete bitch. Even at your daughter's age, I remember just wanting to be like "normal" families and not have to take the giant buggy etc out. Just another perspective.

I'm hiding this thread now. I don't expect anyone to agree with me, and I'm too delicate about it all still

if she wasn't disabled she would be invited"

Yes, possibly, but the fact is that she is disabled. If it was a family party then of course she should be invited. This sounds like a school friends party plus grandparents. The party girl will be running around and eating tea with her school friends and your dd1. DD2 would be lying immobile on the ground. How would that be fun for either of them?

It's a sad fact that if you are severely disabled you do miss out on things. Even attending the party she is missing out on the full experience. Sorry this sounds terribly cruel.

Don't let your dd1 miss out. I had a mildly disabled sibling and my childhood was awful. I wish I could say I was full of compassion and light, but after 10 years of all day screaming in my ear my nerves are shot and my compassion was exhausted.

X post with @agentprovocateur and totally agree

No. Like you said there was no reason not to invite dd2.

You can still feel you are being treated as a 'second class citizen' even if you are included in events as a disabled person.

Especially if you force the issue.

I think taking a kinder approach will be more fruitful and help establish family bonds because they will understand their feelings matter too.

Often people's responses are based around a fear of the unknown- hence my suggestion of hosting a party and being open to the views of others.

I wouldn't send a nasty passive aggressive book unless your game plan is to create discord rather than a potential support system.

Lastly, just because you feel that a tea party would be an appropriate environment for your daughter doesn't mean that others may have an alternative view. Why don't you ring for a chat and without being defensive open a dialogue about what the potential issues are as perceived by your relative? For example ,she may have already have invited a child with sensory issues and if you had a child that was non-verbal but prone to screaming -she might feel that wouldn't be in the interests of the other child.

Assume nothing and deal with facts by phoning.

I'm coming in late, and have not read everything but.

You are absolutely right to insist that family include your younger daughter to some degree. You aren't asking them to pay for a child who can't participate to go on a ski trip, you aren't even asking them to feed her. Just to have her be in the space as her sister and other girls of similar age help your niece celebrate her birthday.

As an older sibling I can tell you that you'll have many many occasions when you will second guess your stance on this and similar issues. Sometimes you'll make decisions that you'll later regret. But your older daughter will grow up to be a partner in the decision making process and it sounds like you'll be open to help her navigate the world that a sibling with profound disabilities will open to her. She'll probably tell you sometimes that you are doing it wrong. You'll maybe tell her the same. But as long as relationships are valued and communications stay open you are unlikely to find her as an adult telling you that you wrecked her childhood by having child 2 (she will tell you this when she is a teenager. Almost all girls with a younger sister will, the disability has nothing to do with this)

It's only recently that my family has talked about the way extended family excluded or made people feel unwelcome. A month or so back my sister and I and my children had lunch at our aunt's home. Every item on the table was safe for either her or I to eat. It was a dairy free meal anyway so my sister's dairy allergy wasn't an issue. But aunt couldn't work out how to make food without either paprika/red peppers that I'm allergic to, or mushrooms/celery that ny sister can't eat.

And talking after we realised that my mother had brought a (sister) safe meal with her every time we ate at her siblings homes as children because neither of her sisters was willing to cook food (sis) was not allergic to.

I hope that your extended family learns to value all of your immediate family and that you are able to find a way to keep balancing your individual and communal needs when extended family issues arise. (Terribly convoluted sentence. Sorry)

If you are lucky your SIL will work out for herself that those who judge you for having a family member with a disability are absolutely not worth attempting a relationship with. Miracles happen.

I don't think people are bring disablist here.
I'm pretty certain if you took the disabled aspects out and said cousins of that age and only one has been invited people would almost entirely been falling over themselves to say siblings don't have to be invited.

I mentored a young girl at a holiday camp once. She must have been about 10/12yo. Her older sister was on the camp too. Her older sister had some learning difficulty, but some of this was resonating with things she said.
They were both lovely girls, younger one always looking out for the older one.

One evening she suddenly opened out to me. She didn't feel that she mattered except as "x's younger sister"
She knew her dn refused invites when her sister hadn't been invited-and referred to ones going back to about age 5yo. She knew also that people were not inviting her to things that they didn't want her sister, or knew her sister wouldn't cope with because they knew she wouldn't come.
She was tearful in a hopeless sort of way.

I spoke to the camp leader who arranged to talk to her mum, who just dismissed everything with "she wouldn't want to go if her sister wasn't invited".

I have a dd who is disabled, and she has been left out (and informed) because of her disability, so I can see both sides.
But I don't think this is simple. We don't have anything to show it is anything other than inviting the child closest in age. If you've just moved, maybe they thought it would be nice for her to meet children she may come across at school or other things her age. Maybe the dn asked for her. Maybe there was a totally different reason no one here has thought of.

Maybe a quiet talk with sil about why she didn't invite her and explaining how she would enjoy it would have more effect.
I suspect getting angry at her is likely to only gave the effect of making sure neither is invited in future.

I am still reading.
I'm very upset to be repeatedly told how beastly and dismissive I am to my oldest daughter.

So I will be leaving this thread and, indeed, Mumsnet. This clearly isn't good for my psyche. I'll find some other place to find support.

Thank you to all you lovely people who were so supportive and understanding to a very challenging situation, I'm truly grateful.

Fwiw OP - we just had to cancel our younger kids (teens) first ever 'proper' holiday and prepare to send them to live temporarily elsewhere (didn't have to do that in the end thank god) because of their elder disabled brother. They both told us they were proud of us for what we did. I'm sure they were disappointed about missing the holiday but they understood that there was no choice (& hopefully learned if they ever need significant emergency help they will get it).

I'm sure your elder dd is fine and isn't a bag of resentment....

I am still reading. I'm very upset to be repeatedly told how beastly and dismissive I am to my oldest daughter

So I will be leaving this thread and, indeed, Mumsnet. This clearly isn't good for my psyche. I'll find some other place to find support

Thank you to all you lovely people who were so supportive and understanding to a very challenging situation, I'm truly grateful

Francel, Faxman is being extremely harsh in the way she's expressing herself but as your DD's get older you'll probably look back and think she did have a point.

I only wish she could have said it in a less hostile manner to a young woman who's only a few years into life with a DD who has additional needs.

O.P -it does seem that getting some real life support would be more helpful. You are understandably delicate and defensive but your reading of this thread is different to mine.

I think everyone on here has tried to be supportive and helpful. They have offered their views looking at the needs of different people in this scenario and some from personally informed perspectives of living with disability and the impact it has.

I am sorry you haven't found it helpful and supportive. Hope you can access the help you need.

Best wishes x