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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand how my friend can afford to send her daughter to private school?

294 replies

user1494078639 · 04/09/2017 14:44

Hi there ladies,

My first post here, but have been a member for a few months.

My friend went down the sperm donation route at 29. She had her daughter at 34. Her daughter is now 6... What I don't understand is she is at a private prep school, she also paid nursery fees, etc. without ever moaning to me, which is something a lot of us to talk about.

She did do a biology degree, but she has stayed in a lab role, so is only on around 30k.

She lives in a really nice newly built 2 bed flat (SE) and has a nice car :( recently gone on a Disney cruise! None of her family are about, I just don't get it.

We are on 56k joint income and really struggle, I know we have 2, but they are in state school, we struggle to go on a 'holiday of a lifetime' and it's always cornwall. maybe spain every few years.

I sound so jealous don't I!?

Honestly though, AIBU to not understand how she does it?

OP posts:
Ackvavit · 04/09/2017 19:52

^more not kore🙄

BellaNoche · 04/09/2017 20:05

My friend is single and works in a lab. It's a hell of a bus ride to work though.
I'm very proud of her achievements- as she had a rotten childhood.

OP Should I be worried that she is only on £30k?
home.cern/

areyoubeingserviced · 04/09/2017 20:14

It really gets my goat when people make nasty assumptions about the way people make their money.
There is a great deal of envy from others when one is successful, even from so called 'friends '.

Desperad0 · 04/09/2017 20:22

Maybe the school offers a year round package and the cost isn't hugely more than before school, after school and holiday club would be?
Even so it's not really your business, if she wanted you to know she would discuss it with you

midnightmisssuki · 04/09/2017 20:42

Op - I am thankful I don't the have friends like you. You sound bloody awful and judgemental. I hope your friend picks up this thread and realises you are not her friend! This thread really has made me Shock for the first time on here.

midnightmisssuki · 04/09/2017 20:43

And to the poster who suggested she was a working girl - just wow.Shock

Mellington · 04/09/2017 20:51

My MiL has raised her youngest as a single parent, put him through private school and lives in a lovely four story town house valued at a million quid, she has an office admin job, she has no financial input from her ex nor was she given any settlement.

She is very careful with money.

It can be done, just because you can't do it doesn't make it impossible.

whichwaynow82 · 04/09/2017 20:58

Probably a bursary and low fees

FenceSitter01 · 04/09/2017 21:06

I worked in a private school some years back. Over a third were on FSM, they were all on funded scholarships.

JemmyBloocher · 04/09/2017 21:42

I second a bursary. Under 40k for most private schools and you can apply for a bursary and/or scholarship.

BreakfastAtStephanies · 04/09/2017 21:43

OP your DC have a father.

Money can't buy that.

Does your friend have a DH/DP ?

I like the sound of your life better than hers, with family holidays even if basic. Plenty of good state schools around.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 04/09/2017 22:16

OP, I was in your friend's approximate situation some years back and it never occurred to me that my "friends" might speculate on my financial position. Ex H was effectively a sperm donor as he didn't want contact and paid no maintenance. I worked overseas as an expat for 10 years, on a very good income. Came back the UK, bought property virtually outright so had very low outgoings for DD (then 5) and me. Private school was easier because a) I came back at short notice and was only offered the local "rough" state school and b) private meant that DD was in the same place from 8 until 5.30 - I was commuting. Otherwise I wouldn't have chosen that route. Savings from the previous 10 years plus a £50k salary meant that the £10k school fees were by far my largest outgoing. So it can be very simple 😀.

WhamBamThankyouGeorge · 05/09/2017 09:40

Give the OP a break. She doesn't sound half as nasty as most of the posters...
I think she may have phrased a few things badly and then had to run away!!
I think all she meant was what am I doing wrong. "It is sad to see" presumably does not mean she wishes bad things upon her friend, but that it makes her sad to see that she cannot provide the same education for her two. Yes, a bit jealous, but a normal emotion. Who doesn't want to provide the best for their children.
So in response OP (if you're silently watching) it's impossible to know (I like Winnie's dashing millionaire theory ;-)). If you want to yourself, I'd think it unlikely you could privately educate two all the way through on £56k if you don't have any inheritance or savings, but you could consider which chunk of education you deem most important and perhaps go private for the GCSE or A level years (if you think the benefit outweighs the upheaval of moving schools). You could get some advice on your finances...

MrsOverTheRoad · 05/09/2017 09:41

My DD attended a small private prep from reception until year 3. We had a hefty bursary.

Lurkedforever1 · 05/09/2017 10:29

I never understand how families with two parents on average wage and above, or one parent on far more, can constantly be struggling for money and moaning they can't afford luxuries. Just because they are crap at budgeting it doesn't mean anyone managing well on half that must have a secret income.

But Flowers for you op, must be really difficult for you seeing a lone parent doing well, and even having some things you don't, when she should really know her place below you in society. No wonder you are 'sad', just as you were all set to pity her and her poor dd she's failed to remain in her inferior role.

TabbyCatPaws · 05/09/2017 11:34

So she works hard, earns well and has a good lifestyle. Isn't that what we all aspire to? Why is it a problem to you OP? She probably earns more than you've assumed and may well have done for several years. Why aren't you pleased for your friend??

HairyToity · 05/09/2017 11:37

I always find it fascinating how other people spend their money. We and most of our friends have gone down the state route, but have a few who have gone down private route. Paid as follows:

  1. Single full time working mum - a little bit of help from ex and her parents, but also taken loans. She has always been determined to privately educate. She does top public schools. She was state educated.
  2. This couple have similar income to us, but bought a house much earlier and left having children later, so presumably smaller mortgage and saved more pre children.
  3. Maternal Grandad pays the fees. The mum is an only child on her dads side (parents divorced) and has a youngish father (late 50s) who earns a big salary as an expat. He is much more passionate on need for private education than parents.
KarmaNoMore · 05/09/2017 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 05/09/2017 11:50

Karma why? Why would the spermicide donor earn any more than the mother?

SnowBells · 05/09/2017 11:54

My money is on inheritance. There's a lot of that around — especially here in the UK, where seemingly normal people actually end up coming from ridiculously posh families or 'benefitted' from more normal family inheritance and life insurance money...

StealthPolarBear · 05/09/2017 11:56

Aargh
Woman earns decent money SHOCK

Lurkedforever1 · 05/09/2017 12:00

stealth because a single female can't possibly be financially supporting and raising her child well all by herself, there must be a man or supportive wealthy family on the scene. If she was an entirely lone parent then she'd be a scrounger dragging her child up or an object of pity, and as she doesn't fit those definitions she must therefore have hidden support, she isn't allowed to be managing everything as well as a couple on her own.

BumblebeeBum · 05/09/2017 12:13

I'd assume her child is on a bursary or scholarship. Much nicer to think that (and less far fetched!) than think she's a prositute!

SnowBells · 05/09/2017 12:15

OK. To the OP or to anyone who starts wondering about this. DH and I have a combined six-figure salary in gross terms (just about). I know several young people (left uni a couple of years ago or so) who earn probably half of what I earn. They seem perfectly normal, live in modest flats, don't have the typical public school accents (grammar school)... until one day you realize they always fly business/first even outside of work.

Reason? Moneyed families. You realize their families live Downton Abbey style in the most expensive parts of Britain. Some people's parents were farmers who made a fortune (millions) selling land to developers. So the parents came into money whilst the kids were growing up, sent them to normal schools - hence, they seem completely normal and you think they're just like you, but they actually have a huge advantage over you.

Obviously, it's disheartening to realize that you can work your a** off and never be as rich as someone who inherited. I mean... even in our case... when I inherit, I will have access to a small trust (shared with siblings, hence small) that others will not have. So others may wonder how I can afford things they can't, although they may do the same job as me.

Twistmeandturnme · 05/09/2017 12:18

As a single parent I had much more free income than now I'm married. Two adults just can't live as cheaply as one. Primary fees are similar to nursery fees so not a significant increase in outgoings.
Private sector graduate lab folk here (cambs) earn significantly more than 30K with 10 years experience, especially if they are involved in immunology or genetics.
I think you aren't being U to wonder but are being U to be suspicious or jealous.