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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand how my friend can afford to send her daughter to private school?

294 replies

user1494078639 · 04/09/2017 14:44

Hi there ladies,

My first post here, but have been a member for a few months.

My friend went down the sperm donation route at 29. She had her daughter at 34. Her daughter is now 6... What I don't understand is she is at a private prep school, she also paid nursery fees, etc. without ever moaning to me, which is something a lot of us to talk about.

She did do a biology degree, but she has stayed in a lab role, so is only on around 30k.

She lives in a really nice newly built 2 bed flat (SE) and has a nice car :( recently gone on a Disney cruise! None of her family are about, I just don't get it.

We are on 56k joint income and really struggle, I know we have 2, but they are in state school, we struggle to go on a 'holiday of a lifetime' and it's always cornwall. maybe spain every few years.

I sound so jealous don't I!?

Honestly though, AIBU to not understand how she does it?

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 04/09/2017 16:33

I do feel that you don't sound like much of a friend if you're that jealous of her, she's obviously alone in the world with no family and presumably single from what you said.

She possibly had a substantial inheritance, which would account for her having more than you. She might own her home outright without a mortgage, which I did when I bought my first flat because of an inheritance while I worked as a humble legal secretary.

But money isn't everything, and neither is private education. I went to a private school and so did my DSis for a shorter time, but we're still suffering from the traumatic childhood we had. Then I had to go through infertility and the adoption process, we're in a happy place with our DDs now though.

Life isn't simple; you never know what battles your friends are going through. Being alone in the world and a single mum, albeit through choice, must be very lonely sometimes. She might envy you your happy relationship.

implantsandaDyson · 04/09/2017 16:34

Witsender I think you're right - think the OP is dancing around what she wants to say.

NannyRed · 04/09/2017 16:34

After my divorce in 2000 I bought a nice 2 bed house, just me and my daughter living there. I ran a car, I holidayed abroad each year with her. My mortgage was not too high and within a year or two I was quite comfortable on my salary.
Maybe your 'friend ' has just managed her money well. I'm sorry but I don't see that this is really any of your business.

On a side note, if I ever needed some extra cash, I worked on one of those "Sexy girls want to talk to you right now" chat lines. Even back ten years ago they paid £10ph which was the same as my regular day job at that time.

I'd have been pissed off upset had I thought my friend was discusssing how I funded my lifestyle. I occasionally went out, occasionally had a takeaway and occasionally indulged in a bottle of wine in the early days of my mortgage.

Anatidae · 04/09/2017 16:35

No I don't know her exact salary but she works in a lab and that's around what my other friends who work in labs get.

Wages depend what you do. If you're an animal tech or receiving packages or building kits it's very low wages.
If you're managing multimillion dollar projects, leading teams or in management it can be six figures. If you're a senior scientist even in academia you'd be on more than 30k

"Working in a lab" doesn't mean much, any more than "working in an office" does.

OfficerVanHalen · 04/09/2017 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsGameandWatching · 04/09/2017 16:38

I bet MrsJayy!

The thing is and what people don't realise is how much cheaper it is to do things as a single parent family. I don't drink either so when we go somewhere I simply am not having to shell out as much as say a family of four where both the adults drink and the family will eat out in nice places. When I go away I spend as much as I would spend on the week living here. I compare to what my ex and I would spend on holidays when we went away and my outlay is only about a third of that, not to mention that you're only paying child prices anyway. A Disney cruise for one adult and one child is peanuts compared to one for two adults and two children where the adults will be drinking most nights.

Cailleach666 · 04/09/2017 16:38

My next door neighbours think I don't work.

They see me gardening, shopping, going to the gym most days, taking kids to school, putting stuff out to the bin, always casually dressed, pottering about the house and garden, hanging out laundry at lunchtime.

I earn 50K a year.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/09/2017 16:39

Hang on a minute...

You say that your friend went into lab work after her biology degree & stuck at it - so has probably had a few promotions or extra responsibilities along the way.

She had her one & only DC at 34. So, assuming she maybe started working at 23/24 ish - on a pretty good wage for a single person - why don't you think that she might have started saving then for her future DC's school fees? Or just saving in general, which could be seeing her through now?

She obviously planned to have her DD, as she "went down the sperm donor route" - maybe she is just more sensible than most and made sure she was in a secure financial position before doing so? Heck, maybe she budgeted for 5 more rounds of IVF than she eventually needed & is now using that money for her DD's school fees?

Also "no family around" does suggest a strong possibility of an inheritance somewhere, maybe many years ago now, but which could have been invested wisely in order to pay for her future DC's education.

Most threads like this generally boil down to jealousy that some people are actually better with money than others.

Zadig · 04/09/2017 16:43

How on earth can anybody on here speculate about this friend? Confused
Maybe she got a bursary, an inheritance, earns more than you think OP - who knows? Sounds like you want to speculate that she's either on the game or on benefits. Ridiculous.

Ellisandra · 04/09/2017 16:44

I'm a single mother and I took my child on 3 foreign holidays this year.

Feel sad about that Smile

I only work in an office too.
My job title is the kind that a job search would give a range of salaries from 16K to 120K - it all depends on whether you do a little admin part of it, or manage a huge team with buck stops here responsibility for it.
You'd never guess what I earn.

I'm LMAO at you deciding what she earns because she "works in a lab".

Also something you wouldn't know if you met me now... I live in a cheap house in the north west. But I used to have a flat in the SE. Made money on it, ploughed that into s flashy forever home in the NE. Divorced. Took my 50% equity and bought outright because I decided to downsize. Having no mortgage leaves me money for holidays - but if you didn't know my history you'd have no idea that I was mortgage free.

SweetIcedTea · 04/09/2017 16:44

If she's never been married she hasn't had to pay off an ex husband either, she's been in control of her own finances and probably managed them really well. I'd be in a much better position financially if I'd never got married and had just had DD myself.

wowfudge · 04/09/2017 16:44

Maybe the child won a scholarship or they get a bursary as your friend is a single parent. Maybe there's a mysterious benefactor. If your friend has no family it's possible she has inherited from her parents and may have a trust fund.

BigGreenOlives · 04/09/2017 16:48

She might have been in a nasty accident & received compensation, or maybe her parents were killed in an accident & she is their sole heir. Or she writes incredibly successful best-sellers under an alias. We'll never know!

StealthPolarBear · 04/09/2017 16:54

or maybe just maybe she earns a decent salary

EssentialHummus · 04/09/2017 16:57

What an odd thread. OP the one thing I'd add, if you're genuinely puzzled about this, is that I think it's fine to say to your friend, "Look, we wanted to consider private school for our two, but we can't make the numbers add up - how do you do it?" She's then within her rights to tell you/fob you off/tell you to go jump, but at least you're asking the person who knows rather than a bunch of randoms off the internet.

FWIW I'm another one who is earning well doing something legitimate, but who I imagine looks like a "lady of leisure" from the outside. No one bloody asks, everyone assumes I live off DH's earnings.

peterpancollar · 04/09/2017 16:59

Comparison is the thief of joy!

You could always just ask her one day. Spring clean your own finances - with not a huge amount of effort, you can definitely prioritise and make savings within your own budget.

It's only human to have such thoughts now and then - it doesn't make you a crap friend to have the odd bitchy thought...we've all done it.

Gorgosparta · 04/09/2017 16:59

Fact is she can afford it.

Doesnt matter why.

You only have control over your own money. If you want better things look at where you can start saving. 57k isnt a pittance.

Autofillcontact · 04/09/2017 17:00

£57k isn't enough to have 2 children in private school though. Unless there are busaries

TurquoiseOwI · 04/09/2017 17:01

@StealthPolarBear - isn't it funny how everyone is coming up with all these reasons... Like it's impossible she is funding it herself and actually has a good wage.

SavoyCabbage · 04/09/2017 17:02

Perhaps the dd got a scholarship for being a genius then she will have another reason that her life is Much Better Than Yours.

Disn3yN3rd · 04/09/2017 17:04

Why does it make any difference to you? If you are her friend surely you should be happy she isn't struggling rather than being jealous?

Ttbb · 04/09/2017 17:07

Prep school usually isn't that expensive. If she is otherwise careful with her money it should be doable for only one child. But by the sounds of it either she earns a lot more than you think she does or she has got money from somewhere else (maybe her child isn't a sperm donor baby after all?). It's quite possible that the money comes from an inheritance or that she saved up a lot of money before having her DD. Maybe she made a good amount of money from property? Or invested in bitcoin? Whatever it is good for her. Would love to know how she does it though-maybe I could replicate her success?

VinIsGroot · 04/09/2017 17:07

Things like this do my head in. I know a family with 4 kids in social housing... DH works as a mechanic.... Been to Australia, Spain and Cornwall this year. Spent £13,000 on a vehicle....have 3 cars.
How do they do it ???? I want magic money !!!

Autofillcontact · 04/09/2017 17:09

Because social housing is cheap vilns? Isn't your one obvious? 😂

BeeMyBaby · 04/09/2017 17:09

I've not read the whole thread to see if it has been suggested but due to charitable status, many private schools have to give certain children a scholarship, I know one school which gives this scholarship to children whose fathers have died, maybe the child falls into that category as she doesn't have a father, therefore the schooling is free?

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