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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand how my friend can afford to send her daughter to private school?

294 replies

user1494078639 · 04/09/2017 14:44

Hi there ladies,

My first post here, but have been a member for a few months.

My friend went down the sperm donation route at 29. She had her daughter at 34. Her daughter is now 6... What I don't understand is she is at a private prep school, she also paid nursery fees, etc. without ever moaning to me, which is something a lot of us to talk about.

She did do a biology degree, but she has stayed in a lab role, so is only on around 30k.

She lives in a really nice newly built 2 bed flat (SE) and has a nice car :( recently gone on a Disney cruise! None of her family are about, I just don't get it.

We are on 56k joint income and really struggle, I know we have 2, but they are in state school, we struggle to go on a 'holiday of a lifetime' and it's always cornwall. maybe spain every few years.

I sound so jealous don't I!?

Honestly though, AIBU to not understand how she does it?

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 04/09/2017 15:32

Her outgoings are obviously less than yours. She has a household half the size of yours.

My husband's colleague earns the same as him, his wife works and I don't yet we 'seem' to have far more money than them, to the point the wife has made 'funny' comments about my ways of earning money.

We don't waste money. We don't by coffee in Starbucks or costa 4/5 times a week. We don't smoke. We don't have petrol guzzling cars. I meal plan so we don't waste lots of food. However, the main difference is that DH was widowed young and his mortgage was paid off by insurance. No housing costs changes our financial position quite significantly.

There are many ways that people can save. If her family aren't around then she may have had an inheritance that can make a difference.

BarbaraofSevillle · 04/09/2017 15:32

Do you see her payslips every month? How do you know she earns £30k. If she is a lab manager, she could be on £50k or more.

Inheritence, lottery win,, help from parents etc. She could be on shared ownership for her flat and her car could be leased - this can be surprisingly affordable and cost effective, especially if you don't do a lot of miles as you don't have any repair or MOT costs.

Holidays in Cornwall are often not the cheap option either. Accommodation, eating out and getting there can be more expensive than abroad or cruises. Maybe she uses air miles or Tesco points towards the cost.

Maybe she shops around for everything and gets all the deals to make her money go further. You can save loads doing this, often hundreds of pounds a month compared with just buying things in the first shop you see.

Maybe she gets help with the school fees. Maybe she spends little on eating out etc. Some people can spend hundreds of pounds a month just on lunch and coffees while at work.

Unless you have a huge mortgage and/or childcare if you 'really struggle' on £56k, chances are that you are spending a lot day to day so have scope to cut back somewhere to free up more money for a holiday. And of course there is the small point that a holiday for one adult and one DC costs a lot less than one for a family of 4. Also, being at a private school may mean she can travel outside the main school holidays when much cheaper.

Anatidae · 04/09/2017 15:33

What has the sperm donation to do with anything? Confused

Does it matter how she can afford it? Maybe her parents died in tragic circumstances and she'd rather have them around but instead she's got some money. Maybe she's got some good investments?

How can it be sad to see?

juneau · 04/09/2017 15:33

You claim to know what her salary is (which you don't, she could easily be lying to make you feel better), but you have no idea about whether she was left money by her grandparents, or has a trust fund, or her DPs pay the school fees, or anything else. Nice cars are often leased, not owned, and do you know she owns her own place? Perhaps she rents? You only know what she's told you. Maybe she has shit-loads of credit card debt? Lots of people do ...

Whinesalot · 04/09/2017 15:34

None of her family are about, - probably an inheritance then. I'd rather have my family around though. I bet she would too. Console yourself with that.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 15:34

Suggesting that a lone parent (who is a graduate scientist) must be a sex worker in order to afford anything nice ... fucking hell

Yup, one of the more disgusting things I have had the misfortune to read on mumsnet. Misogyny at its worst. Women on women too.

Shameful in every sense of the word

Emmeline123 · 04/09/2017 15:35

OP you're not being a bit dramatic, you're being horrible. Do you get a sense of superiority from being friends with her, given that you have a husband and family support and she has nothing? Why would you begrudge her this when she is apparently completely alone in the world bringing up a child? You are not her friend.

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 15:35

@Bluntness
And ffs to those suggesting she's a whore. What the hell is wrong with you? Would you suggest it about a man?

  1. Whore is a horrible term. Where's the compassion?
  2. Men can only earn peanuts compared to female escorts, so it's a valid query.
Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 15:36

How do you know she earns £30k. If she is a lab manager, she could be on £50k or more

A qualified and experienced lab scientist can be on 50k plus depending on their field.

Mossend · 04/09/2017 15:38

Why is it sad?

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 15:39

Men can only earn peanuts compared to female escorts, so it's a valid query

No it's not. Women can earn and pay for their families without resorting to prostitution. There is nothing valid about it.

And I'm sure you'd be delighted and feel it valid if someone asked you or your partner how you afforded stuff by querying if you were prostituing yourself. I'm sure you say " yes that's a valid question".

Purplemac · 04/09/2017 15:39

You sound ridiculously jealous. She can afford it, you can't. You don't understand why she gets to have "nice things" because you think you deserve them more than she does. I wouldn't want you as a friend.

moggle · 04/09/2017 15:40

I guess the sperm donation comment is to forestall speculation about the DD's father / in laws and child support etc.
If her parents are still alive, I guess that she's always been a good saver and has accumulated a nice nest egg.

SaveMeBarry · 04/09/2017 15:40

No it's not a valid query Neutrogena Hmm. It's says a hell of a lot about a person that based on the limited information given by Op (salary probably guessed at) anyone would immediately think a woman might be a sex worker rather than the many, many possibilities. Ffs!

Anatidae · 04/09/2017 15:43

If she's a scientist 👩🏻‍🔬 running a lab she could be on an awful lot more than 30 or even 50k. I'm middle management and I get a lot more than that.

Obviously I supplement my earnings with cam work and drug dealing.... Hmm

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 15:43

Please don't gang up on me.
I was responding to a poster who said that 'No-one asks men if they are prostituting themselves', saying that men cannot earn anything like the same money as women in prostitution.

it's one of the few industries where women earn more than men Smile

MrsJayy · 04/09/2017 15:44

Neuteogena you are on fire today spewing all sorts everywhere i can't work out if you are a GF or just type what enters your brain

CoolCarrie · 04/09/2017 15:44

You are sad because you can't live like her? How ridiculous you sound!
You are suffering from jealousy in huge amounts, get a grip

onadifferentplanet · 04/09/2017 15:44

I am a single Mum, 4 children, the youngest now off to Uni. They have all been through private school on a combination of scholarships and bursaries. I would hate to think my friends and neighbours thought I was on the game to pay for it!

FlirtyCat · 04/09/2017 15:45

How are you struggling on 56k a year ?Hmm

SaveMeBarry · 04/09/2017 15:45

Of course Anatidae, me too. After all no woman could make a decent living with just her brain eh? God this thread is depressing, time for an MN break for me!

BarbaraofSevillle · 04/09/2017 15:46

Obviously I supplement my earnings with cam work and drug dealing

Indeed. If she has access to a lab, she may be cooking crystal meth on the side Wink.

Bluntness100 · 04/09/2017 15:47

'No-one asks men if they are prostituting themselves', saying that men cannot earn anything like the same money as women in prostitution

Are you actually serious ?? Shock

Neutrogena · 04/09/2017 15:48

@MrsJayy

I don't know what a GF is (I thought it was Girl Friend Smile ) but I think I have a form of keyboard tourettes. Mind often doesn't engage before I start typing...

Ecclesiastes · 04/09/2017 15:50

I'm just struggling to see how a two bed flat and Disney cruise make an enviable lifestyle.