AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

[FranceIsBacon]

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

Yeah Devilish let's all place blame elsewhere and never make an effort to positively move forward with our families.

It isn't whoresdoevres....

Why are you assuming her DD2 will have no way of comprehending what's going on? Are you talking about the party itself as I'm sure the OP said she'd enjoy the balloons, laughter and cake. (Tbh those are the main reasons I go to a party too.)

If you mean she would have no way of comprehending that she was being excluded then that's quite a big assumption and also totally missing the point.

My children are old enough to assess and seem pretty happy with how we have done things. They recognise that they have missed out on some things (doesn't everyone?) and they certainly recognise that their childhoods have been distinctly weird. But they seem to take pleasure from that in some ways and laugh while talking about it. They also know the periods when things were very, very difficult (for all in the family) & also know that their needs were considered during that time.

Even in the very difficult times their needs were protected as much a possible. And guess what / we'd have avoided people who were uncomfortable with ds1.

TBH OP is still in the stage where she's finding out who is useful and who is useless in a crisis. Pre-school years were hell for that. Once we'd got through that stage we didn't really have any contact with people who couldn't cope with ds1 so this sort of situation didn't arise.

That's not what's actually happening here, though. If that's what you actually do think people are trying to say, I can only suggest you re-read the sibling posts on this thread more carefully

And I suggest you stop confusing me with posters who are talking about the opinions of siblings on this thread. I am not. Not every post on here is directly addressing you.
Are you aware of how patronising your tone is?

But you know their childhood have been weird in other ways as well. And they take pleasure from that as well. They complain about each other far more than they complain about their brother. Ds3 worries about his eldest brother but he worries about everything - his anxiety hasn't been created by ds1 - it would be there worrying about other things anyway.

If someone was being made to miss out on a friend's party aged 15 because of their disabled sibling then I might be worried, but that is not happening at all in this case. When my son was 5 his siblings lives were very entwined in his. They haven't been for years.

Only on mumsnet eh? How the hell op being entitled?

This isn't some random party, it's a family party

I can't even tell you how upset I would be in your situation op.

YADNBU!

I think it's a shame that some people are so aggressive towards other posters in the name of defending their children.

I think it's a shame that anyone thinks it's acceptable to exclude/discriminate against a child because they have disabilities.

I'm the older sibling in this scenario - DSis (my only sibling) who is profoundly disabled. I wasn't going to post until I saw TuckingFaxmans comments and felt my blood boil a little (Sorry Fax).

I see little 'problematic' in anything you have said. You sound very much like my parents OP in the way you talk of your children (although my Aunties are lovely in contrast to your SIL apparently!!) and our childhood was a blast - my DSis and I are a year apart and I do agree that having a disabled sibling gives you a very different perspective on the world and one which I wouldn't swap for anything. In my experience (and I appreciate that is limited) all the other Sibs I know in the same position feel the same but I also appreciate that's not the case for everyone, such as fax perhaps, but I think you've been on the receiving end of some very unnecessary words here.

I think you sound like a lovely Mum and wish you and your lovely family all the very best xxxxxx

Oh yes, I almost forgot, YADNBU!!

I haven't seen anyone being aggressive. I've seen some people getting a bit blustery because they're being called out on excluding a disabled child. Is that what you mean?

Who were you referring to then thefirst in your post about outsiders offering opinions on siblings?

Interesting POV flax
Anyway, I really hope there is a good explaination to the invite and that it was done on other grounds than malice (birthday child specifically asking for one cousin, SIL not wanting the parents to attend...)

Very much agree with you there fax and suspect you're right too on the common ground. This is always such an emotive topic, and one I find it can be hard to articulate clearly, especially online but I struggle absolutely with the 'Oh gosh, that must have been so hard' and 'You must have missed out on so much' talk (IRL). As you will well know, the view is very different when you're not on the outside looking in

I completely missed where the OP was hostile.

OP you are right to feel upset and right to not take your dd1. It is incredibly hurtful to your dd2, you as parents but also to dd1.

As thatsnotapotato said I also have a severely disabled sibling, we had a lot of fun as children and we're still very close. What negatively affected my childhood was the negative reaction of others to my sibling, it made me feel upset for her, guilty I was accepted and she wasn't, uncomfortable /embarrassed. It's only a matter of time before your DD may have these same feelings.

Make it clear to family that you come as a unit or not at all and you'll never accept one child being excluded. I feel sad and angry on your behalf.