AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

[FranceIsBacon]

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

Yanbu at all!

I also read a comment earlier about children resenting their disabled siblings. I don't think that's a fair comment, I am so so so happy my brother is in my life.

It's entirely possible to love your sibling madly, be glad they are in your life, and still, as a child, occasionally resent that family life necessarily has to put them first, and that your wishes and needs almost always have to come second. (And then you feel guilty for feeling resentful. That's not fun, either. And then you have to put a happy face on it and pretend to your mum that it's fine, because you know there's no alternative, and it would only make her unhappy and guilty too if you were honest.) It's natural and it's human, and doesn't mean you are a horrible person who doesn't love their sibling, and it does nobody any good at all to pretend it isn't sometimes like this.

In some ways I agree that having a sibling withSEN can make a child a "better" person. I have two daughters, youngest has SEN. My older daughter has a lot of empathy towards the other children in her school with SEN. One example, there is a boy in her class with Autism, the other kids don't play with him and think he is annoying and sometimes even tease him or snigger at him. My DD does not do this, she makes time for this boy and consideres him a friend. She thinks he is "awesome" and says he can't help being different. She is 9. I know this is one example in a sea of thousands but thought it was worth mentioning as the OP got flamed for suggesting that her DD won't always suffer for having a disabled sister, and in some ways will make her a "better"person.

Sandsunsea I hope that my kids encounter kids with the same attitude as your daughter throughout their lives, it makes a massive difference

Fax, you've been given a really tough time on this thread, which I appreciate is sensitive for everyone involved.

Just wanted to say that I get it and I hope you don't feel bad.

It's natural and it's human, and doesn't mean you are a horrible person who doesn't love their sibling, and it does nobody any good at all to pretend it isn't sometimes like this

I think this is where the passing of time comes into it. I doubt I'd have been able to even think about it years ago let alone accept it.

The reality is that we do the family members of those with SN a disservice if we don't allow them to be fed up at times because its easier on us to believe they never get fed up.

It's natural and it's human, and doesn't mean you are a horrible person who doesn't love their sibling, and it does nobody any good at all to pretend it isn't sometimes like this

But it is also worth noting that for many of us it has never been like that. Any times I have been 'fed up' with my DSis have been entirely unrelated to her SN/disabilities, nor the amount of care and attention that she desperately needed to survive. They've been to do with things like her 'borrowing my clothes' (DM dressing her in them by mistake) or her getting the Now 24 CD for Christmas when I got the Spice girls one and it should have been the other way round.....or when we both want something different on the TV and we fight about it....(yes, profoundly disabled people have television interests too ). it's just normal, sibling things. I can't understand why so many people seem to think that life with a disabled sibling is somehow extraordinarily unlike one without a disabled sibling. Siblings are siblings, and in the same way no two 'non-disabled' siblings' relationship would likely be very different from another 'non-disabled' siblings', the same applies to those of us with disabled siblings.

I'm not saying it's like this for everyone, nor that being a family with additional needs isn't in many ways harder, but these things are all relative. Not everyone's gauge of 'normal' is the same xx

Annie and Faxman, thank you for your posts. My experience as a sixty year old sibling of an autistic brother a few years older than me is complicated

As a child my parents tried to make me include my older brother when I played with my same age friends. This was very difficult for me, I couldn't articulate why at the time and felt ashamed that I didn't always want to bring him with me, for instance when I went to a junior disco with my girl friends as a young teenager. I ended up not socialising with friends to avoid being pressurised to take my brother with me, as he had no friends of his own. Looking back now I can see that it was inappropriate and unfair of my parents to do this.

As an adult I have spent decades as one of my brother's primary carer and I will be responsible for him now (as his only sibling and closest relative) until one of us dies. Something I have made peace with, but can still worry me at times.

Thatsnotapotato. I'm raising two daughters, one with SEN and it has really helped reading your post. THank you

Totally agree with you and your husband. It's not on and I would be seething

His siblings get good and bad from the situation

And there in lies the truth which is far from how things were even a few pages ago.

Stella I think the fact that having to put a sibling (who you love) first all through your life, and not just as a child, is a thing that many people without experience of this just don't understand. And it's great if there are people with siblings with disabilities who haven't experienced this, but it happens to a lot of us, and I see it happening to other friends' children, too. (And the children often don't breathe a word of it to their parents, because they know there's no point, and nothing will change - because it can't - except their parents and their high-needs sibling would also feel upset and guilty.)

It's this notion of 'putting the disabled sibling first' I just don't understand. There is a massive difference between one child being shoved to one side because of a sibling disability, and one child having less of their parents' time due to the needs of their sibling. In my personal experience (and I appreciate it is just that) I never missed out on a thing due to DSis being disabled, because of the way my parents chose to manage things, but without question DSis of course had more of their time - she needed an hour of physio morning and night, speech therapy, physical therapy, medicating, feeding, dressing, bathing etc.......plus the endless hospital admissions and consultations and visits....but as a family we travelled, we laughed, we got muddy, we made bug houses, we hunted buried treasure, we camped in the garden etc..... it's about balance, and balance doesn't have to be determined by equality, it should be determined by need. In my case I was never 'protected' or 'shielded' from what was going on. I was involved with everything (hospital meetings, treatments, personal care etc) and in truth, I felt, and have always felt and will always feel, like a very important part of the support team for DSis because I have always been included in situations and decisions. I always felt so immensely proud, and continue to do so, of her and also my own role as her big sister. Very very rarely, and in fact I have never personally encountered, a family with a disabled child where the disabled child is 'put first' over and above the needs of their siblings. Different children simply need different things, and the same applies to ALL families, not just ones with disabled children.

To those of you suggesting that there will be parties that only DD1 is invited to, of course that's true. DD1's school friends possibly don't even know about DD2.

But this is family. They shouldn't exclude a disabled nephew, that's not right. And DH's reaction suggests that he's seen this in his sister before, if it made him as mad as he is over this.

I'm going to suggest from the party host perspective that it's nothing to with them not wanting your dd2 there because she's disabled. Probably more to do with space as well as not wanting lots of adults hanging about in their home.
Presumably dd2 needs full time care?

It's not a family gathering, it's a school birthday party with an invite extended to dd1 presumably to give her a break too and a bit of fun away from her sister?

Nothing wrong with that at all. I think it's a shame it's caused her to miss out on attending.

It's not always appropriate for others to attend things and the host shouldn't really have to give an explanation tbh.