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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DSIL abandoning DN at mine without asking

229 replies

charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 08:34

More of a WWYD really.....

So yesterday SIL turned up at 11.30 stating she was having issues with her dp and wanted a chat. She stayed til one when suddenly announced she was going to the pub for a couple of pints(?) But would be back later. I had nothing on yesterday was just pottering so said yeah that's fine. She took DN (11) with her. I popped to my mum's with my 3 DC (ds10 dd3 and ds2 3 months). Then had a call from her phone around half 2. It was DN stating he was bored at the pub could he come round. I said that's fine as DSiL was supposed to be coming back round to mine anyway.
2 hrs later I had made dinner so fed DN. No text etc to state where she was.DN then piped up that she had arranged to go with her DP to another friends house for a piss Up!

Long story short couldn't get hold of her all night DN who is iffy about staying out at the best of times wouldn't sleep or go to bed until midnight in case she came back. Had to move dd from her room to make space for the boys to sleep together. Dd was unsettled by DN crying and woke up, my sensitive DS is very upset for his cousin and none us us had a good sleep. It's now half past 8 and still not heard from her.
My DH is due to pick her up for work in 15mins although he feels like he should.bloody well leave her in bed.

So WWYD and how would you approach it? She has form for apparently forgetting she has kids (2 elder DN who now at university). I don't like confrontation but feel like she has royally taken the kids especially as she's gone out with DP who she was stating that she was going to leave just a few hours before!

OP posts:

littlebird7 · 04/09/2017 19:16

but really the focus needs to remain with the child

PollyFlint · 04/09/2017 19:46

You've done the right thing, OP. It takes some courage to make a call like that where family are involved. Well done and hope things work out OK.

UnicornTears · 04/09/2017 19:55

Said it before and will say it again, some people really dont deserve children. Poor poor boy. Feel so sorry for him. What a sh1t "mother" she is. Disgusting behaviour.

UnicornTears · 04/09/2017 20:00

Just realised i missed your last posts OP, well done you have definately done the right thing. Your DN wont be removed that is last resort. But it will make huge impact. Dont be scared about MIL/DH/the fall out (i know easier said than done) but all that matters is you did the right thing for that poor boy, hope youre okay i know how hard that phonecall must of been to make. X

Whinesalot · 04/09/2017 20:04

Poor little chap. Hopefully ss intervention will make her pull her socks up so that he isn't removed.

deedeegee · 04/09/2017 20:13

some people are not responsible enough to have children.....!
Agree would read the riot act but do feel very sorry for DN as he knows his Mum's an arse and doesn't seem to care about him...

BlackJesus · 04/09/2017 20:21

But when I read your thread title I thought your nephew had been abandoned at an actual mine

jayne1976 · 04/09/2017 20:23

I realise you have better mothering priorities and respect for people, but tempting to do the same with three kids, although by the sounds of her they would be left on your doorstep!
Doesn't sound a nice person - tell her if it happens again, you will refuse to have them at all day or night!

timeisnotaline · 04/09/2017 20:33

Well done op. The fallout might be difficult but you have absolutely doe the right thing. Your nephew being neglected is far more important than sil being mad at you. And dh can pull his head in- he should have done this some time ago from the sounds of it.

Missuseff · 04/09/2017 20:48

You did the right thing. It feels wrong and scary to involve SS but honestly, you've done the right thing. SIL needs help and your DN needs proper care. They can only get it when SS know it's needed. Poor boy.

Gemini69 · 04/09/2017 21:06

there are out of hours numbers that you could have called an left a detailed message with your concerns on it.. there was no need to leave your own details... they would investigate on the concerns regardless OP... however.. well done you did the right thing .. it's not about your SIL or the MIL.. it's about the KIDS x

DrHorribletookmycherry · 04/09/2017 21:13

A reason why people don't act is because they feel there's only been a couple of things. The truth is that you're probably looking at an iceberg in terms of the moments/ hours and days a child has experienced this form of abuse.
Being treated as that irrelevant causes life long distress.

YouStoleTheBowlFromTheRoom · 04/09/2017 21:21

Just another one saying well done, OP X

pinkpantherpink · 04/09/2017 22:22

Thank you for doing that OP. Someone had to step up. I'm sure there will be fallout but that child is being neglected. And that isn't right. SIL may have problems, but it is incumbent on her to sort herself out. She's the responsible adult. My heart goes out to your DN x

annfield62 · 04/09/2017 22:48

My heart goes out to this child. I hope something gets sorted for him. He shouldn't be sitting in a pub all day or for hours on end.

frozenfairy123 · 04/09/2017 23:01

Well done u absolutely did the right thing.
Please let us know what's happening?

Mum4Blake · 04/09/2017 23:35

Well done OP. Completely the right thing to do. Undoubtedly difficult, and probably will cause short term pain for the family - but hopefully the long term outcome will result in an improvement for your DN

SpiritedFlame · 05/09/2017 01:00

Well done OP. It must have been incredibly tough to call and I imagine the fallout will be difficult but you have absolutely done the right thing for your DN.

Even if right in this moment, he has a hard time understanding why you had to call (especially with his Mum ranting on about it) he will realise at some point that it was very much a decision born out of love and a need to protect him.

He may even be very grateful for your intervention. As a child, somebody stepped in to me where nobody else had and went to SS. I was horrified and terrified at the time but it was the right thing to do and it helped me knowing that somebody did care and could see what was going on.

Wishing you and your DN all the best. This has been such a sad post to read but I truly hope that SS can put in the appropriate measures to help your SIL to be a parent to your DN and if not, that other arrangements can be looked at.

crazycatz · 05/09/2017 05:55

This is all just so distressing could you please just adopt DN? 😢 I am so glad you phoned social services. I think you need to upgrade your car and get your oldest ds bunkbeds! This situation is not going anywhere! Brace yourself tho cos things are going to have to change massively for social services to be happy. Has this been going on the whole of your Dn's life. It is neglect and you are all enabling her! I am glad you called ss . Your DSil needs Some support but also some tough love. Well done for being the grown up in this situation. It's so hard having to do this but I hope you can all find a way to improve your dn's life!

Waspyhell · 05/09/2017 07:03

Well done OP. All kids deserve and need someone to stand up for them when things go wrong. I'd be very unhappy with my dh if he didn't support me if I were in your shoes.

StarlitTrees · 05/09/2017 08:11

I hope everything is ok with you OP. Been thinking of you.

GladysKnight · 05/09/2017 08:19

It's not up to OP to decide what her DN needs - he obviously loves his Mum - I just hope there is enough capacity in the system to come to a good, joint decision that will stick.

OP your DN is very, very lucky to have you in his life.

SingingSeuss · 05/09/2017 08:27

Where is your DN's dad in all this? Surely he needs to share the blame?

Ledkr · 05/09/2017 08:41

Op they (ss) might ask you to have dn for a bit. You could end up being paid to look after him, would that help you to do it as it's a shame for him to have to go into care.

Branleuse · 05/09/2017 08:45

The fall out from this is going to be huge. Whilst i do think something needs to be done, i think its a bit much a massive group of mumsnetters sitting behind their computers encouring posters to light a firework inside their own families is far too easy. None of us are going to be dealing with the shit it brings.

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