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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand how my friend can afford to send her daughter to private school?

294 replies

user1494078639 · 04/09/2017 14:44

Hi there ladies,

My first post here, but have been a member for a few months.

My friend went down the sperm donation route at 29. She had her daughter at 34. Her daughter is now 6... What I don't understand is she is at a private prep school, she also paid nursery fees, etc. without ever moaning to me, which is something a lot of us to talk about.

She did do a biology degree, but she has stayed in a lab role, so is only on around 30k.

She lives in a really nice newly built 2 bed flat (SE) and has a nice car :( recently gone on a Disney cruise! None of her family are about, I just don't get it.

We are on 56k joint income and really struggle, I know we have 2, but they are in state school, we struggle to go on a 'holiday of a lifetime' and it's always cornwall. maybe spain every few years.

I sound so jealous don't I!?

Honestly though, AIBU to not understand how she does it?

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 04/09/2017 17:45

To be fair the is assuming a 30k salary

StealthPolarBear · 04/09/2017 17:48

well hopefully I've made it clear that I'm irritated by any suggestion other than this qualified professional is earning her money

Want2bSupermum · 04/09/2017 17:48

caileach I fly home every three weeks to see my Dad, take him to the doctor and make sure all is ok. I bring one child with me, normally the baby. DH earns way more than me but most people assume I make pin money. In fact this year my salary including bonus from my job will be more than double what the OPs household income. I'm not ashamed at all of this. I'm very proud that I've been able to stay employed and increase my income after being laid off 3 times in 4 years. I've had to retrain, qualifying while pregnant and yes I've made sacrifices.

Ironically we can easily afford to go private but use our local public school where we live in USA.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/09/2017 17:51

This is an odd first post. Are you teasing us to provoke personal stories?

jobergamot · 04/09/2017 17:57

If you have food in your fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of the world.

If you have money in the bank, your wallet, and some spare change you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy....

She probably gets tax credits as a single parent btw.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 04/09/2017 17:58

She maybe earns more thank you think?

We are sending DD to private school, her first day is Wednesday (sob!), people have actually said to us "how on earth are you affording that" and "did you know you have to pay fees to that school" Hmm I also found out this morning that the mum's of the pre-school DD went to thought I was lying about her new school. The catchment school started today, I got a FB message from one nosey bitch mum asking if DD was OK as she wasn't in registration. When I said she's not going to X School, she's at Y school and starts on Wednesday she said "oh we didn't think you were serious" 🙄

We live in a moderately priced house, not anything posh, we don't buy expensive clothes, we holiday once a year for a week (but never have weekend trips, concerts etc) and don't splurge. 2 years ago our joint income was about £35k but thanks to DH's business going well that has now doubled. People will probably wonder how we can afford private school on 35k, but we've never told anyone that actually we're doing better than we did financially. why would we unless they asked? And no one has asked!

Also I read today that Prince George's school fees are £6k per term. Ours are a third of that (there's only 3 terms) and actually (before we got 15 free hours) are the same annual costs for sending DD to nursery, no one ever asked how we could afford that though.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 04/09/2017 17:58

But I do now wonder if anyone in my life is assuming that I'm a hooker HmmGrin

Janeismymiddlename · 04/09/2017 18:00

How dare this SINGLE MOTHER have a better life than you op?

That's about it, isn't it? Not said so explicitly but it is what it comes down to. I am a single mother and I am reasonably well off. Because I made a move from the SE to the north and have no mortgage. Because I work a full time professional job and do two part time ones on the side. Because I lost my dad and had a small but very useful inheritance. Because I am careful with money generally. Fortunately I don't do the school run very often but when I do I have heard the said just a little bit deliberately loud 'how can she afford that?' Frankly, it is no one's business and if you are stupid enough to ask me directly, you will get a gob full!

It's similiar to the benefit bashing shite. People think they own you as a single mum and ask you all sorts they wouldn't dream of if you had a ring on your finger. I have 3 children and would be a millionaire if I had a pound for every time some cheeky cow asked me if they have the same dad. You'll get a gob full if you ask me that as well!

You are no friend, OP. I hope she hasn't recognised herself on here. I hope she has friends who are capable of friendship without judgement.

Ohbehave1 · 04/09/2017 18:00

We are on £56k joint income. Stealth boast, and quite distasteful there are many couple that would like half that.

mrsRosaPimento · 04/09/2017 18:02

I didn't even have a full trolley in Aldi this week. It cost £100.66. I didn't have any alcohol. Aldi isn't what it used to be.
Some people remortgage to pay for private education, or scholarship, grandparents, inheritance...

Mrsfenchurch · 04/09/2017 18:05

Jeez. You sound like the green eyed monster. And why on earth does 'going down the sperm donation route have ANYTHING to do with it????

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 04/09/2017 18:07

You do sound jealous and I find it in very bad taste that you put a sad face after saying she has a new car etc. Who needs enemy's eh when your friends not even happy for you and is jealous.

She could of got inheritance or have everything on credit or be selling her body. Who knows, we dont. Ask her!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 04/09/2017 18:10

Winnie my cousin DID have an affair with a millionaire and became pregnant (I think the wife was just mad as in cross though 😬) and uses the sizeable maintenance money to put her DD through private school! He doesn't see the child though and has never met her Sad my cousin works as a receptionist and has had an enormous amount of stick for having a baby by a married man, but not as much stick she has for using it to fund private education. I think some people won't be happy unless single mum's are feeding their kids pot noodle every night and self flagellating before bedtime, even if they have millions in the bank.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/09/2017 18:10

Maybe she mines etherium?

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 18:13

How will you feel op when you find out that this degree educated scientist earns more than you and your husband combined in her job working in a lab? More to be envious of? Or a relief to know?

You have no clue what her salary is. You made a silly prejudiced assumption. And I seriously doubt you've got lots of friends working in labs all earning 30k a year.. Because if you did they would have told you that salary could be way way above that and it depends on exactly what they are doing in that lab,

You did a quick Google, looked at the average and took that as your yard stick. Not taking into account scientist covers many different disciplines and levels of qualification, from Higher through to degree and above.

And yes, they all work in labs, just as many different people work in offices or factories, but they can do a number of different roles within that location and earn vastly different salaries.

So bottom line is this scientist probably earns a lot more than you and your husband combined and that's how she pays for her home and child's education and holidays.

How much do you earn?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 04/09/2017 18:14

Maybe 'working in a lab' is actually code for producing narcotics in pretty primary colours with an ex-student for a sidekick?

expatinscotland · 04/09/2017 18:14

'She probably gets tax credits as a single parent btw.'

Another myth, they all get benefits, those single parents! You don't get them on 30k/annum. She may be on more, we don't know. We do know the OP is no friend.

NashvilleQueen · 04/09/2017 18:15

Ref the holiday. One adult and a child is an awful lot cheaper than two adults and two children. That might explain that.

The school - she might be getting assistance with the fees from all sorts of sources you don't know about.

expatinscotland · 04/09/2017 18:17

Or she might be self-supporting entirely and not reliant on anyone or anything for her and her child's lifestyle.

Janeismymiddlename · 04/09/2017 18:18

She probably gets tax credits as a single parent btw

Oh god and fuck off with that one too. No such thing as single parent benefits and....newsflash....some single mothers earn too much anyway.

Someone pass me the gin.

MsMommie · 04/09/2017 18:20

None of your business OP.
What kind of 'friend' posts bullshit like this anyway.
You are not her friend.
Get a life.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 18:22

And she probably doesn't mention her salary op because she is out earning you and your husband by a fair distance and feels it would be tactless.

Nuttynoo · 04/09/2017 18:26

She probably earns more than OP and OP dh combined. I earn approximately double what I tell people (inc family) as I don't like showing off. Maybe she's similar?

titchy · 04/09/2017 18:27

She's probably significantly more senior than your friends. Why would you assume she gets the same?

Weird thread.

lottieandmia · 04/09/2017 18:28

You'll never know the reality of someone's finances unless you can see their bank account. I don't understand why you concern yourself with it.

Some people don't lay bare all the most personal details of their lives.