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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand how my friend can afford to send her daughter to private school?

294 replies

user1494078639 · 04/09/2017 14:44

Hi there ladies,

My first post here, but have been a member for a few months.

My friend went down the sperm donation route at 29. She had her daughter at 34. Her daughter is now 6... What I don't understand is she is at a private prep school, she also paid nursery fees, etc. without ever moaning to me, which is something a lot of us to talk about.

She did do a biology degree, but she has stayed in a lab role, so is only on around 30k.

She lives in a really nice newly built 2 bed flat (SE) and has a nice car :( recently gone on a Disney cruise! None of her family are about, I just don't get it.

We are on 56k joint income and really struggle, I know we have 2, but they are in state school, we struggle to go on a 'holiday of a lifetime' and it's always cornwall. maybe spain every few years.

I sound so jealous don't I!?

Honestly though, AIBU to not understand how she does it?

OP posts:
Sundayspilot · 04/09/2017 18:29

OP is likely like long gone by now, but I've overheard former friends talking like this about my family. Turns out my DH was seriously injured on his last tour of duty. He received a payout from the military that allowed us some small financial freedoms. His injury is not visible.

It never occurred to me that people would assume I was prostituting myself, though Shock The things you learn on MN!

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 04/09/2017 18:29

She won't be getting tax credits on 30k for one child so that's incorrect.

I find it so sad that someone would actually be jealous of their friend who is a single mum because she is doing well for herself. Absolutely sickening.

user997799779977 · 04/09/2017 18:29

Maybe she is the female Walter White.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 04/09/2017 18:30

Sundayspilot I'm pretty sure most of the suggestions of prostitution were said sarcastically!

Shakey15000 · 04/09/2017 18:43

Just ask her Confused

ComputerUserNotTrained · 04/09/2017 18:43

I earn (gross) about the same as the friend's supposedly does. I absolutely do not qualify for anything beyond child benefit.

Magicnumbers · 04/09/2017 18:47

Gotto, my thoughts exactly- why would the OP be anything other than happy that a friend appears not to have money worries? If the OP has money worries then they ought to address that instead of being so resentful of others' good luck or financial Angry

Janeismymiddlename · 04/09/2017 18:49

Just ask her

Seriously? When was the last time you said to a friend 'look, I've been having a bit of a Google and you clearly don't earn very much so how is it that you are able to pay for private schooling and drive a decent car? We earn far more than you and can't afford all that!'

You can't have many friends with that kind of approach.

WinnieTheMe · 04/09/2017 18:50

Damnit! Other people got in with the Walter White suggestion before I could!

More seriously, it's probably something dull like inheritance/higher salary than you realise/good money management/investments. Or a combo combined. But it is completely pointless people speculating on MN as we none of us have a clue about some total strangers finances and none of us have any way of telling. It shouldn't really matter anyway.

SweetIcedTea · 04/09/2017 19:00

If I had £1 for every time someone told me with absolute confidence (when I became single) that I'd get tax credits I'd have at lease £23. In fact my ex MIL informed me the other week that I don't pay as much tax now, because it's a fact that all single parents get tax credits, someone she know ex DIL gets tax credits so as we're all exactly the same .....

I get a discount on my council tax, because I'm the only adult in the house, and child benefit because I earn under £50K and that's it.

MistressDeeCee · 04/09/2017 19:01

Maybe she had an inheritance, maybe she is a very careful and precise shopper, maybe she uses Groupon or Wowcher or Travelzoo for cheap hols, who knows? & why are you writing about your friend and her money/lifestyle on an internet forum anyway?

If you were really a friend you'd ask her lightly how she manages so well/you'd love to send your DC to private school/go on a cruise etc. But no - what you want to do is incite speculation here. Jealousy and envy is ugly and doesn't get you what you want in life.

Focus on your own finances. You're a 2 parent family look at maximising your income then, and if you're shit with money which is why you can't afford the things you want, then admit that and address it

I often read stuff on here and think, so many people out there with so called friends nosing into and speculating on their lives. They need to be careful about sharing but I suppose they don't know they're the object of envy do they

Grimbles · 04/09/2017 19:05

Even if she is on 30k a year, she's had 11 yrs to save up if she decided when she was TTC that her future child would be privately educated.

Just like DH and I have been putting a bit by each month to put DS through uni if he wants to go in 13 yrs time. It's what a lot of parents do.

Grimbles · 04/09/2017 19:08

Janeismymiddlename. It's quite easy...

'you are sending you DS to st. custards, I thought it was really expensive?'

' oh, DS got a bursary / we saved up / we came into some money'

Ted27 · 04/09/2017 19:08

I'm a single mum. I have a house but no car. I dont go out much though have a serious Starbucks habit. We had a nice expensive holiday this year. Because I saved for a year for it. Won't be doing it again for several years.

Lucyccfc · 04/09/2017 19:13

Friend of mine earns less than that and her daughter went to a private school. She got a bursary due to her salary and grandparents pay the rest.

BakedBeans47 · 04/09/2017 19:14

If "none of her family are about" it sounds like it could be an inheritance, surely.

We have similar income to you OP similar holidays etc as long as we are all doing OK I don't really care what other people do or have. There's more to life than what money can buy you

Whatthesausage · 04/09/2017 19:14

Someone we know always makes spiteful digs at us going to disney every other year along the lines of how can we possibly afford that blah. Same person also turns her nose up at our kids wearing hand me downs and us shopping in Aldi. OP i dont think this lady is actually your friend is she.

happypoobum · 04/09/2017 19:16

Ah St.Custards! It's a great school Grin

JustHereForThePooStories · 04/09/2017 19:18

I have a family member who constantly refers to my salary in a derogatory way. Little things like "I know it must be difficult for you, on your salary" etc. She knows the broad work I do, but not the specifics. I'm in a highly specialised and niche role on £80k and usually gross closer to £100k with bonuses etc.

You don't sound like a very good friend. You're begrudging the education of a child borne to a single mother under circumstance that I can only imagine wasn't her first choice.

Grimbles · 04/09/2017 19:19

Happypoobum

As any fule kno! Chiz chiz chiz

happypoobum · 04/09/2017 19:27

They is gonna make grate friendz like Grabber......

TurquoiseDress · 04/09/2017 19:36

A few acquaintances/mums I know who send their kids to private school- one works most weekends or evening shifts to earn extra money to fund school fees, she has 3 kids and wants them all to go down the private route.

One other friend only works part-time/3 days a week and her husband is in a lab research role. Their 2 girls go to the local prestigious pre-prep/prep school, complete with expensive uniform/boater hats.
Her parents live overseas and her dad is a very well off business man- she told me that if it weren't for her parents generosity, her kids would be in the local state school. And her & DH would still be renting their home.

There is always an explanation or story behind these things.
Obviously your friend is finding a way to afford private schooling for her child. The two examples above, the mums have told me outright how they pay for private schooling, I didn't need to ask too many questions and I am a rather nosy person!

Janeismymiddlename · 04/09/2017 19:38

Janeismymiddlename. It's quite easy...'you are sending you DS to st. custards, I thought it was really expensive?'' oh, DS got a bursary / we saved up / we came into some money'

Yes, easy of course. But you wouldn't get an answer from me and I am certainly not the only person who would find any need to comment on my financial situation offensive. What the fuck has it got to do with anyone?

usernameavailable · 04/09/2017 19:42

I was going to post a long comment! But instead I am just going to put...
Look at your own finances before you look at your friends! How rude! Now maybe you should hope your friend is not on here and recognises your username or the fact you are on about her!!!

Ackvavit · 04/09/2017 19:49

Lots of grandparents fund grandchildrens education, it's a better investment for them quite often. I'd be inclined to wonder how people on the so called breadline afford Sky TV booze, fags and tattoos if I'm honest. We all have extravagances other people might question such as travel or cars or designer clothes. If she has a job and the child is in a safe environment then the thread is kore about you. We fund our now adult children living somewhere they could not afford on their current salaries because we see it as an investment and the opportunities open to them are huge. They probably won't need the money we might leave them as they will be established by then so we see it as a great chance to give them a step up the ladder. Just enjoy your family.