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Original poster

DSIL abandoning DN at mine without asking

229 replies

charlie2405 · 03/09/2017 08:34

More of a WWYD really.....

So yesterday SIL turned up at 11.30 stating she was having issues with her dp and wanted a chat. She stayed til one when suddenly announced she was going to the pub for a couple of pints(?) But would be back later. I had nothing on yesterday was just pottering so said yeah that's fine. She took DN (11) with her. I popped to my mum's with my 3 DC (ds10 dd3 and ds2 3 months). Then had a call from her phone around half 2. It was DN stating he was bored at the pub could he come round. I said that's fine as DSiL was supposed to be coming back round to mine anyway.
2 hrs later I had made dinner so fed DN. No text etc to state where she was.DN then piped up that she had arranged to go with her DP to another friends house for a piss Up!

Long story short couldn't get hold of her all night DN who is iffy about staying out at the best of times wouldn't sleep or go to bed until midnight in case she came back. Had to move dd from her room to make space for the boys to sleep together. Dd was unsettled by DN crying and woke up, my sensitive DS is very upset for his cousin and none us us had a good sleep. It's now half past 8 and still not heard from her.
My DH is due to pick her up for work in 15mins although he feels like he should.bloody well leave her in bed.

So WWYD and how would you approach it? She has form for apparently forgetting she has kids (2 elder DN who now at university). I don't like confrontation but feel like she has royally taken the kids especially as she's gone out with DP who she was stating that she was going to leave just a few hours before!

OP posts:
WhoresDoeuvres · 03/09/2017 16:13

DN won't necessarily be removed, and not straight away. SS will intervene as appropriate. Sometimes parents just need to be confronted with the reality of the situation and given support to sort their shit out.. hopefully this is one such occasion.

Bobbiepin · 03/09/2017 16:16

You've done the right thing OP Flowers

HappylandToysEverywhere · 03/09/2017 16:19

What is DN?

2littlemoos · 03/09/2017 16:32

Dear Nephew I think

Garliccalamari · 03/09/2017 16:48

Just report to SS. If you think your DH or MIL will be difficult about it don't tell them. The important thing is that someone sticks up for the kid.

gingergenius · 03/09/2017 16:50

Please phone nspcc. It is anonymous. This is neglect and that poor lad is being abused by virtue of the fact.

Please OP. This is what social services is for. Genuine cases. Givecthat poor lad a hug. I feel so sad for him.

gingergenius · 03/09/2017 16:52

Sorry posted to soon. Glad you've phoned. So sad for him. But good for you for doing the right thing

Love51 · 03/09/2017 16:54

Don't worry about dn being removed. That really is a last resort. Sil will be given advice on what to do, and an opportunity to implement that advice. Except with the threat of ss rather than her sil being a bit miffed, she might actually do what she needs to. It sounds like sibling now at uni had been a protective factor, and now they are gone, the extent of her neglect has become apparent to you. I hope your DH is supportive and sees that you love d nephew and are acting in his best interest to encourage his mum to step up.

gingergenius · 03/09/2017 17:02

Pastoral care at new school will be involved and he will be far better supported if they are aware there is a problem x

tiredybear · 03/09/2017 17:57

Well done! so relieved you've taken some action to protect this young boy. Yes, other people may be cross with you, but they are in the wrong. Your DN is being neglected and you have to put him first.

Rose87777 · 04/09/2017 17:44

Well done OP. It may be uncomfortable but I always look at these things this way: If anything were to happen to your DN in her care due to her blatant neglect you would never be able to forgive yourself. Xx

Goodasgoldilox · 04/09/2017 17:52

You have done the right thing. You want support for DN and so for SIL

Social services are not a punishment system. They are aid for situations like this.

They will aim to support the family - and get what you want here: proper care for your DN.

FilledSoda · 04/09/2017 17:56

Good for you OP

GottaGetThisDone · 04/09/2017 18:03

I understand you worry about what will happen to DN if he is removed just before starting new school, but I think i'd be more worried about what will become of him if you didn't contact SS.
You have done the right thing OP

GottaGetThisDone · 04/09/2017 18:04

Meant to add SS will only remove a child as the last possible option. They will look at working together with your SiL for the good of DN, they will work together with everyone in family if need be

eddielizzard · 04/09/2017 18:05

you've done the right thing. best case is she gets a massive wakeup call.

Jg1 · 04/09/2017 18:11

OP you did the RIGHT thing for DN. Anyone in your family (or wider circle) that says otherwise is WRONG.

Did the SS get back to you today? Do you know if they have contacted DSIL?

How is DN? Give him a hug from me please.

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 04/09/2017 18:30

Well done for being the voice for this poor little dude.
I hope your DH is understanding. He might be a bit shocked at first but really he knows what she's like.
It's not against her, but FOR him.
How are you today? X

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 04/09/2017 18:41

You did the right thing, and your dh needs to get a grip if he disagrees. A child in your family underweight and underfed.... that's well over the red line, I wouldn't have been able to take him home. Sad

hodgeheg92 · 04/09/2017 18:45

Just to echo the other voices and say that you have definitely done the right thing. This was neglect at the very beginning, even without the extra information you added later.

Family (especially in-laws!) can be very difficult at times but you have done the right thing for your DN and you need to be strong in that belief if/when MiL or SiL Stettin to give you grief about it.

Mammy2myboy · 04/09/2017 18:47

He won't be removed- not immediately anyway. If ss feel it meets the threshold they'll work with the family first and speak to the child parent and support networks. A plan will be put in place in the first instance- usually. If it was felt that he should be removed they would explore whether there are family who could accommodate. X

Mammy2myboy · 04/09/2017 18:48

Ps you did the right thing absolutely. My guess is that the school will become more involved.

pollymere · 04/09/2017 18:58

She's been leaving him alone whilst she goes out to work?? I'd be really worried about neglect tbh. This kid needs a secure home. You need to talk to SIL and make her realise that even if you don't, someone will report this to the local Safeguarding Team and he could end up in care.

lovealookabout · 04/09/2017 19:04

F

littlebird7 · 04/09/2017 19:14

Op you must be feeling pretty stressed at the possible fallout, but really the focus needs to remain on what would have happened to DN if you hadn't called?? You would have to live with the consequences, which could be far more detrimental than extra monitoring and involvement in his life.

The child needs someone looking out for him, he has a right to be nurtured, fed, loved and cared for like every other child. You absolutely did the right thing. Now your families need a plan a worst case scenario and plan b just in case, quietly look into who could help

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