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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand how my friend can afford to send her daughter to private school?

294 replies

user1494078639 · 04/09/2017 14:44

Hi there ladies,

My first post here, but have been a member for a few months.

My friend went down the sperm donation route at 29. She had her daughter at 34. Her daughter is now 6... What I don't understand is she is at a private prep school, she also paid nursery fees, etc. without ever moaning to me, which is something a lot of us to talk about.

She did do a biology degree, but she has stayed in a lab role, so is only on around 30k.

She lives in a really nice newly built 2 bed flat (SE) and has a nice car :( recently gone on a Disney cruise! None of her family are about, I just don't get it.

We are on 56k joint income and really struggle, I know we have 2, but they are in state school, we struggle to go on a 'holiday of a lifetime' and it's always cornwall. maybe spain every few years.

I sound so jealous don't I!?

Honestly though, AIBU to not understand how she does it?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 15:51

It means goady fucker.

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 15:55

What does that mean in English?
Is it MN vernacular?

Temporaryanonymity · 04/09/2017 15:56

I am a lone parent. I earn a good salary and have a comfortable life. I have a friend like you, constantly wondering how I can afford it all on my salary and whinging about her lot in life. It is really draining.

ShellyBoobs · 04/09/2017 15:57

I don't get why we can't live comfortably like that!

Surely you can see that £56k between 2 adults and 2 kids isn't enough for 2 x private education, on top of what sounds like a reasonable lifestyle you already have?

Middleoftheroad · 04/09/2017 15:59

It depends on the cost too - we negotiated fees 'down' to 10k, have two kids and a joint income of 48k and a decent mortgage.

We decided not to send due to cost and not feeling the private schools were the best 'fit' in end for DC.

My friend 'looked' wealthy - token range rover, hols etc but was up to her neck in debt.

Tanith · 04/09/2017 15:59

She's probably got a bursary 🤔🙄

sonjadog · 04/09/2017 15:59

Possibly grandparents are paying for it? Or the father of the child ("sperm donor" might have been a way to stop questions)?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/09/2017 16:00

Every so often one of these types of thread pops up on MN and the subtext from the OP is often

"Why don't I feel better off, given the amount we earn?"

Sometimes the income is £56K and sometimes it is £156K but the underlying sentiment is the same. Part of the issue is expectations of what your income can buy based on your parent's generation who would have had proportionately lower housing costs (especially in the SE). The other point is that often luxuries have become necessities e.g. coffee out, sky, meals out, foreign holidays etc

Underthemoonlight · 04/09/2017 16:00

I wouldn't question how she affords it but I do wonder how you can't afford to be comfortable on 56k a year joint. Where abouts in the uk are you?

Want2bSupermum · 04/09/2017 16:00

OP you really need to sit back and just think about your behavior. You are not this ladies friend.

My cousin works in a lab. She makes about £150k a year. You would never know. She could also have inherited money or just been frugal and paid her home off. None of this is your business. If you can't be happy for someone don't pretend to be their friend. Doing this makes you a bitch.

Etymology23 · 04/09/2017 16:00

People often underestimate how much money can be saved/wasted by keeping an eye on budgets. Lots of my friends at work are short of cash by the end of the month, whereas I can put away 1/3-1/2 my net salary. Lots of them are having takeaway coffee every day (£750 PA ish), or don't keep an eye on their gas and electric (tariffs and useage - I spend about £35 PCM, they are spending £70-£80 - that's £480 per year), or are paying a lot every month for their phone (sim only contract is what £7.50 PCM, vs maybe £40 for an expensive phone contract - that's another £400ish a year), not paying for sky to and negotiating your broadband can be another big saving (some people pay up to £150 per month for this, I spend £13 inc half a Netflix subscription, so that's between £480 or even £1400 per year saved). That's 3k in savings that make minimal difference to my quality of life - so it might be partly higher salary than you think, partly inheritance/parental help and partly being savvy with what she buys.

Being sad about others good fortune never usually ends well.

Sometimes lots of money can vanish when you stop keeping an eye on what you spend - if you feel like things are tight month to month, having you considered keeping a spending diary and then doing yourself a statement of accounts to work out where it all goes?

MrsJayy · 04/09/2017 16:00

It means trying to get a rise out of people Neutrogena you say things that are thoughtless and outrageous

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 16:02

What does that mean in English? Is it MN vernacular?

Now you're making me laugh, it means what it says on the tin. Someone who is posting solely for the purpose of goading, or winding people up, in a deeply unpleasant way, in the manner of a right fucker.Grin

LineysRun · 04/09/2017 16:03

Indeed.

A fucker, who goads.

Anatidae · 04/09/2017 16:04

And this is why we need to encourage more women into STEM careers :)

Do you know for a fact she earns 30k, op? Because a scientist can earn multiples of that in the right industry.

OfficerVanHalen · 04/09/2017 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
user1494078639 · 04/09/2017 16:05

No I don't know her exact salary but she works in a lab and that's around what my other friends who work in labs get.

There is no father. She went through an IVF clinic. I remember her appointments. Have been friends with her for years.

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 04/09/2017 16:06

A lot of grandparents pay for their grandkids education.
Could be any number of things that they do to have their lifestyle.
unless you are brave and ask them, then you may never know!

SerfTerf · 04/09/2017 16:07

in the manner of a right fucker.grin

😂

5rivers7hills · 04/09/2017 16:07

She probably earns more than £30k, and potentially has an inheritance since her parents aren't around.
Maybe she lives modestly and makes her money go far?

NamedyChangedy · 04/09/2017 16:07

You've been friends with her for years, but describe her good fortune as 'sad'. I'm a bit baffled by that.

happypoobum · 04/09/2017 16:09

OP when you say her family "aren't around" do you mean they are dead? Or do you mean they live elsewhere?

If they are dead I might suggest that she has an inheritance.

If they live far away, possibly they supplement her income in lieu of hands on support?

It's really not nice to be so jealous of other people that you say it is "sad to see." Can you count your blessings?

SerfTerf · 04/09/2017 16:09

but she works in a lab and that's around what my other friends who work in labs get.

Yeeerrrsssss Hmm

Because it's well known that all people who work in labs earn the same. Same as all office workers make the same? And everyone who works in a shop is on identical salaries? Confused

Ktown · 04/09/2017 16:10

Many specialised lab based roles both in unis and pharma pay more than double that.
Her income is likely to be considerably higher than you think.
She probably isn't showing off about her position.

OfficerVanHalen · 04/09/2017 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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